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Slip up in recovery, when do you help versus not?

Old 04-07-2015, 12:23 PM
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Slip up in recovery, when do you help versus not?

Its been a long while since I posted. My AB went to prison for a year, I detached quite a bit as I was always his go to person, I let him deal with his mistakes and I tried to move on. I had problems with picking up the pieces when he fell previously, so I finally just let go and moved on.

I continued therapy for my codependency issues, but less focus on my brother finally. We had our first baby who was a preemie, so my life completely shifted, I love being a mom now.

My AB got out of prison almost a year ago, spent a few months in a halfway house and since september has lived in his own place, worked and seemed to be getting his life back on track. He was truly starting from scratch when he got out, he didn't even have clothes, but it was his hill to climb. He wasn't working a program that I know of outside of the requirements for parole.

He seemed to be getting his head on straight though, especially the last couple months sounding more upbeat, doing more activities and socializing, etc. He has been reaching out to family, not because he needed something, but to just say hi, console someone who lost their dog, you know....normal stuff that we hadn't seen in a long long time.

But I got a call from his friend this morning that he failed his UA and was put back in county.

SO, of course he is asking me to pack his stuff up at his apartment and such (in 30 days he has a hearing to know if he gets out or goes back for 2 yrs). His last screw up I told him I wasn't his resource anymore, but that was almost 2 years ago. I know recovery has slip ups, so do you support them to some degree or let them fall all the way again?

I have an appt with my therapist later this week, but curious if there is a time you shift from letting them suffer the full weight of their consequences (ie, leaving his stuff and truck to whatever), or if there is a time you help at all while they are trying to stay clean? I don't trust my decisions in this area.

Thoughts?

Thank you
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Vale (04-07-2015)
Old 04-07-2015, 12:41 PM
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Well, whatever help you're able to provide your AB is negligible. You can wish him the best. You can let him know you love him. But that's about it. And as you've said, you're a mom now. That's your first focus.

Allow whatever is supposed to happen with your brother happen.
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Old 04-07-2015, 09:07 PM
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Congratulations on the birth of your baby!

Sorry to hear your brother made a bad choice. It sounds like he will face some serious consequences that hopefully will help him find his way back on track.

In terms of helping him by moving his car or packing his apartment, it sounds to me as if it would help to think about what assisting him would do to/for you. Do you feel like it would suck you back into rescue mode? I've seen it posted here many times that "we" aren't our loved ones only option. I can understand that he doesn't want to lose everything, but his choices made that possible. If it wouldn't be healthy for you to re-engage by doing what he asks, it seems appropriate that he find alternatives to having you be his go to person.
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Old 04-07-2015, 10:10 PM
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Congrats on new little one!!!!


I had to choose between going back into rescue mode
(which feels like I'd imagine oxy feels----great)......or
respecting her as a human being with the dignity to face
the consequences of her actions (which felt the way I'd
imagine withdrawals to feel (bloody awful!).

Option 1: Feels great, but tomorrow is going to suck!
Option 2: This sucks, but tomorrow is going to be better.

hello option 2!!!!!!

Today is one day. The future is forever..........
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