kylad09

A week ago I found out that my boyfriend was still using and all the lies and betrayal that came with it. I had known he had a past of using and I also knew of a few times he did use. A few days ago me and his dad brought him to a 35 day treatment center. I'm glad he's there because he needs it and he also wants to get better. He would steal so much money from me, take my car everywhere when I told him he couldnt and would leave me at home alone with my 3 year old son, sometimes we would not leave for a week. I also found out he stole many valuable items from me and his dad and would say he forgot to bring it back. He's only been there 3 days and I'm already having major separation anxiety. I have severe anxiety disorder and I'm 4 months pregnant and don't know how to cope. I keep a journal while he's gone and will give it to him when he's done. I need some serious support and my family isn't in my life because of his drug use and are not understanding people. I cry everyday and I'm so lonely in this big empty house. It's like he's dead.. he's not here, i can't see him, and I can't talk to him. If anyone else has gone through this, please tell me how you made it by.

maia1234

Welcome, and good for you for reaching out.

Your boyfriend is an addict and is trying to get help. You have an addictIon also, it's him. While he is away you need to work on you. You are an enabler when it comes to him, he is doing in apropriate things and you are tolerating it. Please try and go to an Alanon meeting to educate yourself regarding addction and detaching. I know u love him, as we all love our addicts.

You have a baby coming and need to get healthy mentally and physically. I understand that he is getting help but that is only the start of his long recovery. If you want to help him, help yourself.

((((((Hugs)))))))

AnvilheadII

welcome dear one! i'm glad you reached out!

it must feel like a hurricane just blew thru your life! take a breath, he is where he needs to be, and this gives you a chance to get your head sorted out and relax. no one can steal from you now, no one can take your car and leave you and your wee son stranded.

are you sure you can't reach out to your folks? i'd like to see you have a support system....with another baby on the way you need lots of love surrounding you.

take your time, read around, especially the "stickies" that are permanent posts at the top of this forum. just for today, just for now, breathe, relax a little.

biminiblue

I agree with finding an Al Anon meeting.

You could also ask your doctor for a referral to a mom's support group. I'm sure there are a lot of them at hospitals and churches.

If your family has turned its back on you then you'll need to build a new family of supportive people. We are glad you're here! Maybe your family would reconsider now that he's in rehab?

zoso77

kylad...

Welcome to the Board.

When I read your post, your anxiety and your apprehension is very evident. But you've come to a very, very good, very safe place. Others will be by to greet you and offer you support and feedback. I have a few observations I'd like to share with you as well.

During this time, while your ABF is in treatment, there are a lot of things that you need to consider going forward. You readily admit he has stolen money from you and he has been frequently dishonest with you. You have a young child, and you have another baby on the way. You also have an anxiety disorder.

Have you considered that your ABF and his behavior has been a primary source of your anxiety?

We see a lot of younger women come to us in rough shape, like you. And it's heartbreaking, to be honest. The reason why it's heartbreaking is you're worried about being apart from him instead of being worried about yourself and what's best for you. From what you've shared with us, I do not believe your ABF is a positive part of your life. Nor do I believe he's a positive part of your child's life. His behavior is typical of someone in active addiction. What kind of behavior is that?

This kind of behavior: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

This is what you're dealing with. I do hope, for his sake, that he decides to turn his life around. But what I hope for more is during this time while he's away, you think about what is best for you, and what is best for your children. And we're here to help you sort through that, if you're ready to really think hard about it.

Sometimes what's best for us and what we want are two totally different things. Remember that in the days and weeks to come.

Anyways, this is a long post. We're here for you. And remember: you don't need permission to take care of you, or your children.

Welcome to the Board. Please be safe and take care of you.

BlueChair

Hi Kylad,

I had some separation anxiety when my husband went to rehab also. I think its normal, I mean think about it-someone is in your life you talk, interact, probably sleep together every nignt and then they are removed. It leaves a vacant place, very normal. Hes doing a good thing and lucky to have your support and that of his dad. Hopefully you will get to talk to him, see him at some point. All rehabs are different on this however.

Im sorry about your family not being there for you. Very hard for me to understand especially when you have a baby on the way. Addiction is horrible, but most our loved ones never plan for it to happen. Its always important to separate the person out from the addiction. My husband is a good man, he did a lot of not so great things while using, he also spent money in secret too. He was working and didnt take my things, but the need for the drug causes people to do things they would not normally ever do. Its important you think about who he really is and keep that in your mind. If your not sure who he is at the bottom of it all, its ok to admit this to yourself. I questioned if I really knew my husband when all this happened to us.

I would think about reaching out to your family and letting them know hes in treatment. I also wonder if his family is supportive of you? Will they be grandparents to the baby on the way?
A couple suggestions, talk to your doctor about your anxiety, contact the rehab and ask if they have any support available for family members. I used counseling and it helped a lot. Ask if at any point they offer counseling for both of you together, very important but probably would come after he stabilizes in a few weeks. Begin looking for activities that interest you outside of addiction like new mom classes, exercise classes you can take while pregnant. Normal things to make you feel happy, prevent isolation, and keep you focused on your future.

I relied a lot on family, a few close friends, did crafts in my spare time, organized scrapbooks, along with working. Just things to keep my mind busy, and gave me a sense of accomplishment.

Good luck to both of you.

kylad09

Thanks to all for the support. His family is very supportive of me and check up on me every day. I'm very lucky to have them. I have alot of emotions.. anger, sadness, loneliness, hurt.. but I know that this isn't about me, it's about him getting better and turning his life around and i wanna be able to help him in any way possible.

Lily1918

Are there any little things that you can do for you each day? You might feel like you are going through the motions at first, but after awhile you will start to enjoy them. The best way to help him is to learn to love yourself the way you've always wished he did.

I started small when my AH went away over a year ago.

I got a pedicure. I tried getting a new book, but I couldn't focus. I curled my hair in a new style. I always wished he had been the type to buy me flowers. One day I bought them for myself for no reason other than I wanted them. I journaled a LOT!!! At first journaling was difficult, so I wrote letters to him and never sent them. Music about romance made things worse, so I switched artists and genres.

His first trip to rehab was difficult for me, Im sure it seems extremely difficult for you. Remember, your track record of making it though tough days is 100% You're still here. You're still growing a little each day. We're here for you. Keep taking good care of you.
hugs

BlueChair

Hey, its great his family is supportive of you, calls to check everyday. When my husband went into rehab, my inlaws were there for me too. At rhe time I was very emotional, and his mom was particularly emotional too so we had some friction although I just tried to let it roll of me because down deep I knew she wasnt thinking completely straight. Now Im soo appreciative of them, oddly so for their being inlaws. Ha!

I had a lot of emotions too, and I think its normal. Journaling helped me too, great idea your already doing it!

Just remember as a couple its really about both of you. Some things he has to take care of on his own, some things like sorting out your own emotions you have to basically do on your own, but somewhere in there you will reconnect and hopefully begin to build a healthier life together.

kylad09

I have to say, this morning was better. I went to my doctor appointment, had lunch with a friend, started a book called "codependent no more" and after reading up other stuff online, I broke down. I'm starting to realize how much I've also lost myself. I found a pawn shop receipt in his name. Before he left he told me he wanted to propose, but didn't like who I was turning out to be and I told him i was glad I never married him. Now, after getting some education to the beginning of my own recovery, I realize I've only changed because of what he's put me through. I hoping and praying for the best outcome when these 35 days are up, but I can't help but expect the worst..

kylad09

I try to keep myself occupied. I stay away from tv shows and music that reminds me of him. He left me with no money and I can't work due to pregnancy complications, so I can't really leave the house for extra activities.

BlueChair

Its ok, now you have a chance to find yourself, and see more clearly what was working, and what wasnt in your life and relationship. Take it slow and go inch by inch. Probably 30 days wont straighten it all out for either of you. Change takes time, but its a starting point. ((Hugs))

zoso77

The best outcome for who? For him, or you?

What you may not realize is if he does decide to commit to recovery -- and that's a big if -- he's not going to be the same guy. And since he's not going to be the same guy, your relationship with him will forever be changed. I would argue you don't really know him. You only know what he's like while under the influence, and from what you've described, that's not a pretty picture.

But you are right: you've lost yourself in this whole affair.

You have some decisions on your doorstep now that will not only impact you, but your child and your unborn baby. They, and you, come first. Allow yourself the space you need these next 30+ days and think about what is best for you, your child, and your unborn baby.

kylad09

I'm really hoping for the best for the both of us.. I know who he can be, I know deep down he is a good man, he just has to find himself, i have to find myself and take care of myself in the meantime. I know that my loneliness and anger will soon wear off.. i just wish it would hurry. I'm tired of hurting.

AnvilheadII

I know who he can be

careful there...you only THINK you know who he CAN be....someday. that means you are relating more to his POTENTIAL then to the man that has stolen from you, pawned your valuables, taken your car and left you with a very small child and NO transportation, while he goes off and gets high and does god knows what else. notice how much more you are willing to BELIEVE who you think he CAN be than to ACCEPT who he truly IS today.

obviously it sounds better to be in love with someone wonderful rather than a lying thieving addict, but them's the facts.

rehab will NOT cure him. he will not come out fixed, better, or well. rehab is the teeniest drop in the bucket, he will have to work hard for the rest of his LIFE to quit and stay quit off drugs. he has a lot of wreckage to clean up.

you said this isn't about you. i disagree, this is most certainly about YOU and your kids. first and foremost. if aliens come and zap your bf to their spaceship, you are still a MOM. if he gets out of rehab and relapses, you are still a mom. you don't need more stress and trust me early recovery is VERY stressful for everyone. if he is going to really make a go of things he will be very busy with meetings, after care, getting or resuming a job, and trying every hour of every day to not give in to the desire to use. it would really be "better" if he did so somewhere else outside of your home.

now is the time to start thinking about boundaries. these are guidelines we create for ourselves so we know what to do if things go 'wrong" and to keep ourselves safe. a boundary could be "I will not live with an addict in active addiction" or "I chose to have a drug free home for myself and my children, therefore no one is allowed to bring drugs into my home or use them in my home. and i have the right to ask the person using or carrying to leave immediately. and if they do not do so i will call the police".

boundaries are useless tho if we aren't ready to follow thru with conviction. and if we aren't able to let someone else get mad or upset when we stand up for ourselves. as a mom tho, that is something you should be doing already!!!

Jorgenss

It's wonderful you have a great family to support you. Separation anxiety is normal during this phase. Take care of you and your little ones.