mab112

I will post my story here when I can without breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably.

Quick background is my AH is a Heroin user. He completed a subox detox about 10 days ago.

I am positive he is already using again. However according to him the only time he has was when he snorted some left over drugs he found in the garage...

Well honey your pupils were dilated and your speech had changed before you took that hit....

Must be the muscle relaxers his mom gave him... nope I watched when he took them the next day... no visual changes.

Or when he found out I pretty much took away his access to cash he pouted like a child.

Or that he was visually uncomfortable when I changed my apt instead of allowing him to change his to get into a true rehab program...

This morning we faked a migraine to go buy dope... he needed energy drinks... then it was anything under the sun to leave the house.

He has money from somewhere just not our account currently.

Of course this is all in my head. He is acting just fine. Nothing is wrong with his pupils and speech.... and looking sleepy. I am just paranoid. Crazy....

I am aware I need to work on myself, disengage, that only he can choose not to use. I am working on it. My 2 month old and 5 other kids make it hard for me not to push.

What I need to hear today though is that the odds are pretty high I am NOT crazy. That he in fact is using. And there is no way in hell he just found drugs in our garage that were left over...

zoso77

Shhhh...it's OK. You're safe here. We know and understand where you've been.

Heroin is no joke. If your gut is telling you your AH's is using again, you're probably right. It is incredibly, incredibly difficult to give up opiates.

Do you have a means of supporting yourself?

Muunray

Yup your instinct is right..so now what?

mab112

Unfortunately so I have read. It went what seems to be the usual route... injury.. pill, snorting and then shooting. All except the injury since July.

I am the main bread winner in the house. I have 3 beautiful step children, and an 19, 16 and two month old who sadly would not be here if he was using when we food IVF...

mab112

I don't know... I tried to talk to him... He isn't ready. And I caught him and got the I found it ********.

I removed his access to any money we have together.

What else should I be doing?

zoso77

OK.

Right now, mab112, the most important thing you have to do is keep your wits about you. You're not just making decisions for yourself. You're making decisions for children, too. I would assume that your AH is using, and will continue to use. And based on this, you have to throw down a hard, firm boundary. He needs to go. It's that simple.

Other women who've been where you are will chime in during the evening. Pay attention to what they have to say.

Has he been abusive verbally or physically at all?

mab112

I promise you I will. No abuse. He is an ass verbally. Threatens to leave. Which currently is no longer a threat since I am contemplating making him leave.

zoso77

Take him up on that offer. And keep us posted. You're not alone.

Twinning

Unfortunately, yes to me it sounds like he is using. There is nothing you or anyone in this universe can do to stop an addict. He needs to go to treatment; Howeverneeds to want to go. My mother spent tens of thousands of dollars on inpatient rehab for me.. I knew I was going to use again.. sit down and have a real talk with him and really determine what he wants. Good luck.

allmirages

Mab, just wanted to say you most definitely are not crazy....you know he's using. I find it so insulting how the addict turns things around on us making us seem crazy. I know how it feels to have your world turned upside down as well as your emotions. I am all too familiar with being with a heroin addict and the craziness it entails. For you safety, along with your children, please remove him from your home. We are here for support, you are not alone.

KariSue

You are 100% NOT crazy. No how, no way.

Kari

mejo

Listen to your gut and don't ignore red flags.

beYOUtiful

yes, listen to your gut! I also have 6 kids and my AH is a heroin user (and many other substances too...but the last 5 yr hell bit started with a injury then progressed to IV drugs.) My AH always had me second guessing myself too. He moved out in Dec. Things have been hard, but less stressful with him out of the house. Currently, he is in rehab...again...who knows if it will work this go around. The difference this time for me is attending meetings and working on myself. There is a wealth of support and encouragement here! I read on here everyday - seems I always find something I can use! Much love sent your way - I know how you feel!

beYOUtiful

Oh...and I know you blocked his access to your joint money...but watch the kids' piggy banks, your jewelry, and any other items of value that he could pawn.

GardenMama

His addiction is making you crazy...You can choose what to do now. You are being an adult, caring for 5 kids, working, and it seems clear to me that the next best thing for your sanity and peace of mind is to show him the door. You deserve better, and better may just be without him.

incitingsilence

No you aren’t crazy.
And if you can stop asking and stop looking for signs of use, then his behavior will become quite clear. You don’t need him to confirm or deny. You only need to believe what you see. They tend to show their truth...even if they are in denial and lying to themselves.
If he is 10 days out of detox, whether he used sub or not, odds are clean would look more like no motivation, no drive, maybe some pink cloud creeping in but no real energy to match it. And while he may or may not have physical type symptoms, mentally on some level he would be foggy, distant, unsure of himself, restless and scared of the voices running in his head telling him to use … because they would be screaming about now.

The best thing you can do is take care of you and your children.
And I remember that I’ll just leave … well see yah … need help packing! I did like the shocked look on his face when he realized I just wasn’t going to be playing the game with him anymore. I know many don’t get how we play along, but if we can remove ourselves from the game the dynamics do change.

Take good care of you!

hopeful4

YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!

It's amazing how much we push the line in the sand. He says he has "only been snorting pills," as if that is just fine and dandy. Nope.

Trust your instinct. I assume you know what to look for, when you see those things right in front of your face, it's likely to be true. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

I am glad you are here. Take care of you and your children!

allmirages

Just to add to what Hopeful said....the addict typically will not tell the WHOLE truth. When mine was busted for shoplifting and had H on him, he told me he it was only percocet. I didn't believe him so I looked up the police report and it said "1 bindle H, spoon with residue, and syringe". So, I told him that the report said H (but I didn't mention the spoon or syringe) and I went off saying do you know you not only put yourself in danger of getting HIV, HEP, ODing, etc, but you put MY life at risk. He said he NEVER would shoot up...he ONLY SNORTED it. Then of course I pulled out a copy of the report and handed it to him to read for himself.

You know, just typing and re-reading what I wrote...reminds me of the craziness and self-doubt being involved with someone in active addiction can make you feel. Naranon definitely helped me get the focus off of him, what he was/was not doing and focus on myself. I encourage you to get as much support as possible. And keep posting here, we are here to listen and provide support

Turtle82

No, you're not crazy as far as seeing what he's doing clearly. But, monitoring his behavior is making you feel that way. Stop it! You are not his keeper. You ARE your kid's keeper though. Don't sentence them to a future life of alcohol and/or drug addiction. Look around these boards. Read the stories of alcoholics and addicts. See how they grew up. Quit thinking about him! Think about them.

mab112

Thanks so much for all your replies. They have been really helpful. It sounds like his behavior is totally typical.

A big part of me wants to hold onto hope he can beat this. But I am pretty confident I am going to have to throw him out before that happens. I have started to detach and work on me. I know I need counciling and to attend a group but I am not ready. I am not a huge people person.

I will post more later. Thanks again.