VirgoRising

I have been involved with my opiate addict for the last 3 years (he has been abusing/snorting subs the whole time I've known him but didn't disclose it to me until about six months into the relationship when we moved in together; previously, he had been addicted to a range of opiates for about five years since graduating college).

I have tried countless times to leave this situation which I am sure many of you are all too familiar with, so it probably isn't necessary for me to get into all the behaviors and issues he has and how detrimentally they have affected our relationship. Every time I break up with him, he somehow weasles his way back in! When we haven't been living together, he moves back to his parents' place which is about three hours away from where I live. I completely block him from contacting me via any type of social media, I change my number, etc. but he winds up showing up on my doorstep when he comes around my way for his monthly suboxone appointment (the doctor is the closest one to him and relatively close to where I live, so it's convenient for him to stop by - otherwise he wouldn't show up at all). Since, in the past, I did have really strong feelings for this man, I would give into him. I would start feeling lonely and missing him, even though he treated me like total crap, and would gladly welcome the devil himself back on my doorstep and voila, there it goes again - the same pattern - lather, rinse, repeat.

I broke up with him again for what I hope is the last time by sending a goodbye breakup email telling him never to show up at my house, never to contact me, not to call, mail me anything, etc.

Now I'm wondering what can I do to really truly stick to my guns? I don't want to go through this again. There's A LOT more to this story, and I am feeling incredibly emotional right now, but this time around there is something very different going on that absolutely mandates that I cannot see this man anymore, that the relationship must totally discontinue. I am just really afraid I'm going to wind up giving in because I have so many times in the past.

Previously, my friends and family were not aware of this man's extreme addiction problem. I kept it an absolute secret but this time I have disclosed it. After growing up with an alcoholic/drug addict husband (my father), my mother has given me an ultimatum and indicated that she will no longer enable me to enable this man. I stand by her and understand that this is tough love on her part to help me see the light.

Does anyone have any advice for how to proceed? Are there support groups that could be helpful to me? As much as this man is addicted to drugs, I am fearful that I am addicted to him. And honestly, I don't even really feel like I love him. It's more that I pity him so much and feel so much empathy for him. Of course, he has NEVER felt these feelings for me, ever - only for himself!

Please help me to see the light!

NJandy

Ugh. I can relate. It's amazing how many of these stories sound almost exactly the same.

I can't (won't) give advice, but I will say what has helped me in dealing with my girlfriend, who is also a heroin addict in recovery:

1. I go to Al-Anon meetings. I choose them over Nar-Anon meetings because the Nar-Anon meetings are almost entirely parents dealing with drug addicted children, and I find that to be a totally different dynamic. Al-Anon meetings have a lot more people like me -- men/women dealing with husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends who have substance abuse problems. They don't seem to mind that my "qualifier" (hate that phrase) is a drug addict rather than an alcoholic. It's easy to find a list of meetings online. I just stick them into my electronic calendar and go.

Why do the meetings help? I'm not entirely sure. Often they're kind of dumb -- a lot of cheesy slogans. Plus some people use the meetings just to ramble about their personal lives (e.g., most recent medical procedure) in ways that have nothing to do with substance abuse. Still, I find that almost at every meeting there's someone who says something that gives me some insight about myself, and helps me understand my situation a little more clearly. I find that I have to have things repeated to me a lot before I finally "get" them. Also, being in a room full of people with similar problems makes me feel less alone. Currently I am using the meetings to find a sponsor, so I will have someone to talk to on the phone when I'm feeling blue.

2. I have also been regularly seeing a therapist, one who specializes in addiction issues. I find this incredibly helpful both in understanding the mind of the addict (my therapist is an addict in recovery) and in understanding why I react the way I do. It helps me see how to modify my behavior accordingly.

3. I've set a number of boundaries in my relationship with my girlfriend. The key: I don't set boundaries I can't live with. Like you said, the problem is sticking to your guns. I won't live with my girlfriend because of the risk/likelihood that she's going to start using again and/or fall out of recovery. Currently we are taking a lengthy
"break" in our relationship because I just was miserable dealing with her and the way she treated me. On the other hand, I don't tell myself that I won't help her if she relapses, because I know in my heart I will never be able to stick with that boundary. Don't write checks you can't cash.

4. I've tried to do a lot of research (both books and online) to better understand the disease. It has helped me see that much of her behavior is totally typical of an addict. Understanding that she is just doing what addicts do helps me see that a lot of her bad behavior has nothing to do with me, and that I should stop taking it personally.

5. I'm doing a lot of things to help make me feel better and also to help combat feelings of loneliness, in addition to the Al-Anon meetings and therapy. I know what you mean about being addicted to the addict. It's as much an issue for us of breaking that addiction. This is what is most helpful to me:

a. I exercise a ton. Like every day, one or two lengthy workouts. If nothing else, dealing with my girlfriend is going to leave me in awesome shape . I cannot say enough about the value of regular exercise for making me feel better.

b. I'm reconnecting with old friends -- just reaching out to people out of the blue and asking to meet for lunch or dinner. For some I talk about my "issues" and for some I don't, but either way I find it helpful.

c. I'm becoming re-involved in other social activities, in my case, my synagogue is key. I completely fell out of going in the last 3 years, but now I'm back to regular attendance. Yesterday I actually auditioned for a musical they're putting on -- pretty weird and something I've never done in my life. But I'm a decent singer, so I said what the heck. I think I'll get a part.

d. Just barely now, I'm starting to pursue activities/interests that I've wanted to pursue for a long while, but I didn't have the time. I'm just at the beginning stages of this.

My hope is that by doing all of this, I will be in a better position to make independent, strong decisions that are right for me, and not decisions based on fear, self-pity, feelings of loneliness etc.

A final word about suboxone. A suboxone maintenance program where the person takes subs for many months or years is not recovery. It's just another form of addiction, really just trading one drug for another. A limited use of subs to get through the early stages of withdrawal is fine, but lengthy use is crazy. Subs are opiates and just as easy to abuse as heroin or oxy. Plus, as I learned the hard way, many, many opiate addicts (probably all of them actually) use subs in conjunction with other opiates (and other drugs) -- e.g., taking subs for part of the month (when they can't get the opiates they want) and then switching back to heroin or oxy. This pattern can last forever. The fact that the individual is going to a "doctor" is meaningless -- many of the doctors are "dirty" (they'll write scripts for anyone for anything if they get paid). And even if they are not overtly engaged in illegal activity, they are frequently very neglectful. My girlfriend was almost never tested when she was seeing a sub doctor, and when she was she cached her urine and beat the test anyway. So being on the subs turned out to be a joke -- just another way to be a drug addict.

I wish you all the best in dealing with your situation. People might say "it's easy, just do X." Well, doing "X" whatever it is might be helpful, but it is NEVER easy.

Karrets

I am in the same boat as you. .. you keep moving forward. Pity you for a while. Get a copy of Co dependant no more and stick to your boundaries even if it kills you. . Cause believe me your pity is misplaced until he dies the work and he isn't x

GardenMama

Sorry for your troubles, but it is great you are going to take a positive step for yourself. Like Karrets, I would also recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. And face-to-face meetings are really helpful. Take care.

Hope7726

Yes, Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings and Codependent No More sound beneficial to you.

I read a post recently in the newcomers forum that I thought was a great idea. This young lady who was starting her recovery from alcohol addiction wrote a letter to herself. She started it out by saying, I have reached my low point for these reasons...this is how I feel right now...this is what I need to do and am going to do to feel better and recover...here is how I want my life to be 6 months/a year from now. She posted it on her wall so that whenever she was tempted to slip she could read it. She was very firm with herself in the letter (i.e. Look self, you will not eff this up. You know what you have to do to be happy and healthy. You know you want to stop feeling like this and you know what you need to do to make that happen), but also encouraging. Perhaps try something like that?

Another thing you might want to write/type out and post is a list of all of the crappy things your ex has done to you. Maybe that's not the most healthy way to deal with this but if it keeps you from letting him back into your life, I say go for it.

zoso77

VR,

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but you've come to a good place. A few of our members have beat me in terms of greeting you, but as is my wont, I've got a couple of things I'd like to share.

Well, you stick to your guns by sticking to your guns. If you're really, honest-to-goodness done with him, you could, for example:

* change your phone number
* block him on all social media
* filter his emails so they go in the trash
* take out a RO if he shows up at the house

Every time you feel weak, every time you feel like you want to go back for more, read this:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

And read it as many times as you can until every word is memorized and you fully understand its message. After all, when you use your wise mind, you have to ask yourself if that's the sort of guy you want to hitch your wagon to. The answer is self evident.

I hope you stay as long as you have need. And again, Welcome to the Board.

zoso77

Bump

VirgoRising

Thank you ALL so very much for your kind and well-thought out responses. I really appreciate them and it means a lot to me. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who has gone through an experience like this. I will check out all the literature and support groups you recommended, and also follow the tips for staying away.

I am in therapy and told my therapist about what I have done so far to keep him out of the picture. He has been blocked on all of my social media sites, my phone number has been changed, and in my final communication to him (in which I told him he MUST leave me alone for good), I also indicated to him not to try to communicate with me through mutual friends, to send me any mail, and most of all NOT TO SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE! I am very worried about the 15th because I know he has a sub appointment that day and it would be convenient for him to stop by. My therapist is pretty sure that he will make an attempt especially since I blocked all other ways for him to communicate with me. I will have relatives (who are now fully aware of the situation) staying with me that day, and my mother is planning to park her car right at the end of my driveway so he can't get in. We will call the police if he drives by continuously. I feel bad resorting to these measures, but as the saying goes - desperate times call for desperate measures!

Thanks again everyone - I am ordering some of the books you recommended on Amazon now!

cynical one

Someone who is involved with illegal drugs and the associated lifestyle will avoid being hassled by the police. I would get the word out that if he shows up you will call them.

SadWife7

I'm too tired to help much, and everyone else has been really helpful. All I have to say is that I would bookmark this post, so that when you are lonely & missing him, you can read it and remind yourself of why you aren't together, and that you are not happy in a relationship with him, and that being lonely is okay when you aren't also absolutely miserable.
Good luck!