Advice please!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 14
Advice please!
Hello. This is my first time to post on this site. I'm looking for some advice and guidance. My son is 24, and has abused opiates for 7 years. We have been through the gamut---rehabs, detox, overdose, er visits, methadone clinic, counselors, therapists. He has lost 14 jobs in the past 6 years. We have allowed him to live in our home all this time. Today, we asked him to leave. We took him to a Suboxone doctor this past week and he lied to us about using the Suboxone so he could continue using his drug of choice- Roxcodone--intravenously.
I have read SO MANY books and I know we have been enabling him by allowing him to live with us--but I am struggling with putting him out with no job, money or food. Trying to reassure ourselves we are doing the right thing--because we have tried everything else.
I have read SO MANY books and I know we have been enabling him by allowing him to live with us--but I am struggling with putting him out with no job, money or food. Trying to reassure ourselves we are doing the right thing--because we have tried everything else.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: grateful where at
Posts: 52
This is so hard as a parent to go through. Try to remember he is making the choices to use. He has to want recovery. My heart breaks for you. As a parent we have to get a strong backbone or they will continue to abuse the drugs and you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Welcome and keep posting and reading posts here. There are so many mothers of addict adult children here who totally understand your struggle. I have been and am going through what you shared for years, always clinging onto false hope and being fooled by his half-hearted attempts at rehab or working. My AS is 27 now and his DOC is heroin. I've been through much the same as you....until I was going to get evicted because of his behavior. I was able to move in about 5 weeks instead to not have an eviction on my record.
That's what it took for me to finally not let him come back. But I still paid for hotels for him and enabled him, even when he had his own money in the bank form working!
I've slowly learned to detach, but not completely and still give him money from time to time, let him sleep in my car, and cart all his clothes around in my trunk so He doesn't have to carry it! Pretty sick.
It has been very hard for me to fully let go, despite what I undertstand and know. Enabling is only hurting. AS many here will tell you. we have to let the addicts realize and experience the consequences of their choices. They will continue to use as long as we make it easy for them. It is crippling them and robbing them of the dignity of doing for them what they could do for themselves.
TRust me, I'm no expert. Read my posts and you'll see the insanity of my struggle and codependency. If we keep trying to save our addicted loved ones, we will drown and go down with them.
This is a very helpful and supportive site. I'm glad you've come here. God Bless.
That's what it took for me to finally not let him come back. But I still paid for hotels for him and enabled him, even when he had his own money in the bank form working!
I've slowly learned to detach, but not completely and still give him money from time to time, let him sleep in my car, and cart all his clothes around in my trunk so He doesn't have to carry it! Pretty sick.
It has been very hard for me to fully let go, despite what I undertstand and know. Enabling is only hurting. AS many here will tell you. we have to let the addicts realize and experience the consequences of their choices. They will continue to use as long as we make it easy for them. It is crippling them and robbing them of the dignity of doing for them what they could do for themselves.
TRust me, I'm no expert. Read my posts and you'll see the insanity of my struggle and codependency. If we keep trying to save our addicted loved ones, we will drown and go down with them.
This is a very helpful and supportive site. I'm glad you've come here. God Bless.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Flowers. I too am the mother of an adult addict and your post sounds so much like my story several years back.
I almost died trying to save my son, the insanity of codependency and the fear a mama carries in her heart could bury us before the drugs bury our children.
Nothing I ever did or did not do, helped my son. I let him come home many times, thinking if he had a safe warm place and good food with parents who loved him and cared, that this would be enough to turn him around. It never did for more than a month or two and always ended with our home as a war zone. He stole from us and stashed drugs in our home and brought people there that I would never ever let in if I was there at the time. He broke our hearts and he continued to use.
The hardest thing I ever did was to tell my son he could not come home but I could no longer allow my life and my heath to deteriorate and I had to make some hard choices.
I get through my days by praying and asking God to take care of my son and to do for him what I cannot. Then I live my day in peace and happiness, embracing the joy of each sunrise.
Meetings helped me find my balance, for me it was CoDA and Al-anon, and coming to SR for 12 years now and finding support every day.
I will pray for your son and for you, we mamas need all the help we can get.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
I almost died trying to save my son, the insanity of codependency and the fear a mama carries in her heart could bury us before the drugs bury our children.
Nothing I ever did or did not do, helped my son. I let him come home many times, thinking if he had a safe warm place and good food with parents who loved him and cared, that this would be enough to turn him around. It never did for more than a month or two and always ended with our home as a war zone. He stole from us and stashed drugs in our home and brought people there that I would never ever let in if I was there at the time. He broke our hearts and he continued to use.
The hardest thing I ever did was to tell my son he could not come home but I could no longer allow my life and my heath to deteriorate and I had to make some hard choices.
I get through my days by praying and asking God to take care of my son and to do for him what I cannot. Then I live my day in peace and happiness, embracing the joy of each sunrise.
Meetings helped me find my balance, for me it was CoDA and Al-anon, and coming to SR for 12 years now and finding support every day.
I will pray for your son and for you, we mamas need all the help we can get.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
The parade of mothers of addicts continues...
You did the right thing by asking him to leave. Did he? Can you stick to it? That is the hard part. When we are in it deep, it is hard to see our part, and yet once we decide we have had enough, it is still very hard to do what you have just asked of your son. I have had to do the very same thing more than once.
My daughter's DOC are heroin and meth. She's 21 and started using heroin at 16. When my rage was the strongest this past May, I put her and her ABF out of the house (they were visiting) and did not see her for 7 weeks. They were homeless, begged for money & food from strangers, lived by a river, looked like the walking dead. When she called in July, I knew she must have had enough, but I still didn't believe her. She went to two treatment centers in a row, is on methadone, and is working hard every day on her steps and her recovery. Five months sober next week. She lives with us temporarily now until next semester, when she plans to get back into college full time.
She told me last summer that she had finally scared herself. I have seen her nearly die twice. I can't shake those memories, but I had to let her go more intensely than I ever have--but at that point, I felt numb inside, as if she had already died. Watching her now, I am so grateful, but I know it was HER decision to get clean and stay clean that changed the outcome, not mine.
You have so much support here, Flower. I hope you will keep coming back. My heart goes out to you.
You did the right thing by asking him to leave. Did he? Can you stick to it? That is the hard part. When we are in it deep, it is hard to see our part, and yet once we decide we have had enough, it is still very hard to do what you have just asked of your son. I have had to do the very same thing more than once.
My daughter's DOC are heroin and meth. She's 21 and started using heroin at 16. When my rage was the strongest this past May, I put her and her ABF out of the house (they were visiting) and did not see her for 7 weeks. They were homeless, begged for money & food from strangers, lived by a river, looked like the walking dead. When she called in July, I knew she must have had enough, but I still didn't believe her. She went to two treatment centers in a row, is on methadone, and is working hard every day on her steps and her recovery. Five months sober next week. She lives with us temporarily now until next semester, when she plans to get back into college full time.
She told me last summer that she had finally scared herself. I have seen her nearly die twice. I can't shake those memories, but I had to let her go more intensely than I ever have--but at that point, I felt numb inside, as if she had already died. Watching her now, I am so grateful, but I know it was HER decision to get clean and stay clean that changed the outcome, not mine.
You have so much support here, Flower. I hope you will keep coming back. My heart goes out to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 14
Wow. I am overwhelmed with all your responses of support! I feel like God has shown me such a great sign in leading me to this site.
Sticking to my decision to not allow my son to move back in will definitely be hard----my daughter called this morning and told me that he stayed at her house last night but I know she won't be able to put up with him for long.
I know you all know what I'm feeling here---getting used to the fact that he is on his own to come up with a place to stay, food, etc--is the worst. My husband and I are committed however..we will continue to offer help for him if he is willing to go into Rehab but that is the only option at this point.
Sticking to my decision to not allow my son to move back in will definitely be hard----my daughter called this morning and told me that he stayed at her house last night but I know she won't be able to put up with him for long.
I know you all know what I'm feeling here---getting used to the fact that he is on his own to come up with a place to stay, food, etc--is the worst. My husband and I are committed however..we will continue to offer help for him if he is willing to go into Rehab but that is the only option at this point.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Just remember, most addicts are VERY resourceful, even when they play like they aren't to family and friends. It is great to keep reminding him you will be there for him again when he is ready to be serious about recovery, but I would even think about that deeply, too. Haven't you done an incredible amount already?
Maybe consider making a list and a timeline of all the things you have done to support his recovery in the past. Refer to it when you feel weak, and you will remember the impact those efforts had on him, what they had on you and your family, and I suspect this will allow you to think more clearly about what you are currently willing to do. He knows where to get help. He doesn't need you to help him get there! Try to remember that.
We made a "teen timeline" when she overdosed the first time that I have continued to add to over the years. It is not the most normal kind of childhood scrapbook, LOL, but it helps immensely.
Maybe consider making a list and a timeline of all the things you have done to support his recovery in the past. Refer to it when you feel weak, and you will remember the impact those efforts had on him, what they had on you and your family, and I suspect this will allow you to think more clearly about what you are currently willing to do. He knows where to get help. He doesn't need you to help him get there! Try to remember that.
We made a "teen timeline" when she overdosed the first time that I have continued to add to over the years. It is not the most normal kind of childhood scrapbook, LOL, but it helps immensely.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something I remind myself of often is that there is "real" help out there any time your child or mine is ready to reach out. Even shelters have counselors that will help them get into detox or a Salvation Army Rehab (which has a wonderful program and is free), and there are meetings every day with people who will help if asked. There are sober living homes for when they get clean, where they can live in a clean environment with support and structure.
"We" are not their only option, we're not even a good one. The people who help people like our children are experienced and very good at what they do.
My son knows where the real help is, any time he is ready to reach out.
Hugs
"We" are not their only option, we're not even a good one. The people who help people like our children are experienced and very good at what they do.
My son knows where the real help is, any time he is ready to reach out.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Garden Mama- I just started keeping a log today before I read this post, so I could track my own recovery and how it correlates with his actions. Just having something objective on paper keeps me from fooling myself when I think I'm helping, but enabling. I agree that this is a helpful strategy. Othertimes, I've added up all the money I've given him, even if in $10-$20 or more increments and it starts adding up to hundreds of dollars a week and thousands over months, only to see it wasted.
Flower..it sounds like you have done a lot and invested a great deal of time, intervention and money. Did you give him a timeline before you told him or some way of his knowing this was coming? I don't know if you can turn it around now and give him a week or few days to prepare. I was reluctant to do that with my AS because I feared he would get violent or steal things before he left.
If not, here's a link to resources in Fort Smith, if it's the same Fort Smith where you reside. I'm sure there are others out there. He can always apply for social services support like food stamps and General Relief, so he can eat and have some limited financial resources. Here's the link I found: http://www.unitedwayfortsmith.org/wp...ourceGuide.pdf
I hope this helps you to know there are places he can go, so you aren't necessarily sending him to the streets and he can survive there.
Peace to you..
Flower..it sounds like you have done a lot and invested a great deal of time, intervention and money. Did you give him a timeline before you told him or some way of his knowing this was coming? I don't know if you can turn it around now and give him a week or few days to prepare. I was reluctant to do that with my AS because I feared he would get violent or steal things before he left.
If not, here's a link to resources in Fort Smith, if it's the same Fort Smith where you reside. I'm sure there are others out there. He can always apply for social services support like food stamps and General Relief, so he can eat and have some limited financial resources. Here's the link I found: http://www.unitedwayfortsmith.org/wp...ourceGuide.pdf
I hope this helps you to know there are places he can go, so you aren't necessarily sending him to the streets and he can survive there.
Peace to you..
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Flower,
First, welcome to SR!
Please listen, read and reread what we say and especially what Gardenmama went through, her suggestions and experiences are excellent advice. She truly knows what she is talking about. Resourceful...remember that word...it almost rhymes with addiction...
I too am a momma in this club. We know what this pain feels like, it's very strong and it hurts so bad. Believe me, it does ease up...
Find your boundaries and stick to them. No exceptions. Stick around, we care about you!
Take care of yourself and keep your HOPE alive and strong! hugs!
TF
First, welcome to SR!
Please listen, read and reread what we say and especially what Gardenmama went through, her suggestions and experiences are excellent advice. She truly knows what she is talking about. Resourceful...remember that word...it almost rhymes with addiction...
I too am a momma in this club. We know what this pain feels like, it's very strong and it hurts so bad. Believe me, it does ease up...
Find your boundaries and stick to them. No exceptions. Stick around, we care about you!
Take care of yourself and keep your HOPE alive and strong! hugs!
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 14
Garden Mama-
You are so right--we have done a tremendous amount already.
I've done a similar variation of the timeline you mentioned--I made a list of all the arrests, drama, lost jobs, terrible days, embarrassing family situations, money lost/stolen, violent outbursts, lies and things stolen over the years. It is eye opening to say the least.
There are so many emotions with this horrible nightmare---anger, disgust, fear, worry, confusion, grief, sadness, feeling helpless. I know each of you know what I mean.
Thank you all for your comments of support and advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I have hidden this from all but a few very close friends and from many of our family members and all of my co-workers.
I attended a support group once but it was not comfortable at all (there were only 3-4 people in attendance and you could tell they all knew each other very well-- we felt like outsiders) Anyway, I am not complaining--just saying this site is already such a blessing.
Vaya, thank you so much for adding that link. I am in Fort Smith, Arkansas so that is right where I live.
You asked if I had been able to give my AS any warning this was coming--we have threatened for years but the straw that broke the camel's back was when he cursed us and tried to attack my husband yesterday. Something in us finally just snapped and we said "no more".
I am starting to feel sad and anxious about the decision (only because we have been enabling for so long) and I worry about it ....but I know things have to change.
Pray for me ladies that I can stand strong and that with each passing day I will become stronger.
Hugs to each of you
You are so right--we have done a tremendous amount already.
I've done a similar variation of the timeline you mentioned--I made a list of all the arrests, drama, lost jobs, terrible days, embarrassing family situations, money lost/stolen, violent outbursts, lies and things stolen over the years. It is eye opening to say the least.
There are so many emotions with this horrible nightmare---anger, disgust, fear, worry, confusion, grief, sadness, feeling helpless. I know each of you know what I mean.
Thank you all for your comments of support and advice. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. I have hidden this from all but a few very close friends and from many of our family members and all of my co-workers.
I attended a support group once but it was not comfortable at all (there were only 3-4 people in attendance and you could tell they all knew each other very well-- we felt like outsiders) Anyway, I am not complaining--just saying this site is already such a blessing.
Vaya, thank you so much for adding that link. I am in Fort Smith, Arkansas so that is right where I live.
You asked if I had been able to give my AS any warning this was coming--we have threatened for years but the straw that broke the camel's back was when he cursed us and tried to attack my husband yesterday. Something in us finally just snapped and we said "no more".
I am starting to feel sad and anxious about the decision (only because we have been enabling for so long) and I worry about it ....but I know things have to change.
Pray for me ladies that I can stand strong and that with each passing day I will become stronger.
Hugs to each of you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
When my AS went after my neighbor, (regardless that they attacked him night before and she provoked him), I called police, (as did neighbors). He was arrested, but was about to be released.I asked police to have him evaluated for a mental health hold because of his behavior. They were going to take him to the hospital until he kicked their window &may have broken it, so he was detained for vandalism! That was my last straw.....after he got out of jail I explained he couldn't come back because management forbid it and he would be arrested if he did. Neighbors were told to call police if he was on property.
I won't bother with the rest of the details, because the point is, you could always wait until this happens, if that's what you want.
Sounds like he can be violent and dangerous. Addicts get that way, especially when they don't have enough dope and to manipulate others, especially parents.
My AS got into it with my sober younger son and when I tried to intervene, he pushed me out of the way and I would up falling and breaking my wrist! There were other times I was pushed and shoved and threatened too. I called emergency psych team to come and more.....but he knew how to work it.
NOTHING GOT SOLVED BY HIS CONTINUING TO STAY WITH ME. It only got worse. Once the addict crosses a line of physical abuse it is critical to nip it in the bud. I didn't and it escalated to the point of a broken wrist, and eviction. NO matter how much I may love my AS, I've got to ask myself, is it worth it?
You definitely made the right decision to have him leave, especially if he's getting violent. He can get a 14 day hotel voucher too from social services.
I know how hard this is, but you have taken positive steps to protect yourself and your husband, and ultimately to help your son realize the consequences of his actions. Keep posting, reading, find a support group or meeting.
I have felt like I was the stranger or intruder in some meetings I went to, but I got a lot out of listening to others share and having the ability to get it off my chest . There are support groups including Al Anon, Nar Anon, Coda, Families Anonymous. Keep looking and attending. It does help.
Hugs to you.
I won't bother with the rest of the details, because the point is, you could always wait until this happens, if that's what you want.
Sounds like he can be violent and dangerous. Addicts get that way, especially when they don't have enough dope and to manipulate others, especially parents.
My AS got into it with my sober younger son and when I tried to intervene, he pushed me out of the way and I would up falling and breaking my wrist! There were other times I was pushed and shoved and threatened too. I called emergency psych team to come and more.....but he knew how to work it.
NOTHING GOT SOLVED BY HIS CONTINUING TO STAY WITH ME. It only got worse. Once the addict crosses a line of physical abuse it is critical to nip it in the bud. I didn't and it escalated to the point of a broken wrist, and eviction. NO matter how much I may love my AS, I've got to ask myself, is it worth it?
You definitely made the right decision to have him leave, especially if he's getting violent. He can get a 14 day hotel voucher too from social services.
I know how hard this is, but you have taken positive steps to protect yourself and your husband, and ultimately to help your son realize the consequences of his actions. Keep posting, reading, find a support group or meeting.
I have felt like I was the stranger or intruder in some meetings I went to, but I got a lot out of listening to others share and having the ability to get it off my chest . There are support groups including Al Anon, Nar Anon, Coda, Families Anonymous. Keep looking and attending. It does help.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 93
I'll let the moms here help, but one thing did stick out that I wanted to comment on. You mentioned the support group
"(there were only 3-4 people in attendance and you could tell they all knew each other very well-- we felt like outsiders)"
Keep in mind- they were outsiders once. And there is a reason they all are comfortable with each other-They have bonded together over their personal situations. Everyone of the them at some point probably came to the meeting terrified, sat and just listened or cried through telling the group while they were there. The wonderful thing is that EVERYONE THERE CARES. They care so much because they know your pain. It breaks your heart to watch someone new come in, to know that they have the same pain you do. So you welcome them with open arms and reassure them that time will pass and things will improve, if not with the addict, then in your own life. I go to a family group weekly, there are 5ish of us right now that have been there weekly since I started. It is the most pain in the butt meeting to make it to, with my kids and work, but I have only missed 3 meetings in the 9ish months I've been going. I look forward to it every week.
Sober Recovery is also wonderful. It was all I had for a while and it made such a huge difference.
"(there were only 3-4 people in attendance and you could tell they all knew each other very well-- we felt like outsiders)"
Keep in mind- they were outsiders once. And there is a reason they all are comfortable with each other-They have bonded together over their personal situations. Everyone of the them at some point probably came to the meeting terrified, sat and just listened or cried through telling the group while they were there. The wonderful thing is that EVERYONE THERE CARES. They care so much because they know your pain. It breaks your heart to watch someone new come in, to know that they have the same pain you do. So you welcome them with open arms and reassure them that time will pass and things will improve, if not with the addict, then in your own life. I go to a family group weekly, there are 5ish of us right now that have been there weekly since I started. It is the most pain in the butt meeting to make it to, with my kids and work, but I have only missed 3 meetings in the 9ish months I've been going. I look forward to it every week.
Sober Recovery is also wonderful. It was all I had for a while and it made such a huge difference.
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