choices- my life is my fault

Old 09-12-2014, 09:40 PM
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choices- my life is my fault

I have been reading and writing here and it is all helping a lot... I have started thinking about my life. Why am I in this situation? Why am I so damn weak? How come I give away my last dollar to anyone that needs it and don't take care of myself?
Why do I need people to like or love me so much? My dad is an addict of everything... drink, coke, pills, heroin... and I give him time, energy, money when he is clean, support... why? what do I get back? My step dad touches base once a year or so and I give him time and love... but he is so far gone that I can barely look at him. Step dad has kidney failure, drinks rum and coke for breakfast, and does crack. Why do I welcome him on the off day he feels like seeing me? My ex husband abused me for 7 out of the 16 years we were together, sat on his ass, and watched me fall apart for 3 years with GAD and panic attacks... never lent a hand, just abused me more. Had many many affairs... I just trusted him and believed his bull. My newest breakup did so many drugs he lost his mind and I helped and helped and helped until I was broken and falling apart. I believed him that he was not on drugs for a very long time- it was right in my face, obvious, but I had no real proof so I just made myself trust him...
So I look at this all and start to realize that I did this to me. I made these choices to give up myself and my life to help these people that never liked or loved me. Why?
I think there are people like me and maybe you that are actually genuine, honest, kind hearted. I think that I look at the world and assume that everyone has the same good intentions I do. If I see someone hungry I bring them food. If a friend had no diapers for the baby I buy them. My best friend's well pump broke and I got it fixed... these people come to me because they know I will help but these same people never give back. I attract these people. They find me because I take in the lost puppies and feed them. They see me like a beacon and run over to me for a free ride.
My business partner and good friend stabbed me in the back and stole my clients... I didn't protect myself from her. Why do I trust people at all? I am starting to think that I need to stop caring about everyone else and focus on me. It's the only way to make it financially, emotionally. I messed up my life because I let myself be a doormat and I never learn my lesson.
So it is all really my fault. I choose what happens to me. I cant blame all these people for taking advantage. I let them. I am not saying I am going to go out and steal and hurt people or break some hearts, but I think I will be a little more cautious. Take care of me and my kids and for those that wont take care of themselves I just don't have the time or energy.
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Old 09-12-2014, 10:16 PM
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Check out the thread Come here...Go away! posted by Anvilhead in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. I'd post a link but they never work on my iPad.
Anyway, it's a good read about bad relationships and forgiving yourself. I've made a lot of the same mistakes you have and that thread really spoke to me.
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Old 09-13-2014, 05:47 AM
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Here's a link to Come here...go away.

Wildrose, we may be a victim of our past, of abusive or alcoholic homes or bad circumstances...but we can and do get past that with a lot of work and courage. The future is ours to make, new beginnings, new attitudes, new healing and healthy choices.

We can grow from victim to survivor. We can stop living in the problem and begin living in the solution. And we can find love and beauty in each new day once we get past the obstacles that block our path.

Meetings have helped many here, and therapy. Working through our issues is how we get past them.

I hope your life gets better...beginning today.

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Old 09-13-2014, 05:55 AM
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To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves - there lies the great, singular power of self-respect.- Joan Didion
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Old 09-13-2014, 06:16 AM
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Holy moly, that's some shite to cop in one life time.

Look on the bright side though, you've woken up to it.

Maybe you do care too much and maybe it feels like you keep putting yourself in a position to get thrown under the bus.

First step is acknowledging the problem, so you're on your way to something better.
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Old 09-13-2014, 02:34 PM
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There is a fine line between taking responsibility for your choices and beating yourself up.

And I think that coming here, sharing what you've gone through in your life, and looking at where you've made a bad call is the start of the former. Let's face it: none of us bat a thousand. And rest assured, even the smartest and the wisest of us will step in it from time to time. That's life. All that we can hope for is, in the words of my clinician, we make sophisticated mistakes when we do step in it.

So, don't beat yourself up. Sh*t happens, to the best of us. Look at your choices dispassionately, be honest about why you did what you did, and learn from it. Learn to trust your gut.

And, perhaps most importantly, learn how to say no.
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Old 09-13-2014, 09:47 PM
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There is a book by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D. The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships that you may find very interesting. It is about the original bonds we form with parents and others as children that are destructive yet necessary to our living (as children). The theory is that we repeat these dynamics in relationships in subsequent years until we address the initial trauma. Carnes gives lots of good advice about how to get out of this cycle.

I found it to be one of the best of the many books I read, along with Melody Beattie's Co-dependent No More.

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Old 09-13-2014, 10:12 PM
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Wildrose, your life matters too. Giving good things to yourself is what healthy people do, in order to stay healthy and happy.

As Zoso said, learn to say No. It's not easy , but it's your right to respect and care for yourself, and not give your all away to others who drain you dry.

I am glad you are here. Melody Beatties book 'Codependent No More" is about learning to take care of yourself, and to live the best life you can. how not to be used, and how not to feel responsible for fixing everyone.

big hugs to you. a day at a time, do what is right for you, even if it doesn't feel great at first, it will give you back yourself, and eventually it will feel really really good.

keep posting, we care.
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Old 09-14-2014, 07:02 PM
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Users can smell a kind soul a mile away, believe me. Worry about YOU and only YOU for a while. Let someone else pick up the pieces, you have done too much for too long.
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Old 09-15-2014, 08:07 AM
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wow, I feel like I wrote this is so similar to me, but I have hope we can learn our way out of this cycle. I'm so glad for this site. I'm going to buy a copy of codependent no more today!
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Old 09-15-2014, 08:21 AM
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Life choices do matter. Sometimes we chose to help b/c our capacity for empathy and compassion is much higher than others.

And sometimes we chose to help b/c we were wired from our birth families to only feel loved when we were care giving.

It is important that we offer the same empathy and compassion to ourselves that we offer the stranger or our addicts.

Most of us are bottomless when it comes to compassion for others.....but for ourselves....not so much.

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