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Old 07-27-2014, 12:36 AM
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Thumbs up 1st time out

I guess I just needed to say out loud that for the 1st time in 9 years I took my kids to do something fun on my own, with my own money.

You see, I have discovered that I am extremely codependent. I cannot do anything without my AH. Nothing!! For years I could not even go get gas without him. Not because he was controlling, but because I would have to be by myself. I hate being alone. But being alone all summer made me realize that I will not die because I am alone. It at times was actually nice. Anyway, my AH and I were going to take the kids to phoenix today to a water park. He pissed me off, so I have not heard from him all day. I slept in, which is not like me. Laid in bed for a while and then thought "screw it, and screw him. He has taken so much from us and I am sick of him ruining everything. My life, my children's life, our dreams, our hopes. Screw him. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. My kids were promised a good time, and I can give it to them!!!!" So, at 3 this afternoon, I rounded them up and we drove 3 hrs to phoenix and I took them to dinner, the mall, and then to a movie (Hercules, good movie). They had fun. We are now at my oldest daughters staying the night and will return home tomorrow. Needless to say, I am proud of myself. I did it. Baby steps for me, but my kids are seeing leaps and bounds in my recovery and that's all that matters to me.
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Old 07-27-2014, 04:46 AM
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Good for you! Sounds like a fun time and I'm glad you all enjoyed it!

Jane
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Old 07-27-2014, 05:24 AM
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It's a wonderful thing to discover that WE hold the key to our happiness, not anyone else, and we have held it all along.

You used your key well today, had fun with your children and even more than that...through your example they can see that you and they don't have to depend on anyone else to bring them fun and happiness.

That's a huge step and I hope the first of many. You and your children deserve happiness and fun and joy in your lives.

Hugs
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Old 07-27-2014, 05:48 AM
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i really enjoyed reading this post, as i know just how hard it is to start to do things on your own, and more importantly trying to do something for others like you just did for your kids

bet the kids had a great time and you will have found that you can do it without the need for anyone else
now keep on going like that and soon it will be like riding a bike
well done
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Old 07-27-2014, 07:26 AM
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Good for you to put a foot forward in reclaiming your life - kids will appreciate more than you know. My nonusing daughter told me just the other day how much she hated her sister my AD " not because she is an addict but because what she has done to you Mommy and our family" I know in her heart it isn't true hate but just anger fear and sadness all balled up into one but it made me realize how vitally important it is to resume "life" in the family and not allow the continued addict empowerment to take over. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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Old 07-27-2014, 10:19 AM
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Thank you. Today I wake feeling a little sad, but nothing I won't push through. I am sure on the way home today my 14 yr old daughter will talk my ear off for 3 hrs.

I guess I am sad because I finally realized Friday that my AH only cares about himself and his needs. He is such a liar and a coward. I know now things will never change.
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Old 07-27-2014, 10:33 AM
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I can't tell you whether it will change or won't but it's time for all of us family members of addicts to think of ourselves and our health and happiness first because really, whoever here at SR that told me first, that's the only thing I can do and can control. It is hard - very hard I know - but it gets better. Prayers to you and yours
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Old 07-27-2014, 10:52 AM
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Thanks Amy. I know the reality of this, but I just want to txt him and tell him how much I hate him. But I won't because I don't and it would not solve anything anyway. I am angry. Very angry. I wish I could hate him, but I can't. I love him. I will just not do or say anything that will cause me more stress and anger. I will cherish this day, get my mind clear, and pray for serenity. I know what the future holds. It hold me and my kids getting on with it and leaving him behind to stay in his active addiction. I feel sorry for him, but idk why. This addiction is his choice. The kids and I are just riders in the train wreck. I chose to get off. We are innocent bystanders to his choices. I have to protect them. I have to. If I don't, who will??
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Old 07-27-2014, 11:09 AM
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They are lucky to have you and they'll reap rewards in later life. I feel very badly that I did not learn this earlier - my non addicted daughter is almost 20 and I see the toll it has taken on her. Your doing the right thing - trust in yourself and take care of yourself first. Someone told me " you know how you get on a flight and the airline reviews the emergency operations including breathing masks? Remember they always tell you to do you first then others". Made sense to me - such a dummy for missing it for so long! But better late than never!
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Old 07-27-2014, 11:46 AM
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Originally Posted by mejo View Post
I guess I just needed to say out loud that for the 1st time in 9 years I took my kids to do something fun on my own, with my own money.

You see, I have discovered that I am extremely codependent. I cannot do anything without my AH. Nothing!! For years I could not even go get gas without him. Not because he was controlling, but because I would have to be by myself. I hate being alone. But being alone all summer made me realize that I will not die because I am alone. It at times was actually nice. Anyway, my AH and I were going to take the kids to phoenix today to a water park. He pissed me off, so I have not heard from him all day. I slept in, which is not like me. Laid in bed for a while and then thought "screw it, and screw him. He has taken so much from us and I am sick of him ruining everything. My life, my children's life, our dreams, our hopes. Screw him. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. My kids were promised a good time, and I can give it to them!!!!" So, at 3 this afternoon, I rounded them up and we drove 3 hrs to phoenix and I took them to dinner, the mall, and then to a movie (Hercules, good movie). They had fun. We are now at my oldest daughters staying the night and will return home tomorrow. Needless to say, I am proud of myself. I did it. Baby steps for me, but my kids are seeing leaps and bounds in my recovery and that's all that matters to me.
Wow, mejo, I am so impressed. I have tears of joy for you. That was a gigantic first step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 07-27-2014, 12:08 PM
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Thank you my friend. It was a huge step. I made this trip once a week when he was in treatment. Such a waste. So mad today. Gonna jam my music and make this trip home holding onto this anger for as long as i can. What hurts the most was the comment from one of my kids at the theater last night " I wish J was here. It is so weird being at a movie with you and without him. I miss him." . (Sigh) I did not say anything. They don't understand. I have hid so much from them. Not to protect him, but to protect them from disappointment. They felt so much embarrassment when he told them he was going to treatment for meth. They cried and cried. They thought he was a drunk, not a junkie. So now I just hold it in. They see my sadness and fear, but they hope things will get better and we will be home soon. My daughter told me she wants her room back. Lol, I thought we would be home by the time they got back too. Just another disappointment.
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Old 07-27-2014, 01:18 PM
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Such a great post of progress! We can do things for ourselves and that is important for our happiness and well being. Yes, it's sad that our supposed partner isn't' willing/able to do the good stuff in life. However, it's better that they are not along, when they are not well, they bring everyone else down!
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Old 07-27-2014, 04:04 PM
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Yours is a spirit of courage...and we are all in awe.
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Old 07-27-2014, 05:21 PM
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Thank you Vale. Your words mean so much to me.
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:05 PM
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Yes, I agree with Vale and the others, in that you were great, and made our hearts feel good, with your giving to yourself and your children the happy time you deserved!

I promise, the good times will eventually crowd out the sad thoughts! You are the only thing you need to make you happy,,, and your childrens love,of course!

keep it up. I have a feeling that your story is going to have a very happy ending. Your will to be happy is big,,, and that is fantastic!
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Old 07-27-2014, 09:35 PM
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How wonderful! A greatfirst step. Keep doing things like this for you and your kids and you will continue to be stronger every time!!

Hugs to you!
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Old 07-28-2014, 12:52 PM
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That is by far the best thing I have read yet today. How awesome are you?!

What do you have planned for you and the kids next weekend??
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Old 07-28-2014, 01:55 PM
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Nothing much. I am on call next weekend so we will have to find something to do around town.
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