TidyDancer

My ex-partner of 4 years and I split a few weeks ago. He was injecting heroin. I've felt much better about it than I thought I would and have felt more relaxed, less stressed now that I've stopped checking to see if he's using and feeling exhausted with that. He texted me to say he's really upset and misses me but he will not get better unless he's on his own and I want to move on with my life because the last year has been hell.

The thing that bothers me is that his family came to see him last week and tried to persuade him to go into a rehab centre which he apparently adamantly refused. He's tried to convey to them that his relapse onto heroin is my fault because of an argument we had 2 years ago when I thought his behaviour towards another woman was inappropriate and he accused me of paranoia. I was unhappy with the fact that he was texting this woman to say he missed her with kisses on the end and calling her in the middle of the night. He said she was just a friend. I don't think I was unreasonable to question him about this but he keeps referring back to it as a reference point as to why he relapsed onto heroin. And I think his family believe it. I know I can't control what anyone else thinks but still I feel hurt by it.

So like I said, just posting to offload. He hadn't known his family were coming - they just turned up and I think he finds it easier to blame me.

Ann

It's "easier" for him to blame you than to accept his own responsibility in cheating and using heroin.

We both know that nothing we do or don't do can make anyone use or not use. If it were otherwise, not one of us would be here.

What he thinks, what his parents think, what anyone else thinks is not important. What matters is what we "know" in our hearts and our hearts know that we do not have to accept the blame or shame, no matter how willingly and well wrapped it is given. Return to sender.

You are wise to move on. You already feel healthier without carrying the daily stress, worry, despair, turmoil that active addiction brings. It gets even better, I promise.

Take good care of you, find your balance and heal. Embrace the peace that surrounds you and sweep away guilt that anyone leaves at your door.

Hugs

zoso77

This is the excuse he's using at this moment. He'd use another excuse at a different time if given the opportunity. And you deserve a lot of credit for removing yourself from the madness.

It's also worth mentioning that what he's gaslighting you, which is a particuarly vile form of psychological abuse. But that's what sick people do when they get called out on their behavior. See it for what it is.

EmJaye

Once my husband was in recovery, he told me that he would purposely pick fights with me so that he could storm out and have an excuse to use. He knew that it was just an excuse and not my fault at all...he would go to any lengths to make himself feel less responsible.

TidyDancer

Gaslighting, yes I totally agree. His dealer would send him messages but would call him a different name and then when I questioned him he would say it was obviously a wrong number and then say

'What the hell are you taking about? I'm not called Gerry - are you crazy?'

Hawkeye13

Everyone posting above is right.

Good for you for getting out of the situation.

Txhelp

The number one that that you see, in a person, that REALLY wants help is accepting RESPONSIBILITY.

I guess he isn't ready!

TidyDancer

I thought the same Txhelp I have to say.

AnvilheadII

his relapse onto heroin is my fault because of an argument we had 2 years ago

wow, that's a bit of a stretch, don't ya think??? I don't think I can RECALL a single argument or conversation from TWO YEARS ago? not one that I still drag around with me today.

here is why addicts relapse....cuz they wanna. be it deaths, weather or argument, those are all just EXCUSES to use again. i'm a former crack addict...just last nite for reasons unknown, I had a crack dream. but that did NOT give me license, permission or entitlement to use again. I staked my claim, not again, ever, for any reason at any time under any condition. and that has worked perfectly for close to 8 years now.........