hiddenbiker

I have "known" about the tools of recovery since 1986, have searched endlessly as to why I cannot "surrender" and let go of my son. Open to any suggestions to those who have or had a similar struggle.

needingabreak

In so sorry you are having to deal with this. It is incredibly hard to not have any control over our children and hurts so bad when they are struggling in addiction. My heart goes out to you. For me, reading Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie was a great start. Then I came here and worked hard at trying to not control everything in my son's life. It took time, sitting in my uncomfortableness and training myself to not call, text or ask questions but to let those feelings pass. It requires working on yourself every single day. Am I perfect? Not by a long shot but I am a lot better than I was and just try to do my best. I wish you well hiddenbiker. I know how hard it is.

chicory

Welcome hiddenbiker. glad you are here. You are certainly not alone. lots of momma's and dad's who have struggled as you are.

everyone does things differently in life. I take it you have had experience with recovery and how it works.

If you wanna talk about it, we are here to help you if we can. I understand some of that, as I have a grown son who lives with me, who drinks when he gets a job and money, and ends up losing his job. I came here for support, as he lived with me when he was in a bad time of excessive drinking of vodka and being destructive. I was at a point where I went to my employer and told him why I was a mess. I could not concentrate or focus on much of anything. I moved and did not tell him where I was going. he lived in his car for a while, he got arrested for having some pot a friend gave him for his birthday. he went to a shelter for a short while. I was out of my mind with grief and worry.

A friend took him in, and finally put him out too. I took him in, to keep him off the streets, as he is a nerdy guy who is not street smart, and I just could not bear him homeless again. He agreed to go to counsel, and did twice, got evaluated with situational depression, but did not want to take meds.

He did not drink for a long while and it seemed to heal him a lot, emotionally and mentally, physically too. he does not ask for money, but when he gets a job, as I said, he spends money on booze, and does not seem to be saving or have a plan. he has a very big list of excuses.. but I worry that he has mental issues which would make it dangerous for him to be on the street.

I have had much advice that I should not let him be here. I am beginning to feel desperate . I am starting to think that maybe I could have the courage to make stronger boundaries, but its hard to enforce them. I am a big codie, I know. a child of alcoholics, and I am a great caretaker, but I am working on getting stronger, and want to do the right thing, for him and for me.

how are you and how are things going for you? sounds like you are having a really tough time.

rdcrds

As a parent we think we can fix anything for our children. My daughter is on H and trying to get her clean and not letting go cause of my Gran Kids. If it is just your Son and no kids besides him then you should tell him you love him and will pray for him to get better and then pray but let him go.

If i had no Gran Kids my Daughter would have a place to sleep but no money.

As many have said on here there is nothing we can do to make them better they have to want to get better. I have held on cause my Gran Babies need me and i need them. I am haing a hard time as well so know you are not alone.

anykey

you can not live his life for him

Raider

I can't say I fully understand, I don't have kids. But my heart breaks for you.

Sunshine2

Hiddenbiker, I too have a son lost in addiction. I did let go, but it took a long time.

I would say for me the biggest reasons why I couldn't let go was my own guilt for the mistakes I made during his childhood and the fear as to what would happen to him. I did let go of the guilt and fear eventually, because as you say, it will kill you.

All the guilt and fear in the world will not make a difference to the eventual outcome. Was I going to let my son's choices claim more victims than just him? Was it also going to destroy me and my other son? That is really what the decision is about, as nothing I did made any difference to my son's addiction. How many people will you allow this addiction to destroy?

Ann

My son's addiction almost killed me too. The sad thing is, even if it killed me it wouldn't change one thing about his addiction and life.

It took me years but I finally had my "moment" of surrender one night after I had driven an hour to the city he was in, and I went to the crack house and threatened to kick down the door if they did not send him out. This is totally out of character for me and it was a stupid, dangerous thing to do. He came out, we went to his apartment where I spend the night on his sofa and in the morning I drove to come home and he went back to the crack house. On the drive home I was crying and pulled off the highway and told God that I just could not do one more day like that. I immediately felt my burden lifted and that was the day my life changed.

CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) helped me find my balance again, also Al-anon, and SoberRecovery has been my daily go-to place to keep my serenity. I learned that I could not live in my son's addiction and my recovery at the same time.

Today I say a prayer every morning asking God to take care of my son (who is still lost in his addiction somewhere) and I live my day well, trusting that God can do for my son what I cannot.

It's heartbreaking to be the mother of an addict but we don't have to live in the darkness of their addiction. It doesn't help to do that and it will eat us alive over time.

I'm glad you found us and hope you find some comfort here knowing we understand what you are going through.

Hugs

sojourner

"Do or do not. There is no try." Yoda.


Keep coming back! There are many of us who have been where you are at, and you will always find someone to "feel your pain." And when you get to the point where you are willing to do what you know you need to do (for you and for your beloved addict son), you will find those folks here who will help you through that also.

Lovenjoy

wishing you all the best. there is much wisdom here, i hope you can find ways to your personal peace.

rethellbenthny

Hello Sunshine2,
I wanted to say what you posted made me sign up this evening on this site for help with dealing with my childs addiction. It really made me have some hope after all. My heart & story is the same as her sons addiction & what is happening to her.
TY TY TY
Love & support to all who are hurting.

Lovenjoy

welcome to SR rethellbenthny, glad you found the place and sorry for the need. there are many of us mom's here and much wisdom. i believe it has saved my life and i know it has saved my sanity!

you might want to start your own thread so more people can "meet" you and welcome you. joining SR is a wonderful step in taking care of you!

my son is a recovering (?) addict and this is a really tough journey. i am no longer walking alone thanks to SR and that has made a world of difference.

again

mandevilla

Hi hiddenbiker,
My 28 year old daughter has relapsed and is back on the streets again because she would rather be high than safe at home with me. I suppose she did me a kindness in her own way because she didn't want me to actually see her downward spiral. I know how hard it is to surrender her to God, but it is the only way you will find sanity and serenity. It's hard for me too - I've been on this rollercoaster ride with her for years. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you find peace.

BreesGram

Rdcrds, I am in same boat as you with my daughter who has heroin addicted boyfriend and she enables him and I enable her. She has children though and it's so hard when there are little grand kids involved. People that tell me what I need to do, don't have grandchildren and I think that things wouldn't be so cut and dried if they were in same situation with grandchildren. Still, our grandchildren are being hurt terribly having an addict for a parent. So heart breaking.

BreesGram

Mandevilla, I feel your pain over your daughter who is back again using drugs. I have only been on here just over a week or so but I am learning so much. Does anyone really get clean and stay clean?

Amysad

As everyone can see the boat we are in is quite large - I very been riding in the boat for a long time as a "hope-ium addict" myself - hoping praying waiting worrying freaking crying but mostly STANDING still while MY life stopped for the past 10 years. It's the biggest mistake I ever made but my hope-ium addiction is over. I do live without my AD and it hurts every day but every day I get better stronger and more confidant in the path I am finally on and that it is the best path for me. I pray for your "aha" moment. Stay with us here and it will come.

vaya

I truly understand your struggle. My AS has mental health issues which he self medicates with heroin. It's always everyone elses fault and nothing is fair or works for him. After 3 months of helping him since he had to leave my home, and caused me to have to move to, I'm finally getting it. I read Let Go and Let Grow prayers from my FA group and try not to enable and rescue him. I'm learning and doing it gradually. I'm not comfortable just shutting the door altogether, but I also know that I am sacrificing my own peace of mind by doing so. For now, I'm trying to slowly wean him and to wean me from enabling. some may feel differently here, but I can only do what I am comfortable doing.Fear of permanent loss, especially from his DOC is a real factor. However, I have lost my apartment and had to move to avoid eviction and lose valuable time I need to take care of my business and myself.I'm at a point where I can only help him find resources to help him and then he will have to do the rest. He isnow 27. he can navigate and orchestrate everything just fine when it comes to getting his drug.I pray he will choose to stay off the streets and at least have a bed at night at the shelter near my job. I realize this is also for my peace of mind as well. I don't know how people handle knowing their addict child is out there somewhere, but they have no idea of where or how they are doing. I haven't been able to let go to that degree yet.However, I am beginning to see the futility of my efforts and will have to let him learn to take care of himself.It's hard to get into rehab and he tried recently but the place was a dump and people were using.All he has to do is keep calling to get on and stay on lists and help will be there. He seems to prefer to live in constant crisis...and I have grown tired of it and of wasting my time and money. This can be a great resource hers, but I have found I had to learn and make decisions as I felt comfortable and as necessary. My home, peace of mind, and own life are important and I cannot continue to make sacrifices as I have.It took me a while to get to this point....in the end, much of what is said here is true, but is is hard as a mother. I must remember that when my AS was just learning to walk I did not constantly hold his hand and cushion every tumble, or he would never have learned to walk on his own. So it is now...or he will continue to depend on me and I will continue to enable which only prolongs his pain, suffering and using.

mandevilla

Hi Vaya,
My 28 year old AD is an IV meth addict with mental health issues. After being sober (this time) for about 3 months, she chose to leave my home and go back on the streets just 4 days ago. It is hard to know your child is out there somewhere, wondering if he or she is hungry or cold or scared. I've had many sleepless nights worrying if she was safe. I pray A LOT. It's the only thing I can do to try to find peace in this nightmare. I'm sorry you are going through this. I hate this disease - I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Hugs to you.

thequest

Don't let your son drag down entire families or groups of friends. Lost a friend whose wife's quarter century drug habbit stressed him out one time too many. The last eviction pushed was the last blow. He poured his own money getting her private rehab visits before and after insurance and government paid visits. He had to sell houseS and personal property to pay for not only his draining wife but their son. His motivation was the son. That kept him going and that's why he basically carried her through a quarter century of life. He got the son through college and a first job/apt.

There is currently an estate fight due to the resentment towards the drug addicted wife. No peace yet.

Find motivation with or for the mother, grandparents, friends, neighbors and/or pets. Help and support your son but do not let him drag down an entire family or two.

oceanlady1958

we have all been there. it seems to be an ongoing struggle to keep my sanity. one day i am angry at my son the next i just feel pity and then angry at my son for creating this living hell, he begs for figiveness from his jail cell promising me after 13 arrests in 6 years that he 's got this - he woke up. i can forgive him for the abusive behavior while actively using but how can i ever trust again. at 24 he wants to come home back from a year spent in jail and every time he talks abt it i start to furture trip. the what ifs come back, the sheer terror of the day to day chaose that i will expect. even when he is clean for those short periods he always goes right back. he never gets it and i know from reading here that some addicts never get it, drugs win out above love and family. just so hard to turn him away whenhe gets out. his intentions always seem good but it just never lasts. setting boundaries never worked but how can i not allow him back when i know he has no car and no job and no skills. it breaks my heart. i couldn't s;leep at night when i new he was using, now that he is incarerated i at least know he is safe .
i know you all have the strength to do the right things to protect yourselves, why do i struggle with this concept of detaching . i know i have done everything possible to help him on the right path in the past, so what will change, does a year in jail mean anything if the addict doesn't learn his triggers . there is no rehab in his facility to i wonder how the learn the coping skills they need . i had a breakdown and was hospitalized already, i know i can't deal with it again, but the alternatives will also bring on the anxiety. attending Naranon meetings help but they are so far along in their recoveries, i feel so distraught all the time. when does it end. yes zozo, i know i am letting him make the emotional withdrawls from me, and i need to close the acct. sooooo hard for a mom, it is his birthday this week and i couldn't even find the words to send him the appropriate card. is there such a thing? I wrote from my heart what i wanted to say but i think it falls on deaf ears. i know what i need to do, i read all of your wonderful posts everyday hoping for some clarity. i have it in my head but it gets lost in my heart. just sharing some feelings , just feeling so sad today.