Helping Megan
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: State with the most bipolar weather ever.
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Ann 
Sam, my son is my addicted loved one, missing for over 10 years lost in his addiction somewhere. When people used to ask me how he was doing, I had one answer and it was "he's doing the best he can". He WAS doing the best he could, even if it was not very good. But when people hear that answer over and over, they get the message and stop asking. How's my son doing? "He's doing the best he can."
Today, when people say do you know where he is? (a touchy question for me unless it is someone from recovery that understands it all, like here at SR). When people ask me if I know where he is, I answer "No, but he knows where he is and that's what's important." It stops them from asking more.
Sometimes we just have to think of answers that will end or redirect the conversation politely.
What helped me find my balance through all this was CoDA, (Codependents Anonymous) a fellowship similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon and like them, the meetings are about us and finding how we can live in a healthy happy way, no matter how our addicted loved ones are doing.
Others here have found courage and strength through SMART recovery and various family groups, like Craft, as previously mentioned.
Some find it through reading recovery books or counseling or church, it' a personal choice we each have to make and there is no right or wrong, any one of them, or several combined will help us get better balanced.
There is some good reading on the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Some open to more links inside (there is only so much room at the top so we try to group as much as possible). I think you may find some helpful information there too.
I am so sorry you are going through all this and hope that you will find comfort and support here.
Hugs
Today, when people say do you know where he is? (a touchy question for me unless it is someone from recovery that understands it all, like here at SR). When people ask me if I know where he is, I answer "No, but he knows where he is and that's what's important." It stops them from asking more.
Sometimes we just have to think of answers that will end or redirect the conversation politely.
What helped me find my balance through all this was CoDA, (Codependents Anonymous) a fellowship similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon and like them, the meetings are about us and finding how we can live in a healthy happy way, no matter how our addicted loved ones are doing.
Others here have found courage and strength through SMART recovery and various family groups, like Craft, as previously mentioned.
Some find it through reading recovery books or counseling or church, it' a personal choice we each have to make and there is no right or wrong, any one of them, or several combined will help us get better balanced.
There is some good reading on the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Some open to more links inside (there is only so much room at the top so we try to group as much as possible). I think you may find some helpful information there too.
I am so sorry you are going through all this and hope that you will find comfort and support here.
Hugs
I am sorry to hear you've been away from your son. I know it must be hard and you must miss him a lot. Seeing my mother struggle through this is one of the hardest parts. We used to have a big not always happy but happy enough family. It consisted of my mother, sister, step father, and two step brothers (very close in age to us girls) so we were close growing up. My sister, mother, and I have a special bond from surviving a brutally violent few years with my biological parent. He almost killed my mother in front of us when she tried to leave with us. I used to steal food for Megan, take beatings for her...and now she's throwing her life away and allowing someone to put their hands on her violently. It's killing my mom. But she, like I am becoming colder and colder to the situation and separating ourselves more and more with every incident that happens.
We need to let her do what she's going to do and hopefully one day when I say she's doing as best as she can she'll be doing great.
Again, thank you so much for your heartfelt response. <3
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm sorry for what you have all been through, I have volunteered at a women's shelter and know how awful abuse can be, and I am glad you are out of it today.
The CoDA meetings I went to, and I went to Al-anon as well, taught me to work a 12 step plan that changed my life so much I cannot express it. It still helps me today, as I work through any issues in my life. Part of this process is (safely and with guidance) addressing issues from your past. It's a very healing process and allowed me to let go of so much pain and resentment and damage and move ahead with my life.
Today I say a prayer each morning and give the care of my son to God, then spend my day embracing the beauty and joy and peace, and leave the rest between God and my son. My program taught me to do that and it literally saved my life.
Whatever you choose, however you want to do your recovery, the most important thing is to take care of you and heal from the past. That will help you with whatever you face ahead, I promise.
Hugs
The CoDA meetings I went to, and I went to Al-anon as well, taught me to work a 12 step plan that changed my life so much I cannot express it. It still helps me today, as I work through any issues in my life. Part of this process is (safely and with guidance) addressing issues from your past. It's a very healing process and allowed me to let go of so much pain and resentment and damage and move ahead with my life.
Today I say a prayer each morning and give the care of my son to God, then spend my day embracing the beauty and joy and peace, and leave the rest between God and my son. My program taught me to do that and it literally saved my life.
Whatever you choose, however you want to do your recovery, the most important thing is to take care of you and heal from the past. That will help you with whatever you face ahead, I promise.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board...
The title of your post, "Helping Megan", is interesting. Because whether you know it or not, helping Megan isn't possible.
You're in the process of getting a college education, and you sound like a smart kid. It's time for you to be smart emotionally, and that isn't easy. See, when someone we love is self-destructing in front of us, the first inclination is to help that person. But I can tell you right now that Megan is not interested in your help. What she is interested in, and cares above exclusively, is obtaining and using drugs. And she will lie, steal, cheat, and use people in order to obtain and use drugs. You know this to be true because you've already seen this in action.
Until that changes, Megan will be lost to you and to others who care about her.
We're all here to help you. There are great resources on this board for you to tap into. Right now, keeping an open mind is crucial if you're going to get through this ordeal. The goal is for you to get through this even if Megan continues to use drugs.
I strongly encourage you to find a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting and go with your ears and eyes open. Read as many posts as you can stomach.
We're in your corner. Never forget that.
ZoSo
The title of your post, "Helping Megan", is interesting. Because whether you know it or not, helping Megan isn't possible.
You're in the process of getting a college education, and you sound like a smart kid. It's time for you to be smart emotionally, and that isn't easy. See, when someone we love is self-destructing in front of us, the first inclination is to help that person. But I can tell you right now that Megan is not interested in your help. What she is interested in, and cares above exclusively, is obtaining and using drugs. And she will lie, steal, cheat, and use people in order to obtain and use drugs. You know this to be true because you've already seen this in action.
Until that changes, Megan will be lost to you and to others who care about her.
We're all here to help you. There are great resources on this board for you to tap into. Right now, keeping an open mind is crucial if you're going to get through this ordeal. The goal is for you to get through this even if Megan continues to use drugs.
I strongly encourage you to find a local Al Anon and/or Nar Anon meeting and go with your ears and eyes open. Read as many posts as you can stomach.
We're in your corner. Never forget that.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Savingmegan,
I believe that you are helping Megan, in the most important way of all- by loving this dear boy. He is beautiful, and he is being loved, held, tucked in at night. He is being kept safe and he will grow up having known pure love. And to me, if there is one thing in this world that I would want help with, if I were an addict, would be to keep my child safe and to love him.
I hope she comes to her senses in time to be the one loving him and tucking him in at night. I will be praying for her and all of you.
I believe that you are helping Megan, in the most important way of all- by loving this dear boy. He is beautiful, and he is being loved, held, tucked in at night. He is being kept safe and he will grow up having known pure love. And to me, if there is one thing in this world that I would want help with, if I were an addict, would be to keep my child safe and to love him.
I hope she comes to her senses in time to be the one loving him and tucking him in at night. I will be praying for her and all of you.
Last edited by Ann; 05-23-2014 at 06:51 AM. Reason: edited child's name
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Sam,
Welcome to the board. Here is the link to AlAnon meetings in Vermont (and surrounding areas). I believe there are meetings in your county?? and there is a meeting on Saturday mornings.
http://www.vermontalanonalateen.org/...ings/?order=AS
Welcome to the board. Here is the link to AlAnon meetings in Vermont (and surrounding areas). I believe there are meetings in your county?? and there is a meeting on Saturday mornings.
http://www.vermontalanonalateen.org/...ings/?order=AS
Last edited by Ann; 05-23-2014 at 06:51 AM. Reason: edited to remove county
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by savingmegan
I definately need the counseling then because I can't see her as a whole person then look into those cold dead eyes and want to scream because she has no sense of what's happening. When I think of her as a whole person I have to reach way back into my memories from pre 2009 before I left town for awhile to attend college. It was during this time she met the guy that helped to change everything in her life for the worse. Yes, she is an adult and she makes and carries out her own decisions but someone definately had an impact on the person my sister used to be. Her baby's father. So Carter not only doesn't have his mom, he doesn't have dad either. My mother and father will be taking those roles. I can't see her as a whole person because right now shes not a whole person. She's broken and she has some serious issues she needs to work through.
It has been like this for so long I don't know how to see her like I did before. I need to let go but that resentment is still there....
If you look at my profile picture, that's her little boy. He's amazing. He's 2 1/2 and he's never going to understand why. We don't understand why. I tuck him in at night for her. That's her job and joy that she's missing out on. She could have such a happy life and I don't understand how that's not worth more than being homeless and beat, and high. Stealing from one friend to the next to support your habit...
Sam
It has been like this for so long I don't know how to see her like I did before. I need to let go but that resentment is still there....
If you look at my profile picture, that's her little boy. He's amazing. He's 2 1/2 and he's never going to understand why. We don't understand why. I tuck him in at night for her. That's her job and joy that she's missing out on. She could have such a happy life and I don't understand how that's not worth more than being homeless and beat, and high. Stealing from one friend to the next to support your habit...
Sam
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: State with the most bipolar weather ever.
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by BlueChair
She's beautiful and has the sweetest smile. Your right Sam shes missing out on everything with her daughter and it makes no sense. Addiction takes it all away and brings so much pain. I dont know if you have done any reading on how drugs alter the brain chemistry but this might help. It all feels personal towards us, and impossible. But a drug addicts brain is not functioning anything like ours when they are trapped in a cycle of ups and downs. Bless you and your parents for taking such good care of her daughter. She looks happy and I think caring for her is the best gift you can give to your sister right now.
Caring for him is the important thing and my education.
Last edited by Ann; 05-23-2014 at 06:40 AM.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
HI Sam and welcome to SR. So sorry for all you are having to go through with your sister. It sounds like you both along with your mom had a pretty tough childhood. Many addicts have some kind of trauma (although as far as I know my son did not) that leads them down this path to take away their pain, emotional or physical.
I started out by reading Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. Many here who have said you cannot help her are correct. She has to want to help herself and only then are we able to help by being supportive emotionally. I can imagine the emotional toll this has taken on the family.
I live in New England and my boss just last week attended a seminar in VT dealing with how healthcare is going to be able to deal with drug addiction. VT has the highest rate of addiction. There has got to be help for you there and meetings but yes, you have to investigate some on your own. Cynicalone has provided you with a link to the meetings for al anon. I HIGHLY recommend this for you and your family. Getting support and understanding is so very important. I hope you can make it to a meeting to hear some stories and see what others are going through and doing to keep their own sanity in dealing with the drug addict in their life. Number one is you have got to start taking care of YOU and you will learn how not to enable. I wish you the best and hope you continue to come back and let us know how you are doing. I pray your sister comes to a point where she wants to get clean and will seek help.
I started out by reading Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. Many here who have said you cannot help her are correct. She has to want to help herself and only then are we able to help by being supportive emotionally. I can imagine the emotional toll this has taken on the family.
I live in New England and my boss just last week attended a seminar in VT dealing with how healthcare is going to be able to deal with drug addiction. VT has the highest rate of addiction. There has got to be help for you there and meetings but yes, you have to investigate some on your own. Cynicalone has provided you with a link to the meetings for al anon. I HIGHLY recommend this for you and your family. Getting support and understanding is so very important. I hope you can make it to a meeting to hear some stories and see what others are going through and doing to keep their own sanity in dealing with the drug addict in their life. Number one is you have got to start taking care of YOU and you will learn how not to enable. I wish you the best and hope you continue to come back and let us know how you are doing. I pray your sister comes to a point where she wants to get clean and will seek help.
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