savingmegan

Hey everyone,

Im new to the forum so ill jump right in. My name is Sam and im a criminal justice student.

My 22 yr old sister (i call her my baby sister even though im 23) is very addicted to drugs. Anything will do but heroin and coke seem to be what she uses most. Its been like this for years now. Since she started using shes lost her son, contracted hep-c, and doesnt take care of it.

Its recently come to light that she and a friend most likely stole over 1500.00 from a friend who allowed her to stay there. We got in a big fight tonight and i called her terrible things. The teo years of pent up anger, hurt, and frustration blew out of me all at once and i said terrible things to her, while she listened seemingly unaffected and emotionless. Shes been arrested twice and is on probation in NH which she is constantly violating. Im said the most caring and hurtful things to her in hopes it will give her that whatever she needs to want to be clean but it has no affect. I cant do anything to help.

I have recently decided not to help her with rides as she disrespected me by popping pills in front of me in my car. I had to kick her out with a dead phone and no one. And I cried as i drove away. Turns out she got picked up that night by the police. The next day she couldnt remember why she was arrested. Ive cried myself to sleep the last two or three nights in a row and at this point i cant stand it anymore. I dont see anything left of the girl i did five years ago in highschool. I dont recognize anything about her as my sister.

I just need some help someone please. I dont know what to do anymore and im absolutely desperate for answers, advice, anything. My heart is breaking.

Sincerely,

Sam A.

Chino

You don't mention your parents and that leads me to believe they've had enough. Your sister could probably be involuntarily committed for a few days, or you could call her p.o. and attempt to turn her in, get her off the street for a while.

Help for you is available too. Please consider using your school's counseling services, or finding an Alanon/Naranon meeting, or Celebrate Recovery.... something. You're not alone and neither is your sister.

Lara

Oh Sam. All I can say is welcome to SR. There are far wiser members than me who will start to reply to you. But what I can say right now - is as devastating it is for you - you have to start to detach from your sister. Remove yourself from the darkness and despair. Stop assisting her. Stop exposing yourself to any situation which will just end up hurting you (like giving her lifts; letting her sleep over etc etc). There are many facilities available to her - free or not - like a local church; school etc. Perhaps research the situation - or speak to your family doctor - give your sister all the information - and then walk away. I know this is the hardest thing imagineable. But hand it over to her. She is big enough - and knows the choices she is making - to decide to get help - or decide to continue using. Either way - these decisions are hers, and hers alone. All the love in the world from you - won't help a dam thing - I am so sorry to give you this negative information - but this is the desperate truth of addiction. What is important is you help yourself. Take care of yourself. You sound like a wonderful, loving human being - and keep posting here on SR. It will help you so so much. The support here is brilliant. Perhaps too you could see a counsellor for support? Are you financially independent? Where are your parents? Any other family members?

chicory

Hi Sam, and welcome to SR.

There is a lot of support for you, for the things you are going through. You can read the stickies and get an idea of what you are dealing with.
the Three C's are... you did not cause it, you cannot control it ,and you cannot cure it. I am sure that you are spending a lot of time trying to find ways to help.

Many of us have said terrible things out of desperation and fear and anger, to our addicted loved ones. She knows she is loved... and perhaps you could give her a list of places she could get help. she may not want it, but when she is ready, she may remember.

I am so sorry, this is so hard for you. I know you are afraid for her. She needs a big wake up call, and I hope she does get one soon, and finds recovery.

all you can do is take care of yourself, during this stressful time, and not enable her using.

stick around. you will hear a lot of good experience and lots of caring.

my best to you. and your dear sister.

Ann

That's the cold hard truth and it hurts all of us to discover it. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Sadly, she will need to find her own way. The best support you can give her is to just be there when she is ready to reach out for sobriety. Maybe have a list of meetings or rehabs or detox's handy and let her know that you love her and will be there for her when she is there for herself, first. And then let go.

My prayers go out for both of you, it's a hard road to walk but here, we walk it together.

Hugs

savingmegan

Chino,

Thanks for the advice. My parents well, my dad has been disappointed one too many times. Also, my parents, who are in their forties now take care of her 2 1/2 yr old son. Its much harder for my mother but shes becoming disattached as well. To save ourselves. Without making ourselves cold wed cry ourselves to sleep every night.

Unfortunately, my school does not offer any counseling. I attend a community college.

Sam

savingmegan

I am financially independant to a point i work 34 hrs a wk. Both of my parents work hard and live paycheck to paycheck like me. I live with them. Housing is too expensive and after bills i barley have enough for food for the ween. They are done at this point. Megan owes them Money for two vehicles one she treaded in before paying off, and the second she totalled. And Unfortunately my medicaid has a yearly limit that is laughable. I wouldnt be able yo afford weekly counseling...though it would help...

Thanks for your advice. Its not negative youre being honest and i appreciate that since everyone in my life except for my parents have lied to me about everything lately.

Sam

savingmegan

Thank you for your Kind words,

The three cs, hearing it made me cry. I know those things are true

But the thing is she seems numb. I honestly think at this point she thinks i hate her. She thinks shes lost me and she hasnt. I just cant stand seeing her so messed up that i cant recognize her. Half the time she doesnt even seem to know whats going on. Idk what happened to her and why she cant face her demons but it makes me so dosappointed to see her continue to make bad decisions. Shes sick and doesnt take care of it. Shes been a bad mom so far and doesnt realize shes going to lose him for good. And hes the most wonderful little Boy ever! Shes been to rehab and done some counseling. Everytime she gets put though she goes right back to hanging and doing drugs with the same people. Despite the probation, despite all her charges, despite her son, and her family. I just amscared to see what her rock bottom is bc im unsure as to whether shell be able to crawl out. Im, at this point, waiting for her to go to jail or waiting for her to end up hurt or dead somewhere and that harsh truth is too much to handle.

Sam

savingmegan

Thank you. Thank all of you guys. There are a lot of people impacted by addiction in the area. Its getting so bad in VT. But i cant find anyone with someone as Extreme Into it as megan. Shes become the local badegg. And no one wants her around and i bet she feels so lonely and sad. But were sisters i get lonely too thats what were supposed to be here for.

I appreciate the support and advice. I dont feel as alone anymore. I really appreciate everyone whos commented honestly and with their hearts and experiences i know its hard for you guys as well as me. If anyone would like to chat more or share their experiences or learn more about me and me you let me know or message me.

Id like to offer my shoulder to cry or lean on if youre not a crier like u all have me.

Sam

savingmegan

A couple of other things Bother me maybe you guys could give some good advice on. Bc its such a Small town everyone knows everything, and its not like megan tries to Keep her brhavior on the low. I work as a cashier and customers are always asking me about her how she is, before even recognizing that i need to be asked sometimes too. It infuriates and upsets me at work bc my answer is usually i dont know how shes doing. Bc i never do...it upsets me while im working bc i Start to think about her. How should i politly but sternly let people know its not a topic i wish to discuss. If i am rude le They take it as rude i could get penalized at work.

My friends are running out of things to say and i can feel it.

Sam

Txhelp

You caring comes through on your post....so sorry your family is going through this..

You are right nothing helps. As the other posters have said in a nutshell there isn't anything for us to do. They have to come to their own conclusions.

As far as your customers...just tell them "I am not sure" or "I am praying for her." Just think of a canned answer that you can tell them all.

Google a "Alanon/Naranon meeting, or Celebrate Recovery" as Chino said. They are extremely supportive and have gone through things like your family....I pray there is one nearby for you. If not come to SR and keep posting and reading books "Codependent No More" is by Melody Beattie-real helpful to most of us!

hopeful4

So so sorry.

Alanon/Naranon/CR...all of those are free also just to mention! I attend CR, I credit it for getting me through one of the hardest times of my life. Wonderful people, wonderful program.

XXX

CaringScared

I feel for you so much. If you didn't have a caring heart you wouldn't be hurting like this. Take good care of yourself. Hugs

Tinks65

((Sam)), big hugs to you Sam. You have been given a lot of wisdom here so far. Keep coming and posting. If you can't find a good NarAnon or Alanon group near by you can find one online. One thing I will add to all that is said is this quote I came across years ago

Men may spurn our appeals, reject our message, oppose our arguments, despise our persons - but they are helpless against our prayers.
Sidlow Baxter

NarAnon is ripe with slogans that at times may seem trite to some but they pack all kinds of power for those of us who are walking in the shadow of addiction

Let go and let God .... letting go is often the kindest and wisest thing we can do, as hard as it is.

savingmegan

Thank you for suggesting the book. I do enjoy reading so hopefully one day I will get a copy to read. I however doubt there is an Alanon/Naranon meeting close by to me. Where I live in Vermont...theres nothing here. Nothing to do, and that's why it's been hard for her to get out of the drug scene. It's always the same people around. She'd never be able to get a job around here...she'd have to leave..I should leave. This area is very...limited in many aspects.

Both of your responses to aforementioned customers are great suggestions. Now, to control my emotional responses whenever someone brings her up! I
m glad you can all tell I care because she thinks that I hate her. And sometimes I do, but she's my sister. I could never not love her.

Once again thanks for everything.

Sam

savingmegan

Thank you so much. *Hugs

savingmegan

Talking to you all has already helped so much. I should definately find a support group or something like that around here. Maybe, when I go back to CCV in the fall to take my last course I can intern somewhere where maybe I can help provide that for more family members in the community. A lot of people are addicts and their families hurt and I feel there is more support for addicts than their is their families in some cases.

BlueChair

Hi,

Im sorry about your sister. You and your family have been through some awful things because of her addiction. I understand when you say the sister you knew is gone. I will never forget looking into my husbands eyes when he was in active use and SO SICK. His eyes which were once full of sparkle and life were cold and dead. I think about what he saw through those eyes at the time and it breaks my heart.

No one mentioned to you the Community Reinforcement and Family Training Program. Its called CRAFT. I would look into this for yourself and your family. Its an approach where there are 3 goals. The first is to take care of yourself, the second is to work on communication and use techniques that work to help people voluntarily accept treatment, and the last part is to support their recovery and maintain your quality of life. Its a program based on CBT techniques, positive motivations along with allowing people to face the normal negative consequences of drug addiction.

There are online meetings for family members over at the Smart recovery website for free. Or you can get books, read about it online. Im liking it !

One thing my counselor told me at the start of this with my husband is to always see him as a whole person. Dont start seeing him as only an addiction because maybe I couldnt see him but he's still in there. Dont let any of the people who come by at work make you feel bad about your sis. Keep it simple.

savingmegan

I definately need the counseling then because I can't see her as a whole person then look into those cold dead eyes and want to scream because she has no sense of what's happening. When I think of her as a whole person I have to reach way back into my memories from pre 2009 before I left town for awhile to attend college. It was during this time she met the guy that helped to change everything in her life for the worse. Yes, she is an adult and she makes and carries out her own decisions but someone definately had an impact on the person my sister used to be. Her baby's father. So this dear child not only doesn't have his mom, he doesn't have dad either. My mother and father will be taking those roles. I can't see her as a whole person because right now shes not a whole person. She's broken and she has some serious issues she needs to work through.

It has been like this for so long I don't know how to see her like I did before. I need to let go but that resentment is still there....

If you look at my profile picture, that's her little boy. He's amazing. He's 2 1/2 and he's never going to understand why. We don't understand why. I tuck him in at night for her. That's her job and joy that she's missing out on. She could have such a happy life and I don't understand how that's not worth more than being homeless and beat, and high. Stealing from one friend to the next to support your habit...

Sam

Ann

Sam, my son is my addicted loved one, missing for over 10 years lost in his addiction somewhere. When people used to ask me how he was doing, I had one answer and it was "he's doing the best he can". He WAS doing the best he could, even if it was not very good. But when people hear that answer over and over, they get the message and stop asking. How's my son doing? "He's doing the best he can."

Today, when people say do you know where he is? (a touchy question for me unless it is someone from recovery that understands it all, like here at SR). When people ask me if I know where he is, I answer "No, but he knows where he is and that's what's important." It stops them from asking more.

Sometimes we just have to think of answers that will end or redirect the conversation politely.

What helped me find my balance through all this was CoDA, (Codependents Anonymous) a fellowship similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon and like them, the meetings are about us and finding how we can live in a healthy happy way, no matter how our addicted loved ones are doing.

Others here have found courage and strength through SMART recovery and various family groups, like Craft, as previously mentioned.

Some find it through reading recovery books or counseling or church, it' a personal choice we each have to make and there is no right or wrong, any one of them, or several combined will help us get better balanced.

There is some good reading on the sticky posts at the top of this forum. Some open to more links inside (there is only so much room at the top so we try to group as much as possible). I think you may find some helpful information there too.

I am so sorry you are going through all this and hope that you will find comfort and support here.

Hugs