mrobinson622

I'm kinda new on here...I posted once and then didn't come back until now. My husband is a pill addict. He started using them while he was at work (long before I met him) and of course loved the high. When his mother died, it was the only way he could cope with her death (preacher's wife, no drugs, no smokes, no alcohol and died of liver cancer at 48). Hubby has bipolar and borderline personality disorder. He was taking between 10-16 a day. our first year of marriage, he hid it really well. He was stealing money from my account (he didn't work because of back and foot problems), he was stealing my hydrocodone, he was lying. It's like the mask of a wonderful person fell off revealing the demon's spawn. When we married I knew he liked them sometimes...I didn't know he was an addict. Over and over this has happened. Over and over the empty promises. Over and over the letdowns. When I did realize what it was, I tried to pretend and tell myself that he would never in a million years do that to me. We had to borrow and sell everything we could to get gas for me to go to work and to put just ramen noodles on the table. He would call his dad and say we needed tires or needed gas or groceries and take the money and buy pills.
We had it out before Christmas. I told him to leave. I have 2 children of my own and I don't want them to see me go through another marriage like with their father (drug addict, verbally abusive). I had never let them see me fight with him, but I couldn't hold it in. And it's been like that with the exception of about a 2 week period. I didn't make him leave, but we started seeing a marriage counselor last week. This counselor is also a mood disorder, BPD, and addiction specialist. I'm hoping it helps. He says he feels like a totally different person when this change occurs. He told me that he wasn't as attracted to me because I had gained so much weight. It's his fault. I'm a stressed/depressed eater. In the past year, I've gained about 30 lbs. He told me that I told him that he should accept who he was and that maybe this is what he was...an inconsiderate ******* who should be alone. He told me that he wanted to privileges of being single with the comfort of being married (to which I told him F*** YOU!).
We got our tax return last week and I pulled out $60 cash for his son for his 14th bday. That money went missing...we had a money order for $150 to send to his dad to put away for our savings (so he couldn't touch it). He told me he was mailing it and went and cashed it out (he's a Jr so they didn't question the name on the money order) and bought pills.
Two weeks ago, he said he was going to his dealers house and got around the block and decided to turn around. I am so grateful that he did that, but he got a friggin ticket for running a stop sign. I am furious that he would go down there knowing that our marriage is on the line. I told him last time there were no more chances. I told him he had to do it for himself and I would support him and do whatever he needs.
The kicker to all this is that he has major foot problems. He is going to have to surgery in a few months. So he actually does need the meds, but abuses them and abuses and uses me.
I am in between a rock and a hard place. How do I set the boundaries I need when he needs them? I have taken mine to work and I will bring home a certain number every day. But, I've done that and he still go get them on the side. Please help me...I am losing my mind. I was an unhappy, bitter, hollow woman when I met him because of my ex-husband being an addict (and over all a$$hole). Now, he's causing me to feel that way again. Trust is a major component of a marriage and I have none. I just don't know what to do...

mrobinson622

Sorry I am all over the place with this thread...I was writing things as they came to me...

KateL

Carry on, that's what it's for xxxxx

Txhelp

I am glad that you are here. It's so overwhelming living with an addict and their behaviors.

I would suggest that you get help for yourself....read self books; read the stickies above; get support via a counselor; Alanon/Narcanon (sp?).

When you say it's his last chance...mean it. Set your boundaries firm.

Protect yourself-separate bank accounts; sort of a Plan B.

It sounds like you are doing all of the work. As long as he is using...your marriage will look like this.....the focus is the drug. It's hard to do marriage counseling with an active addict as his priorities are not the marriage-no matter what they say. Actions do speak louder than words.

Hugs to you...

cleaninLI

Well, welcome back! Sorry for the reason you are here though! It looks like you've had it.....can't say I blame you either! It gets exhausting living with an addict and then throw bi-polar and BPD into the mix and I can certainly see why you've had it! I'm a recovering pill addict myself and boy did I put my family through the ringer. All these things you mention your AH doing like spending all the money, begging his dad for money and using it for pills, telling you he's going to mail the money order but cashes it and spends in on pills I've done myself. It really wouldn't surprise me if he was lying about turning around and not getting pills from his dealer. Did you catch him because of the ticket? Sounds like a lot of BS to me!

You would be surprised at the length an addict would go to get a legit Script. I injured my shoulder at work, went to the doctor to get a script for Percs. I played the shoulder injury card for many, many months after the pain was long gone and my shoulder healed. I even went so far as to contemplate unnessesary surgery. Not saying thats the case with your husband, but you would be surprised just how far an addict will go to obtain his/her DOC.

I really don't have a whole lot of advice for you except I was thinking it might be worth your while to seek out a therapist just for you. Someone who you can talk to and can walk you through some steps you will need to take to detach from your AH because he really doesn't look like he's ready to take his own steps toward recovery. Not saying you must leave him per say, just talking about emotionally distancing yourself....putting up some solid boundaries. I guess one red flag I saw in your post was that you've been down this road before with your exAH. Perhaps therapy can help you to uncover why you find yourself in the same type of relationship as before. You know I say this with kindness. Only, because I believe there is something to reliving past relationships over and over again.......Choosing the same types of partners. Is there any substance abuse or alcoholism in your family of origin? Often times, as children, we are thrown into certain roles when we come from a dysfunctional family. These roles stay with us and can carry on into our adult lives and future relationships.

We do have a BPD thread in our mental health forum. You might find some useful information there. It's extremely difficult being in a relationship with a BPD disordered person. My mom was NPD possibly BPD too and let me tell you it was tough growing up. I've linked the BPD thread if you're interested in viewing/posting.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...er-thread.html

Hang in there and keep reading/posting. There are many, many of us who've been through what you are going through.

Hugs and prayers going out to you!

zoso77

Uh, oh.

A mood disorder coupled with addiction is bad enough. But when you add a character disorder on top of that...well, you're living it now.

The only thing I will say is the following: never, ever make a suggestion to someone with BPD. Because it doesn't matter how good your intentions are, what you say or suggest will never be the right thing.

CleaninLI has provided you a link regarding BPD. I would also check out a couple of books: I Hate You...Don't Leave Me, and Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Please, please keep us post as to how you're doing. As someone who knows, you should buckle up for this ride.

ZoSo

mrobinson622

Well not only does he have a mood disorder...I do too. Along with my oldest son (12 yrs old). So that complicates matters even more. His actions and behaviors aggrevate my bipolar worse which in turns affects my son. Everything at home is so tense all the time. Sometimes I don't even want to go home.
About suggesting to him...he will take the suggestion. It's just what he does with it afterward. He acts so caring and interested. He gets bored SO easy with EVERYTHING. Work, hobbies, everything. When he gets bored is when he gobbles pills like they are pez candies!
CleaninLi...he has actually talked about doing something like what you are saying so he can get them. But his foot is falling apart. His heel is completely out of place, he has no arch, and where the arch is supposed to be, it's like fallen over and pushing upward. Its really weird. I don't doubt he is in real pain. It makes me feel like crap because I have to watch him cry in pain all the time or put myself through emotional hell.
If he didn't turn around and actually got them, I can't tell and I can't do anything about it. I have the only debit card and his name isn't on the account or the card. He has taken it out of my purse before, but I now double check each morning to make sure it is in my purse.
I told him that I was going to call the guy he gets them from and tell him to stop selling to him. I know people that once a wife/g'friend/family member calls them, they won't sell anymore for fear of getting busted. He begged and pleaded with me and says that the dealer will hurt him. I don't know whether to believe him or not on that one either. It's truly sad that I can't trust my own husband.
We have a marriage counseling appointment this evening. The dr spends a lot of time talking to him about his addiction and his past. The dr is also an addiction specialist along with mood disorder specialist. I'm truly hoping that this guy can make sense to him.
Thank you all for your help, support, and prayers!

zoso77

Well, then the importance of your decision making is that much more critical.

You have a vulnerability. So does your son. There is no room for games, or for any sort of chaos. You can't afford it. Nor can your son. There are times when we all have to do things we don't want to do. And it's not out of selfishness, or lack of compassion for people. It's for self-preservation. You and your son come first.

Do what is necessary to protect yourself and your son.

ZoSo

cleaninLI

Yes, I understand your frustration. My husband threatened to do the same thing as you. Tell my dealer to stop selling them to me. He even told me he would have the couple arrested. Call the police on them. He didn't do that because he was afraid I would get in trouble too. I did the same as your husband begged him not to tell. Because you are right, they would have stopped dealing to me....fearful of the law coming down on them. They were not hardened drug dealers just people who had a relative who was very sick with a disease that had a legit script for all kinds off pain meds. She was an old woman who supplemented her income by selling a portion of her monthly meds. I think the majority of so-called "dealers" that sell to pill addicts are those types of people. At least in my area. I do know of some who work in the pharmaceutical industry that steal them and sell them for themselves. Not long ago someone was arrested for doing that sort of thing. I'm certainly not advising you to contact your hubby's dealers though. Just because you do not know the danger you could be putting yourself in you know? Unless you know them personally, like a friend of your husbands or something, I would stay away... just in case. Then you have the problem of hubby finding a new connection. I guess the bottom line is if an addict needs his/her doc they will find a way to get it...regardless.

You mentioned that you and your son also suffer from Bi-polar. That's a tough one to manage isn't it? The last thing you need is the chaos of an addict creating havoc on you and your son's emotions. Have you been able to keep it under control with medications and/or therapy? You mentioned that you and hubby go to a marriage counselor. I think that's a wonderful start. I really do hope that he can help hubby to see he needs recovery. Do you see an individual therapist just for yourself? If so that's good....if not, that might help you. It's my opinion that family members, especially spouses should seek professional help /therapy to help them work through all of those painful emotions and the suffering that living with an active addict causes. In fact, I think too much emphasis is placed on treatment for the addict in the family, but what about you and your son? I think you guys need treatment too. Did you know that most of the spouses and children of alcoholics and addicts suffer from PTSD? That's right. So while hubby looks into treatment options, have him check to see which ones offer family therapy as well.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you remember to take good care of you and your son, first and foremost. Zoso is correct that your 1st responsibility is to you and your son. My counselor in IOP used the oxygen mask scenario. If you are in a plane during an emergency, what do they tell you to do first? Put the oxygen mask on your child or on yourself first? They say to put it on yourself first, because if something happens to you, who will put the mask on your son?
So, you need to make sure you get and stay healthy first so that you can take care of your son. Then, as long as you do not compromise your own mental health and that of your son, you can be there to support hubby, ok?

Healing thoughts and Prayers going out to you and your family.

mrobinson622

You mentioned that you and your son also suffer from Bi-polar. That's a tough one to manage isn't it? The last thing you need is the chaos of an addict creating havoc on you and your son's emotions. Have you been able to keep it under control with medications and/or therapy?

My bipolar is fairly well managed along with my ADHD (keeps getting better huh? We are the family Prozac built! LOL). My son's bipolar and ADHD isn't managed right now. They diagnosed him with ADHD years ago but the meds made him angry and easily agitated. He became almost violent toward other kids. So I took him off of them. The bipolar was only diagnosed as mood disorder. However, I'm bipolar, my mother is bipolar and it's hereditary...he has an appointment with a psychologist next Monday. I am hoping to get him on something that can help him because he has his own set of issues.

My husband and I both are on Lamictal 200mg. Mine is once a day and his is BID. I also take Adderall for my ADHD and Buspar for anxiety. I used to be on Klonopin, but since I have the hydro for my joints, my dr won't let me have them anymore. Buspar does nothing in comparison, but some is better than none. The bipolar med works for me a lot better than it does him. He stays depressive a lot more than I do. We both cycle SUPER quick...sometimes within minutes or even seconds.

I think for a while during our time together I didn't say anything because I didn't want to push him further over the edge. There were times where I was worried I'd come home and find him dead...perhaps accidental OD or on purpose...I never knew. It is really hard dealing with all of this. I feel totally helpless, sometimes useless. It makes me feel like there's no point in life and that it'll never get better. BUT...I know that he counts on me and my kids count on me so I never could do that.

Thanks again for the advice and support!!!