Is it Okay to Visit My XABF (Who used Cocaine) while hes in jail??
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
ok, i guess my point is, at the time when you were PRESENT his using around his children didn't bother you enough to DO anything or otherwise interfere...so why NOW is it an ISSUE? or is it just a thing.....to hold on to?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
i dont know, i guess it did bother me, but at the same time i wasnt sure what to do. my plan was to leave the environment completely and then make a decision. now that i think about it maybe getting involved would just start unnecessary drama
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I guess I have mixed feelings about this. I would say leave it alone, but someone has to advocate for the children and sometimes it is an unlikely person. If I were you I would write a letter to the child's mother letting her know he is using. This will likely pi$$ him off big time, but tough. Children are #1 above his feelings, yours, anyone elses.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
thats what i keep thinking but then i remember he told me he used a long time ago, so im thinking maybe she knows that, they were together for over 10 years. and i wonder if she doesnt want to say anything because she could lose child support that comes from him
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree someone has to advocate for the kids. What is your relationship like with his ex? I’m guessing she is well aware he’s an addict but it’s hard to understand where she stands in all of this. Does she knows he’s using again? Does she even care? Is dropping her kids off a break she needs that badly. Is she an addict?
I also agree with anvilheadII - it didn’t seem to bother you about the kids when you were with him? Didn’t see any posts about that until today. And now that you think about it maybe you don’t want to really get involved.
Hummmm
Do you feel in your heart that the children are in danger if left alone in his care? Do you feel the ex would understand your position now – one that could be, you are no longer in this relationship due to the fact he is using again and since you are no longer present to help with the children while in his care, you worry about them alone with him while he is under the influence.
I also agree with anvilheadII - it didn’t seem to bother you about the kids when you were with him? Didn’t see any posts about that until today. And now that you think about it maybe you don’t want to really get involved.
Hummmm
Do you feel in your heart that the children are in danger if left alone in his care? Do you feel the ex would understand your position now – one that could be, you are no longer in this relationship due to the fact he is using again and since you are no longer present to help with the children while in his care, you worry about them alone with him while he is under the influence.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
im not sure, i mean ive never met the woman before. and maybe i should leave it alone, hes going to jail in a few weeks and neither of us will be dealing with him... atleast for a few months
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Catlady,
This may be the pefect time to leave things alone. What they do with their children is their business.
When my son was having his way I warned him that I would not visit him in jail. He of course just shrugged it off. Then his DUI got him sent to jail for 90 days, and I did not visit once. He didn't need visitors to keep him warm or fed, the county did that. He was there because he had no regard for consequences.
This may be the pefect time to leave things alone. What they do with their children is their business.
When my son was having his way I warned him that I would not visit him in jail. He of course just shrugged it off. Then his DUI got him sent to jail for 90 days, and I did not visit once. He didn't need visitors to keep him warm or fed, the county did that. He was there because he had no regard for consequences.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Don't you like having a peaceful, drama and abuse free life?
If you miss the chaos, abuse and craziness then definitely go visit him (which is basically a way to rekindle things between you two.)
Ps: having a "good faithful" woman visit him in jail when he is down and out is NOT going to change him and make him live up to his potential with the "happily ever after: ending for you two.
If you miss the chaos, abuse and craziness then definitely go visit him (which is basically a way to rekindle things between you two.)
Ps: having a "good faithful" woman visit him in jail when he is down and out is NOT going to change him and make him live up to his potential with the "happily ever after: ending for you two.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You know, she will know he is in jail. If it were my child and his or her father were in jail I would be doing some serious checking to see what is going on when my child was there with him. If she is too concerned she could always contact you.
If you feel the child is in a dangerous situation you could always tip off CPS in the future if needed, you can do so anonymously and then leave it alone.
Good Luck in moving on!
If you feel the child is in a dangerous situation you could always tip off CPS in the future if needed, you can do so anonymously and then leave it alone.
Good Luck in moving on!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
yes and no, like in my best fantasy/dreams ya we would get back together but i know what the reality is. my mind is telling me i cant trust him especially after hes been in jail. and theres a lot that i would need from him and i dont think he would follow through. especially since he would be thrown back into the environment where he had been using and can easily contact those people
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I don't think that a person who has treated you in that way deserves visits in jail.
ones in jail besides visits also enjoy getting mail
maybe you wish to send him a letter every once in a while ?
only you can make this decision
Mountainman
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Originally Posted by catlady14
So this might be a little strange, but my XABF literally had no friend most of them died or lived in other states or had families and he isnt super close to his family, his parents live across the country, so while living with him it often felt like i was the only true friend or "family" he had. Well within the next few weeks, he'll be going to jail and part of me wonders whether I should visit him on his birthday or even at all? But then I think about the fact that he was mean and said hurtful things while using, and i know hes still using, but i dont know. I recently left him because he kicked me out without warning, but i still have very strong feelings for him right now... any advice?
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