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Is it Okay to Visit My XABF (Who used Cocaine) while hes in jail??



Is it Okay to Visit My XABF (Who used Cocaine) while hes in jail??

Old 01-23-2014, 04:05 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I'm not trying to be heartless, but if I were you, I'd run for the hills while I had the chance. Many times while dealing with my own child that I love more than my own life, I thought that I wished I could just run far away & never look back. You can really do that !!! Be wise & really think about it !!! Go to the meetings & listen & learn. I'm sorry that it's like this with an addict, but it just is. You're asking for a world of hurt if you do stick around even though he's trying his best to push you away. I know that you may think you love him, but the person that you are dealing with is Not the real him, as long as he is under the influence. It's a nightmare way to live, so why would you choose it for yourself when you have an opportunity to be free & maybe meet someone later that will treat you well & love you like you deserve? I can't even fathom that after all that I've been through with my own child for the last 20 years. Just my humble opinion. I'm sorry.
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Old 01-23-2014, 05:01 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Every drug addict I have ever known WANTS to get sober... but chooses not to. Especially in jail.... then one day out is using again.
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Old 01-23-2014, 09:10 PM
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thank you nina! you didnt come off as harsh at all and put things in perspective (:
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Old 01-24-2014, 06:33 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Hes’ over there on that side of street living the life he chooses. He has a lifelong history of drug/alcohol abuse, his addiction to him has become like a nature part of his life, just like breathing. He is facing jail time due to his choices, if he’s lucky he’ll detox in jail and count down the days until he can use again. And continue on with his life in the custom to which he is most familiar.

Then there you are on your side of the street, frozen in time just waiting to see what will happen across the street.

Part of the grieving process is bargaining. We tell ourselves all kinds of things in order to stop our pain. We think things like:

He’s going to sober up and realize what he lost, than he’ll want me back.

He’s going to sober up and realize how good I was in his life, than he’ll want me back.

He has no one except me so when he sobers up, he’s going to want me back.

There is always a theme to our thinking where we get that fairytale ending……..but that is never reality.

The reality is you fell in love with an active alcoholic/addict and you have no idea who he is sober because he hasn’t been the entire time you have been together. See, alcohol soaks the brain so on those rare days when they have not consumed any, they are still very much operating with a alcohol soaked brain and the addiction is still driving their train.

So I think you nailed it when you said, YOUR expectations are high………………..

How about putting those expectations on you and your life! What’s the next chapter in your life going to look like?
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Old 01-24-2014, 06:41 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Thats awesome! If i have high expectations of what i want from him sober the expectations of myself should be just as great if not greater, especially since i did fall in love with an addict, what does that say about me or mean for me now?
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:06 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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since i did fall in love with an addict, what does that say about me or mean for me now?
It means that there is a part of your life you need to heal. A part of your life you need to discover (codependency) and a part of your life that needs to learn about and understand red flags with other people and getting on healthier grounds.
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:19 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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what exactly is codependency, is it feeling like you rely on your addict?
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Old 01-24-2014, 08:47 AM
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Basically it’s caring for others before yourself. It’s allowing someone else’s behaviors to affect you and obsessing about trying to change, fix and control that person and their behaviors. It’s about not being able to be alone with yourself. It’s about wanting to be needed, a people pleaser doing things for others they should be doing for themselves.

Look it up on the internet, read some books and get familiar with it.
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Old 01-24-2014, 09:19 PM
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I would say....treat him like you would anyone that treated you like a piece of crude.

He doesn't seem like he offers you anything but his potential. That may never come into play. Work with what you see today and ask yourself if that what you want....

Plus, he has already made his decision. It's not up to you at this point.
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Old 01-29-2014, 03:52 PM
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So im probably gonna sound like the worlds biggest idiot, but i agreed to meet up with him so i could get my mail and he told me that he got laid off his job (probably fired cuz of the cocaine) but i just feel really bad for him and he talks in a voice that makes me feel even worse for him
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Old 01-29-2014, 05:55 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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But then I think about the fact that he was mean and said hurtful things while using, and i know hes still using, but i dont know. I recently left him because he kicked me out without warning

and you feel SORRY for him why??????
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Old 01-29-2014, 09:16 PM
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i dont knooww!! how do i stop feeling this way?
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Old 01-29-2014, 11:34 PM
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Is he treating you with Respect? Are You treating you with Respect? Just some things that you might want to ask yourself.

I really am sorry that you're struggling & I really don't wish to see you hurt any more than necessary.
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Old 01-30-2014, 05:11 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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no i dont think hes treating me with respect. and i guess im not treaing myself with respect by thinking of ways to keep contact with him
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