The Day I Say Goodbye

Old 12-16-2013, 03:56 AM
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The Day I Say Goodbye

Tomorrow is our 19th wedding anniversary and will soon become the day I finally say goodbye. I held on to my marriage believing that there was something good there - I have a strong Christian faith and I believed in "for better or worse" - only now I see that a loving God would never ask me to continue my life this miserable.

I used to believe that the mean and hateful words of my AH were the drugs talking...only now he's been clean for almost 6 weeks and he is still hateful. I have spent the last 2 weeks in hell. My AH flew to FL a month ago to be with his sick father. The first 3 weeks were the most peaceful weeks of my life. I instantly had an energy I couldn't explain. I was able to spend time with my children without all the drama. We had a great Thanksgiving without him (keep in mind I am the adult child of an alcoholic - so I had other family drama) but we shopped and had a good weekend. I then had to fly from PA to St Louis for 4 days for work. My mom kept my kids (15 & 13 so they aren't too hard to handle), while in St Louis, my AH continually called wanting me to come to FL as his family had all returned home and they were making the decision to take his dad off a ventilator. He even went as far as to call my mom and ask her to continue watching the kids.

I ended up flying home late Thurs eve, working Friday, and heading out Fri night to FL. When I arrived at the hospital the removed the ventilator. My father in law was amazing. He sat right up, asked for a cup of coffee, and we chatted with him until 3am. We returned to his house for a few hours and Sat we were blessed to have breakfast with him. We made phone calls to all the family so he could talk and by late Sat afternoon he was in a coma. He passed on Sun afternoon. I still feel blessed to share that time with him. That was the day my AH slipped into a dark place. I spent 2 days packing up the house on my own - AH slept. We departed Tues eve after much arguments and drove 17 hours straight to return to PA. I gat a few hours sleep - then needed to pick up the kids and return to life. My daughter had a Christmas concert on Thur - AH couldn't get off the sofa to attend. I had to work in Philly on Friday. Met with AH's family on Fri eve to plan services - AH was late, then left early, and I have spent the weekend working on a slideshow memorial, gathering needed items, and oh, did I mention, I haven't even begun Christmas shopping. I had to explain to the kids that we won't be having Christmas this year. Guess what...AH is still sleeping.

So today I will attend the funeral of a man I came to love very dearly. I will smile and thank people and tomorrow I will say goodbye to the man who has made my life a living hell. I deserve to be loved, respected, and appreciated, and I hope to teach my daughters that they deserve it as well. So tomorrow will mark the day I entered hell and the day I left it.

Sorry for the long rant...I really needed to just get that out.
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:03 AM
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Sending you strength today on two fronts. I'm sorry about the loss of your father-in-law. It does sound like you were able to say a proper goodbye and that he was surrounded by love until the moment he passed. How very nice. You've got some big changes coming....New Year, New start. When we begin to put our own needs first it is amazing how empowered we become. Good job.
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:09 AM
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My deepest sympathies of the loss of your father-in-law. I'm so sorry!

You and your children will be in my prayers as you move forward, and your husband, in his darkness, too.
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:10 AM
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Dear Rcutch, What a moving experience, your father in law. Cherish those memories of the last days he woke up and spent them with his family. God does indeed work in many special ways! You have had enough my friend. Your AH can go live at the curb. Sounds like you have been thru a war, been in prison for 19 yrs and now your release date is approaching!
You can still have a Xmas with your girls...minus one man who's addiction has ruined many of them anyway.
You have all of my support, be strong, you will need it for yourself and for those beautiful girls. Take care of your health, sounds like you been flying around the country, with little or no rest.
Take care, have a peaceful Merry Christmas, try to ignore the AH (he WILL be trying to manipulate you!) so sorry this has happened, but welcome out of that he$$, and into this life of normal people who love you! TF
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Old 12-16-2013, 06:39 AM
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Thanks to all - AH has now disappeared - snooping on the phone bill shows me that he has returned to his dealer. I truly wish it was his funeral and not his dad's.
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Old 12-16-2013, 07:20 AM
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Old 12-16-2013, 07:32 AM
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He has left the marriage, so all you can do is let go and begin a new life. This is a very emotional time for you on many levels, so I would try to keep daily life as simple and ordered as possible. The only obligation you have, after the funeral service is completed, is to your children and yourself. It is a time of mourning, a time of reflection. So try to keep stillness and order in your life in the coming several weeks as much as you can. It will help you heal from all this hurt.

When something is destructive to our lives, all we can do is get away. And sometimes the person we must flee from is our spouse. You are facing reality and taking action, which is what mature and reasonable adults do. And your children need that kind of mother.
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Old 12-16-2013, 08:05 AM
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As far as 6 weeks . . . Plan on 6 months before you really see anything like a Return to Sanity. Maybe faster if they are REALLY working the program. Maybe longer if they are not working it so much.

They tend to be bonkers on Drugs, Alcohol, whatever -- they are still bonkers for months when they come off.

But whether you stay or go -- get yourself (and any kids) out of the blast radius from his garbage.
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Old 12-16-2013, 10:00 AM
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I am so sorry. My AH's step father passed away last Nov and his mother on Dec 20th. While we did still have Xmas (we made sure it was all done by Dec 24th) it was very difficult but it provided a much needed time to just be around other people and stay busy. My AH was pretty much zoned out the whole time although he did not sleep, he did get up and attend everything.

Although my AH does not have a dealer, he did drink the whole time and he was on Rx meds the whole time. He stayed pretty quiet and I just wanted to keep him calm so I did not really say anything. Luckily his sister is great and they are close she she really helped so much. I too am the one who helped plan stuff with her, I dont think he was mentally capable of it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Life does have to carry on, but it is hard. I encourage you to find some time for you and your kids to try and have some enjoyment, even if he chooses to stay on the couch.

Gentle Hugs.
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Old 12-16-2013, 12:34 PM
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Most often when one ends a marriage, it is like closing the door on an already empty room.

I know it will still be emotional in many ways, but you and your girls will finally have peace.

Keeping you in my prayers.

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Old 12-16-2013, 04:47 PM
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>>>Sorry for the long rant...I really needed to just get that out<<<

..that wasn't a rant----that was a work of ART !!!!

(it you ARE serious about going on a serious RANT,
you could do worse than careful study of MY SR
material!........ several honorable mentions from
SR editors who KNOW an unhinged out of control
rant when they see one!!)
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Old 12-16-2013, 05:42 PM
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My heart goes out to you and your girls. I am so sorry for the loss of your father-in-law. I hope you can have a peaceful existence now and move on. it is sad what you have had to go through. I wish you the best! Hope you can have some sort of Christmas with your girls.
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