Tomorrow is our 19th wedding anniversary and will soon become the day I finally say goodbye. I held on to my marriage believing that there was something good there - I have a strong Christian faith and I believed in "for better or worse" - only now I see that a loving God would never ask me to continue my life this miserable.
I used to believe that the mean and hateful words of my AH were the drugs talking...only now he's been clean for almost 6 weeks and he is still hateful. I have spent the last 2 weeks in hell. My AH flew to FL a month ago to be with his sick father. The first 3 weeks were the most peaceful weeks of my life. I instantly had an energy I couldn't explain. I was able to spend time with my children without all the drama. We had a great Thanksgiving without him (keep in mind I am the adult child of an alcoholic - so I had other family drama) but we shopped and had a good weekend. I then had to fly from PA to St Louis for 4 days for work. My mom kept my kids (15 & 13 so they aren't too hard to handle), while in St Louis, my AH continually called wanting me to come to FL as his family had all returned home and they were making the decision to take his dad off a ventilator. He even went as far as to call my mom and ask her to continue watching the kids.
I ended up flying home late Thurs eve, working Friday, and heading out Fri night to FL. When I arrived at the hospital the removed the ventilator. My father in law was amazing. He sat right up, asked for a cup of coffee, and we chatted with him until 3am. We returned to his house for a few hours and Sat we were blessed to have breakfast with him. We made phone calls to all the family so he could talk and by late Sat afternoon he was in a coma. He passed on Sun afternoon. I still feel blessed to share that time with him. That was the day my AH slipped into a dark place. I spent 2 days packing up the house on my own - AH slept. We departed Tues eve after much arguments and drove 17 hours straight to return to PA. I gat a few hours sleep - then needed to pick up the kids and return to life. My daughter had a Christmas concert on Thur - AH couldn't get off the sofa to attend. I had to work in Philly on Friday. Met with AH's family on Fri eve to plan services - AH was late, then left early, and I have spent the weekend working on a slideshow memorial, gathering needed items, and oh, did I mention, I haven't even begun Christmas shopping. I had to explain to the kids that we won't be having Christmas this year. Guess what...AH is still sleeping.
So today I will attend the funeral of a man I came to love very dearly. I will smile and thank people and tomorrow I will say goodbye to the man who has made my life a living hell. I deserve to be loved, respected, and appreciated, and I hope to teach my daughters that they deserve it as well. So tomorrow will mark the day I entered hell and the day I left it.
Sorry for the long rant...I really needed to just get that out.
