Do you ever think YOU are the crazy one?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Do you ever think YOU are the crazy one?
Hi everyone. I posted here before about my heroin addicted husband. After his relapse and all of the drama, we decided that he will do outpatient, do meetings, get a sponsor, continue with his job, take his suboxone and basically stay home. I didn't put alot of hopes, but you know, I was happy somewhat the crazyness is over. He seemed normal, going to meetings, getting temp sponsor. Then I get this feeling, like he is LYING. This nagging feeling that something is wrong, it just eats at you and eats at you and eats at you. I feel crazy, because I don't want to accuse him of something that he has not even done, you know?
Monday he goes to work early in the morning. Usually he is back by 8:30, but its 9:30 and he is not home. I call, he says he has to stop by here and there. The FEELING returns. I don't say anything. I drop him off at work on Tuesday and he leaves his phone. Yep, the feeling is back, I check his messages and the junkie heroin looser is writting him, basically like, hey, whats up, are you coming? Coming where? It's 7 freaking am in the morning.
I explode, start checking and find out that that one hour that he was gone on Monday, he went to DC. Yeah, I am sure to a museum or White House
I am crazy, I am accusing him of stuff he didnt do, he is clean, I am insane, he wants a divorce RIGHT NOW. He can't take this anymore.
Am I crazy? Because, honeslty, after all his lies and deception and relapses, I might have lost my mind completelly. I admit. Or is it him and I just don't see anythign anymore? Sorry for the negativity. I cried all night last night, all morning today. And, heck, what can I do, getting my separation agreement together
Monday he goes to work early in the morning. Usually he is back by 8:30, but its 9:30 and he is not home. I call, he says he has to stop by here and there. The FEELING returns. I don't say anything. I drop him off at work on Tuesday and he leaves his phone. Yep, the feeling is back, I check his messages and the junkie heroin looser is writting him, basically like, hey, whats up, are you coming? Coming where? It's 7 freaking am in the morning.
I explode, start checking and find out that that one hour that he was gone on Monday, he went to DC. Yeah, I am sure to a museum or White House
I am crazy, I am accusing him of stuff he didnt do, he is clean, I am insane, he wants a divorce RIGHT NOW. He can't take this anymore.
Am I crazy? Because, honeslty, after all his lies and deception and relapses, I might have lost my mind completelly. I admit. Or is it him and I just don't see anythign anymore? Sorry for the negativity. I cried all night last night, all morning today. And, heck, what can I do, getting my separation agreement together
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
That's where my AXH relapsed, it's easy to score anywhere, but DC is especially easy. You have to trust your gut. A clean person that is serious about recovery goes to meetings, has a sponsor asap, doesn't make you question anything, volunteers to change his cell number so on and so forth. You don't usually feel suspicious unless there's something there that's making you feel that way.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Trust your instincts. I'm so so sorry that he's choosing these drugs over you.
If he was in recovery he would understand your worry, not be upset and not accuse you.
You already know that you can look like your getting help.... but it can be an award winning show to protect the drug of choice. Especially heroin.
Lived it.
If he was in recovery he would understand your worry, not be upset and not accuse you.
You already know that you can look like your getting help.... but it can be an award winning show to protect the drug of choice. Especially heroin.
Lived it.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
My AH is a heroin addict as well. The best piece of advice I have taken away from here is that I NEED to listen to my gut. It has never lied to me, unlike my AH. Yes, I feel crazy all the time. I have been to the point of considering checking myself in somewhere because I can't handle the crazy - but then I pray and focus on what I do know and what I can control - ME!
I always feel like I need my AH to admit it so I can justify that I'm not crazy. That process makes me even more crazy. And boy, can they tell you how crazy you are. So you're AH asked for a divorce - that my friend is manipulation. He is well aware of the love you have for him and will use it against you. I hear it all the time. I wish just one time I had the strength to say sure and give him what he wanted.
Rest assured, you are NOT crazy, you are living WITH crazy. Focus on what you can change and start there. I have never been good at the detachment part - hopefully others will offer some advice. Stay strong and put all the focus on you. Stop searching for what you already know.
I always feel like I need my AH to admit it so I can justify that I'm not crazy. That process makes me even more crazy. And boy, can they tell you how crazy you are. So you're AH asked for a divorce - that my friend is manipulation. He is well aware of the love you have for him and will use it against you. I hear it all the time. I wish just one time I had the strength to say sure and give him what he wanted.
Rest assured, you are NOT crazy, you are living WITH crazy. Focus on what you can change and start there. I have never been good at the detachment part - hopefully others will offer some advice. Stay strong and put all the focus on you. Stop searching for what you already know.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
My AH is a heroin addict as well. The best piece of advice I have taken away from here is that I NEED to listen to my gut. It has never lied to me, unlike my AH. Yes, I feel crazy all the time. I have been to the point of considering checking myself in somewhere because I can't handle the crazy - but then I pray and focus on what I do know and what I can control - ME!
I always feel like I need my AH to admit it so I can justify that I'm not crazy. That process makes me even more crazy. And boy, can they tell you how crazy you are. So you're AH asked for a divorce - that my friend is manipulation. He is well aware of the love you have for him and will use it against you. I hear it all the time. I wish just one time I had the strength to say sure and give him what he wanted.
Rest assured, you are NOT crazy, you are living WITH crazy. Focus on what you can change and start there. I have never been good at the detachment part - hopefully others will offer some advice. Stay strong and put all the focus on you. Stop searching for what you already know.
I always feel like I need my AH to admit it so I can justify that I'm not crazy. That process makes me even more crazy. And boy, can they tell you how crazy you are. So you're AH asked for a divorce - that my friend is manipulation. He is well aware of the love you have for him and will use it against you. I hear it all the time. I wish just one time I had the strength to say sure and give him what he wanted.
Rest assured, you are NOT crazy, you are living WITH crazy. Focus on what you can change and start there. I have never been good at the detachment part - hopefully others will offer some advice. Stay strong and put all the focus on you. Stop searching for what you already know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Trust your instincts. I'm so so sorry that he's choosing these drugs over you.
If he was in recovery he would understand your worry, not be upset and not accuse you.
You already know that you can look like your getting help.... but it can be an award winning show to protect the drug of choice. Especially heroin.
Lived it.
If he was in recovery he would understand your worry, not be upset and not accuse you.
You already know that you can look like your getting help.... but it can be an award winning show to protect the drug of choice. Especially heroin.
Lived it.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Good morning Glitter, Wow! Did Rcutch hit in on the head. So true. I feel or am made to feel crazy ever since I found out that my children were As. The manipulation and lying are Oscar award winning performances! They can nail the story so well. We all need a vacation from this nightmare, it just never let's up for any substantial amount of time. No breaks for the caregivers, the ones who love the addicts. Next time he threatens divorce, call his bluff! Ha! Next time he forgets his phone and you look at it, text the dealer back and tell him/her that your AH is not interested in any Heroin or any drugs they may be selling...bet that would stop that particular dealer from calling anytime soon. Good luck girl, stay strong, hit a Narconon or alanon meeting. Take care of yourself, eat something healthy, fluids, take a nap. Keep posting and reading. Support is here and it's excellent but face to face support is so much easier to get the tears to stop, plus it's someone who realizes what you're going thru. Support and hope and a silent prayer for your sanity are coming your way. Breathe. TF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Good morning Glitter, Wow! Did Rcutch hit in on the head. So true. I feel or am made to feel crazy ever since I found out that my children were As. The manipulation and lying are Oscar award winning performances! They can nail the story so well. We all need a vacation from this nightmare, it just never let's up for any substantial amount of time. No breaks for the caregivers, the ones who love the addicts. Next time he threatens divorce, call his bluff! Ha! Next time he forgets his phone and you look at it, text the dealer back and tell him/her that your AH is not interested in any Heroin or any drugs they may be selling...bet that would stop that particular dealer from calling anytime soon. Good luck girl, stay strong, hit a Narconon or alanon meeting. Take care of yourself, eat something healthy, fluids, take a nap. Keep posting and reading. Support is here and it's excellent but face to face support is so much easier to get the tears to stop, plus it's someone who realizes what you're going thru. Support and hope and a silent prayer for your sanity are coming your way. Breathe. TF
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
My AH has played all the same games. I laugh, because we too have Giant, and he has done the same things. I now have my own bank account and am very careful to protect it. Again, the things I have done to try and stay sane others would call crazy.
My AH had a dealer whom insisted my AH was the "maintenance guy" for her apartment. That is what he did when he was clean and sober. I called her numerous times and asked her why she would need to talk/text her maint guy 20+ times and day and at 2am. I even went so far as to tell her that he has previously been a snitch (which is true) and would sell anyone out to save himself. And guess what, when she went away, another one came around. CRAZY - believing that we can stop them. Is anyone able to stop us for managing their every move?
I live in PA, my AH went to FL this week to visit his dying father. The family is returning today and they do not want to leave him there by himself, so he told me that he will go live on the street to stay there. I am torn between wanting to take care of him and praying that he decides to stay so that I don't have to watch him die.
My AH had a dealer whom insisted my AH was the "maintenance guy" for her apartment. That is what he did when he was clean and sober. I called her numerous times and asked her why she would need to talk/text her maint guy 20+ times and day and at 2am. I even went so far as to tell her that he has previously been a snitch (which is true) and would sell anyone out to save himself. And guess what, when she went away, another one came around. CRAZY - believing that we can stop them. Is anyone able to stop us for managing their every move?
I live in PA, my AH went to FL this week to visit his dying father. The family is returning today and they do not want to leave him there by himself, so he told me that he will go live on the street to stay there. I am torn between wanting to take care of him and praying that he decides to stay so that I don't have to watch him die.
When you mentioned your physical symptoms I can totally relate. My ad is a heroin addict. The lies, manipulation etc takes a toll not only mentally but physically. I have an autoimmune disease and other health problems. Every time is trudge through the hurricane her addiction creates I get more ill afterwards. She just went to jail. I got through the drama and now I'm sick again. There is definitely a mind/body connection and stress wreaks havoc on the body. Trust your gut. Every time it thought something was "up" it was! Be strong! Keep posting everyone here is so supportive and understands.
You are not crazy! Our instincts are right so often. Please don't let your reality be morphed and turned around into being made to feel crazy. It's not your phone a dealer is texting. You are not the addict or the crazy one...remember that.
I hope you seek help for YOU in all of this!
Blessings!
I hope you seek help for YOU in all of this!
Blessings!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
What a twisted world we are dragged into... when heroin is involved.
The lies, belief system, the rationalizations.. all sick and twisted and so far from okay. The more they use... the more stupid and idiotic the stories become.
I would pretend to believe him. I have actually called back the dealers too and said that i'm his wife and I have been sober and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't sell to him anymore. Of course they deny they were selling anything and I continue to just tell them that he is a father and on the verge of being kicked out and going to jail again.
However, I know that calling their dealers is wrong. It doesn't help anything get better. It actually just makes things worse.
Good luck.
The lies, belief system, the rationalizations.. all sick and twisted and so far from okay. The more they use... the more stupid and idiotic the stories become.
I would pretend to believe him. I have actually called back the dealers too and said that i'm his wife and I have been sober and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't sell to him anymore. Of course they deny they were selling anything and I continue to just tell them that he is a father and on the verge of being kicked out and going to jail again.
However, I know that calling their dealers is wrong. It doesn't help anything get better. It actually just makes things worse.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
What a twisted world we are dragged into... when heroin is involved.
The lies, belief system, the rationalizations.. all sick and twisted and so far from okay. The more they use... the more stupid and idiotic the stories become.
I would pretend to believe him. I have actually called back the dealers too and said that i'm his wife and I have been sober and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't sell to him anymore. Of course they deny they were selling anything and I continue to just tell them that he is a father and on the verge of being kicked out and going to jail again.
However, I know that calling their dealers is wrong. It doesn't help anything get better. It actually just makes things worse.
Good luck.
The lies, belief system, the rationalizations.. all sick and twisted and so far from okay. The more they use... the more stupid and idiotic the stories become.
I would pretend to believe him. I have actually called back the dealers too and said that i'm his wife and I have been sober and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't sell to him anymore. Of course they deny they were selling anything and I continue to just tell them that he is a father and on the verge of being kicked out and going to jail again.
However, I know that calling their dealers is wrong. It doesn't help anything get better. It actually just makes things worse.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
What a twisted world we are dragged into... when heroin is involved.
The lies, belief system, the rationalizations.. all sick and twisted and so far from okay. The more they use... the more stupid and idiotic the stories become.
I would pretend to believe him. I have actually called back the dealers too and said that i'm his wife and I have been sober and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't sell to him anymore. Of course they deny they were selling anything and I continue to just tell them that he is a father and on the verge of being kicked out and going to jail again.
However, I know that calling their dealers is wrong. It doesn't help anything get better. It actually just makes things worse.
Good luck.
The lies, belief system, the rationalizations.. all sick and twisted and so far from okay. The more they use... the more stupid and idiotic the stories become.
I would pretend to believe him. I have actually called back the dealers too and said that i'm his wife and I have been sober and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't sell to him anymore. Of course they deny they were selling anything and I continue to just tell them that he is a father and on the verge of being kicked out and going to jail again.
However, I know that calling their dealers is wrong. It doesn't help anything get better. It actually just makes things worse.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Stop the madness. It's up to you to break the cycle. I know it's hard, but once you gain your sanity back you'll wonder why you let it go on for so long. If he's not going to break the cycle and gain sobriety, you have to let go or be dragged!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I have been there. Helping. Making things work. Keeping the peace. Exploding. Crying. Feeling guilty. Keep doing, sacraficing. I did learn... its a cycle and I get nothing out of it but aggravation. We should not care more about them than they care about themselves. We must expect them to love and care for themselves. We cannot save them. They MUST do it themselves.
I have learned this from years in the cycle. I'm ready for positive change ... I demand it. With or without him.
I have learned this from years in the cycle. I'm ready for positive change ... I demand it. With or without him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
I have been there. Helping. Making things work. Keeping the peace. Exploding. Crying. Feeling guilty. Keep doing, sacraficing. I did learn... its a cycle and I get nothing out of it but aggravation. We should not care more about them than they care about themselves. We must expect them to love and care for themselves. We cannot save them. They MUST do it themselves.
I have learned this from years in the cycle. I'm ready for positive change ... I demand it. With or without him.
I have learned this from years in the cycle. I'm ready for positive change ... I demand it. With or without him.
When he leaves I am going to remodel my basement and rent it out (will help alot). I will enter into a bikini competition (I have been training for 2 years ). I will take vacation with my girls - something totally cool and fun. I will set my standards way high and shoot for promotion (something I was not able to get as my head is full of him). I will paint again (I have been stuck with my painting for 2 years - I have no motivation). I wish he was part of my beautiful life, but its not my choice
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