jjj111

Stucco, I like your suggestion a lot. I think I am going to make the call this evening and then send my brother an e-mail explaining to him just what you said, that I would not be able to live with myself if something happened to my niece and I hadn't done everything I could to help, and that I have faith in him to handle whatever happens next.

And glitterdeva, I really appreciate your perspective. With all this resistance from my brother, I need a lot of affirmation that this is the right thing to do! He has called me five times this afternoon. I picked up the first call, but since them I've been ignoring him. I just don't want to hear any more of his lame excuses and denial. I just hope that this will not prevent me from seeing my niece in the future. She lives out of state and we visit a few times a year. I actually have plans to go there for Christmas, including a non-refundable hotel reservation. Not so sure that's going to work out now.

cleaninLI

I know this is a tough call to make! It's unfortunate that your brother chooses to look the other way and protect the perpetrator (his wife) rather than defend the victim (his own child). This is so sad and unfortunately seems to happen too frequently. I'm not sure how CPS does things in your area but in mine they would do the following. Whenever a call is made they go to the home for an initial investigation. They will do a search of the home to make sure there is food in the fridge and pantry, the child has a comfortable living and sleeping environment. Then they will interview the child. Ask the child certain questions about the allegation that has been made. Then they will separately interview the parents in the household. Depending on what the child reveals and how serious the threat they will either remove the child / remove the offending parent or they will refer the parent for either parenting classes or some kind of mental health treatment. If substance abuse is involved they refer the accused person for a drug or alcohol test. If tested positive they will mandate her for treatment. If there are no outward bruises/marks etc on the child, child looks happy and healthy and does not admit to what happened they may find the case unfounded. It usually takes many weeks/months to determine a case founded or unfounded. This will be everyone's word against yours and might be very hard to prove unless your brother, his wife or your niece confirm your allegations or there are outward appearences that the child in question is being abused or neglected. The system and the investigation process placed there is to protect the child as well as anyone who could be falsely accused. It's my humble opinion that you should talk seriously to your brother about seperating his child and getting some treatment for his wife ASAP. I'm afraid that without your brother on board you might have a hard time proving it. Now, if there were other instances of abuse that have been documented or previous calls made it will increase the chances of a case founded and can help them to step in quicker.
I will tell you that the foster care system is not without flaws and can be extremely tramatic to the child if they remove her and place her with strangers. Are you willing to have your niece placed with you in the event that she would need to be removed from the home? If so, you can advocate for that but there is a process you would need to go through.
Good luck to you and I hope that whatever happens it will be for the benefit of your niece.

jjj111

Thanks, CleaninLI, it is really helpful to have some idea of what the process might be. I have told my brother very clearly that I think that his wife needs to move out, but he is not willing to do that right now. I feel certain that contacting CPS is the right thing to do, but I am worried about the same thing you mention, that they will not find any physical evidence, everyone will deny what happened, and the case will be dismissed. My brother told me the other night that a therapist contacted CPS years ago when my SIL told her that she was having thoughts of running her car off the road with my niece in the car, so they do have a history with CPS. I hope at least that it will give my brother a wake up call that the situation is serious, but he has found a lot of ways to excuse my SIL's behavior over the years and may just blame me in the end. I agree that foster care would not be the best thing for her, but I kind of doubt that would be the outcome. I'm pretty certain that if my brother were forced to choose between his wife and daughter, he would choose my niece. I have thought about taking her in if need be, but I would have to think more on that. I travel a lot for work and I'm not sure I could give her the stability she needs.

jjj111

Well, I filed the report. I know it was the right thing to do. I just hope it makes some difference.

suki44883

((((HUGS))))

You did the right thing.

cleaninLI

Congratulations you took a giant step in breaking the abusive, dysfunctional cycle you grew up in! Your brother will have to deal with the consequences of his codependency. You did what you felt in your heart was right. You have done what you could to defend and protect your niece! Whatever happens you did the RIGHT thing! Never second guess your good intention no matter what happens.

needingabreak

Wow JJJ, why would your brother EVER tell his MIL you were going to call? Why even act like he knows? You can make anonymous calls you know. Sheesh! Not that it is the most important thing going on obviously as it is your niece's welfare but couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut and let be what would be? He is causing major stress for everyone involved before anything has even happened. You are absolutely doing the right thing and he is wrong to allow his own wife to be with his daughter alone after what she did. HE is the one being neglectful. Sorry but someone needs to look out for her well being and it doesn't sound like either parent is doing that. She is blessed to have an aunt who cares enough about her to go to bat for her. No matter what, at least you know the mother will not be doing anything knowing she will now be watched and made accountable. Your niece may lie to protect her mother but at least it is being looked into. You are doing the right thing JJJ.

Eve13

JJJ I hope you do call tonight. Calling CPS is anonymous. They don't give details of the incident reported to them, and as they are already known to this agency, they "should" step in quickly. Please don't allow this situation to be used against you by the family. It is the actions against the vulnerable child that result in any consequences. And he is not protecting his daughter - he was warned - therefore they both are committing a crime.

I encourage you not to talk about calling CPS any more with the family. Be the support for your niece. She has already been through far too much. And that needs to be the focus. Good for you for breaking the silence!

jjj111

Thanks, Eve, I did call!

Yes, needingabreak, it does kind of blow my mind that he would tell his MIL! I think he is really more focused on protecting his wife than protecting his daughter. So sad. He is tiptoeing around the whole family. I guess the wife's parents watch my niece and he feels like he needs them, and he has no other friends. Codependency city. But you are right, what he is doing is neglectful, whether he realizes it or not. Now he has to deal with the consequences. I tried to tell him that whatever happens isn't the consequence of me calling CPS, it's the consequence of what's been happening at home, but he is just so lost in the crazy.

needingabreak

Hope lots of good things can come from this JJJ. Your brother wants to keep the peace at home yet he is not helping things by pretending all is ok. This is a very serious issue. I am glad you called and now what happens, happens. You are right, the consequences are because of his wife's actions and his inaction. You are just looking out for your niece. Please keep us posted on what happens. I know it must have been nerve wracking for you but you did the only right thing here. Someone had to!

jjj111

Thanks, needingabreak, this really has been pretty nerve wracking and emotionally exhausting. It just makes me so very frustrated that my niece is in this terrible situation and no one seems motivated to change it. It's also just disturbing to realize how much my brother has been hiding from me and that things have probably been this bad for a long, long time. After he told me about the choking incident, and I told him that what his wife did was basically attempted murder, he actually called me back a little later and told me that he talked to his wife about it and she told him that when she attacked my niece, she wasn't thinking about trying to kill her--as if that made things better!! I wanted to explain the concept of listening to actions and not words, but I feel like I can't be his therapist. I've told him so many times to find a therapist, and he says he will but doesn't. His level of denial and codependency is just mind blowing.

I wrote him last night and told him that I filed the report, mostly because I didn't want him to keep calling me trying to convince me not to do it. I told him that I love him and my niece and am wishing them both peace and happiness. He hasn't written back. I hope that I don't lose touch with my niece over this. I mean, it would be a shame to be out of touch with my brother, but I'm really so appalled by his behavior right now that I'm not too upset by the idea of some time out from dealing with him, but it is too bad about my niece. I have her cell phone number (she has her own phone), so I guess I will try to call her at some point, though I'm not really sure what to say. I kind of want to tell her that someone might come talk to her about what happened and she should be honest with them, but then I'm also worried about making her anxious or getting her upset with me for calling CPS. Also, if my brother stops speaking to me then I won't really know what's going on. CPS called me today to get some details, and they said I wouldn't get much info from them, just a letter that the case was either closed or investigated. Anyway, I'm just praying that things will change for the better for my niece, and that my brother will open his eyes to what a serious situation this is.

Thanks so much to all of you for your kind words! Your support has really helped me!

needingabreak

I understand where your brother is coming from because my father has always done the same. It's easier to live in denial than face the truth. I can understand needing to step back and have a break. CPS will now take over and hopefully get help for your SIL. She has anger issues and needs help dealing with them and your brother needs to see how serious this is. You had a very hard decision to make. No matter how they feel about your phone call, you saved your niece from physical abuse at the very least! You are a very strong and caring person!

Eve13

Any update???

Txhelp

I am sorry for this difficult decision that is in your lap. You are right...get it over with and call anonymously. He will probably know it's you as it's been mentioned.

CPS will investigate. Its in the best interest of the child. Hang in there...

jjj111

Thanks, everyone, the community and support that I've found here means so much to me! I haven't heard anything more since CPS called me to follow up last Friday. I wrote my brother the night I called CPS to tell him that I called, mostly because he had been calling me repeatedly to try to convince me not to call and it was getting exhausting and I wanted him to stop. He hasn't written or called since then. He did send me a smiling picture of my niece with no message attached, so odd! Maybe he was trying to show me that everything is fine and I didn't need to call, or maybe he was genuinely trying to reach out, who knows? I wrote him back and thanked him for sharing the picture, and he didn't reply.

Anyway, I just hope that something good will come of the call. I read a little online about how CPS works in his state, and apparently when they are called and they find reasons for concern, they ask parents to sign something agreeing to take certain measures to keep their children safe. So I'm guessing he must have signed something like that when CPS was called years ago and that was what he was talking about when he said that CPS told him it was his job to keep my niece safe. Maybe that is also the reason he is afraid he could lose my niece, if he wasn't doing what he agreed to do. Of course, he didn't tell me any of this. He mentioned, when he first called me and was so upset after finding out about the choking incident, that CPS came out years ago, but a couple days later when I asked him what exactly happened with them, he said he "can't remember," which I know is BS, just more lies and denial.

Anyway, I was supposed to go see them for Christmas, but I don't know what will happen now. It would be nice to see my niece, and my brother if he isn't angry with me, but I am really so upset with his wife and her family, and I think they are upset with me too. So we'll see. It's hard because my parents are both gone, so my options for Christmas are pretty limited. I guess maybe at some point I will call him and ask him how it's going, not that he will probably be honest with me!

Anyway, I did what I could do, and I don't regret it. Thanks again for your support!