PhotoArtist

As many of you know, my husband is an addict. He checked into a detox facility 7 days ago and is still being observed there. His doctor still hasn't given him a tentative release date and told him today that he is going to keep him there a bit longer because he is still working on the right combination of medications to treat his condition. When my husband told me this I nearly fell out of my chair - I am certain that my suspicions are correct and I know exactly what condition his doctor is referring to - I just can't believe I was so blind to what was right in front of my face, especially since I am a Psychology major with a focus in Abnormal Psychology!

After our horrible family therapy session on Tuesday, my husband told me that his doctor started to treat him with a new medication, Depakote (divalproex sodium). Hmmmmm, that was very interesting. When I called him on Wednesday, I could hardly understand a thing he was saying. I freaked out! I didn't know what was wrong with him. After the most difficult conversation of my life, I learned that my husband had lock-jaw, a side effect of another medication. When I visited him on Wednesday night, I asked his nurse what medication caused the side effect and she told me it was Haloperidol (and yes, she could give me my husband's medical info because he signed a release form). WTF?!? Haloperidol?! Ok, now I am pretty much convinced by suspicions are correct. But what really set the lightbulb off in my head was that after I met with his therapist and talked to two different intake specialists at two different rehab centers, they all asked me the same question, "Has your husband ever been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder?"

My answer was "not that I know of", but then I starting thinking, he DOES have Bipolar tendencies. YES, he does! He has had lots hypomanic episodes since we have been together, but of course I just assumed that the drugs were the cause. And he has had just as many depressive episodes. Most of the time, he is pretty normal, but every so often he goes into overdrive, works nonstop from 7-9, then comes home and cooks dinner, cleans the house, and doesn't sleep. He says he has insomnia. No, that's not insomnia! But again, I thought the drug was the cause. And then every now and then he has no energy at all, no motivation, and just sleeps on the couch for days at a time. Yes, thought the drug was the cause of this too.

I know, I am just making assumptions here, right? Well guess what I learned today from my mother-in-law? My husband's biological aunt (father's sister) and grandmother (father's mother) were both diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder! Why didn't she tell me this sooner? Because I never asked! She assumed the drug abuse was the cause of this behavior just like I had! How could we have been so blind?!?

I talked to my husband tonight, and since I believe that honesty is the best policy, I told him what I had been thinking. I also told him that his aunt and grandmother both have Bipolar II Disorder. He had no idea! His mom left his biological father when he was only 2, so he doesn't know much about him (he was an abusive alcoholic, so his mother chose to protect her children and leave him, he didn't fight for custody or visitation, never saw them again). His "dad" adopted him and his sister when he was only 2, so he has always looked at his adopted father as his only father. He never dug into his past or really wanted to know anything about his biological father or his family. So of course he had no idea that his aunt or grandmother suffered from Bipolar II Disorder!

I told him that it would be a good idea to tell his doctor this new information, especially since he has been treating him with two medications used to treat Bipolar Disorder. What I am thinking is that the doctor has not yet released him because he hasn't made a final diagnosis yet. And I am also thinking that once he learns this new information, it won't be long before he makes his final diagnosis.

Call me crazy, but I am 100% convinced that my husband has Bipolar II Disorder. Finally an answer! A lot of people would be devastated to learn that his/her spouse has Bipolar Disorder, but I am ecstatic! It is treatable, manageable! And now he has an answer to the question, "why do I abuse drugs?". Because he has been self-medicating, trying to treat the Bipolar symptoms! Of course, he is still an addict, so this won't just make his addiction go away. He has to learn how to manage the psychological disorder as well as recover from the addiction. But at least he won't have to keep asking himself "why?" and come up with no answer. I can't imagine being in such emotional pain for so long and not knowing why I felt the way I felt or did the things I did. I can't imagine how horrible this has been for him, everyone assuming that he was just an addict who didn't want to get better.

Wow, this is definitely a lot for me to take in. I'm feeling relieved and guilty. I saw all the symptoms, I just never put it all together. None of us did. Wow is all I can say right now.

jjj111

Photoartist, I'm glad to hear that your husband is getting a thorough psychiatric evaluation! In your last couple posts it has sounded to me like you have been focusing more on him and less on you. How are you doing? Do you feel like you're getting closer to making sure you can keep your serenity no matter how he is doing?

bluebelle

Many addicts are dual diagnosis (mental illness and drug addiction). My mom is also dual diagnosis with bipolar. They may be waiting to diagnosis him until he's been clean for awhile. At this point, it might be hard for them to determine what is causing what.

No matter his diagnosis, it is important what you are doing for your own recovery. How are you taking care of yourself? What are you doing for you? I grew up with an addict, bipolar mother, and have developed codependency behaviors. It has been a lot of work for me to learn that other people's moods do not affect mine. I need to take care of myself and focus on my own recovery. Have you read Codependent No More yet? That book was a real eye-opener for me.

Ann

Many addicts also have disorders such as bipolar or depression. They cannot be properly diagnosed until they are clean, as your husband is. And, once they have an addiction problem it doesn't matter much which came first, both the disorder and the addiction need to be treated.

I am glad he is being assessed and hope his treatment will include both his disorder and his addiction.

Hugs

overit263

My exah is a dual diagnosis as well. My Aunt was bipolar and tried to kill herself many times, and ended up successfully dying while my husband was in rehab, and I didn't see the same behaviors in my exah so I couldn't understand it. He also had childhood trauma which might have lead to the heavier drug use after already been smoking pot. If yours is diagnosed with bipolar or depression, it might help to read up on whatever he's diagnosed with, I wish I had. I knew that mine had cycles, but I had never ever seen the mania in all the years I knew him, until this past year or so. I knew the signs, but I still asked questions and thought for some crazy reason I would get an honest answer, and as I found, that wasn't what was happening. My exah is a very likable person as most are, most of the people he worked with have no clue that he's an addict, and gave him money etc. they also don't think he "looks like someone that would do that". People need to change their perception of what an addict "looks like" that's for sure.

PhotoArtist

Honestly, I'm pretty exhausted, both physically and mentally. I haven't been able to focus over the past few days. when my husband was angry and throw his temper tantrums at the beginning of the week, it was much easier to detach from him. But as he started to improve, it was more difficult for me to remain focused on myself.

I'm really not sure how to focus on myself right now???

PhotoArtist

I feel like I don't have time to do anything for myself right now. I've been distracted over the past few days, and I have gotten really backed up with work. I work two full-time jobs - I am my dad's office manager, and I am a full-time photographer. I have tons of invoices to complete and about 5,000 photos to edit, and to make matters worse my schedule is packed until November 17th with family sessions, holiday mini sessions, 1st birthday photos, events, and so on. I guess I could have said "no" to a few sessions, but I LOVE SHOOTING PHOTOS! It makes me happy. But the post-processing is freakin killing me. I'm exhausted.

And my husband is going to be discharged tomorrow around lunchtime. I know I am supposed to be focusing on myself and my own recovery, but his mother and I had to make phone calls and get him into an inpatient program while he has been at detox. The detox facility said they were working on getting him into a program, but said that they had not received any return calls from the facilities they contacted. My husband agreed to go to inpatient rehab, so someone had to find a place for him to go. They wouldn't allow him to make the calls himself, and staying at home for a few weeks until the detox center found a program is not an option. He can't be here that long. I don't trust him enough to allow him to live here for that long. So I have been running myself ragged trying to work all of this out before he is discharged. I found a great program, but I'm still waiting to see if our medical insurance is going to cover a portion of the cost, so it looks like he is going to be living at home for at least a day or two. If I'm already distracted with him being away from home, I can't imagine how I am going to be tomorrow when he is here.

It's just a very difficult situation for me to be in right now. I can't seem to balance work, home life, and getting him into a program. I can't stop working, and he needs to go to rehab, so the only logical thing to do is cut out personal time. And right now, "me time" would be sleeping. I am just so tired. I feel like a zombie.

And yes, read "Codependent No More" twice, and just started reading it again yesterday, lol. I guess that counts as "me time", right?

allforcnm

I'm happy to hear he is getting a good evaluation, and maybe they have found what I think of as the "root cause" of his addiction. I think a large number of people who use drugs do it to self medicate in one way or another. Sometimes its a medical issue like bipolar, and sometimes it is more of a emotional problem. That's why they say you have to treat the whole person in order to control an addiction. I think its very rare when "the addict just doesn't want to get better"; however sometimes I do think they become so sick mentally they cannot see what is happening to them; they have no sense of self preservation.



Start by remembering you have to have balance in your life. In the beginning when things were unstable with my husbands situation, I had to make a conscious effort to focus on work when I was there, dedicate time just for my son - knowing he deserved my full attention, telling myself it was ok to be good to myself by working out, spending time with family or friends, hobbies. The more balanced I was, the healthier I was emotionally, and that was best for my whole family.

Your family will be in my prayers tonight.

bluebelle

The first few times bf went through recovery, I helped him a lot. I called facilities, did lots of research about addiction recovery. I was really involved in his recovery because it seemed like the answer to everything. If he got clean, all my problems would be fixed. He was the problem. I needed to fix him. I would put my energy into that.

By his 3rd recovery attempt, I pretty much stayed out of it. "You're smart, you'll figure it out." I then went out of town to visit family. You know what? He found a therapist, IOP--all of that on his own.

We are not as enmeshed as we were. I am much better at leaving his recovery to him. I'm working on my own life. What are the demons that keep me from being happy? When I start obsessing about him, I ask myself, what am I ignoring from my own life. You know what? It's helping. I feel like I better understand what I want. I am driven to make my life better. I'm better at speaking up and telling him what I want to do for me. I'm also hanging out with friends more. So, I feel positive about my future.

Take care.

PhotoArtist

BlueBelle,

I had every intention of letting him do all of this on his own. It seems I got sucked right back in, but this time my AH wasn't the one putting pressure on me or asking me for help. I absolutely love my MIL, and she has been very supportive throughout all of this, but from the minute I made my AH leave our home, she has been putting a lot of pressure on me. She wants answers to a lot of questions that I can't answer without getting involved - "Where is he going to live?" "Is he okay?" Have you talked to him?" "What did he say?" "How did he look?" "Did they find a rehab for him?" "What does he do if they don't?" "How much will it cost?" "Can he stay with you until he goes to rehab?", etc, etc, etc.

And it's not just pressure from her. My parents are concerned about me, and about my AH, so they ask the same questions. And to make matters worse, my AH's counselor called me today and pretty much guilted me into allowing him to stay with me until he is able to check in to rehab. Why everyone thinks I am the person who should be solving all of these problems is a mystery to me. I'm really trying to let him do this on his own, but all this pressure wears me down until I finally give in.

Ugh, life would be so much easier if everyone just left me the hell alone.

meggem

My AH went to rehab on his own and finally surrendered. I remember feeling such relief that it "all makes sense" and that that this is manageable and all of it was not in my head and he truly isn't a monster - his addiction is. I just hope I will be able to share a marriage success story because I don't see a lot of them here, but maybe I'm not looking hard enough. So I can relate to you and I'm so glad you have a sense of relief (among all of the other things I am sure you are feeling).

overit263

Mine was diagnosed bipolar, and to me, it made it even harder because instead of just being in his meds to manage, he started using on too of his meds. When I caught him, his reason on for using was "because I thought that was as good as the meds were ever going to make me feel". I was the same as you, I thougt that diagnosis and finding out there was sexual abuse made it all make sense, but really, it just didn't matter.

AnvilheadII

I think its very rare when "the addict just doesn't want to get better";

i too respectfully disagree with this statement. if that was the case, almost every addict would get clean the first time around, the first detox, the first rehab, the first AA meeting........yes addiction is a b*tch, but addicts aren't addicts by accident.

read a bit more on this board about the overwhelming heartbreak of the 15th failed "attempt" by the addict to get clean, only to be using again in a few short days. many addicts only concede to clean up to get everyone off their backs. then when everybody goes back to business, and the dust settles, they can get right back to getting loaded again.

my own mother died of alcoholism at 57. she had been warned by doctors since her 30's to knock off the drinking. she never tried, even once. DID NOT WANT TO. after a short hospitalization for internal bleeding, after her doctor told her that if she drank even ONE drink again, it would kill her. he said it again, it will KILL you Barbara. demanding to be dishcharged, i took her home. my husband and i had already gone thru the entire house, top to bottom, and drove a truck bed full of bottles to the dump.

and she was back in the hospital two days later, her liver failing.
why? cuz she drank again. she intentionally drove to the liquor store and bought more booze, with the words of Dr Jack still echoing in her head. "it will KILL you Barbara"
why? cuz she could not, would not, imagine life without booze.

recovery isn't for those who need it, it's for those who WANT it. and that WANT shows by their actions.

bluebelle

I get what you're saying. I've gotten better at not giving help when I'm not asked for it. I used to give all kinds of advice and help without even being asked. I gave a lot of "help" to my bf for his previous recoveries that wasn't even requested.

I struggle more when my bf asks me for direct help. He asks me what I think he should do about his Subs or his appointments. That's when I have to revert to the "You're smart. You'll figure it out." Or, I say, "Why don't you bring that up with your psychiatrist?"

I'm sure there are other people here at SR who can help you with what to say to your parents, his parents, him, and the counselors--all the people who are pressuring you to help. One thing I've seen on here is, "No" is a complete sentence. That means that you don't have to give them any kind of explanation.

Maybe it would help you to write up a list of boundaries for yourself? One of your boundaries could be, "My home is not a detox facility." Or, "I will not do for others what they can do for themselves." Or, "I will not discuss husband's rehab with his mother." I'm just trying to throw ideas out there.

You mentioned you were exhausted and have had enough. Of course you're exhausted, you've been caretaking for everybody else and don't have an ounce of strength left for yourself.

Since AH is going to be home soon, is there something you can do to try to keep some peace for yourself? Can you stay somewhere else for a couple of days? Make plans with a friend for this evening? Go get a manicure/pedicure? Take yourself to a movie?

Stucco

Can you offload any of these tasks? I know there are photo editing services. You may be better off to offload the tasks you don't enjoy so you can make more time for the ones you do enjoy or the ones that only you can do.

I expect it will be difficult for you to take time to investigate your options now during crunch time, especially something as critical to your business as photo editing. And money may be an issue.

But maybe something as simple as a housekeeping service for a couple of months could take the pressure off. Then in January when things slow down after the holidays, you could look into a solution.

It's really tough to balance competing demands, but your health is important also and sleep is key to good health and mental functioning. Your stress levels will be more manageable when you have enough sleep.

YearForMe

And this is what every addict thinks while they are using.
Until the drug turns on them...and the consequences pile up.

YearForMe

PhotoArtist...

My husband is addicted to prescription pain pills. He self diagnosed himself with bipolar and refuses to get any kind of help for any of it.
As others posted above....it is difficult to determine which came first....
Just don't get caught up in "my husband is bipolar...so he's a "different" kind of addict"

I operate on the "most likely to...or more often than not" philosophy.

The majority of posters are going to share their ES&H for you and from there, you have to make your own decisions. Take what you need, and leave the rest.

Personally.....reading 100 bad outcomes to one success story (since I'm a "more likely than not" kind of gal)

I think it is dangerous for anyone to hang their hat on one success story....on a message board of unknown entities that could just be here to appeal to the terminally unique or codependents. If you think about it....how do you know that anything I have written is the truth? The same could be said for anyone posting here.

The bottom line is.....this is YOUR life....none of us will suffer the consequences or the benefits of your decisions....only you will.

KeepinItReal

I personally didn't use ANY program to stop using drugs. I know this isn't what anyone wants to hear. I stopped because I didn't want to live the consequences my addiction brought. I wanted to better my life. No program, no inpatient, no drugs, no 12 steps. Everyone is different!!!!!!!!
I don't know if anything will work for my AH. I have to be okay with this and continue to cope and survive if he lives, dies get's better, doesn't get better. In no way can I say that I had a part of his recovery. If I was there for him, that was my part, I supported him while HE was trying to fix his problems. If I can't be there. I can't.
We cannot take credit for helping our loved ones get recovery. It was never because anything we did or didn't do. You get better, because you want to get better. Not because anyone else wants it for you.
Addicts keep using because they want to keep using. PERIOD.

Ann

To all: A reminder here to post your own experience, strength and hope and not be disrespectful to any member whose views differ from your own. Disrepectful posts will be removed.

Right or wrong, we each get to express our feelings and views.

Ann

overit263

Thanks Ann! It gets uncomfortable when people in here get irritated with each other!