LoveMeNow

For the first time ever, I found my husband's stash of pills. He must be getting very sloppy. I know, I know.....never come between an addict and their drugs. But I can't resist. I can't wait until the morning when he looks for them. He will be in a state of panic. Can he really ask me if I have them? Noooooo, because he is clean, lol.

I am going to give them back but I just want to see his reaction and what lie he will spin to try and get more.

He has mind f***ed me so many times! it's his turn.

He is just an addict doing what addicts do. And I am just a Codie doing what Codies do.

His addiction is bigger then him and he can not get clean anytime soon. I am finally at acceptance and will be taking action at the end of this month.

P.S. The really sad part is his business is doing better then ever which just feeds into his addict thinking of "i work better on pills." I guess his dealer will be buying a new boat soon with the money my husband is apparently spending again.

Croissant

I am sorry things are so bad.

I hope you find a way to get better for your own sake and make the focus be on your wellness, not whether he is using or not.

Only you can look after your mental health, just as only he can choose to be clean.

Bent wishes.

LoveMeNow

This is really about me. It is about trusting my instincts and knowing that I can. They are hardly ever wrong.

I put the pills back because they are his to take or not. But I honestly believe finding them, without any real effort, was a Godsend. After my anxiety died down, a real and true sense of clarity happened.

The decisions I have been struggling with for so long ust became so obvious. It's time I let go and let God. I have faith that God has other plans for me and I will not fear the unknown another second of my life.

AnvilheadII

put them back where you found them. don't make it a game. don't keep doing what codies do when you have choices to do something else. you are more embroiled in this than you are acknowledging. you know what you know, that's enough.

oh wait, you DID put them back! sorry I missed that! good for you.

EnglishGarden

I think sudden unexpected revelations are usually our higher power at work in our lives. And I think information which brings us square with hard reality is never a mistake.

I'm glad you are making plans for dealing with the facts. I hope for you some real distance, emotionally and geographically.

LoveMeNow

I agree. I sincerely know that God was revealing the truth to me because I wasn't even looking for them. I was already doubtful that he was clean but I tried hard to stay on my side of street. I knew more would be revealed and it was.

I found them @ 3:00 am and had a few laughs about it with a close friend over the phone. (Just my way of dealing with stress at times) Should I hide them, leave a note, etc. But in the end, I am glad I just put them back.

Today, I have struggled somewhat to stay centered but am using the tools I have learned and they are working.

He can do what he wants, and I sincerely mean that. We all have our own journeys and lessons to learn.

Ann

Another example of how we need to trust out instincts. You KNEW even before you found the pill, LMN. Putting them back was a good choice. You got your validation and didn't get your side of the street dirty.

I'm sorry this goes on and pray he stops one day soon.

Hugs

jjj111

LMN, are you back to stay? From your earlier posts, I thought you were going back temporarily to sort out some business?

LoveMeNow

Yes, that is the plan. However, I will not deny that I was in some small ways, slowly but surely getting sucked back into the fantasy and almost wanting to believe his lies. But I have seen him work a strong recovery program in the past and that was clearly absent so I knew I couldn't deny the truth for long. He wants his addiction and our marriage (for whatever reason) and that is just not possible for me any longer. I am tired of switching seats on the Titanic.

overit263

There is nothing better and horrifying than finding the hard evidence. I've been just like you and knew something was wrong, but needed the fact in front of me so that there was no guess/denial etc. It's kind of the only closure we have with someone that is using. It's great because you finally know for a fact, but it's horrifying because we start to get our hopes up that they are really working on staying clean. Can't argue with hard evidence! You sound pretty strong and like you have it together though so it sounds like you're life is going to be great without the madness.

EnglishGarden

When I was married to an alcoholic many years ago, I didn't have to guess about whether or not he was drinking, for he simply could not control the amount, and his drunkenness was clearly visible. The next morning he would deny he'd had anything to drink at all, but of course, I remembered the night before when he was staggering all over the house.

Had he been on pills, though, he would not have staggered. And when he denied being on anything, I would have doubted my mental health.

What is the same, though, whether the substance is glaring alcohol or invisible oxycodone, is the lying. The lying not just about being intoxicated or about using.

It is the lie of the marriage itself. One's husband (or wife) is always shape-shifting, there is always an undercurrent of deception, and what we think is real (he was sober when he drove the kids to school) is an illusion (he was high).

We can stay with the addicted spouse, it is a choice many make, but it is, I think, best if we give up any pretense that it is an honest relationship. The more we suppress the dark truth, the crazier we get.

overit263

Well said EnglishGarden!

Ann

Just remember, LMN, that it's all one day at a time. You get to do what works for you when the time feels right for you.

It has to be hard and sad for you, so whatever you decide, don't forget to take very good care of yourself in the process.

Hugs

sevenofnine

In a way, I needed AHs relapse as much as he did. I needed to know for sure that I was wasting my time with him. So this time there was the calm you described, the clarity, instead of confusion and turning things over and over in my head trying to spin them straight. Just a clear slap in the face that said "it's time" in no uncertain terms. I came to this site wondering how or when I would know it was time to leave the relationship. As some said"you just know". I didn't 'just know' then, so I held on longer, but promised myself it would be the last time, no more rides on the unmerry go round of relapses. He kept sober for a year and a half, but instead of being sad about his relapse, I feel good. I tried, I put effort in, I stuck by him for thirteen years of this back and forth garbage, and now that he gave me the sign I needed, I can walk away without second thoughts. ( ok in honesty there was one second thought where I asked him to stay, but he was angry and wanted to leave that day--thankfully!)

Now I ready to not just write a new chapter, but a whole new book.

Blessings and peace can take some surprising forms!

Lmn, I hope you are able to find a safe clear path to something better.

sevenofnine

Also, in my experience drug dealers don't buy boats with all the money they make. They invest the profits back into the drugs so they can flip it and make more money. There may be the odd fat cat out there but 95% live in crappy apartments, ugly ugly furniture and "art", with paranoia as their roommate, mouldy food in the fridge, scabs and bad haircuts, childish clothes ( if they ever buy any) and they are always talking about a brighter future which somehow never gets any closer, but thats always because someone else blew it. They think they are popular, but their visitors aren't there for the company, and probably feel skeevy being there (thinking in their heads that they are uncomfortable seeing the dealers kid whe they came to buy drugs, a that at least they aren't like that dude..). I hate when tv shows portray dealers as successful, it's such a lie! They are like gamblers putting every win back into the next wager, and since odds are that someone in the chain of delivery will either steal it or get caught or otherwise ruin the deal, the dealer gets left with nothing or in debt. It's just so hard finding honest criminals these days!

Ok. I guess I have a little resentment built up there....ugh I am so glad that garbage is far in the past for me.

LoveMeNow

"It's just so hard finding honest criminals these days!"

I know one of the guys he gets pills from and this man has a wife, kids, home, nice cars and a boat, etc. He has a great job too and gets the pills from his own DR to sell.

I was shocked to learn he was selling them. I was shocked that he continues to do so, as well. Oh well, money from the devil always go back to the devil. Someday, this man will have to answer for his own actions.

sevenofnine

Ugh how annoying!!!! I'm still convinced the "successful" ones are in the minority though.

How are you holding up? Did you talk to him? Do you have a plan?

LoveMeNow

Oh, I agree!! I am doing ok, thank you.

Yes, he knows I found them. He was quit shocked I didn't take them. "Oh, he was tapering and He finally decided to flushed them." Of course, I was sleeping when he supposedly did this. lol. Would I please help him and be supportive?
He doesn't want to lose me.....blah, blah, blah!!

Same old, same old......anything to protect his addiction!

Upsetnneedhelp

lovemenow, I could never throw out my sons stash of drugs. He would literally flip out and I could get hurt. Whether you like it or not the pills are his.

LoveMeNow

I am sorry you chose to live in such fear of your own son. (I have been following your thread on the F&F of Alcoholics.)

I didn't take his pills because I feared him, I left them because they were his, albeit illegal, and he can live his life however he chooses. However, I too have a choice about drugs in my home as well as an active addict. You do too!!