Oh, the denial!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Indiana
Posts: 147
Oh, the denial!!!
)I have been doing very well in my recovery lately. My husband came home about 6 weeks ago with the plan of sobriety, AA and marriage counseling with an addiction specialist. One session later (for him), no meetings, sneaking behind my back drinking and using (no surprise) and back to the blame and insults(no surprise there, either.) I have came to acceptance, completely lowered my expectations and raised my boundaries. I don't engage in his arguments and just "believe" his lies. I have told him that if he drinks, even just one, hecan not sleep here. He is in trouble for child support and going to court for that at the end of the month. He isn't allowed to drink or stay at his mother's if he doesn't have a place to stay. But, NOW he's done it. After being gone all week drinking, he got into a fist fight with a guy that he hospitalized and now has a warrant. Somehow??? he is blaming me. If he was allowed to have a few beers and come home, this wouldn't have happened. If, I hadn't blabbed to his mom(warned her so she's not surprised when the cops show up at her house)she wouldn't be upset. Not that if he didn't drink and do drugs that he this may not even be an issue. I'm (again) not surprised, but WOW
can they come up with some whoppers to keep the focus off of themselves and their using.
can they come up with some whoppers to keep the focus off of themselves and their using.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Wow, of course you are in no way to blame for his poor choices and the consequences they bring. The fact that he refuses to own what is his is a good indication that he is nowhere near ready to get sober or clean anytime soon.
It is what it is, I'm sorry that what it is is no bleak. What you need to decide is how you can live your life free of his chaos, whether you live with him or without him.
Hugs
It is what it is, I'm sorry that what it is is no bleak. What you need to decide is how you can live your life free of his chaos, whether you live with him or without him.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 71
For the past 4 years, this was the story of my life. I would set boundaries ("if you abuse drugs I will detach from you", "if you abuse drugs, you are not allowed to live in this house", etc). I had every intention of sticking to my boundaries, but my AH always managed to suck me right back in and give him another chance. Or if I actually made him leave, I'd cave in the next day because he would cry and tell me how much he needed me and how sorry he was. Or he would blame me ("i don't do it all the time! If you could just let it go this wouldn't happen!" or "I swear I wasn't shooting up in the bathroom! That syringe was old. If you would only believe me this wouldn't happen!").
About 2 years ago I decided to get help for myself. I started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, and at first it was just comforting to know I had someone to talk to, someone I could be brutally honest with, someone who would not judge me or tell me what I should do. I am so grateful that I found such a wonderful therapist - he really helped me focus on ME. Two years later, I have a successful photography business and have taken back control of my life.
Last week I finally decided that I would follow through with the boundary I had set - if he abuses drugs, he can't live in my home. I made him leave and did not cave in to his manipulation. He was out of control, got into a fist fights, the cops were looking for him for this and then for that. He blamed me for being homeless. But really, if he wasn't doing anything wrong, why did no one else take him in? If I needed a place to stay I could call 20 people right now and they would all come running to help me. But everyone turned their backs on him. It was 7 days of pure Hell, not knowing where he was or if he was dead or alive. But I found the strength I needed to stick to my boundary and not let him back into my life. And 7 days later, he made the decision (on his own) to go to rehab! He's only been gone for a day and already this immense weight has been lifted off of my chest. Not because he is gone but because he is getting help. I know he is safe and being given the help he needs, and that is all that matters.
I really wish I would have done this sooner, but oh well. Who cares how long it took me to get to this point as long as I got here, right? So I urge you to stay strong and stick to your boundaries. Do not let him manipulate you into letting him back into your home. You are on the right track so stay on it! If we let them break our boundaries, recovery will never happen because they will continue to use and abuse and we will fall back into our codependent patterns. Stay strong and keep those boundaries - you can do this!
About 2 years ago I decided to get help for myself. I started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis, and at first it was just comforting to know I had someone to talk to, someone I could be brutally honest with, someone who would not judge me or tell me what I should do. I am so grateful that I found such a wonderful therapist - he really helped me focus on ME. Two years later, I have a successful photography business and have taken back control of my life.
Last week I finally decided that I would follow through with the boundary I had set - if he abuses drugs, he can't live in my home. I made him leave and did not cave in to his manipulation. He was out of control, got into a fist fights, the cops were looking for him for this and then for that. He blamed me for being homeless. But really, if he wasn't doing anything wrong, why did no one else take him in? If I needed a place to stay I could call 20 people right now and they would all come running to help me. But everyone turned their backs on him. It was 7 days of pure Hell, not knowing where he was or if he was dead or alive. But I found the strength I needed to stick to my boundary and not let him back into my life. And 7 days later, he made the decision (on his own) to go to rehab! He's only been gone for a day and already this immense weight has been lifted off of my chest. Not because he is gone but because he is getting help. I know he is safe and being given the help he needs, and that is all that matters.
I really wish I would have done this sooner, but oh well. Who cares how long it took me to get to this point as long as I got here, right? So I urge you to stay strong and stick to your boundaries. Do not let him manipulate you into letting him back into your home. You are on the right track so stay on it! If we let them break our boundaries, recovery will never happen because they will continue to use and abuse and we will fall back into our codependent patterns. Stay strong and keep those boundaries - you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I swear they live in delusional land and believe all their crazy nonsense. It's really insane. But, he did this to himself and in no way is it your fault. You already no this... but I would just like to concur.
Have a blessed day
Have a blessed day
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by jzeb2008 
)I have been doing very well in my recovery lately. My husband came home about 6 weeks ago with the plan of sobriety, AA and marriage counseling with an addiction specialist. One session later (for him), no meetings, sneaking behind my back drinking and using (no surprise) and back to the blame and insults(no surprise there, either.) I have came to acceptance, completely lowered my expectations and raised my boundaries. I don't engage in his arguments and just "believe" his lies. I have told him that if he drinks, even just one, hecan not sleep here. He is in trouble for child support and going to court for that at the end of the month. He isn't allowed to drink or stay at his mother's if he doesn't have a place to stay. But, NOW he's done it. After being gone all week drinking, he got into a fist fight with a guy that he hospitalized and now has a warrant. Somehow??? he is blaming me. If he was allowed to have a few beers and come home, this wouldn't have happened. If, I hadn't blabbed to his mom(warned her so she's not surprised when the cops show up at her house)she wouldn't be upset. Not that if he didn't drink and do drugs that he this may not even be an issue. I'm (again) not surprised, but WOWcan they come up with some whoppers to keep the focus off of themselves and their using.
can they come up with some whoppers to keep the focus off of themselves and their using.So, the best thing that can happen is that your AH bears the full weight of responsibility for his choices. Hold firm on your boundaries.
ZoSo
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