Twofish

Ok, this is the plan, when he gets home after school, I will have the pot pipe out on the counter. Sit him down and explain the dangers of illegal drugs. His AS and her boyfriend will be close by to help explain their addictions. No yelling or screaming. Then I will have him smash the Pipe. Then for a punishment, take his phone away. Then let it be. So does that sound fair? TF

Ilovemysonjj

Yes TF, I only wish I had SR back in the day when the "pot pipe" showed up. This is a very adult way to handle it.
TT

Twofish

Thanks for saying that, ILMSJJ, I have made so many mistakes in my short time with addiction, it feels good to hear support that I'm doing the right thing. I assume there will be more pipes, but maybe, just maybe, he will be a lucky kid and listen, get the message and leave the pot alone and never touch it again. Thanks again for the support, I really need it, with three kids involved with drugs, I feel like a crabby loser of a mom.

Txhelp

He's been told drugs are bad and he knows it-hence the hiding.

Sit down and talk. Keep it simple. Lectures never work. Have a consequence...natural ones are the best in my book.

Let go.

You are not a failure. I understand the pending doom of having 2 children who struggle with substance abuse. 2 for 2 isn't good at all. I was always wondering "what are the odds that both kids have issues?"

No use wasting energy wondering "why?" There are no answers to that questions-nothing concrete.

Get support for yourself as the others have suggested-real support.

Dee74

Have you run this past your alanon buddies Twofish?

I think Hammer's suggestion of waiting a while and then calmly announcing you have a drug free house sounds less dramatic and confrontational to me - it gives your boy less to kick against IMO.

D

Hammer

jmho.

Sounds like a WHOLE LOTTA Drama.

Mountainmanbob

at 14 I guess that's about all one can do

but
was I shocked when I was driving at 16
mom found some pot seeds and took my car away

she had a good solid point
no one under the influence of pot should be behind the wheel

Mountainman

Lily1918

I think its a good effort. I wish my parents had staged an intervention

Leftover

I had this situation in my home. I can tell you what I did. It worked in my case. When i found the pipe i called the school and said i was picking her up because there was a family emergency. when she got in the car, all worried, i handed her the pipe. then i took my child for a drug screen right then, no questions or conversation. Weed shows up for 30 days, I think. Knowing she was smoking it, but still without proof, I called a local rehab facility and asked them to do an assessment. Scared the bejesus out of her, walking in and out of the facility and being there while there was an AA meeting going on. I also called the mother's of the friends she was hanging out with. They were all a good bunch and their parents also took some steps to squash their behavior. Guess what? It worked. She is a grown professional, wife and mother. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful girl.

You all know I'm not taking too much credit for her good outcome. If I do, I must also take credit for my addicted son's outcome and you know how that is working out. I was lucky once. Good luck TF and let me know how it goes. This is not your fault and I'm sure you have done all you canto be a good mother.

allforcnm

Just for reference, if you have not checked it out - this site has a lot of info for parents: Support and Resources for Parents Dealing with Teen Drug and Alcohol Abuse | The Partnership at Drugfree.org

Twofish

Good morning and happy Friday SR, Well, I know everyone's anxious to hear what I did yesterday. I had to pick up the AD from IOP got home at 4:15' the 14 yr old was playing video games. I put the pipe out on the counter, the AD and her friend were just standing there, more for my support. I asked him about the pipe and what he was doing with it, dumb question, he said what do you think? Weed. I asked how long he had been smoking "weed" he said just a few times. Where did you get the pipe, he told me. I then told him the dangers of drug use, how his sisters have suffered, how I have suffered watching them. He said he wouldn't do it anymore. So the four of us went out side and had him smash the pipe with a hammer. He needs punishment, Homecoming is Saturday, he said he wouldn't go. I said that's fine and dandy, but I want his phone. He was reluctant, but he gave me his beloved phone. He's not happy. This morning was difficult to get him up, but he did. I will let him go to the game, no sleepovers, the dance is Saturday. Might have to miss that one. He doesn't have a date, but he will miss out on the memories. Should I not let him go? I have decided not to keep rehashing over this pot pipe event. He got the point, he seemed sincere about it, he watches how his sisters and this boyfriend are suffering, that is scary enough. If this ever happens again, then he goes to OP therapy, drug testing, the whole thing, all this over a plant. I prayed hard to my God for strength for him and myself and for all parents of children that addiction has touched. I hope I have gotten through to this one. My little boy, the heartache addiction has put this and all families through. I got a peak of what hell looks like and I never want to see that again. So that's that. I can't do it over. I hope I got thru to him, my AD said I did a good job, like that helps, it never helped her, so stop being negative and HOPE for the best. Have a wonderful day SR, thanks again for this advice. I did speak with an addiction counselor yesterday, all of you are on the same page on what to do. So now I wait and see if it helped this 14 yr old to stay away from drugs and alcohol. TF

incitingsilence

I am a bit late to the dance…but here is a different view for you to think about.

Look at the reality of things.

Honestly, do you think that he doesn’t know the danger of using drugs, what it does to the family? He is living in it. I really think you were way past explaining the obvious. And think about it, it didn’t stop him from using in the first place.

Also I have to add, now he knows you know the truth … so if this more, this is now the beginning of the game.

Going by what you have shared here.

I do believe your son needs some help. Maybe it is not the time to wait and see. I don‘t believe over reacting is good either but getting him some help wouldn’t be even close to that now. He has 2 older siblings that are addicts, a dad that isn’t there and a mom who has been through a lot and is struggling to cope. Imagine how it is for him with no life skills at all to deal with everything that has been going on.

I would suggest calling your pediatrician or family doctor and getting him some counseling. With an addiction therapist, it might be some added plus, but really he just needs to have someone he can talk to. If you can’t afford it, then call 211 and see what services they have available in your area.

You may also want to read this. It is called The Set Up, Living with Addiction. It is long but worth the time.
http://www.nacoa.org/pdfs/the%20set%...lum.pdfhttp://

Twofish

I really hope I didn't screw this up. I don't even like life anymore, it will never be normal again. I question why I ever got married and had children, look how they chose to live their lives...doesn't sound like sobriety is going to survive, I hope I'm wrong. So now I'm alone, surrounded by judgmental people, I can't confide in anyone, I have SR, you have never abandoned me. I really hate being alone. Gosh, now my thoughts are all over the place, sometimes, well once, I thought just become an addict, like them, then I can lie, steal and not care about anyone but myself. But then that's stupid, I see the pain and suffering my children are going thru and I don't need more pain in my life, I just want to smile and be happy I'm alive, just for a minute, to pull,myself out of this rut I've fallen in to. I'm sorry I'm so negative, I'm a mom who has lost her children. Maybe I just need a hug, I just don't know anymore.

jjj111

TF, some people find that the path to serenity begins when we admit that we are powerless over our loved ones' addictions. There's a popular saying around here, sometimes called the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So all the anxiety many people dealing with addicts feel about whether they did the wrong or right thing, whether they will find a way to fix their family members--if we accept that we are powerless over other people's addictions, then we can just let all that go and put it in the hands of our higher power. Which leaves a lot more energy to do things we enjoy and live a peaceful life. Just a thought! Hugs to you!

Ann

Twofish, you are the mama here and get to make choices. Don't let anyone, the boys father or even your inner conscience tell you that you are not a good mother. We moms each do the best we can, and when we know better, we do better.

I like Dee's suggestion. He knows he smokes pot, you know he smokes pot, there is no reason to beat that part into the earth. Announcing that your home is a zero tolerance drug-free zone is a great idea, it becomes about YOU where it should be and doesn't give him the option of quarreling the issue or denying use.

What is past is past, take your stand today and let it lead you into tomorrow.

And again, because he is 14 years old a lot of the advice here is not the same as might be given a grown man.

Good luck dear, you ARE a good mama and I know you can make good decisions. Just don't second guess yourself so much.

Hugs

Edited to add: There is also nothing wrong with a drug check at random where you can search his room or anyplace else you suspect there might be drugs. You don't need hard proof, it's your house and you get to keep it safe. This can all go with your new "drug-free zone" policy.

Twofish

Thanks, I've heard of the three C's and I think that it's very smart...but I'm talking about a 14yr old, I can't let it goo and give it up. He's still a child in my eyes. I have a lot of hope for him. He's my baby, it's always been him and me, now I feel like it's just me, alone, fighting to keep the addiction at bay, at least for the boy. I'm so tired, I'm so sad.

Leftover

Oh it is very sad and scarey. You have had the experience of your daughters' use and I know you don't feel you handled that well. The first time we are faced with the drug situation we are shocked and do the best we can with what we know. You are much smarter now and have the support and guidance from SR and Alanon. IMO you know he is using and probably more then he admits to and more then you want to believe. Cut him off at the pass. Know exactly what you will say and exactly what you will do when this ugly monster rears its head again. I think you would be spitting in the wind to believe he will not pick up again. Statistically, he has a great chance of continuing down this path. Be ready. Have all your ducks in a row. Don't talk this to death with him. You are the boss. You are the adult and you make the rules. Tough? Very, but in the end it could save his life. I wish I had handled my oldest son's experimentation at 15 this way. Maybe today at 40 he wouldn't be a sad and desperate addict. Good luck and remember you are a good mom.

bluebelle

My suggestion would be to get counseling for him. He could have some visits just him -- and later the counselor would probably have you visit, and maybe the two of you together.

If you don't know where to start finding a counselor, you could try the nurse at his school. Or, talk to your son's doctor for a referral.

We had to do that for my stepdaughter (not the addict). At about 14, she was anorexic. I also referred a student (about that age) to the nurse to get her counseling (she was writing about using pot). At first, the student was very angry with me (how could you . .. etc.). At the end of the semester, she wrote me a letter thanking me. She went to a local drug counseling center with group and individual counseling that was on a sliding-fee scale.

bluebelle

Also, remember this is not anything against you. It is not your fault. To me, what your son is doing is a cry for help. My bf started pot around that time. He had a wonderful family. He doesn't blame them at all for him starting. However, he wishes that they had gotten help for him. He said it was all so foreign to them. They just didn't know what to do about it.

Twofish

Hi Leftover, Thank you so much, that made me smile. This is excellent advice. I have a disbelief that he will use again, but, that's my denial talking. I close my very sore eyes and see a 5yr old starting kindergarten, holding my hand, we both trying to hold back our tears because of separation, I open my eyes and he's 14 and has a pot pipe, what could of happened, what could of went wrong. He was/is a good boy, maybe a mammas boy. My youngest, the one who needs me the most, but now, does he still need me or does he need that pot pipe? I'm not planning on going over this a thousand times with him. He knows I know. The ball now is in his court, will he listen and not smoke pot or make a choice to smoke. If his choice is the latter,...here we go again, rehab. What choice is left?