Twofish

Hi everyone it's me again, So what's wrong now, you ask? Well, I just walked into my 14 yr olds room, I had a hard time opening up the door cause he had put a towel covering the bottom of the door and carpet. Anyway, I opened the door, and I swear to God I smelled pot. I'm not stupid, I admit smoking it when I was 20ish so I know what it smells like. I asked him if he was smoking pot up there. He said no. So I called my AD and her ex ABF to come up and take a smell. Before they got up there, my son sprayed some cologne around, so much it was nauseating. The other addicts said they didn't smell anything, my daughter said I was paranoid because both my daughters are addicts and I fear this sweet boy has started experimenting. Everyone says they don't smell any pot. I don't know what any other drugs that are lite smell like, just pot. What should I do now, how much more can I take? Am I going crazy, being paranoid, I KNOW what I smelled. I'm heartsick now. What should I do? I did ask if I could smell his breath, and I smelled it faintly. Am I crazy? I didn't yell, I just said, ok, I believed him, but talked a few minutes about how drugs can ruin his life. He just said I know. I'm just gonna cry and wait to hear from anyone, what they think I should or shouldn't do. I also found a lighter in his closet, just laying there. He said its been there for months. TF

Ann

Trust your instincts. I too know the smell of pot and wouldn't mistake it for anything else.

It doesn't matter what they say when we know the truth in our own heart.

So now what? Is there a consequence for smoking pot? For smoking it in your home? For wasting good cologne trying to cover it up?

I think it's time for a family sit down...including the sibling who backed him up.

Throw out some rules.

Hugs

lizwig

Ugh...your post brought up some memories for me. My son, 14, no doubt in my mind of what I smelled. Pot has a very distinct smell. I understand your fears completely...regardless of what people say it was a total gateway drug for my son. I think you'd find very few drug abusers who didn't start with it. I would have a solid heart to heart with him. You are setting the stage for moving forward so if he thinks he can lie and get away with it this time...what's to stop him in the future. Direct and non-emotional...You can do it! I am so, so sorry...you've been learning a lot in regards to your daughters struggles...You can incorporate what you've learned into your relationship with him. Big hug to you today TF...wish I knew the perfect thing to say.

Twofish

Yes Lizwig, I know you are right. I know what I smelled. The rolled up towel under the door, the colone wash out, the smell on his breath, a lighter, and his pupils were very dial item. I guess if my mom caught me, I would deny it. My AD daughter, I feel in my heart knows what she smelled too, but didn't want to rat her brother out. However, after my cry, she came to me and said she still feels she didn't smell pot, she IS going to have a heart to heart talk alone with him about the evils of drugs and addiction. If anyone, she can get through to him. I pray I'm wrong about the smell, but I know what I smelled....gonna get to the bottom of this, have a talk then see what gets absorbed. That's a good start
. TF

digdug

As someone who smoked every day for 10 years, you don't roll up a towel under the doorway for no reason.

He is 14. He is a minor. He lives in your house. If you're in doubt, you are well within your rights as a parent to search his room.

The problem is that kids are going to experiment. My parents were lax and said they didn't care as long as I just did it in my room without getting into trouble. But I ended up as an alcoholic/addict. And yes, I know that correlation does not imply causation. Just anecdotally mentioning that letting this slide might not yield the results you want. On the other hand, bringing down the first of god may cause rebellion and lead him to use in more dangerous situations.

But addiction clearly runs in your family. Education may be the best course of action. Drug use, no matter what the drug, including alcohol, has consequences. Legal, financial, health, relationships, etc. Some of these consequences are severe and life threatening. He might not listen (I don't think I would have at 14), but it's something he needs to know.

Just my humble opinion.

Dee74

I'd be inclined to give any kid the benefit of the doubt - except for the rolled up towel and the quick spraying of cologne.

As a former pot smoker, there's not much doubt to me what was going on.

the good news is you've learned a lot in recent months TF - although I'm sorry you have to deal with this again, I know you'll do whats right for your son - and for you

D

Twofish

My dear advisors in SR, I couldn't sleep at all last night b/c of worrying over the 14 yr old smoking pot. He continued to deny it this morning when I woke him up for school. I held my mouth and didn't say anything. Whilst driving to school, I talked to him of the dangers of drugs, even pot, it will lead other dangerous behaviors. He continued to deny it. Telling me he's a good student, getting mostly a & b's. so I told him for my peace of mind he wouldn't mind being drug tested, he said sure. So I said, ok I believe you. I dropped him off and went home. My curiosity was killing me so I went in his room and looked around. I checked under his mattress, nothing. So I felt better, then as I was walking out of his room, I saw it, a pot pipe, right in plain few by his bed. I'm torn right now. I took it away. I'm in denial, I'm depressed, I feel guilty, I blame myself. Three beautiful children, my gifts, are doing or have done drugs. How should I handle this, what should I say to him. I'm hurting so bad, my big old heart is breaking again, please someone help me. TF

Hammer

Usually best to start with you/us.

How about you stop forcing him to lie?

By now you have both figured out what is going on. AND you both seemed locked. You locked onto forcing him . . . to confess, (or what?), and he seems locked on "lie and deny."

How is THAT good for either of you?

Basic Alanon 101, along with the Steps and the rest, is -- get a least a little distance. Fancy word is "detachment." Not an abandonment, not a don't-care thing. Just back up enough so you can stop hurting.

After detaching a bit comes boundaries. Those are sort of like a fence, or your own rules for your own areas that you are responsible for. e.g., No Pot in the house.

That takes you out of the Investigator, Detective, Jailer and Judge roles that will harm you both.

Twofish

Hi Hammer, Thank you for responding to me. My son, who just 2 hours ago was denying all this pot talk, has yet to find out that I have discovered his pipe? Should I tell him I found his pipe, know he was lying to me, tell him I forgive him and move on with life? Oh, and tell him no more pot smoking in the house? Then wait and see? Should I tell my husband, who doesn't live with us, what is going on? Should I just keep mum and not say anything to anyone, throw the pipe away and see what happens? Please help me figure this out before he gets home from school. My mind won't work right now so I don't know what to do or say. Please advise me...TF

lizwig

Any thoughts on what appropriate boundaries would be for TwoFish? This is something I really struggled with early on with my son...I still question whether I missed the "crux point"...or if I pushed him over it. We began with talking about it, then it progressed to restricting him from items we thought he cared about...playstation, skateboard, motorcycle, truck...etc...then began the full out "I'll do whatever I want, when I want, watch me"...cycle...which is unfortunately still going on today....nearly 9 years later. I really wish I could give Twofish some useful suggestions but I simply don't trust myself in this scenario. So all I can do is tell you I'm thinking about you and hope someone else has something constructive you can try to incorporate as you move froward. Thank you all for responding....

Lily1918

I dont know if this is good advice, but when he gets home from school I would have the pipe on the table, make him take a drug test and then send him to counselling or ma meetings. A minor child is different than a using adult imo

Hammer

Well, it is true that you asked for advice . . . but keep in mind I am not such a wise adviser. My best thinking brought me to a situation not so terribly different than your own.

You know what they say about what happens when the Blind lead the Blind? They both fall in the ditch. And being in a ditch does not help You, Your Son, Me, My Kids, nor Mrs. Hammer (my little addict).

My VERY Best advice is Get You in Alanon. Today. Alanon cautions *us* to not get into the advice business with each other. Helps prevents that Blind Leading the Blind thing.

Alanon DOES teach us to share our Experience, Hope, and Strength.

So for experience -- Guess my closest similar thing was when Mrs. Hammer took OUR FAMILY CAR to go buy a Bag of Pot.

I was HOPPING MAD CRAZY. My Alananny Angels (the older women of Alanon, who I sort of look at as the voice of Angels here on Earth for me) -- looked concerned. (I am concerned for you), and said, "This sounds like something we need to turn over to God."

So we did.

I think the same for you -- You good on the Higher Power stuff, and why *we* need it? That is where this stuff starts. Suppose THAT is why is why they call it Step 1.

I guess if YOUR Boundary were No Pot and No Paraphernalia in the House, you could toss the pipe. Seems reasonable to me. If there were a deadly spider or snake in the house, you would take them out, right?

And I suppose your son should be clear on Your Boundaries, right? Maybe tell him next week when things are calm -- without mention of all the recent drama, that you have declared the house a Drug Free Zone. No big drama, no If You Want To Smoke . . . , nor all the rest. Just simple "My Boundary is No Drugs in the House," and then we do not have to deal with anything like this again.

But really, since this a building problem, and you are clearly distressed -- Alanon. You. Today. Will fix and improve your life in so many ways.

Mountainmanbob

yes, the old towel covering the crack in the door trick

sounds like some pot was being smoked

the sad fact is
the majority of kids these days have tried pot
and for a few of these it will stunt their mental and spiritual growth

Mountainman

Twofish

Well, this all sounds good to me and thank you. I will throw the pot pipe away and tell him no pot smoking is allowed in the house, I prefer that he not smoke pot at all, he's only 14! I think he will just go buy another pipe and smoke pot outside. I think his AS"s have glorified drugs, you get attention from mom if you do drugs, is what I think is going through his mind. I'm still torn on what to do, I still seek advise from SR. I'm losing him, I can feel it. And now I'm going to be overwhelmed and blame myself, now I have 3 children who have turned to drugs because of me? I thought I was a good mom...

Lily1918

You are a good mom. This isnt your fault! Hugs

Twofish

I just called my husband, I'm so torn and lost, I thought he could/would comfort me with kind reassuring, supportive words. He yelled at me, said I was a rotton parent and all I do is sit around and watch tv. That hurt my soul. I am sick, I don't feel very good about myself. I wish life wasn't so hard on me, I can't hold it together anymore. I'm just a wreck. I'm a failure. He's blaming me for anything that goes wrong with the kids. My mind is broken. He just kept yelling at me, this is so wrong.

Hammer

Good. Now you know where NOT to go.

Pain can be useful that way, huh?

Do you know your local Alanon meeting schedule?

Read that Step 1 stuff, yet? Sounds like you are right there.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over _______ ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

jjj111

TF, maybe it's time to stop worrying about the kids and start taking care of you? There's still time to send your 14yo the message that doing drugs will not get you all of Mom's energy and attention.

interrupted

Of all the things I read on here, I think minor children are the most difficult to handle. I really feel for you and want you to know you're in my thoughts. I honestly do not know what the best way to handle this is. Minor children are such a different scenario than adults. I feel like there should be punishment for breaking the rules at home - for any child, whether they are 5 or 15. But like Lizwig said, they are already breaking rules, and sometimes that seems to result in them rebelling even further. I'm very interested in hearing from the momma posse on this one. How do you handle minor children in this situation?

What I do know is this: you must forgive yourself for any and all mistakes you have made up until now. We all make mistakes, every one of us. There is no way to do better if we stay mired in the guilt we weigh ourselves down with over the past, and that is wasted energy, because the past is done, and you need that energy for right now. Your husband's anger is his own to bear, not yours. Forgive yourself.

KeepinItReal

I would agree with lilly. Confronting him on the situation when you can be calm and not yell at him would be best. He should have consequences for lying. In my own opinion... drug counseling would have been best for me if I started in high school. Any sort of counseling would have been good for me in high school. Taking away things isn't a good punishment. Sorry, it's my own opinion. Making him DO SOMETHING... like counseling... would be pro-active and yield better results. In my own opinion.