I need some advice...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Good morning, This is a bad day for me. It's the three month anniversary that I found out my AD's were addicts. I just can't stop this loneliness that overcomes me every day. Meetings help temporarily, but the doom feeling comes back. I feel all the time I spent trying to get my AD's to want sobriety (and they have) all that time, my son was alone, by himself, he's only 14 not a man yet. I do pray and he attends church with me, but he doesn't talk to me, more than hi or good night. I haven't heard him say the word " mom" in so long, let alone "love you too" but teens or most teens don't say that. So today I will try not to be so sad. The Dr. said he's glad I'm able to hold this all together, he gave me benzos and Prozac, but the pills don't help. My solid family is SR at the moment, you listen, you don't judge me or scold me. You accept this broken mom as I am. Thanks for all the advice, it truly has helped me and my family. If anything ever happened to me, three kids would spiral down into that dark addiction world, they are so newly sober, the 19 yr old has 8 weeks in and got this neat looking coin that she is so proud of, the 22 yr old is on Methadone for about 2 weeks now,(is that sober? I really question this, but I hold my tongue ) the 14 yr old, well just found out a few days ago that he has been experimenting with pot. My husband is useless, he lives in another state. So it's me, alone to support these kids. Plus my AD exboyfriend, came to me crying, he has no place to go, live and is afraid he might use again ( his DOC was meth) so he moved in. He sleeps in a spare bedroom, they are not romantic, I have set rules, they go to meetings and are friends. This was a bad choice or a good choice I made but I made it. So, lets see, that's 4 kids addiction had touched that I now supervise, trust is coming back, but I'm always on the watch. My son does seem more happy that this boy that this ex has moved in, not as a father figure but as a friend he can talk to. So that's the latest drama going on in the TF household. Everyone have a nice uneventful happy weekend, be good to yourself, smile and breathe....TF
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Twofish 
the 22 yr old is on Methadone for about 2 weeks now,(is that sober? I really question this, but I hold my tongue )
but
most of them it seems just stay on Methadone for extended periods of time
much longer than needed I think
the healthy thought when taking Methadone should be
in what safe time can the doctor wean me off this junk
so many of my friends have taken it for many, many years now
and
it seems that some will eventually mix Methadone with other drugs
which for sure we can not call true sobriety
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 26
Oh my dear you need a break!
I just wanted to send a little support and hugs your way, your posts sound like it could have been written by my mother.
My brother was 14 when he started smoking pot. Our parents had recently divorced, mom worked full time plus overtime (we lived with her). In his case- once e started smoking pot, everything in his life revolved around being high, or getting high. He and his friends would get together and come up with scams to get money to get pot, it was a very short time period from when he first started to smoke pot until he was stealing and breaking into cars to get money for pot, and thrown out of high school. It progressed very quickly, and it was only pot for several years. His addiction to "just" pot (and I only say "just" pot because some people think of it as "harmless" or not as "bad" as heavier drugs )- it was such a strong addiction for him & he turned to criminal behaviors just to get pot- you can imagine what it got like when he started experimenting with heavier drugs , and once he smoked crack, it was all over. Since that first time he tried crack his life has not been his, and although he is still alive, I completely lost my brother at that time.
My mom did every single thing a parent can to try and help her child. Residential rehab/counseling for children/juveniles. Therapists, counselors, mental health testing, school tutoring, groundig him, tough love, keeping the "bad friends" away, going so far as to remove te door out of his bedroom as punishment. After an arrest with some friends for breaking into cars, instead of him being sent to a juvenile offender jail type center, she paid to send him to Arizona Boys Ranch, an intense, very strict, military- like ranch in the mountains of Arizona as a last resort. He thrived there- went to school there, got in shape and physically healthy, learned discipline and hard physical work, as well as community service. He was there for two years. And within months of coming home he was back to using, stealing, lying, and on top of all that, his 16 year old girlfriend got pregnant. At that point I was living in my first house on my own and in college, but his pregnant girlfriend moved in, and when my first niece was born they all lived with my mom. For her first year or so she was pretty much raised by my mom, and spent many/most weekends with her favorite Auntie
All through this, mom still worked 50+ hours a week at a back breaking job. My mom is one hell of a tough cookie. Having a child did not inspire my brother to change his ways, like we all hoped.
The reason for sharing that all in this post is- everything my mom did and tried to help my brother- she never did a thing to help herself deal with what it was doing to HER. She talked of finding Nar-Anon meetings for family support, but never made the time to go. Never saw a counselor for her own well being and sanity, and it effected we tremendously. The addict in my brother said horrible things to and about our mom, and up until now- homeless, filthy, prison record a mile long, 34 years old and looks about 15 years older than his age- just now he finally admits responsibility and blames only himself for his addiction. As he's grown both in age and in his addiction it was ALWAYS my oarent's fault that he was the way he was. Never his. All that has broken my mom. She still wonders what she could have done differently, and even though I've turned out pretty good (tooting my own horn a bit here
, she still feels like she somehow failed as a mother. And over the years I have taken to over compensating for my brothers pain he caused my mom, making sure she knows how loved and how precious she is to me and to all of her grand kids. I do this with my brothers kids too- I somehow feel like I HAVE to try and make up for the pain caused by their dad.
My point is, please don't get lost yourself in your kids' addictions. Don't base your worth and your happiness on the addictions. I SO wish my mom had at least the resource of this site 15 years ago. I HATE addiction, it hurts EVERYONE who loves the addict as much as the addict themselves. Take care of yourself, please. Being a mom is the hardest job out there, and so often we define ourselves just by "mother", and forget that we are our own "selves" also.
Sending lots of hugs, and I think you are a great mom & it's very obvious you love your kids tremendously.
((Hugs again)),
Heather
Ps- sorry for the long, drawn out post, I'm pretty new on here & am just so relieved to have found a place where I can talk & share with people who "get it".
I just wanted to send a little support and hugs your way, your posts sound like it could have been written by my mother.
My brother was 14 when he started smoking pot. Our parents had recently divorced, mom worked full time plus overtime (we lived with her). In his case- once e started smoking pot, everything in his life revolved around being high, or getting high. He and his friends would get together and come up with scams to get money to get pot, it was a very short time period from when he first started to smoke pot until he was stealing and breaking into cars to get money for pot, and thrown out of high school. It progressed very quickly, and it was only pot for several years. His addiction to "just" pot (and I only say "just" pot because some people think of it as "harmless" or not as "bad" as heavier drugs )- it was such a strong addiction for him & he turned to criminal behaviors just to get pot- you can imagine what it got like when he started experimenting with heavier drugs , and once he smoked crack, it was all over. Since that first time he tried crack his life has not been his, and although he is still alive, I completely lost my brother at that time.
My mom did every single thing a parent can to try and help her child. Residential rehab/counseling for children/juveniles. Therapists, counselors, mental health testing, school tutoring, groundig him, tough love, keeping the "bad friends" away, going so far as to remove te door out of his bedroom as punishment. After an arrest with some friends for breaking into cars, instead of him being sent to a juvenile offender jail type center, she paid to send him to Arizona Boys Ranch, an intense, very strict, military- like ranch in the mountains of Arizona as a last resort. He thrived there- went to school there, got in shape and physically healthy, learned discipline and hard physical work, as well as community service. He was there for two years. And within months of coming home he was back to using, stealing, lying, and on top of all that, his 16 year old girlfriend got pregnant. At that point I was living in my first house on my own and in college, but his pregnant girlfriend moved in, and when my first niece was born they all lived with my mom. For her first year or so she was pretty much raised by my mom, and spent many/most weekends with her favorite Auntie
All through this, mom still worked 50+ hours a week at a back breaking job. My mom is one hell of a tough cookie. Having a child did not inspire my brother to change his ways, like we all hoped.The reason for sharing that all in this post is- everything my mom did and tried to help my brother- she never did a thing to help herself deal with what it was doing to HER. She talked of finding Nar-Anon meetings for family support, but never made the time to go. Never saw a counselor for her own well being and sanity, and it effected we tremendously. The addict in my brother said horrible things to and about our mom, and up until now- homeless, filthy, prison record a mile long, 34 years old and looks about 15 years older than his age- just now he finally admits responsibility and blames only himself for his addiction. As he's grown both in age and in his addiction it was ALWAYS my oarent's fault that he was the way he was. Never his. All that has broken my mom. She still wonders what she could have done differently, and even though I've turned out pretty good (tooting my own horn a bit here
, she still feels like she somehow failed as a mother. And over the years I have taken to over compensating for my brothers pain he caused my mom, making sure she knows how loved and how precious she is to me and to all of her grand kids. I do this with my brothers kids too- I somehow feel like I HAVE to try and make up for the pain caused by their dad. My point is, please don't get lost yourself in your kids' addictions. Don't base your worth and your happiness on the addictions. I SO wish my mom had at least the resource of this site 15 years ago. I HATE addiction, it hurts EVERYONE who loves the addict as much as the addict themselves. Take care of yourself, please. Being a mom is the hardest job out there, and so often we define ourselves just by "mother", and forget that we are our own "selves" also.
Sending lots of hugs, and I think you are a great mom & it's very obvious you love your kids tremendously.
((Hugs again)),
Heather
Ps- sorry for the long, drawn out post, I'm pretty new on here & am just so relieved to have found a place where I can talk & share with people who "get it".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Yes I do need some relief, some encouragement that hope is still alive. I need to stop trying to fix the things I can't fix. I need to believe my children will get thru this nightmare of addiction. I need my family back, did addiction take this away from me forever?
Night owl
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Hey Twofish, I am sorry to read that your son chose to try smoking pot. In a way it was inevitable, it is so readily available and he was bound to be curious, especially with the experience of seeing his two sisters and their drug use. I don't have experience with this either but it sounds like you handled it very well and having his sister talk to him lends some gravity to the situation.
I like the suggestions of making your house a drug free zone. He needs modeled for him that no one is reaching for any type of drug to solve their problems or deal with life. He is seeing your youngest do this and hopefully your oldest will soon be more stable in her recovery, too. The idea of counseling for him alone, and you together sounds good, too. Give him a safe place where he can discuss whatever is on his mind.
I don't think he is lost to you and he may well decide that drugs are not worth it. He is certainly seeing the harm they cause first hand. Just keep being the good and loving mom that you are, reach out to him, let him know you are there for him. Maybe just you two can do something special, have a dinner out once a week or whatever he would like. That may be great thing for both of you.
I am so glad your youngest AD is doing so well. It sounds like she is finding her footing in recovery and wanting it. That is terrific. She will find a new circle of friends in her recovery community.
I know you don't think the oldest is in recovery if she's on methadone and I know methadone is very controversial. I wrote to you in your other thread about this. My own belief is that maintenance medications can be lifesaving, certainly suboxone is for me. But maintenance meds are not recovery, they are tools to help with recovery. To make the other work of recovery more possible.
I think the above suggestion of planning to be on methadone for only a certain amount of time is sound. I have another SR friend who has posted in the Suboxone/Methadone forum many times that the best way to use it is for limited period of time so that it remains a tool and doesn't become a problem like it can be. (I think this is one reason so many people choose suboxone over methadone.)
But for now she is using it correctly, is doing counseling and NA and these are all what will help her to create long term recovery. Try to focus on that if you can.
I know I can't really answer your last question but what comes to mind is that addiction hasn't necessarily taken your family away forever. But it has altered it forever. You are choosing to heal in the face of that. Your daughters are right now choosing to heal. If you continue that choice then things may become stronger than they were before. That is a possibility. But you must take care of you, like everyone keeps saying. You have to start putting you first.
Take care dear Twofish.
=^o^=
I like the suggestions of making your house a drug free zone. He needs modeled for him that no one is reaching for any type of drug to solve their problems or deal with life. He is seeing your youngest do this and hopefully your oldest will soon be more stable in her recovery, too. The idea of counseling for him alone, and you together sounds good, too. Give him a safe place where he can discuss whatever is on his mind.
I don't think he is lost to you and he may well decide that drugs are not worth it. He is certainly seeing the harm they cause first hand. Just keep being the good and loving mom that you are, reach out to him, let him know you are there for him. Maybe just you two can do something special, have a dinner out once a week or whatever he would like. That may be great thing for both of you.
I am so glad your youngest AD is doing so well. It sounds like she is finding her footing in recovery and wanting it. That is terrific. She will find a new circle of friends in her recovery community.
I know you don't think the oldest is in recovery if she's on methadone and I know methadone is very controversial. I wrote to you in your other thread about this. My own belief is that maintenance medications can be lifesaving, certainly suboxone is for me. But maintenance meds are not recovery, they are tools to help with recovery. To make the other work of recovery more possible.
I think the above suggestion of planning to be on methadone for only a certain amount of time is sound. I have another SR friend who has posted in the Suboxone/Methadone forum many times that the best way to use it is for limited period of time so that it remains a tool and doesn't become a problem like it can be. (I think this is one reason so many people choose suboxone over methadone.)
But for now she is using it correctly, is doing counseling and NA and these are all what will help her to create long term recovery. Try to focus on that if you can.
I know I can't really answer your last question but what comes to mind is that addiction hasn't necessarily taken your family away forever. But it has altered it forever. You are choosing to heal in the face of that. Your daughters are right now choosing to heal. If you continue that choice then things may become stronger than they were before. That is a possibility. But you must take care of you, like everyone keeps saying. You have to start putting you first.
Take care dear Twofish.
=^o^=
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey TF
Never lose hope.
I read a lot of hope in your posts. One daughter on methadone (it helps a lot of people), one daughter in recovery and attending meetings. That IS positive!!!
My son is in recovery after 16 years of spiraling drug addiction. Through this time, his younger sister experimented with pot and alcohol in spite of the destruction she witnessed in her brother's life. She went on to graduate from the University of Washington and is now in Seattle, a young dynamic professional, making a truckload of money. Just because they experiment with pot does not mean that they will become addicted.
I'm not suggesting that you don't take this seriously.....I'm simply suggesting that you not let yourself reside in a future that hasn't happened or a past that you can't change.
Do the best you can now. Keep yourself healthy. That is what will give all of your beautiful children the best chance of survival and/or recovery. Teach them through your actions how to take good care of themselves.....by taking good care of you.
gentle hugs from another mama
ke
Never lose hope.
I read a lot of hope in your posts. One daughter on methadone (it helps a lot of people), one daughter in recovery and attending meetings. That IS positive!!!
My son is in recovery after 16 years of spiraling drug addiction. Through this time, his younger sister experimented with pot and alcohol in spite of the destruction she witnessed in her brother's life. She went on to graduate from the University of Washington and is now in Seattle, a young dynamic professional, making a truckload of money. Just because they experiment with pot does not mean that they will become addicted.
I'm not suggesting that you don't take this seriously.....I'm simply suggesting that you not let yourself reside in a future that hasn't happened or a past that you can't change.
Do the best you can now. Keep yourself healthy. That is what will give all of your beautiful children the best chance of survival and/or recovery. Teach them through your actions how to take good care of themselves.....by taking good care of you.
gentle hugs from another mama
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
I'm not suggesting that you don't take this seriously.....I'm simply suggesting that you not let yourself reside in a future that hasn't happened or a past that you can't change.
Most important is to take good care of yourself through all this. You are surrounded by chaos and may need to set time and space aside each day for your quiet time to just feel peace and meditate.
Keeping you all in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I've been thinking a lot about this thread lately, both with how it relates to my own experiences and the situation you've found yourself in.
Regarding your son - many kids experiment with marijuana. 41% of the US population has tried it. It doesn't necessarily make him an addict. He is not his sisters. I smoked a lot of weed with a lot of people and I am the only one who ended up as a drug addict and alcoholic.
Just like most people can drink without going the level abuse, I think the same is possible for marijuana. I know I can't do it responsibly, but that doesn't mean that others can.
He is not doomed. Talk of rehab for a 14 year old boy who smoked weed in his bedroom seems a bit knee-jerk. The truth is, you don't know how he will turn out. Yes, it seems he might have a genetic predisposition, but that is not a death sentence. My brother can and does use marijuana responsibly. I don't think he is an addict. He is not me. I am not him.
But in the end, he is only 14 and is still your responsibility. Focus on what you can control. I really like the idea of a drug-free house. Make it clear that 1) it will no longer be accepted to possess or use any type of drug in your house, alcohol included and, 2) because using substances, especially illegal substances, carry consequences, you will not be bailing him out of any situations that result from use. He choses to use, he faces the consequences, be it legal or scholastic.
Second, why are you inviting a recovering meth addict into your house? There is just my opinion, but there is absolutely nothing you could post that would be able to justify this in my mind. Drug addicts are manipulative. You are being used. So he cried and has no where else to go. That is his problem. He brought himself to that point and he will have to pull himself out of it. And I am coming from a perspective as an addict, not as a family member. No one else could save me, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. It was all a ruse; a grand show.
You can't save everyone. You can't even save your own adult daughters. It's impossible. The more you try to save, the more you will fail.
I'll ask this again: How many Al-anon meetings are you attending a week? Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps?
Work on yourself. Take care of yourself. Your hyper-concern for others is just masking your need to help yourself.
Please take care.
Regarding your son - many kids experiment with marijuana. 41% of the US population has tried it. It doesn't necessarily make him an addict. He is not his sisters. I smoked a lot of weed with a lot of people and I am the only one who ended up as a drug addict and alcoholic.
Just like most people can drink without going the level abuse, I think the same is possible for marijuana. I know I can't do it responsibly, but that doesn't mean that others can.
He is not doomed. Talk of rehab for a 14 year old boy who smoked weed in his bedroom seems a bit knee-jerk. The truth is, you don't know how he will turn out. Yes, it seems he might have a genetic predisposition, but that is not a death sentence. My brother can and does use marijuana responsibly. I don't think he is an addict. He is not me. I am not him.
But in the end, he is only 14 and is still your responsibility. Focus on what you can control. I really like the idea of a drug-free house. Make it clear that 1) it will no longer be accepted to possess or use any type of drug in your house, alcohol included and, 2) because using substances, especially illegal substances, carry consequences, you will not be bailing him out of any situations that result from use. He choses to use, he faces the consequences, be it legal or scholastic.
Second, why are you inviting a recovering meth addict into your house? There is just my opinion, but there is absolutely nothing you could post that would be able to justify this in my mind. Drug addicts are manipulative. You are being used. So he cried and has no where else to go. That is his problem. He brought himself to that point and he will have to pull himself out of it. And I am coming from a perspective as an addict, not as a family member. No one else could save me, no matter how much I begged and pleaded. It was all a ruse; a grand show.
You can't save everyone. You can't even save your own adult daughters. It's impossible. The more you try to save, the more you will fail.
I'll ask this again: How many Al-anon meetings are you attending a week? Do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps?
Work on yourself. Take care of yourself. Your hyper-concern for others is just masking your need to help yourself.
Please take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 26
^^ I completely agree with the statement above regarding letting the meth addicted non-family member stay in your home (sorry I haven't quite gotten the hang if things around here to copy/quote the poster above me, I'm still new
My mom did the same a couple times with friends of my brothers who were also addicts. The friends were not wanting to stop using & were not wanting help, they wanted a place to stay, food to eat, and to not have to worry about finding a place to stay. They were at my moms house because their own parents kicked them out. All that it did was cost my mom more money that she didn't have, and added stress. And it just gave my brother a drug buddy, and an accomplice to his crimes to fund his drug habit. They stole from her and, like stated above, were just using her. The "mother" in her wanted to help. That is not a fault at all, but when dealing with addicts it is not the answer. Focus on getting your family well, on keeping your self well, and if that person wants help, wants to get better, he will find a way. The best help for an addict has to come from within.
Hugs,
Heather
My mom did the same a couple times with friends of my brothers who were also addicts. The friends were not wanting to stop using & were not wanting help, they wanted a place to stay, food to eat, and to not have to worry about finding a place to stay. They were at my moms house because their own parents kicked them out. All that it did was cost my mom more money that she didn't have, and added stress. And it just gave my brother a drug buddy, and an accomplice to his crimes to fund his drug habit. They stole from her and, like stated above, were just using her. The "mother" in her wanted to help. That is not a fault at all, but when dealing with addicts it is not the answer. Focus on getting your family well, on keeping your self well, and if that person wants help, wants to get better, he will find a way. The best help for an addict has to come from within.
Hugs,
Heather
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
