I'm Back ---- Waivering Decisions --- What the hell is wrong with me?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
I'm Back ---- Waivering Decisions --- What the hell is wrong with me?
Dear SR Family:
I have been MIA for some time now due to the LARGE amount of change that has transpired in my life. For those of you who have been posting, I'm sorry that I have not had a chance to get on here and offer comfort when comfort and an ear were needed. So many times, I got on this site for consolation and was immediately granted as such. I feel bad that I have not been able to been the same kind of ear, eyes, and shoulder as others have been to me - so first, I want to say "Thank you."
Since I last wrote, I moved out of my husband’s house in with a friend. I wore out (or my dog wore out) my welcome after two weeks and I found myself back in the house my husband was renting. When I was gone, there were promises of not using, not harassing me to use my car, not asking for money after he has given it to me (he tries to get me to manage his money), etc. Of course, that didn't last very long.
So, for the past couple of months, I have been living with my husband. He has been working out of town and spending most nights of the week in other parts of the state, so I have been alone. However, when he comes back into town, he immediately uses. I understand that he is trying to not use. I understand that he is disgusted with himself and that he is miserable. I get that. But, it doesn't change his actions. He still uses.
I have, in the mean time, gotten a new position working with a LARGE pharmaceutical firm and have DOUBLED my salary with the new position. As soon as the offer was made, I booked a home. I have been looking for some time, but never had the means to get out. So, I was made a path.
The lease, lights, water, and internet are all in my name. I came up with the security deposit on my own, even though I was unemployed for a week. My husband wanted to move with me, wants to move with me. But, in the past two weeks, he has really done poorly with his finances and I'm going to have to keep fronting out the money to get US going. First month’s rent and a light security deposit are due this Friday and he's not going to have his half. Additionally, I even OFFERED to pay the first month if he would get the transmission in his (MY) truck fixed so we would have a truck to assist with the move and, well, to have a truck. Because he spent the majority of his check on drugs, he can't get his truck fixed. Because he continues to lie out of work and spend what money he does have on drugs (or the majority of), he won't have the 1240$ that we need on this Friday to get up and running. I can afford it on my own, it would suck, but I can.
Last night, when he got in from work, he immediately asked to use my car to get some drugs. If I don't let him do what he wants, he yells and throws things, and becomes verbally abusive. When he got back, he asked me to use the car again and to give him money to go back. It was his money, but technically, it was the money that we need to move. Not to mention, he's behind on his truck payment.
So, I left. I spent the night in the new house and slept on the floor with my dog. I just know that he's still going to want to move with me. And so I'm looking for feedback from people who have moved with an addict spouse and whether moving from the area where they were getting drugs really helped. Like, I'm trying to give him this one last chance by letting him move with me, but I'm worn out from all of the negativity of his drug abuse. Any comments or feedback will be appreciated.
Love and light,
YG
I have been MIA for some time now due to the LARGE amount of change that has transpired in my life. For those of you who have been posting, I'm sorry that I have not had a chance to get on here and offer comfort when comfort and an ear were needed. So many times, I got on this site for consolation and was immediately granted as such. I feel bad that I have not been able to been the same kind of ear, eyes, and shoulder as others have been to me - so first, I want to say "Thank you."
Since I last wrote, I moved out of my husband’s house in with a friend. I wore out (or my dog wore out) my welcome after two weeks and I found myself back in the house my husband was renting. When I was gone, there were promises of not using, not harassing me to use my car, not asking for money after he has given it to me (he tries to get me to manage his money), etc. Of course, that didn't last very long.
So, for the past couple of months, I have been living with my husband. He has been working out of town and spending most nights of the week in other parts of the state, so I have been alone. However, when he comes back into town, he immediately uses. I understand that he is trying to not use. I understand that he is disgusted with himself and that he is miserable. I get that. But, it doesn't change his actions. He still uses.
I have, in the mean time, gotten a new position working with a LARGE pharmaceutical firm and have DOUBLED my salary with the new position. As soon as the offer was made, I booked a home. I have been looking for some time, but never had the means to get out. So, I was made a path.
The lease, lights, water, and internet are all in my name. I came up with the security deposit on my own, even though I was unemployed for a week. My husband wanted to move with me, wants to move with me. But, in the past two weeks, he has really done poorly with his finances and I'm going to have to keep fronting out the money to get US going. First month’s rent and a light security deposit are due this Friday and he's not going to have his half. Additionally, I even OFFERED to pay the first month if he would get the transmission in his (MY) truck fixed so we would have a truck to assist with the move and, well, to have a truck. Because he spent the majority of his check on drugs, he can't get his truck fixed. Because he continues to lie out of work and spend what money he does have on drugs (or the majority of), he won't have the 1240$ that we need on this Friday to get up and running. I can afford it on my own, it would suck, but I can.
Last night, when he got in from work, he immediately asked to use my car to get some drugs. If I don't let him do what he wants, he yells and throws things, and becomes verbally abusive. When he got back, he asked me to use the car again and to give him money to go back. It was his money, but technically, it was the money that we need to move. Not to mention, he's behind on his truck payment.
So, I left. I spent the night in the new house and slept on the floor with my dog. I just know that he's still going to want to move with me. And so I'm looking for feedback from people who have moved with an addict spouse and whether moving from the area where they were getting drugs really helped. Like, I'm trying to give him this one last chance by letting him move with me, but I'm worn out from all of the negativity of his drug abuse. Any comments or feedback will be appreciated.
Love and light,
YG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
An addict will find their fix... no matter where they are.
You don't need his drama. You don't need his money. You have to ask yourself this: what ARE you getting out of this relationship?
What do you really expect to happen with this "one last chance" -- he will recover? It doesn't sound like he's working any program, he's not getting better... it's not going to get better just because you move and he follows... and you'll have an unwanted houseguest that is going to be harder to get rid of once he's there.
He's already failed in his part of the obligation. Tell him that you're sorry, but since he can't come up with his part, he can't stay there. Then let him deal with his own consequences, and support yourself.
You don't need his drama. You don't need his money. You have to ask yourself this: what ARE you getting out of this relationship?
What do you really expect to happen with this "one last chance" -- he will recover? It doesn't sound like he's working any program, he's not getting better... it's not going to get better just because you move and he follows... and you'll have an unwanted houseguest that is going to be harder to get rid of once he's there.
He's already failed in his part of the obligation. Tell him that you're sorry, but since he can't come up with his part, he can't stay there. Then let him deal with his own consequences, and support yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 157
I can understand wanting to give him a second chance. You said he has been working out of town every day, but then when he comes home he uses. Does he use when he is out of town? What triggers him to use when he comes home? Is he socializing with people who are using?
Im sure he does feel miserable and wants to stop, that is the cruel aspect of addiction. Once it becomes more than casual use the brain becomes affected and it turns into an actual disease, and the drive to use is powerful, his mind thinks its necessary for survival like air or water. To have lucid moments, to realize this about yourself, it would be a nightmare. I do have sympathy for all who suffer from addiction. My husband told me the other day it was like his whole body was begging him for one line of cocaine.
Its sounds like you are doing great for yourself with a new job, and taking control of a better living situation. I would hate for him to ruin it because it sounds like he cant hold onto a penny he makes. I also feel like the behaviors where he gets angry and abusive would wear you down. My husband was like that while high during a certain period of time, and it had my thinking all screwed up. I wouldnt want you to get stuck because I know I never want to go back to that.
Im sure he does feel miserable and wants to stop, that is the cruel aspect of addiction. Once it becomes more than casual use the brain becomes affected and it turns into an actual disease, and the drive to use is powerful, his mind thinks its necessary for survival like air or water. To have lucid moments, to realize this about yourself, it would be a nightmare. I do have sympathy for all who suffer from addiction. My husband told me the other day it was like his whole body was begging him for one line of cocaine.
Its sounds like you are doing great for yourself with a new job, and taking control of a better living situation. I would hate for him to ruin it because it sounds like he cant hold onto a penny he makes. I also feel like the behaviors where he gets angry and abusive would wear you down. My husband was like that while high during a certain period of time, and it had my thinking all screwed up. I wouldnt want you to get stuck because I know I never want to go back to that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I understand that he is disgusted with himself and that he is miserable. I get that.
I'm trying to give him this one last chance by letting him move with me
You are his enabler, you provide money and transportation so he can purchase drugs. Changing your address is not the solution - changing your thinking is!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by atalose 
He's not intersted in recovery no matter where you/he live, it's just going to be the same as it was at your old address.
You are his enabler, you provide money and transportation so he can purchase drugs. Changing your address is not the solution - changing your thinking is!
You are his enabler, you provide money and transportation so he can purchase drugs. Changing your address is not the solution - changing your thinking is!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: In bizarroworld
Posts: 94
Originally Posted by Yogagurl
I have, in the mean time, gotten a new position working with a LARGE pharmaceutical firm and have DOUBLED my salary with the new position. As soon as the offer was made, I booked a home. I have been looking for some time, but never had the means to get out. So, I was made a path.
I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh but I've given my AEXB a million "second chances" and it always ended up with him leaving to use and me being mentally and emotionally shredded. I had to give him up to God and walk away and it was just a couple of days ago that he showed up at a meeting. I have no expectations that anything is going to change because I'm so beaten that I don't really care. I don't want what I went through to happen to anyone else (although, from reading here on SR, I have seen that it has).
Do you and let him do him. Actions, not words tell the truth about a person.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Yes...you made your path and kuddos to you!
Don't look at his potential...look at the NOW!
Now he is using and now you need peace from the chaos.
Go ahead with your move. Let him feel the pain of his addiction-full on pain. It may just motivate him to do something about it.
Then, lay your boundaries. Perhaps....one your of sobriety/recovery before you move in with each other.
Good luck! I know it's soooo difficult.
Don't look at his potential...look at the NOW!
Now he is using and now you need peace from the chaos.
Go ahead with your move. Let him feel the pain of his addiction-full on pain. It may just motivate him to do something about it.
Then, lay your boundaries. Perhaps....one your of sobriety/recovery before you move in with each other.
Good luck! I know it's soooo difficult.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Just leave him and cut off contact. Don't take his money and don't loan him money. Tell him he needs to make his way. Hopefully, he will get his act together at some point in his life, but you can't help him do that. In fact enabling is hurting him. The reality is that no contact would give you both the best shot at a happy life for now. I wish both of you the best, but you really need to take care of self first.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
when he gets arrested driving YOUR car, you will be liable to get it out of impound.
how will you get to work?
when he loses his job, he will be sitting in the new house, then you will start to see things disappear and his temper may escalate.
re-read your post, if this were someone else, what would you tell them?
how will you get to work?
when he loses his job, he will be sitting in the new house, then you will start to see things disappear and his temper may escalate.
re-read your post, if this were someone else, what would you tell them?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
When is it OK for an adult to scream and throw things if someone doesn't do what he or she wants? And what message are you giving him when you accept such behavior? Maybe you complained or declared that such behavior was not acceptable (which was a favorite tactic of mine -- and then when it happened again, I stated how I felt, again... what a pathetic, passive-aggressive thing to do), but it's pretty toothless because it looks like you've always got his back. What are you really saying when you hem and haw about "helping" him?
On these boards, I often notice that some folks tend to elevate the spousal relationship to something divine. Yes, I am well aware that there are those with religious beliefs that, in fact, do view a marriage as a holy union, but I refuse to accept any concept of a deity that wants us to be abused and dehumanized by another person, let alone by one's spouse. His behavior stems from his illness, and the drug use is a symptom, but that's not to say that he's not responsible for what he does. He is choosing.
At some point, you will need to accept that you are not only enabling him to continue coasting along in his addiction (his suffering), but that you are the one nourishing your own suffering (your addiction). Spend some time in your head/heart/soul and take a good look around – pick up things and really examine them. Is this really love? Is this really compassion? For him? For yourself?
You started this thread because things don't feel right. That's an important first step, but I advise you to look inward rather than outward – that's where you're likely to find some answers.
Lastly, I wish you peace and happiness; truly, I do.
On these boards, I often notice that some folks tend to elevate the spousal relationship to something divine. Yes, I am well aware that there are those with religious beliefs that, in fact, do view a marriage as a holy union, but I refuse to accept any concept of a deity that wants us to be abused and dehumanized by another person, let alone by one's spouse. His behavior stems from his illness, and the drug use is a symptom, but that's not to say that he's not responsible for what he does. He is choosing.
At some point, you will need to accept that you are not only enabling him to continue coasting along in his addiction (his suffering), but that you are the one nourishing your own suffering (your addiction). Spend some time in your head/heart/soul and take a good look around – pick up things and really examine them. Is this really love? Is this really compassion? For him? For yourself?
You started this thread because things don't feel right. That's an important first step, but I advise you to look inward rather than outward – that's where you're likely to find some answers.
Lastly, I wish you peace and happiness; truly, I do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
I dont share your exact experience, but my husband is in rehab right now and I am learning about what types of things trigger him, and what thought processes get kicked off. Moving away from the environment would help him, but I dont think it will heal him. I believe that addiction is a disease, and it needs professional help to recover from, and then there will still be chance for relapse. I am married, and I respect my wedding vows as Im sure you do. Im proud to say that. (I dont feel their is enough respect for marriage on this site myself). But, I wouldnt stay with my husband if he was abusive and not willing to accept medical help to recover.
I think you have a good opportunity here to encourage him to seek help with this move you are making. Its obvious you still have hope he can recover, and maybe there is a chance the relationship can be restored. All this talk of an addict hitting rock bottom is disturbing to me, and Ive been told it is dangerous to think this way. Addiction is progressive, and it can take its time or move like lightening. My husband relapsed and went from snorting a couple lines of coke, to being unconscious in a drug house shooting IV drugs in a matter of months. He almost died of an infection, internal bleeding, and spent weeks in the hospital before he went to rehab.
Has your husband ever received any help for his addiction? Does he have a doctor, or anyone to call for help? If I were you, I would allow him to move with me only if he entered some type of treatment, preferable inpatient for as long as possible so he can let his brain heal, and he can begin to understand his addiction, and work with doctors who can develop a plan specifically for him, that give him the best odds at recovery. Would he be covered under your insurance with your new job? See what is available, do some research and then present it to him. This is my suggestion.
Leave it open for him as long as you want, but if he wont go for it right now, then move without him. Its both a positive incentive for him, and allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions. When my husband was threatening to leave rehab, the doctor, his parents, they all told me I had to tell him that if he left he could come home (in our case its shared home) but (( I )) would be moving out until he went back in for medical care. He stayed, is still there.
You asked for comments, and this is mine.
I think you have a good opportunity here to encourage him to seek help with this move you are making. Its obvious you still have hope he can recover, and maybe there is a chance the relationship can be restored. All this talk of an addict hitting rock bottom is disturbing to me, and Ive been told it is dangerous to think this way. Addiction is progressive, and it can take its time or move like lightening. My husband relapsed and went from snorting a couple lines of coke, to being unconscious in a drug house shooting IV drugs in a matter of months. He almost died of an infection, internal bleeding, and spent weeks in the hospital before he went to rehab.
Has your husband ever received any help for his addiction? Does he have a doctor, or anyone to call for help? If I were you, I would allow him to move with me only if he entered some type of treatment, preferable inpatient for as long as possible so he can let his brain heal, and he can begin to understand his addiction, and work with doctors who can develop a plan specifically for him, that give him the best odds at recovery. Would he be covered under your insurance with your new job? See what is available, do some research and then present it to him. This is my suggestion.
Leave it open for him as long as you want, but if he wont go for it right now, then move without him. Its both a positive incentive for him, and allowing him to feel the consequences of his actions. When my husband was threatening to leave rehab, the doctor, his parents, they all told me I had to tell him that if he left he could come home (in our case its shared home) but (( I )) would be moving out until he went back in for medical care. He stayed, is still there.
You asked for comments, and this is mine.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
A boundary is a statement of what you will or won't live with. For example, I will not live with an active addict. Or I will not live with someone who cannot or won't pay their fair share of expenses. Or I will not live with someone who throws things and verbally and emotionally abuses me.
A consequence is what happens to the addict when they cross your boundary. If you say you will not live an active addict, then the consequence to the addict when he or she drinks, drugs, is that they don't get to live with you.
Right now you are the engine pulling his caboose down the tracks. You work, you pay, you improve your life, and he does nothing except hitch onto your effort and success and drag along behind you.
You don't have to do this. In fact, I think the question is why WOULD you do this?
From those of us with addicted partners, the consensus is that we'll never get a healthy independent partner to share life with when we solve the other guy's problems for them. They like their addictions, they like their freeloading, they like to be taken care of and have no responsibility at all and feel free to behave as badly as they want to.
The only possibility of getting them to stop hanging on is to cut them off. For a number of addicts, the turning point is when they are left to their own devices without all the props from their enabler.
So, unhitch his caboose. Live in your own house by yourself, paying your own way, working your new job, building your new life.
If he wants to be a true partner with you, he'll get his act together. That's his to do, and you need to let him have the opportunity to face his addiction head-on without your paying him to hide from it.
And it is fair for you to lead your own life, and to be free to grow healthier and healthier.
Take what you want and leave the rest, written with great compassion.
I've been there. Ran away from my abusive porn addicted alcoholic husband of 20 years a year ago on July 4th. He did make what I guess I'd call an "interim recovery" - cut down the addictions, managed his drinking pretty well though he didn't quit. He wanted me back, but after much soul searching and grief, I chose to stay on my own.
And I am healthier and happier than I have been in 20 years.
ShootingStar1
A consequence is what happens to the addict when they cross your boundary. If you say you will not live an active addict, then the consequence to the addict when he or she drinks, drugs, is that they don't get to live with you.
Right now you are the engine pulling his caboose down the tracks. You work, you pay, you improve your life, and he does nothing except hitch onto your effort and success and drag along behind you.
You don't have to do this. In fact, I think the question is why WOULD you do this?
From those of us with addicted partners, the consensus is that we'll never get a healthy independent partner to share life with when we solve the other guy's problems for them. They like their addictions, they like their freeloading, they like to be taken care of and have no responsibility at all and feel free to behave as badly as they want to.
The only possibility of getting them to stop hanging on is to cut them off. For a number of addicts, the turning point is when they are left to their own devices without all the props from their enabler.
So, unhitch his caboose. Live in your own house by yourself, paying your own way, working your new job, building your new life.
If he wants to be a true partner with you, he'll get his act together. That's his to do, and you need to let him have the opportunity to face his addiction head-on without your paying him to hide from it.
And it is fair for you to lead your own life, and to be free to grow healthier and healthier.
Take what you want and leave the rest, written with great compassion.
I've been there. Ran away from my abusive porn addicted alcoholic husband of 20 years a year ago on July 4th. He did make what I guess I'd call an "interim recovery" - cut down the addictions, managed his drinking pretty well though he didn't quit. He wanted me back, but after much soul searching and grief, I chose to stay on my own.
And I am healthier and happier than I have been in 20 years.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
My husband and I had to make the very difficult decision to allow our son to find his way out of his problems. We now realize our trying to help only prolonged his seeking recovery. I too feel marital vows are very important, however, you are not a punching bag and you are not there to babysit him nor pay for his half of things that he has spent on drugs. By allowing him to move in with you with nothing to offer, I have to wonder what he will be bringing besides headaches and turmoil. Have you ever given him an ultimatum? Does he have benefits to stay at rehab? I am asking the same questions as Bluechair and agree with her. By doing what she says above, you are allowing him to make that decision. I hope it works out for you as I know tough love is hard...........but it works!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
"I am married, and I respect my wedding vows as Im sure you do. Im proud to say that. (I dont feel their is enough respect for marriage on this site myself)."
@Blue Chair, I really feel the need to state this. There is plenty of respect for marriage on this site. I'm not here for my partner but am for my son. However, every single day I see husbands and wives on this site who are at their bitter end. They have been trying, often for YEARS (not months), to support, encourage, not enable, work, support the children, to hold themselves up, to keep their marriages together, all while their partner is out doing who knows what WITH who knows who. At some point....when all else fails...just like in the titanic....you have to save yourself.
The issue is not whether the individuals on this site have respect for marriage. The issue IS whether or not the addicts have any respect at all...for themselves mainly....let alone their marriages.
I would really like to be able to offer you support when you ask for it but frankly, statements such at these really turn me off.
@Blue Chair, I really feel the need to state this. There is plenty of respect for marriage on this site. I'm not here for my partner but am for my son. However, every single day I see husbands and wives on this site who are at their bitter end. They have been trying, often for YEARS (not months), to support, encourage, not enable, work, support the children, to hold themselves up, to keep their marriages together, all while their partner is out doing who knows what WITH who knows who. At some point....when all else fails...just like in the titanic....you have to save yourself.
The issue is not whether the individuals on this site have respect for marriage. The issue IS whether or not the addicts have any respect at all...for themselves mainly....let alone their marriages.
I would really like to be able to offer you support when you ask for it but frankly, statements such at these really turn me off.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I'm sorry Yogagurl! Please forgive me! I wanted to tell you "AWESOME on the new job!!!". How wonderful for you that whatever you decide, after weighing your options, you now have the means to support yourself fully! That is incredible. I'm really, really happy for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
Originally Posted by lizwig
"I am married, and I respect my wedding vows as Im sure you do. Im proud to say that. (I dont feel their is enough respect for marriage on this site myself)."
@Blue Chair, I really feel the need to state this. There is plenty of respect for marriage on this site. I'm not here for my partner but am for my son. However, every single day I see husbands and wives on this site who are at their bitter end. They have been trying, often for YEARS (not months), to support, encourage, not enable, work, support the children, to hold themselves up, to keep their marriages together, all while their partner is out doing who knows what WITH who knows who. At some point....when all else fails...just like in the titanic....you have to save yourself.
The issue is not whether the individuals on this site have respect for marriage. The issue IS whether or not the addicts have any respect at all...for themselves mainly....let alone their marriages.
I would really like to be able to offer you support when you ask for it but frankly, statements such at these really turn me off.
@Blue Chair, I really feel the need to state this. There is plenty of respect for marriage on this site. I'm not here for my partner but am for my son. However, every single day I see husbands and wives on this site who are at their bitter end. They have been trying, often for YEARS (not months), to support, encourage, not enable, work, support the children, to hold themselves up, to keep their marriages together, all while their partner is out doing who knows what WITH who knows who. At some point....when all else fails...just like in the titanic....you have to save yourself.
The issue is not whether the individuals on this site have respect for marriage. The issue IS whether or not the addicts have any respect at all...for themselves mainly....let alone their marriages.
I would really like to be able to offer you support when you ask for it but frankly, statements such at these really turn me off.
I was told by the moderator we are not supposed to debate each others personal views, but share our own thoughts and experiences as it relates to the person who posted the topic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
If he doesn't want to get better he will keep making you feel sorry for him. He loses financially if you leave. You lose your hope in the idea its getting better before it gets worse. It will get worse before it gets better. I did it. It got worse and I stuck it out. Its exhausting! I kicked him out and After 8 months... terrible months he went to jail.. sobered up and finally admitted and asked for help. He started trying to recover 3 years ago.... and now... Bc all else failed hes going to a 14 month program. Its life or death with my AH. We are codependants. We need help too. Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
Dear all:
Thank you all for all of the responses, well wishes, experienced, and support! I think that he truly needs to seek his own recovery, but I don't foresee that happening. There's this part of me that tells me to hold on to give it "all I got," which is really sick considering the amount of abuse that I have taken from him. I have always justified his actions with his addiction, as if he is really better person. "His mood swings are a result of a chemical imbalance, he doesn't mean it. He is just angry with himself, so he takes it out on me; I feel bad for him. If he can just make it till we move, things will get better when he's not so close to drug dealers." The thing is, I have carried the financial responsibility for everything. Insurance, vehicles, utilities. His credit will not allow him to finance a loaf of bread. So, in essence, there is a feeling of guilt knowing that I am moving on with a beautiful life instead of letting him tag along. And truly, that is all he has done. He's been dead weight since day one. He tries to redeem himself through kind actions and words, but that doesn't mean that the good outweighs the bad, even remotely. I think it is more of the avoidance of his reaction that is making me straddle the fence more than anything. He's so volatile and I find it easier to be passive than to put up a fight, even though I'm not setting firm boundaries. To answer question from above, no, he hasn't sought treatment and he doesn't attempt to work ANY kind of a recovery program. He is definitely chemically imbalanced, aside from active drug use, but does not seek the appropriate medical treatment to help himself. Every time there's an arguement or he's spent every dime he has, pawned everything, whatever, he will SAY he is going to see a doctor, but nothing happens. He just keeps running the wheel and I'm in the one right next to him.
Thank you all for all of the responses, well wishes, experienced, and support! I think that he truly needs to seek his own recovery, but I don't foresee that happening. There's this part of me that tells me to hold on to give it "all I got," which is really sick considering the amount of abuse that I have taken from him. I have always justified his actions with his addiction, as if he is really better person. "His mood swings are a result of a chemical imbalance, he doesn't mean it. He is just angry with himself, so he takes it out on me; I feel bad for him. If he can just make it till we move, things will get better when he's not so close to drug dealers." The thing is, I have carried the financial responsibility for everything. Insurance, vehicles, utilities. His credit will not allow him to finance a loaf of bread. So, in essence, there is a feeling of guilt knowing that I am moving on with a beautiful life instead of letting him tag along. And truly, that is all he has done. He's been dead weight since day one. He tries to redeem himself through kind actions and words, but that doesn't mean that the good outweighs the bad, even remotely. I think it is more of the avoidance of his reaction that is making me straddle the fence more than anything. He's so volatile and I find it easier to be passive than to put up a fight, even though I'm not setting firm boundaries. To answer question from above, no, he hasn't sought treatment and he doesn't attempt to work ANY kind of a recovery program. He is definitely chemically imbalanced, aside from active drug use, but does not seek the appropriate medical treatment to help himself. Every time there's an arguement or he's spent every dime he has, pawned everything, whatever, he will SAY he is going to see a doctor, but nothing happens. He just keeps running the wheel and I'm in the one right next to him.
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