Bad moods - both of us

Old 09-25-2013, 09:15 AM
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Bad moods - both of us

Its been a couple weeks since Ive been around mostly because work and school, have me exhausted. Why did I think I could do both while pregnant? I know people have it worse, but its hard adjusting so far. I am still going to sessions with the addiction doctor, but I had to cancel this week because of a a paper Im writing for class, needing to do research for it after work.

My husband, he is also seeing the addiction doctor and they have a plan for his care. He stopped using over a week ago, and has been unpleasant to be around for the most part. He is short tempered, cant sleep, not eating well, complaining all the time about any tiny thing; not necessarily complaining to me but I can hear him talking to himself; the F** toothpaste cap fell off, or he cant find some papers for work, anything. He also has this temper, again not directed at me but he has been smashing and breaking things. Nothing huge, but a broken glass, crumpled pop cans, smashed up a bag of tomotoes because one fell out of the bag. At work I guess he was pushing some of his team too hard, and one of them complained, so his boss asked him what was going on, assumes it is because he is going to be a new dad soon, and had him take the team out to lunch and then let everyone go home early.

I know the emotional aspects of coke use can be hard, and that is what he is experiencing. I hope it passes soon. I know this is probably a bad sign, but last Saturday he went to a football game with friends (not the drug friends) and he had a couple drinks. He wasnt drunk but came home in a better mood, told me and then acted like I was going to whip him for it. I said no, I understood but drinking wouldnt fix the coke problem. He knows this. Its hard to believe a few drinks could ease his mood, but it seemed to. Yes i fell for the sweet romantic passionate man that he turned into for the rest of the night. For the most part I reinforced his bad behavior with my physical responses, but I had missed him and to be honest, I felt like I needed a reprieve myself.

Does this sound along the lines of how it works when someone gets off coke at first?

Better news, all is ok with the baby coming. my blood pressure was off the other day and I was feeling sick. Husband bought a blood pressure monitor for home so I check it everyday.
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:28 AM
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Hi onenight, this is a link to an article that you might find helpful.

http://poppswebsite.com/awareness/po...withdrawal-paw

Good luck!
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Old 09-25-2013, 09:34 AM
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Hey One,

Originally Posted by OneNightAWeek View Post
Does this sound along the lines of how it works when someone gets off coke at first?
Firstly, everything you described he's going through is exactly the same as what I've experienced coming off of coke, and amphetamines, and ecstacy, and even weed.
I think it's normal to have those symptoms coming off of a number of drugs, even prescription meds. My view is that the body's chemistry is re-adjusting to normality and it takes time to settle down and start its own hormone production again properly. Seems perfectly rational and nearly all of us go through similar symptoms of moodiness and wotnot.

I'm certainly no joy to be around during withdrawal from any drug so I can empathise with him, and you. I've done and said far worse things during past withdrawals so I think if you can grin & bear it as much as you can you may feel less pressurised yourself. Nobody's perfect and has all the tools on-hand to cope well at all times in their lives.


Better news, all is ok with the baby coming. my blood pressure was off the other day and I was feeling sick. Husband bought a blood pressure monitor for home so I check it everyday.
Well there's at least one positive to focus on. Glad to hear your future minime is doing ok.

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Old 09-25-2013, 10:55 AM
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I accepted bad behavior that was not really directed at me either but still had me feeling very anxious. But of course I made excuses and figured it would pass. It would for a while, then a relapse started it all over again.

The funny part is my husband was not overly understanding about my hormonal issues. He would never have tolerated me acting like such a "crazy" person. That's when I realized how "out of balance" my marriage had become. My norm had become very sick and distorted without me even realizing it.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:23 AM
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Thanks everyone. I will read the link you gave me. Its good to hear from a couple of you to confirm this is sort of normal behavior. The doctor told me it would be rough for a while, but its good to hear it from people who have gone through it. Any idea how long it will last?

Husband hasnt been taking his bad moods out on me so far, yes he has been short a few times, but I can tell he is trying not to let it affect us. When I come home after class, usually it is after he gets home now. He has dinner there for both of us and he waits for me. I cant say he has been cooking a lot, but he buys carry out from restaurants and is trying to get healthy meals, and we put together a salad to go with it or something. We did open a bank account to save for the baby, and he put about $3000 in it so far. It is in my name only, but he can make deposits. He insisted on that because he knows Im feeling insecure.

It would be hard if he gets through this and relapses and has to go through it again, and again. I can see that. But this is serious stuff here, and Im proud of him for trying. I know he has a goal of being past a lot of this before the baby comes. I dont know how it will work out. I know the pull of coke is strong and he has told me already one hit and he would feel so much better, his body is begging him for it. I dont know how I will deal with it if he gives up.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:31 AM
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I am wondering if he is getting any additional support besides the addiction doctor?

Perhaps AA; NA; etc....
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:35 AM
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The doctor suggested he join an outpatient program through his clinic. There is a new session starting up at the beginning of the month. He has said he cant do it because of his work schedule, but we talked about it again and he said maybe he can find a way. He is not interested in NA/AA really. I tried alanon, and one nar anon meeting, but also I think they are not for me. I dont have time to go anyway with so much going on. I think the outpatient would be good for him, he would have some group therapy there too, and maybe it would help get him through this rough stage his has going on. I think it last a month.
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Old 09-25-2013, 11:37 AM
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Be careful, there is nothing "normal" to anything related to addiction.

Glad to hear you are feeling good, eating healthy and now have a baby account in your name only.
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Old 09-26-2013, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by OneNightAWeek View Post
I dont know how I will deal with it if he gives up.
and what if he does? then what?

now this is not up to you...Its all him for to decide this..

i feel everything you have written so far is all about him....

if you dont want al anon, how about a councellor? or church?
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Old 09-26-2013, 01:31 PM
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I started seeing an addiction doctor around the same time I started trying alanon. He has been helpful to me, I have no complaints. He works with family as well as addicts/alcoholics.

I started my post with what I have been doing. Since all this hit, I have went back to work full time (was working part time hours), I did this in case i have ot leave him, in case he dies, in case he gets fired. The list could go on I guess. I want to make sure I have health insurance available if I need to go on it, for me and the baby. I am finishing up my grad studies, will be done in the spring. Im focused very much on baby things when I have spare time. I joined a group for expectant moms, and a yoga class that is gentle exercise for pregnant women. I can continue it all through I hope. Trying to eat right, that has been a struggle for me to give up certain things (should post about this later). Reading baby books, buying things already for baby. Most of my time is spent on me, but Im also trying to support him, be encouraging, have an idea what he is going through so I know what is real and what could be lies. Do I want to end things, not now. I will NEVER go back to how things were when I first found out he was using, and the way I let him treat me those many weeks. NEVER. Thats why Im trying so hard, and why Im here on this site reading (more than I post, I read, I learn, I think).
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Old 09-26-2013, 03:18 PM
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Personally, I now find being around people throwing "temper tantrums" unacceptable for any reason. It is amazing to me now how I used to make excuses, justify or minimize unacceptable behavior all under the guise of being supportive and loving.

My husbands drug problem was not mine, it was his and his alone. Under no circumstances, should I ever have allowed his consequences to his choices in my home a place a refuge or my life. But it took a while before I finally grasped that. My own fears, obligation and guilt kept me stuck and in a fog.
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Old 09-28-2013, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNow View Post
Personally, I now find being around people throwing "temper tantrums" unacceptable for any reason. It is amazing to me now how I used to make excuses, justify or minimize unacceptable behavior all under the guise of being supportive and loving.

My husbands drug problem was not mine, it was his and his alone. Under no circumstances, should I ever have allowed his consequences to his choices in my home a place a refuge or my life. But it took a while before I finally grasped that. My own fears, obligation and guilt kept me stuck and in a fog.
My husband is going through withdrawals and I can excuse his tomato smashing behavior. I hope we can laugh about it one day.

I am pregnant, and its early, but my physical problems have affected him. Morning sickness, bad moods, crying spells, blood sugar being off, trying to give up caffeine, blood pressure being off, trips to the ER.

Maybe seeing how he has handled these things with me, has given me the ability to be a little more compassionate with him. I dont feel like Im afraid, obligated, or guilty. He is my husband and we have a good life. Im not bailin on him at the first sign of trouble, especially not now that he is getting help. But I am preparing for myself and our child if it all goes wrong.
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Old 09-28-2013, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by OneNightAWeek View Post
My husband is going through withdrawals and I can excuse his tomato smashing behavior. I hope we can laugh about it one day.

I am pregnant, and its early, but my physical problems have affected him. Morning sickness, bad moods, crying spells, blood sugar being off, trying to give up caffeine, blood pressure being off, trips to the ER.

Maybe seeing how he has handled these things with me, has given me the ability to be a little more compassionate with him. I dont feel like Im afraid, obligated, or guilty. He is my husband and we have a good life. Im not bailin on him at the first sign of trouble, especially not now that he is getting help. But I am preparing for myself and our child if it all goes wrong.
Yes, drug withdrawals and bringing a new life into the world are on the same level. Keep going to meetings! They work if work it.
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Old 09-28-2013, 05:16 PM
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coke is out of the system in about THREE days....then there are no physical w/ds....it's all mental. without a program of some sort, or an absolute COMMITTMENT to not using again EVER, the mind stays stuck on cravings.

none of that is an excuse for a bad mood....he can go for a walk, mow the yard, paint the nursery, do something NICE for YOU. not sit there and pout and flounce an be a jerk. if he can't handle THIS how on earth is he going to handle a newborn, and the crying, and the feedings, lack of sleep, colic, ear infections, someone other than HIM being king baby????? guess you better buy a lot of tomatoes.

you continue to excuse bad behavior. you continue to ACCEPT bad behavior.
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Old 09-28-2013, 05:27 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
coke is out of the system in about THREE days....then there are no physical w/ds....it's all mental. without a program of some sort, or an absolute COMMITTMENT to not using again EVER, the mind stays stuck on cravings.

none of that is an excuse for a bad mood....he can go for a walk, mow the yard, paint the nursery, do something NICE for YOU. not sit there and pout and flounce an be a jerk. if he can't handle THIS how on earth is he going to handle a newborn, and the crying, and the feedings, lack of sleep, colic, ear infections, someone other than HIM being king baby????? guess you better buy a lot of tomatoes.

you continue to excuse bad behavior. you continue to ACCEPT bad behavior.
He is always doing nice things for me. He tries to keep his bad mood to himself, of course I pick up on it. He been short with words a few times, but never directed his bad mood at me. I wasnt even in the kitchen when he went after the tomato bag. I saw the aftermath, he had it all cleaned up but they were sitting there in the bag all smooshed. I asked what happened, and he said one fell out and he tried to pick it up and it rolled and he lost his mind and smooshed them all. He bought more. He was out buying fresh vegetables because he wants me to eat healthy. He is being active also, he cleaned out a room for the baby, and has primed it, ready for me to pick out the new paint color. Put $3000 in the new account we set up for the baby, and scary to think that would have been spent on drugs? I can see he is making an effort.

He is working with an addiction doctor, and he may be entering their evening outpatient program at the first of the month. He does have to leave work early to get there, and it last for a month I think. I say he "may" because he says he is going to, but since it hasnt started yet, well we cant take him at his word can we?

Im just glad he didnt throw me out for my morning sickness when the carpet took the hit, and he cleaned it while I wailed "how will I ever make it through this !"
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Old 09-29-2013, 08:25 PM
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Parenting is scary and hard work. Having an addict as your partner can be the opposite of the help a single parent needs. Being alone in parenting is super hard, but it may actually be easier than the chaos, or even just the lack of true loving connection. (Saying this to myself, trying to let it sink in. Despite so much evidence, my heart and tired, sore body are not all the way along to where my logic is).
I'm really glad to hear you are doing what you can to protect baby and yourself financially.my own experienceis that the stress of parenting I top of things resulted in relapses. Be prepared with a plan and a backup plan and a backup in case the backup plan fails too. No after how hard you think parenting is, it will still be harder thanyourexpections.

But. I don't want to just be negative. My kids also remind me, and require me to create safe loving space in my life every day, the inspire me and force me to keep going and expect more from myself and my relationships. I would not be trying so hard to manageand continue, to accomplish more, to allow myself smiles and peaceful play without them. Sometimes I don't feel likeim worth it, but they always are.

I hope your pregnancy continues healthily and I send you courage to do all of the many right things you need to do to make the best mom for your little one.
Thank you for sharing.
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Old 09-30-2013, 07:55 AM
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Thank you sevenofnine,

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about our being first time parents, and how that will fit in with his stress level, and triggers for drug use. Even if he gets clean right now, he wont be that many months into recovery, learning to use the skills he will learn, apply them to situations, and feelings.

I know relapse is common especially early on, It weighs on me, and I talk about it in the counseling sessions already. Im doing my best to put one foot in front of the other while trying to do all the things I think will lead me to solid ground no matter what.

I am lucky that I have a supportive family, and I know on a moments notice I could pack up and head to my mom and dads, even with a screaming infant they would be happy to have us there. I guess that is one of my backup plans. Im also socking away all of my paycheck right now. When I increased my hours at work, my husband was upset by the decision. In the end, he understands Im afraid though, and while I think he views my fear as temporary, he told me to hoard it all away so I would feel more secure. I do actually. I will have a nest egg all my own built up before the baby comes, just in case we run into problems. It would help to know what other actions people took to secure themselves, those who have decided to stay and ride it out, taking the hopeful wait and see approach. Maybe I will make a new thread asking that one.
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Old 10-01-2013, 04:34 PM
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Glad you have family around! We can support you emotionally and share experiences, but SR can't do middle of the night feedings or buy you diapers!
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