I'm Back ---- Waivering Decisions --- What the hell is wrong with me?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
His addiction is HIS problem..he is NOT doing anything to "recover" except ride your coattails... sign the stupid truck over to him and cut him loose.
git while the gittin' is good....you deserve peace, happiness and how about a person who has no problems who could laugh with you,take you out and let you enjoy an evening? wow? do you remember what THAT feels like?
git while the gittin' is good....you deserve peace, happiness and how about a person who has no problems who could laugh with you,take you out and let you enjoy an evening? wow? do you remember what THAT feels like?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 261
No, I don't remember a lot of things. You just get so warped in the addiction, its like it ownes you just as much as it owns the addict. I see the same story here over and over, sub names,and its all the same. Break free of the addict is the theme. When did we stop owning ourselves?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The thing is, I have carried the financial responsibility for everything.
which means, even with the BEST of intentions, you've helped finance his addiction. which is not YOUR fault....that's a thing that some addicts do....find someone to "take care" of them, poor helpless them. they act so inept, so unsure, so.....god.....NEEDY. and we fall for it. our maternal/codependent side rises to the occasion.
and here we are, years later....stuck with as you said, dead weight.
LET HIM GO. he had years to watch you...to learn how to run a household, be responsible, pay bills....basic living skills....yet he choose to stay stupid. much easier than getting off his duff and doing ANYTHING.
make a clean break. let him go follow his path. you follow yours.
which means, even with the BEST of intentions, you've helped finance his addiction. which is not YOUR fault....that's a thing that some addicts do....find someone to "take care" of them, poor helpless them. they act so inept, so unsure, so.....god.....NEEDY. and we fall for it. our maternal/codependent side rises to the occasion.
and here we are, years later....stuck with as you said, dead weight.
LET HIM GO. he had years to watch you...to learn how to run a household, be responsible, pay bills....basic living skills....yet he choose to stay stupid. much easier than getting off his duff and doing ANYTHING.
make a clean break. let him go follow his path. you follow yours.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
you can do this, you landed a great job in pharma...you can do well and meet lots of people, how about concentrating on YOU and the dog? relax and realize how far you have come....you are being given an opportunity to save your buttismo..take it and run... I do not doubt that you did all that you could, but you deserve so much more with no upset, worry and addiction to upset you.
how about thinking about a new life with a person who would support you, respect you and make you feel happy? how about thinking of maybe one day owning a home and starting a family with a stable man?
how about thinking about going on vacation and relaxing.... smiling and sleeping with no pit in your stomach? (I love my little dog too)
how about thinking about a new life with a person who would support you, respect you and make you feel happy? how about thinking of maybe one day owning a home and starting a family with a stable man?
how about thinking about going on vacation and relaxing.... smiling and sleeping with no pit in your stomach? (I love my little dog too)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I know it is such a tough thing because your codependence kicks in and you feel so mean and awful for leaving him but you aren't mean or awful. You have done SO MUCH already and the fact that he refuses to get help shows you he is not willing to get better. YOU deserve to be happy and not have the dead weight anymore. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it hurt? Yes. Will you be happy and carefree soon after YUP! I think you've pretty much done as much as you can and now he has to learn to take care of himself. many rehabs now have dual diagnosis so he can get help for any disorders he may have. He has to want to get better though and as long as you finance everything for him and make his life cushy, why would he want to do that? Time to start thinking about what is best for YOU.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Knoxville, tn
Posts: 58
You took a very big and brave step in getting your own place and making sure that you would be settled. It's hard to let people we love go and have them pick a destructive path. It's heart breaking. Is it beneficial to your path to live with him? Will you be able to grow and live in peace? I know for me I want peace. I deserve peace. I know when my husband is actively using I don't get that peace. I hope you find peace and clarity and make the decision that best fits your life. I will be thinking of you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You need to quit making excuses for him. He's a grown man. He has a job. He has a problem. He needs to take care of it. As long as you're footing the bill for King Baby, he sees no reason to stop the MADNESS and get a grip on reality. You moving will not make him stop using. He will take your car n run to his dealers or he'll make a new dealer. He will steal your sh*t and pawn it because you spent all your money on food that he is inhaling. He will wreck your credit and bankrupt you. He will drive you to hell and drop you off.
Can I ask you a question? What do you want out of life?
I live with a very newly recovered alcoholic and I have told my AH, this is BULLSH*T!!! We make too much money together to be getting shutoff notices in the mail! His stupid sh*t was going to put him in the ground or make him wifeless! I married an amazing man! Not a effin drunk! I married a partner! Not an enemy! I've heard the, I'll stop! I love you! I don't want to do this to us... Don't sing it... BRING IT! ACTIONS are so much louder than words.
His ACTIONS that you posted tell me that he doesn't give a rat's ass about YOU! As long as you give him the keys to your car and money to buy dope... He's telling you to eff off. What are you going to do if he takes your only ride to work and wraps it around a tree? IT CAN HAPPEN!!! Ask me how I know?!!!
Can I ask you a question? What do you want out of life?
I live with a very newly recovered alcoholic and I have told my AH, this is BULLSH*T!!! We make too much money together to be getting shutoff notices in the mail! His stupid sh*t was going to put him in the ground or make him wifeless! I married an amazing man! Not a effin drunk! I married a partner! Not an enemy! I've heard the, I'll stop! I love you! I don't want to do this to us... Don't sing it... BRING IT! ACTIONS are so much louder than words.
His ACTIONS that you posted tell me that he doesn't give a rat's ass about YOU! As long as you give him the keys to your car and money to buy dope... He's telling you to eff off. What are you going to do if he takes your only ride to work and wraps it around a tree? IT CAN HAPPEN!!! Ask me how I know?!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
When my husband was actively using and was clear he did not want to stop, we separated. The situation was different, everyone’s is… he was working, paying half our bills, we had arguments but it was not an abusive situation. I just couldn’t tolerate his behaviors of lying, staying out half the night, my losing trust in him. Much later, after he had been through rehab, he told me it was my sense of self-preservation kicking in. But I knew nothing about addiction then, neither one of us or any of our families had addictions, he got hooked on prescription pain meds due to a sports injury. I thought he would come to his sense after a while and come home, but it took a year for him to come home.
I had to keep on living my life, focusing on my work, taking care of my son, spending time with family and friends. None of it was easy, so I know in some way how hard it is for you to be moving on without him. I think you are doing a great job taking care of yourself. I think you need to keep doing this. The answers you need are inside, and its ok that its not all clear in your mind right now. We need time to process things, and make decisions.
Looking back, I would have done a few things different. I would have tried to get my husband to accept help for his addiction while it was at an early stage, through his doctor of course. Early on, I don’t think he would have even needed rehab. But addiction is progressive, and like you are saying there are chemical imbalances going on, changes in the brain (you can look at brain scans at National Institute of Drug Abuse website). The changes are real, and they affect critical areas of thinking, feeling. So I wish I had used means that were available to me (unique to everyone and their own situation) to attempt this. This is one of my regrets. Some people regret doing too much, I regret not doing much of anything – all because I didn’t understand at the time. Once I learned about addiction, I had a lot more compassion, and understanding of his illness.
Personally, I like the suggestions where people gave you to perhaps look into treatment, especially if there is insurance, and offer him this help. It doesn’t mean you have to reunite by the way. The extent that we offer help /support is something we all have to decide individually. Right now your about to make a life change, and it might be inspirational for him. Just to make it clear, I don’t think it has to be a sacrifice of yourself in order to save another.
Another thing that helped me through my journey, when he was in rehab I worked with a therapist, and when I talked about my marriage, she asked me simple questions to get me to define the foundations of our relationship. What was it made of, was it strong, was it built out of love and other healthy things, was it real. And through this I had the answer I needed to move forward in trying to heal our marriage. It also works the other way around, those questions can help a person realize the marriage doesn’t have a strong foundation. So maybe thinking about this in terms of your own marriage would help.
Sorry you are going through this.
Its very exciting about your new job. You are going to be ok.
I had to keep on living my life, focusing on my work, taking care of my son, spending time with family and friends. None of it was easy, so I know in some way how hard it is for you to be moving on without him. I think you are doing a great job taking care of yourself. I think you need to keep doing this. The answers you need are inside, and its ok that its not all clear in your mind right now. We need time to process things, and make decisions.
Looking back, I would have done a few things different. I would have tried to get my husband to accept help for his addiction while it was at an early stage, through his doctor of course. Early on, I don’t think he would have even needed rehab. But addiction is progressive, and like you are saying there are chemical imbalances going on, changes in the brain (you can look at brain scans at National Institute of Drug Abuse website). The changes are real, and they affect critical areas of thinking, feeling. So I wish I had used means that were available to me (unique to everyone and their own situation) to attempt this. This is one of my regrets. Some people regret doing too much, I regret not doing much of anything – all because I didn’t understand at the time. Once I learned about addiction, I had a lot more compassion, and understanding of his illness.
Personally, I like the suggestions where people gave you to perhaps look into treatment, especially if there is insurance, and offer him this help. It doesn’t mean you have to reunite by the way. The extent that we offer help /support is something we all have to decide individually. Right now your about to make a life change, and it might be inspirational for him. Just to make it clear, I don’t think it has to be a sacrifice of yourself in order to save another.
Another thing that helped me through my journey, when he was in rehab I worked with a therapist, and when I talked about my marriage, she asked me simple questions to get me to define the foundations of our relationship. What was it made of, was it strong, was it built out of love and other healthy things, was it real. And through this I had the answer I needed to move forward in trying to heal our marriage. It also works the other way around, those questions can help a person realize the marriage doesn’t have a strong foundation. So maybe thinking about this in terms of your own marriage would help.
Sorry you are going through this.
Its very exciting about your new job. You are going to be ok.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
There has been lots of great insight in the posts above. Each handling the situation the way they feel they need to handle it.
As far as the sanctity of marriage goes........as with everything, there are limits. A very sick brain will say "sanctity of marriage above all else". That sick thinking kept me trapped in a bad marriage with an addict for five years. I was young. I was ignorant. I was the product of my upbringing at that point in my life. I tried everything that I knew how to do at the time to save the marriage......but I was giving up all of myself trying.
After divorcing my XAH I met and married a emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically healthy man. We have been married for 28 years......so those who might say (or think) that marriage is not respected here on SR......are simply exposing their own ignorance. (And by the way....I use the term ignorance not as an insult.....as I admitted my own ignorance earlier in this post.....we all own a degree of ignorance.....it simply means we don't know....and none of us can know it all.)
My point is that being married to a healthy, productive man is so very different from being married to an addict who doesn't want to quit. Unfortunately, my XAH is still addicted 30 years later. I have compassion for him but am very grateful that I had the courage and wisdom to understand that I could not control him and that divorce for me was the appropriate action. Although life has still dealt its share of sorrow in my life.....I have been blessed to have my dear husband by my side, facing those hardships for the last 28 years.
Make whatever decision you can live with......I too vacillated when making the decision to divorce my XAH......I vacillated for a very long time. But once my mind was made up, wild horses couldn't drag me off my course to improve my life. It was scary as heck but I have no regrets.
Take care of you. You and your husband will be in my prayers this morning.
gentle hugs
ke
As far as the sanctity of marriage goes........as with everything, there are limits. A very sick brain will say "sanctity of marriage above all else". That sick thinking kept me trapped in a bad marriage with an addict for five years. I was young. I was ignorant. I was the product of my upbringing at that point in my life. I tried everything that I knew how to do at the time to save the marriage......but I was giving up all of myself trying.
After divorcing my XAH I met and married a emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, physically healthy man. We have been married for 28 years......so those who might say (or think) that marriage is not respected here on SR......are simply exposing their own ignorance. (And by the way....I use the term ignorance not as an insult.....as I admitted my own ignorance earlier in this post.....we all own a degree of ignorance.....it simply means we don't know....and none of us can know it all.)
My point is that being married to a healthy, productive man is so very different from being married to an addict who doesn't want to quit. Unfortunately, my XAH is still addicted 30 years later. I have compassion for him but am very grateful that I had the courage and wisdom to understand that I could not control him and that divorce for me was the appropriate action. Although life has still dealt its share of sorrow in my life.....I have been blessed to have my dear husband by my side, facing those hardships for the last 28 years.
Make whatever decision you can live with......I too vacillated when making the decision to divorce my XAH......I vacillated for a very long time. But once my mind was made up, wild horses couldn't drag me off my course to improve my life. It was scary as heck but I have no regrets.
Take care of you. You and your husband will be in my prayers this morning.
gentle hugs
ke
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by Fandy 
when he gets arrested driving YOUR car, you will be liable to get it out of impound.
how will you get to work?
how will you get to work?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
As far as the sanctity of marriage goes........as with everything, there are limits.
In my own opinion I really don’t think the religious part of “for better or worse” that any G*D meant to suffer at the hands of anyone else especially someone who claims to love you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by atalose
Couldn't agree more! For some reason many think a marriage license = a license that you must accept abuse, both physically and mentally.
In my own opinion I really don’t think the religious part of “for better or worse” that any G*D meant to suffer at the hands of anyone else especially someone who claims to love you.
In my own opinion I really don’t think the religious part of “for better or worse” that any G*D meant to suffer at the hands of anyone else especially someone who claims to love you.
In nature....there is no punishment.....only consequences. When an addict choses (and it is a choice) not to participate in getting well, there are consequences.
That is the baffling and cunning part of addiction. Addiction is a disease. Recovery is a choice.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Unconditional love does not mean that we unconditionally accept bad behavior. Love without boundaries......is not love.
In nature....there is no punishment.....only consequences. When an addict choses (and it is a choice) not to participate in getting well, there are consequences.
That is the baffling and cunning part of addiction. Addiction is a disease. Recovery is a choice.
gentle hugs
ke
In nature....there is no punishment.....only consequences. When an addict choses (and it is a choice) not to participate in getting well, there are consequences.
That is the baffling and cunning part of addiction. Addiction is a disease. Recovery is a choice.
gentle hugs
ke
Being true to your vows does not mean accepting everything given to you by an abusive, addicted spouse. Being true to your vows means that you will love and hold them, honor and care for them... not live with them and take care of them no matter how much they hurt you.
Vows are a two way street.
Our separation is helping my husband to heal. He spent the night last night, and he has been kind, patient, and loving the entire time. He goes back to his dad's today, but that loving detachment has given me AND HIM the strength he needed to get his act together.
I hope.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
and whether moving from the area where they were getting drugs really helped.
Nothing will get him sober but him. I have known people who got sober with a spouse who still used (I got and stayed sober with a raging alcoholic and booze all over our apartment in 2001), while bartending, while dealing with illness and poverty, living in the 'hood next door to the dealer etc.
They WANTED to. It's not a question of environment, it s a question of commitment to sobriety.
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