LoveMeNow

I am really confused about how to hold my husband accountable for his choices without shaming, blaming and lecturing. However, I don't want to help him protect his addiction. IMO, he needs to feel the consequences of his choices but I don't want to make him feel worse then I believe he does.

When leaving an addict who continues to try to get and stay clean....what do you say to them??

Kindeyes

LMN......you have a good relationship with your HP.....ask Him to give you the words and the strength. That's what worked best for me in dealing with my son. I couldn't do it alone.....I needed help. That's where I found it.

Leaving doesn't always have to be a permanent situation. For all intents and purposes, I "left" my son to live his life and to change it if he decided he wanted to do so. He did......we're doing well today.....healing is taking place.

For me, that was what detaching with love looked like.

gentle hugs
ke

PS--and I am not naïve......I understand that this disease could rear it's ugly head again at any time......I just don't go there.....unless it happens. And if it does, I've let go and let God before......I can do it again.

LoveMeNow

PS. I truly feel compassion for the disease of addiction. It must be horrible to have such a self destructing illness that could possibly kill them. However, I have learned a lot about self care and I know I must take care of me as I am powerless over anyone else.

The problem I found myself in....was accepting the unacceptable and blaming it on the disease and not the person.

cynical one

Why the need to blame anyone or anything?

Ann

I tend to go with Cynical one on this. He knows what he did, he knows that what he has done has taken a toll on your relationship and he knows it was drugs that did it. You don't need to remind him...he knows.

I find that making it about "me" helps make it not about blame but about what I am willing and not willing to have in my life.

"I'm sorry but I feel very broken after all that has happened and need to find my own peace and safe place".

"I can't fix you or change anything that has happened, I can only hope that you find your own path to healthier living. I need to take my own time to heal, to find my own peace and maybe one day we will both be healthier."

Not great examples, but I think you get the idea. You get to express your pain and need to heal without blaming the obvious.

Hugs

LoveMeNow

Right or wrong, I do still blame him and his addiction for the breakdown of my family and marriage. We had a wonderful life until he made some very poor choices. However, I have worked through much of my hurt, anger and disappointments.

I am still away and am dreading going back for my things. I know he will do everything in his power to keep me from leaving him. Just Saturday, I got a beautiful bouquet of manipulation, I mean roses, professing his undying love. Blah!

The fear, obligation and guilt are minimal now but.....not completely gone. I would really just like to end things with as much dignity as I can.

Thank you Ann, those are great examples. I will definitely try to keep the focus on me and what I want for myself and my life. I just wasn't sure how much I should address his addiction or if at all.

zoso77

If he's working a program, there will come a time where he'll come to accept responsibility for his choices and behavior. And when he does, that may be the best time to have a frank discussion. Otherwise, if you bring it up, it's not going to go well.

Besides, what would that accomplish? What's done is done, and while you're going to be nursing wounds from your experience, it's certainly in your control as to whether those wounds are simply sore or real bleeders. So, come here to vent, vent to your closest friends, but allow your husband to accept responsibility on his own timeline.

ZoSo

PaperDolls

An alcoholic suffering the consequences of his actions is all on him. His actions MAKE him feel bad ..... not you.

Vale

I wasn't married to the addicted person I crossed paths with---big difference.
But one of the last messages I sent was along the lines of----I care about and
respect you too much to continue to feed this fire that is consuming you alive.
I've done all I can. It is time for YOU to look in the mirror, see who I saw, and
reclaim your soul from the devil. No one can do it for you and it was a mistake on
my part to try. I will always wish you....nothing but good things.

AnvilheadII

We had a wonderful life until he made some very poor choices.

maybe it wasn't so wonderful for him....by that I mean he had some stuff simmering underneath, something that pulled him away from that wonderful life....not ready to fully commit to being a full fledged responsible grown up....still some wild oats to sow or monsters still hiding under the bed.

irreconcilable differences. who you are and where you are today is just not compatible with who he is and where he is today. sometimes we just no longer fit together.

if you are truly ready to go then it won't matter what HE says....the oaths and professions of love and all that. done is done. not all relationships endure. you just don't wanna do this anymore, and that is perfectly OK! technically he checked out years ago.......

LoveMeNow

Oh c'mon now on Anvil. We had a wonderful life until he had his sports injury. Perhaps, if I only educated myself more, had been more supportive and understanding, he would be cured from addiction. Apparently, I must have done something wrong.

EnglishGarden

"I do still blame him for the breakdown of my family and marriage. We had a wonderful life until he made some very poor choices."

I am so sorry to say, and hope not to anger, but we share responsibility in what happens in our marriages to alcoholics and drug addicts. We really do. Our egos will deny it, but I think our deeper wisdom tries to reach us, and to tell us, "What happened was the outcome of many complicated factors, and this is an opportunity for you to take back your projections (he did it, not me) and go deeply for answers and understanding about oneself. "

I have as often as anyone thrown blame on the actions and choices of the addicts who ruined everything I thought was wonderful. And often on this forum, when someone is newly stung by the callous and degrading treatment addicts are famous for, I am often blunt about the unfairness of what has happened and about the addict's capacity to hurt others. When we have experienced emotional or physical abuse, at first we need to know we did not cause it. That we did not cause it, did not earn it.

But I have to say that in my own work in therapy, I have had realizations about my own history, and my own illusions, my own unfair expectations of life and of relationship.

There is a reason God placed you with this man. And in my humble opinion, I think it is partly so you will look at some things deeply buried which are calling for your attention. What happens to us is often, I believe now, life's attempt to heal some kind of imbalance in us, which is preventing us from becoming better.

We dig in. We don't want things to change. We demand that the wonderful life continue.

But things do not remain static.....it is against Nature, really. Because everything moves. Everything changes. Everything breaks down and rebuilds. The harder we resist this immutable fact of life, the more pain we feel. And we look outside for someone to throw blame on. We feel victimized and we project the blame.

There is much within us that is unconscious, we keep denying our part, and I don't know how we can expect the addicted individual to undertake a major transformation yet not ask of ourselves the same.

The question to ask is, "Why has Life brought me to where I am today?" Not why did the addict screw everything up for me and how will I finally get justice.

I know it hurts, LMN, the feelings of abandonment and the intense disappointment you have experienced in your marriage.

I hope you will do more long-term work in counseling so you can come to some peace about why it all was your path. And in what ways you played your part. Because being with this man, who had addiction in his future, was not a mistake and not an accident.

Being justifiably angry because someone has lied, cheated, stolen, or demeaned us is normal.

But being angry because an addicted person ruined our life which we had running just fine....we need to really take a hard look at ourselves. Turn the spotlight away from the addict and squarely on ourselves.

Many days I would love to chew out the addicted person who broke my heart. I do it in my head or on paper.

But I know that eventually I have to ask whether Life has tried to reach me, through him, to eventually make me better than I am today.

LoveMeNow

Thank you English Garden.

I really do believe there are many lessons, self awareness and self healing that comes in life, the partners we pick and the friends we choose. However, I am still uncertain if this was God's plan or not, although I do know that God will guide me through it all.

Through the last year, I have discovered so much about me and yet I know there is much more to learn. For that, I am grateful. I realize now I am not a victim, I became a willing participant. My denial, confusion, fear, obligation and guilt kept me stuck and took a while to work through and yet I still have much work ahead of me.

Although I made many mistakes during my marriage, I still know I was a loving, faithful, supportive wife. I do not feel as though he ruined my life anymore, however the damage he caused in our marriage is his to own. I will own my part, as well. None of this will be in vain.

Ann

Most times when a marriage ends, it's like closing a door on an already empty room.

If this is where you are, LMN, just close the door quietly and take a deep breath as you venture into the hall of "in between" where you get to heal and regain your balance.

If this isn't where you are, maybe more time is needed to test what remains of your marriage.

I'm not meaning to send you into indecisiveness, I'm just saying that it all can be as peaceful as you decide it will be.

Hugs because I know this is the hard part, deciding if it is "the end" or just the end of a chapter.

AnvilheadII

one of the best "break up cuz i'm ready to" songs by REO Speedwagon:

I've been around for you - been up and down for you
But, I just can't get any relief
I've swallowed my pride for you - lived and lied for you
But, you still make me feel like a thief
You got me stealing your love away 'cause you never give it
Peeling the years away, and we can't relive it
Oh, I make you laugh and baby you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

You said we'd work it out
You said that you had no doubt that deep down we were really in love
Oh, but I'm tired of holding on to a feeling I know is gone
I do believe that I've had enough I've had enough of the falseness of a worn out relation
Enough of the jealousy and the intoleration
Oh, I make you laugh and you make me cry
I believe it's time for me to fly

Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free Time for me to fly
That's just how it's got to be
I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly
(Oh, don't you know that it's...)
Time for me to fly
Oh, I've got to set myself free
Time for me to fly
Oh, baby, that's just how it's got to be
Oh, I know it hurts to say goodbye, but it's time for me to fly
Fly
It's time for me to fly

overit263

What I said was "you need to do this yourself, for yourself, I can't do anything more than I have already tried to do". I feel like when we stay, they still have a safety net to use no matter how much we think we do everything right to not enable or be co-dependent. We can't let an addict take us down with them either. I think the only kind thing to do is to remove ourselves from the situation since addict can only want to be clean for themselves.

LoveMeNow

Love it Anvil. Thank you!!! It's been a while since I have heard that song but I am putting it on my iTunes now. I am going drive everyone crazy playing it over and over until I make the move. Haha

I have been gone for 2 weeks now and I can not believe the clarity I have gained.

LoveMeNow

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin?for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

Look all around, there’s nothin?but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin?but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day

AnvilheadII

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you-ou-ou:"

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing gonna be all right. Don't worry!"
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing" - I won't worry!
"'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

cynical one

NO!!! Not another lyric thread...please make it stop. <cynical running from room>