Valentina14

Your words are like hearing myself talking in a way. You won't believe how many sick people are out there that just want to continue screwing up the lives of others.

I used to receive a lot of messages of my axbf and usually I gave in just to discover everything was the same and that was going to end up exactly the same.

He knew how to push my buttons to recieve an answer, now even that isn't working, and the texts are getting less and less, hopefully one day finally he will understand that I won't be answering anymore and stops.

I agree with Vale, when she sees she can't get you to answer she will get the message and don't even bother to try anymore. Just be strong!

bunkie65

Hey there 77 .... stuff like this can be straight up freaking annoying if we let it. Unnecessary at the least. For me something like this could trigger alot of old feelings, good bad and ulgy and open up "pandoras box".. i would try to and remind myself to remember its not personal and she is doing what addicts do. Then i would probably be inclined to dig deep with in me and figure out why i was reacting so strongly to this. From my experience with my ex who by the way i still love and today thats ok, does not mean we have to be a "couple" i just accepted that i will always love him and thats ok, any time over the years we had no contact, then he popped up like a damn jack in the box, i always ended up finding something about me that i needed to learn or work on.

It was easy for me to stuff or bury things, that hurt me or made me angry. And when something
triggered or rattled the lid of the "stuffing pot" i was then aware that the pot was in need of emptying
I always ended up coming out better and stronger because of this. We have 2 kids so my story is certainly not yours. However, we know life is full of annoying people and today i do my best to not give anyone power or control over taking my peace and serenity. I found i was effected by my ex the most. Detachment with love is for me is easy when he stays in his world and out of mine, or so i thought, fact is i just did not deal with any feelings or emotions until he popped up. I was not detaching with love i was just detaching peroid. By ignoring, stuffing any emotions or feelings tied to him. Its taken me years to learn how to really implement detachment with love in my life. I certanily don't do this "perfectly" all the time but I am a heck of alot better at it today than yesterday!

Just a perspective from my personal experience of dealing with the effects of someone eles drinking or drugging! How ironic it is for me that the worst experiences of my life have evolved to being the best! By this I mean, I came to a place in my life where I found me, because I wanted help for him! Lol I ended up being a healither person, healing, changing what I could, loving more, accepting what I could not change and asking for wisdom daily to know the difference. I m a better mother, friend, sister, daughter and coworker. I have more peace, serenity and direction in my life than I could of ever imagined. I can take care of me and kinda have a good understanding of how to do that. My once over flowing stuffing pot, only gets used every once in a while. And it does not take long for me to be aware something is in it and I can clean it out asap... of course this only happens because of my higher power (God)! Working the 12 steps daily and the commitment I have to myself and God to be the best I can be, humbly and lovingly!

As for the phone number change or not change! One thought came to mind. Setting a reminder on your calender for the day the block will expire so you can reset it. Just an idea in leau of a number change!

A final thought. Your ex is hurting, lost and sick. She needs prayer too. Espically if she is still in the madness and using. I know I had to really let go of any anger and resentment I had towards my ex and heal from alot of hurt in order do do that. I was unaware of my deep seeded anger and resentments and hurt for 5 years after we split. Out of sight out of mind, right. Wrong, at least for me. I kinda just stopped working on me during that time. I was not dealing with him, living with him, life was good, or so I thought. It was not until he popped back up that I then became aware how full my pot was, he rattled the lid and thus began another journey of working on me...

I hope something I shared about my experience resonated with ya. Or maybe someone else. Like they say. Take what ya li,e and leave the rest. Or maybe you don't like a thing! Lol and that's ok too!

Be good to your self my friend. And embrace all that your higher power has for you to grow, learn and heal. And remember its about us and our journey of progress not perfection. One step at a time one day at a time. About our ability to live and let live and our peace and serinty weather someone is using or not!

zoso77

I appreciate your very thoughtful response, Bunkie, and I highlighted this part because I found it interesting. In the days after our breakup, I did pray for my AXGF as a way to help heal myself. I have since stopped. Yes, she's a child of God, as we all are, and we're all part of the disorder that is the human condition. But in all honesty, she's beyond disgusting. Her texting me isn't just an addict being an addict. It's also a Borderline being a Borderline. She has had opportunity after opportunity to do the hard work required to get better on both the mental health front and the addiction front, and she's chosen not to do it. And she never will, either.

I have blocked her number for the third time in a year, and I like the idea of a little reminder every three months to block her number again. That will save me $60/year. Thanks again for your input.

ZoSo

blackandblue

I could not agree more. I let my AXBF off the hook so many times for his behavior and swept it under the rug of addiction/mental illness/BS syndrome. I even felt guilty for expressing my anger. My anger was the perfect tool to finally set me free from the insanity once I was willing to face reality.

I know love can defy all logic and make us put up with nonsense, but I don't think this is love. Obsession and infatuation maybe. Love, by all means, includes some heartbreak- but does not include abuse. But of course she is not going to play fair or nice.

It seems like you are far past where you were when this started, and these incidences might feel like thorns in your side in the process of moving on. Is it possible, that while you are over her, that you resent that she could still have any place in your heart whatsoever- even as a vague and distant memory?

zoso77

People break up all the time, and under normal circumstances, it hurts like hell but we move on. But when things ended with my AXGF, I did not mourn the loss of the relationship. I did not mourn the loss of her. I had to tackle the pain of betrayal and the knowledge that although I stood by her through some pretty atrocious behavior, she slept with other men behind my back. What I learned is unconditional love is a myth and a fantasy; when my AXGF showed her true colors and removed any and all ambiguity regarding what she was all about, I simply did not love her anymore. Which is something, because usually I'm a romantic and still have warm feelings and memories of all the women I've been intimate with.

It's not enough for her to betray me. She has to try to rattle my cage almost 2 years after the fact. And it's such transparently Borderline behavior; her behavior taken in context with BPD makes perfect sense because that's what Borderlines do. I just don't like being on the receiving end of that behavior.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not that big of a deal. It doesn't disrupt my day-to-day life. It doesn't change the fact that since she's been gone, I've been happier, more productive, and healthier. I simply want her to go and stay away.

ZoSo

blackandblue

This seems like a pretty "simple" post, but I feel an important one.

I hope she does go and stay away once and for all. It sounds like it is more that you are annoyed with her behavior, but not surprised at her BPD attempts to get a rise out of you. If I had this resolve when my AXBF lied and cheated on me 3 months into our relationship (well before he relapsed), I would not have given it 3 more years before I got my head out of the clouds.

I wish all of my "good" memories with my AXBF could be erased, because that is what has kept many of us here in the cycle of an abusive relationship. I admire your ability to have such stable emotional grounding. I feel that is the next step of my recovery and where many people with codependency get stuck.

I put up with some pretty awful treatment and came back for more several times- each time learning something new at a heavy price. But what I took away from this last post of yours, is that you were able to take the "romance" and the "fantasy" out of the picture, letting go of any thought about future potential for reconciliation.

I feel this is key for so many of us- to stop idealizing what was and what could be and to finally accept reality for what it is right now. Ultimately, that is better for both people in the relationship. I too have been better off without my AXBF in my life. I wonder how good it could be with him actually "gone for good." Not just physically at a distance- but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually excavating him from my body, mind, heart, and soul.

Do you teach classes on this stuff?

Valentina14

You have nailed it, when you become codependent of an addict somehow you see the bad stuff that is happening but still hold on into the idea that it will change and the good stuff will be back.

I am in that same process of letting go, at least now I have accepted that a future is never going to happen now I just have to let go of all the "happy memories" that I have and that sometimes hurt like hell. I think the main objective should be the one of also remembering everything bad that happened, not only the nice things, and realize that life is better without that kind of abuse.

I want to take clases too, btw!

zoso77

Ha!

No. There's two components here. One is the intellectual component that I fed by reading a couple of books on BPD. Once that was in place, I had the "why" -- "because she's Borderline". The emotional component, though, overrode the intellectual part. Because I was "in love". But in the wake of her final, sadistic act, it's like somebody threw a circuit breaker; the love stopped right then and there. And I didn't know that I had that ability to just stop caring about someone. I think what it is is I was clear about what I would tolerate in the course of her recovery and what I wouldn't. Infidelity was a deal breaker, and not only did she cross that line, she pole vaulted over it and flipped me the bird after sticking the landing. It took a few days for me to figure out, with help from my clinician, that the event was engineered by a severe Borderline Personality. My clinician has told me that my AXGF is as severe a case of BPD as she's ever seen or heard of. I think I already knew it deep down, but my eyes were a bit clouded. Not anymore.

Not everyone's experience with an addict or a Borderline is going to be like mine. But if there's one general rule that I always like to stress, it's you have to allow yourself to know what you know. If you learn about addiction by books, meetings, reading posts here or whatever, and you learn about character disorders like BPD, all you need to know is available to you. You just have to pay attention to it. What makes it hard is the heart often gets in the way. And that's understandable, but it can also can cause more pain and suffering to you.

As far as good memories go, whatever good times my AXGF and I had have to be viewed through the addiction and BPD prism because she did a great job of hiding what she really is: an apex emotional predator. And to be somewhat blunt and crude, for a time I told my buddies that I at least banged the snot out of her for a year, which was mindblowingly awesome in the moment (Borderlines are tremendously great in the wrapper). Now knowing what I know, I want to take a long, chemical shower to get the grime and filth off me.

So, whatever memories you have, you have. Good, bad or indifferent. You just can let those memories bring you to a place where you're emotionally crippled.

ZoSo

oooopps

I dont think changing your number necessarily means she wins. We are humans, and sometimes it necessary to do things to protect our serenity and peace. Dont be so harsh on yourself should you come to realize that changing your number may be a good idea.

blackandblue

Oh my God, still laughing. Thanks for the bluntness. So very true.

Also, true. Fear is crippling. Work in progress.

I also agree with oops- if you have to change your number so be it. Do whatever is best for you because you know she is not going to change any time soon.

EnglishGarden

Like you, Zoso, I find her behavior repugnant. I also find it chilling. She is so chilling because she is so good at luring people in. Is it the black widow spider that puts on a negligee for the male of the species and throws wide the door?

When hurting people is a calculated act, it is chilling. And I think it would be very hard not to have a strong emotional response to whatever she does. Even years later.

At least you don't minimize and say she doesn't know what she's doing because she's also high.

I think she is very skilled and deliberate and has a lot of power.

zoso77

Yeah, this is a very precise observation, EG.

But the best way to deny power to a Borderline or an addict is to simply not engage with them. The moment you attempt to reason with a Borderline or an addict, you're done because it's not going to work. The reason why my AXGF did what she did was because I had successfully disengaged from her histrionics. Not out of malice or spite, but because I had learned that it didn't matter what I did or said regarding anything she did. I detached with love. And she resented me for it and struck back.

I keep hammering this point, but when you detach or disengage from an addict, it doesn't mean you don't care about them. What it does mean is you've accepted that people are going to do whatever they're going to do, and to save your own sanity, you've stepped back and allowed the addict the dignity to make their own decisions. If it's a choice between staying sane and going nuts when it doesn't matter what you do for the addict, why go nuts when you don't have to.

Anyways, EG, you understand this and the BPD aspect of it. BPD + addiction = hell.

ZoSo

EnglishGarden

Yes, it's a lethal combination, and when they decide to get attention by becoming pregnant and making a baby (and often it is more than one baby because getting all that attention while pregnant is a real high for them), then it is a child who will be constantly abused psychologically (sometimes physically) and a husband who will be destroyed because he is unwilling to divorce, either because he can't risk her gaining custody (he knows she will look good in court), or because he has become so sick he cannot make rational choices anymore.

And I agree about detaching from those with personality disorders and from those in active addiction. One's heartfelt attempts to communicate and to build a relationship with such an individual are doomed to fail because that sick individual DOES NOT CARE. This forum is always active with members distressed that their attempts to repair a relationship with an addict are not working. These members are struggling to gain an awareness that only comes with time: the awareness is that the addicted individual does not care whether the relationship works or not. The addict is working against the relationship. So the choice is whether or not one wants to remain with an individual who is working against you. Someone who works against you is an OPPONENT. Not a partner.

It took me a hard road to realize this. You too, I know.