Fiance comes home from rehab soon!!!!

Old 08-29-2013, 04:50 PM
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Fiance comes home from rehab soon!!!!

So before my fiancé went into a 90 day program in Prescott Az we didn't live together and now he is freaking out about coming back to his hometown of Tucson and really considering quitting his job and staying in Prescott and having me move up there with him. I think it's a great idea for his recovery but hear many people say that no drastic changes should be made in the first year of recovery. Anybody have any advice or experience??
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Old 08-29-2013, 05:29 PM
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What is the best thing for YOU? Would you be leaving YOUR support system of friends and family? Would you be leaving YOUR school, job, social life?
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Old 08-29-2013, 06:20 PM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
What is the best thing for YOU? Would you be leaving YOUR support system of friends and family? Would you be leaving YOUR school, job, social life?
So yes I would be leaving all of that behind but I am all for it! The only social life I had was not a healthy one and my job is something I can find anywhere (entry level) and I got accepted to nursing school here for fall of 2017 but am pretty sure I can apply to the nursing program there to begin sooner in fall of 2015 (no waiting list there). I feel like it would be a great fresh start for the both of us in a beautiful recovery town away from all the bad memories/people/distractions.
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:07 PM
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Do you have to move with him right now? You could let him settle in a bit. You could go ahead and talk to the new school to see about their requirements. Just remember that moving to a new place does not change things. You can move away, but you still have to deal with yourself. That's what a good friend told me last time I moved, and it was so true.

You call the new town a "beautiful recovery town," which makes me think you are looking through rose-colored glasses. Every town has sober people, people on drugs, good people, bad people, etc.
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Old 08-29-2013, 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted by bluebelle View Post
Do you have to move with him right now? You could let him settle in a bit. You could go ahead and talk to the new school to see about their requirements. Just remember that moving to a new place does not change things. You can move away, but you still have to deal with yourself. That's what a good friend told me last time I moved, and it was so true.

You call the new town a "beautiful recovery town," which makes me think you are looking through rose-colored glasses. Every town has sober people, people on drugs, good people, bad people, etc.
Yes you are so right and I would continue to work my program by going to meetings, find a therapist, go to school, run and of course make new friends. And no he will be coming back to his hometown for a week or so to get things in order here...and he would most likely move up there before me until I get all my things in order.

I guess I did make the town seem that way. So it's known in Arizona for being the #1 recovery town which goes hand in hand having drug relapsers, aside from that the town itself is beautiful, much cooler weather than the rest of Arizona and not much desert like the rest of Arizona where we live now. I guess what I'm trying to decide is that staying in a town where all you've known is recovery for three months and feel its best to continue in a positive environment versus coming back to your hometown where nearly everything is a trigger for them? Whatever be the case I will continue to take care of myself but I also want to support my recovering fiancé as much as possible.
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Old 08-29-2013, 10:29 PM
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I think it is sort of a personal choice; a lot of it based on your relationship. If you weren't living together before, do you think your ready to progress to that now, or would you be doing it more out of convenience? I think part of it also might have to do with what stage of addiction he was in, how he is doing in recovery as that will give you an idea of how stable he will be when he comes out. My husband came home right after a 3 month rehab and there were ups and downs, but we handled it all ok; also used therapy and some marriage counseling. So I don't put much stock in a generic one year rule; but that's just my experience.

Does he know for sure he will be able to find employment in Prescott, obtain a place to live, and how will you work out all the details - something to think about in advance maybe. And great about your schooling - sounds like it would almost fast track that for you; no waitlist.

We are from Arizona also. I had looked at rehabs in that area; and your right there are a lot there & I think they say its like the rehab capital of all the western states or something like that. My husband ended up going to one in California, but it was really tempting to pick one in-state for convenience.

I hope you have a little time to think about it; Id say just keep trying to look at it from as many angles as possible and that will hopefully help with the decision.
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Old 08-30-2013, 03:27 AM
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If it were me, I would stay put where you are at.. Coming out of rehab back into reality is a very drastic adjustment for people.. And just because he's out of rehab doesn't mean that he won't relapse next week or next month and if that happens its not going to matter if you are living there or not.. Rehabs don't get people clean, they just give them the tools and its up to the individual to use those tools..

You say you can easily find a job? But can you? The economy is still really tough out there and you may not easily find one like you think you will..

Stay where your at, focus on YOU and your recovery.. Giving your finance a little distance in the beginning stages of his recovery by living several hours away will be good for him and you... It will give you the opportunity to desperate yourself from his addictions and him the opportunity to focus solely on his recovery.. If you didn't live with him before I wouldn't suggest it now, moving in together is a huge adjustment in itself..
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Old 08-30-2013, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by allforcnm View Post
I think it is sort of a personal choice; a lot of it based on your relationship. If you weren't living together before, do you think your ready to progress to that now, or would you be doing it more out of convenience? I think part of it also might have to do with what stage of addiction he was in, how he is doing in recovery as that will give you an idea of how stable he will be when he comes out. My husband came home right after a 3 month rehab and there were ups and downs, but we handled it all ok; also used therapy and some marriage counseling. So I don't put much stock in a generic one year rule; but that's just my experience.

Does he know for sure he will be able to find employment in Prescott, obtain a place to live, and how will you work out all the details - something to think about in advance maybe. And great about your schooling - sounds like it would almost fast track that for you; no waitlist.

We are from Arizona also. I had looked at rehabs in that area; and your right there are a lot there & I think they say its like the rehab capital of all the western states or something like that. My husband ended up going to one in California, but it was really tempting to pick one in-state for convenience.

I hope you have a little time to think about it; Id say just keep trying to look at it from as many angles as possible and that will hopefully help with the decision.
We are more than ready to live together. Especially now that he is in a sober state of mind. He very much wants to live a better life, one of recovery and feels strongly that coming back to the environment he lived in and a high stress job would be his main stressors/triggers. We've been together for 8 years and were planning to move in together before all this happened. His addiction hadn't got to the point where he was stealing or on pills at work endangering his job but it got to the point where he knew exactly how many minutes it would take to get from work to his dealers house for his next high. His breaking point was a weekend drug binge that involved other drugs which caused him to fear for his life therefore coming to me asking for help because he knew he couldn't quit without professional help.

He has been offered numerous jobs and referrals for employment from his sponsor and others he's met while being there, and even willing to help him in getting back to school so he can get out of the career he's in (he works at a prison). They feel strongly that he should leave his old life behind as well and he is very serious about his recovery so he sees it as an opportunity he shouldn't pass up. Of course he's asked my opinion and wants me to do whatever I need to do for us to be together. He doesn't want to be selfish but knows I support his recovery completely.

I would definitely find a job, enroll in school and do all that before I would go. And I can find meetings and a therapist anywhere. We are the best of friends, the love of eachothers lives and we support each other, we just can't imagine a life apart, despite everyone Referring back to the 1 year rule.

I'm curious as to how your husbands recovery is going....has he been successful in working his program? What were the things you most struggled with?
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Old 08-30-2013, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by stickbyU View Post
We are more than ready to live together. Especially now that he is in a sober state of mind. He very much wants to live a better life, one of recovery and feels strongly that coming back to the environment he lived in and a high stress job would be his main stressors/triggers. We've been together for 8 years and were planning to move in together before all this happened. His addiction hadn't got to the point where he was stealing or on pills at work endangering his job but it got to the point where he knew exactly how many minutes it would take to get from work to his dealers house for his next high. His breaking point was a weekend drug binge that involved other drugs which caused him to fear for his life therefore coming to me asking for help because he knew he couldn't quit without professional help.

He has been offered numerous jobs and referrals for employment from his sponsor and others he's met while being there, and even willing to help him in getting back to school so he can get out of the career he's in (he works at a prison). They feel strongly that he should leave his old life behind as well and he is very serious about his recovery so he sees it as an opportunity he shouldn't pass up. Of course he's asked my opinion and wants me to do whatever I need to do for us to be together. He doesn't want to be selfish but knows I support his recovery completely.

I would definitely find a job, enroll in school and do all that before I would go. And I can find meetings and a therapist anywhere. We are the best of friends, the love of eachothers lives and we support each other, we just can't imagine a life apart, despite everyone Referring back to the 1 year rule.

I'm curious as to how your husbands recovery is going....has he been successful in working his program? What were the things you most struggled with?
From what you have shared, it sounds like you have a very strong and loving relationship - which is great ! Also sounds like you have both given it a lot of thought regarding school / career. Sounds to me like your both on the right track.

My husband has just over 16 months clean now. He is doing really well. A lot of people here have heard our story, but I will summarize for you. He had no past history and got started after a sports injury and several surgeries, physical therapy, being off work, getting frustrated.... neither of us really knew about drugs and I don't think he thought he would ever end up addicted. (I didn't) His addiction never got to the point of stealing or anything either, no legal trouble, he kept his career. Most of the problems were personal problems between us and other family / friends, and he spent a lot of $$ (We both wish we had back). He went to a non 12 step rehab that was based on private therapy, and he also learned cognitive /behavioral skills to help him overcome the addiction. When he came home he continued with the therapist, and he still does this. I also worked with a therapist and we started marriage counseling when he was in rehab.

He was lucky in that the only people he associated with that were part of the drug lifestyle were a group from his work. Before he went back to work, he was granted a transfer to another building location, and very rarely has interaction with that group anymore. I think going back to work and dealing with the stress was hard for him, just learning to handle his emotions - all of it without turning to something to numb himself, because he had done that for almost 2 years. Facing things he had done when he was using, relationships with family, was hard for him. He felt really guilty for what he did to our family (we have one son), and time he lost with him. Just from being off the drugs there were mood swings that came out of no where sort of, and we both just had to ride them out. When I first came to this site, he was in rehab. I was told the same thing about the one year rule, but his doctors and our therapist never suggested anything like that. I cant imagine our being apart that long, or keeping our son away - not when he was doing well,. and working hard to rebuild his life. It would have been different if he was very unstable/volatile, or maybe had to start from scratch learning life skills, and how to be a responsible citizen, etc. That's a quick summary, feel free to send me a p.message if you want to talk more in depth.

It is nice up by Prescott; they have the National Forest up there, and we have gone there for horseback riding and hiking. And your so right - it is cooler there !
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