Baloo

Got back on track with my A against some advice here. but I was truly looking at her differently than before. we talked a little when she was locked up. she got out, was rude to me and then I left. we didn't talk for weeks and I had no plan to talk.

THEN she goes into the hospital with endocarditis and infection. could kill her. surgery coming. I couldn't say no to being with her. we didn't talk about the fight at all. just spent some time...

THEN she walks out of the hospital after 5 days against their advice. that was yesterday. I found out when I got home from work last nite.
I called and mostly texted lots of people who could see her. they aren't reliable people, but word was spread and, at the least, they don't want a dead body to ruin their dope-related activities. a different girl died from the same thing a month ago.

ugh.... I have to be done with her again. my codependency is starting to interfere with me again andi gotta get a grip even now. she cant escalate it again without actually dying.

I feel numb now anyways. and I tried to save her life last nite. couldn't do anything else. I hope she saves her own life and gets back to the hospital.

CFDMama

Baloo, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

GardenMama

I am sorry for your pain. It is tragic and torturous to watch them fall. Take care of yourself. You did what you could, now let her & her HP do the rest. Peace.

Baloo

Well she called for a ride to the hospital so of course I went to pick her up.

Then she said she cant go until she is off dopesickness and she would quick find a car date. So I gave her 20 so she could avoid that. Then we got some food. Then she wanted to drive around and talk a little. So we did. Then I pull up to the hospital and she wont get out. Then we drive around a little and park for a bit and argue. I'm calm. She is accusing me of being so selfish. Then I dropped her off near there with her bitching at me.

So I feel stupid and weak and that I have her blood on my hands all at once.

She said she would go to the hospital later on and justified it that way, but if she calls me, I will tell her to call an ambulance.

Even when it is life/death in the most vivid way, I make no difference in her life.

I don't want to talk to her at all. I hope I can keep up that p.o.v.

Ann

There ya go, Baloo. Do just that.

Now that you gave her $20, you gotta know she will be back like a moth to a flame. It's up to you to decide how to avoid that, but my thoughts are you will need to not take her calls at all. Unfortunately, that $20 just bought you a front row seat to her drama.

You are not responsible for her life...or death. You, me, none of us are that powerful that we can control who lives and who dies of addiction. You gave her fair chance to save herself. You cannot do more than that.

I'm glad you shared here, it's a rough road we travel and better when we walk together here.

Hugs