How to Know?

Old 07-16-2013, 06:00 PM
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How to Know?

So I went to a multi-family session thing at my fiancees rehab on Sunday and went to my first Nar-Anon meeting on Monday I figured I would make sure to post on here today just to keep the good juju flowing

My main fear with Cody being in rehab is that I am absolutely terrified that he or the staff are going to decide he's better off without me, that I'm an enabler, that I'm the worst thing in his life and he should leave me. It's pretty unfounded because his main concealer, who I met on Sunday, apparently thinks I am amazing and "wishes more addicts had girlfriends like me"

I still am scared because I never really got an answer to "am I codependent" or "an I am enabler"

The only way enabler was ever explained to me was "doing something they can't do themselves, if they have a broken leg, its not enabling to help them up the stairs"

Which still raises questions because I would always cook for Cody and do his laundry when he was living with me... Is that enabling? I just thought that was being a good future-wife.

And from what I've heard about codependency I think I am codependent (I think he is too) but I don't see why that's BAD

UGHHHHH.... Help?
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Old 07-16-2013, 06:55 PM
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Think of it this way …

Making excuses for him, smoothing things over for him, fixing his problems, finding solutions to his problems and he didn’t even ask for help, lying for him, calling out of work for him, telling everyone he is sick and that is why he didn’t show up for some special occasions, when he really wasn‘t…working out the other relationships he has that are strained…having a pity party with him, trying to get him to see he is more than by dismissing the truth in the now.

Bending and molding him into what you think he should be like. Wishing he was more of what he was, when in reality you don’t want the past ever as that was so part of the problem.

Paying bills for, covering bills for, taking over his responsibilities as your, when they aren’t. and there is this feeling of obligation that mills about, in such fine twisted form … as if one must do for when in actuality all the helping just keeps em sick.

There is a hyper vigilance involved, and a high level of anxiety…walking on eggs shells, topics not spoken of for fear of a reaction …or kept from them because they have enough to worry about. Sad fact is life will continue to go on, you can’t hide the truth from those around and it is a disservice to do so.

Also those codie tend to take everyone on, and then bitch, and play martyr, it is just another trait in the sickness….all that look what I did for you and then the how dare you … well no one ever had to do anything, maybe love. I am huge on the love part, just love, accept and let go … that doesn’t mean you stay around, or you ride the insanity train. You love cause it is way better for your soul and overall well being than the anger, hate and resentment.

Feeling responsible for his actions, his moods, taking on guilt that isn’t yours, his shame as well…
Making him responsible, his using the cause of your moods, your anxiety, your fear, and the situation you find yourself in. Which can be similar in the blame game that most addicts use, deflection, all that it is someone else’s fault. Well adults really don’t get free rides, most are all in and have been, and just went down as the addict in their life did. .

And most likely he is codependent most addicts are… it is just s different addiction, yet no less twisted than using drugs, or at least in my eyes anyway.

Keep working on you. Allow him to work on himself. If he finds that the relationship can’t work now, then it can’t. I know it is hard to think of that possibility but he needs to find what is best for him, just as you need to find what is best for you, which should be your focus, always.

Take good care of yourself.
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Old 07-16-2013, 07:39 PM
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Oh WoW Inciting have you been sitting on my shoulder the past 5 years as I have dealt with my son?? Because you nailed it. The thing is it also describes how I have dealt with my husband who isn't an A but has a lot of issues. Thank you.
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Old 07-16-2013, 10:32 PM
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Just to add another layer of complexity, while you are learning about unhealthy codependence, also take some time to learn about the opposite – healthy interdependence. You may actually find that you possess both characteristics, and that your relationship also contains both. So the good news is that you can learn and change the unhealthy behaviors that you are seeing. This is an article that I think helps explain the difference between the two:

Interdependence vs Codependence
By: Jo-Ann Svensson

One of my fascinations with codependence is its versatility. You can manifest your codependent parts at work, rest or play; black tie or casual, codependence is accepted in more places than MasterCard.

Its versatility comes from the fact that while ubiquitous, it is, at the same time, absolutely unique to the person that manifests it. There is no set way of “seeking fulfillment outside yourself,” no manual or standard set: each codependent event is a creative individual action. One may do it by helping another in hopes of being liked, while another may do it by bullying somebody in hopes that their self-esteem gets a much needed boost. In this way, relationships become, as Pietro Abela suggests, an investment: If I do this, I will get that. To be more specific, if I care for you, my hope is that you will care for me or, in the other scenario, if I scare or demean you, you will (hopefully) give me what I want. Even those scenarios are subject to numerous and subtle variations.

While codependence is versatile it is, in the vast majority of times, unconscious. You may even be reading this now thinking that these examples don’t apply to you, and probably they don’t. But without analyzing life in microscopic detail, was there any time today you were not true to yourself? Was there any time you did something that you would rather not have done but did so with the hope that it would have some intrinsic benefit for you? And I am not talking about driving the kids to hockey practice in hopes of being the next Gretzky mom. I am talking about the “yes, I will drive over town every day while you are on vacation and walk your dog” times where you end up feeling tired and drained because the output far exceeded any desired gain (conscious or not) in being helpful or nice. How about the time you did someone else’s work for them because “somebody had to do it” and ended up feeling resentful, or when you went for the promotion you really didn’t want just for the status. Or the time when you kept your opinions to yourself so your friends would still like and accept you. There are countless examples but the real question is:

Is there a different way of being?

Yes, there is: interdependence.

Interdependence is the opposite of codependence. With codependence, there is an energy loss for at least one of the participants. In interdependence, there is energy gain (or at least neutrality) for all persons involved. Where codependence is about looking to someone else or something as a source of validation, acceptance, or safety; an interdependent person looks within themselves first but welcomes external sources (of the same) as a healthy complement to life. And, while our codependent parts view relationships as investments: if I do this, I will get that; our interdependent parts invest in relationships. In interdependence we know that relationships are alive and require nurturance, boundaries and, above all, a healthy dose of self-respect.

I define interdependence as staying true to one self while living harmoniously in community; having boundaries that are firm yet flexible; and knowing when and how to give help but also knowing when to say no. It is also about the occasional sacrifices where you do over extend yourself to another (i.e. taking care of a sick friend) but do so with consciousness and compassion (not martyrdom) with the knowledge of when to pull back before it negatively affects your own health, family or financial state.

Interdependence is a creative and conscious response to life that energizes and fulfills. Codependence is an unconscious (yet creative) reaction that ultimately drains and frustrates. So, while we all may manifest codependent behavior at one time or another, the thing I want to ask today is how were you interdependent?
I wish I could convince my husband that cooking for him was enabling. But I don’t think it would fly. I like the examples that were already given, and keep in mind that within a relationship there should be a balance, a give and take. So if your boyfriend is using drugs, not doing anything around the home, and you are cooking, cleaning, and taking care of everything then this would not be healthy. But, if there is balance where you usually cook, and do the laundry, but he takes out the trash, washes the car, runs the vacuum, walks the dog, etc. Then within the relationship there is balance, and he is pulling his weight. Also keep in mind that there are a lot of differing opinions on what it means to “not do anything that they can do themselves”. It may also have a different meaning to a parent/child relationship than it does to husband/wife.
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