253valerie

My name is Valerie, I've been married to an addict/alcoholic for over 5 years now.

As you might imagine my marriage is broken, incredibly so. I recently told my husband that I'm not in love with him anymore, I didn't expect for him to handle it well, but I honestly expected his to see it coming. He's treated me like crap and been emotionally and verbally abusive for years now. Quite honestly almost our entire marriage. But in his eyes, he hasn't been that bad of a husband, because he's a "nice guy".

I'm not going to dig into the details of the neglect, lies, and manipulations. I'm sure that I don't need to justify my hurt and loss of feelings to anyone here. But I will say that in April of 2012 my daughter and I were leaving my husband for good, I was finally at a point where I was okay with leaving him and moving on with my life - when he attempted suicide and told me that if I did leave him he would "finish what he started", and I took him back. Since this time I've done nothing but focus on all the negatives in our relationship.

He's sober right now, going to NA meetings with a friend, looking for work... but I've been here before and I don't trust him. In my mind this is just him going through the motions to get his comfortable life back.

He's volatile, has punched holes in the wall, degraded me to my 3-year old daughter in front of me, and has made me afraid of being physically harmed by him just over this past week.

I've made an appointment with a marriage counselor on Thursday the 18th, I don't know if he will come with me as he goes back and forth on his willingness to participate.

The thing that upsets me most right now (other than the way he talks about me to our daughter) is that he won't respect my boundaries. I haven't kicked him out, I haven't been rude or belittling, I'm even fully supporting his new Vegan diet... I just don't want to be held by him, and that's what sets him off. He doesn't believe that I'm going to a counselor to help me work through my issues (because I'm not deluding myself into believing that our bad marriage is entirely his fault), he thinks that I'm going so that I can have an "expert" tell me I should leave him, and that the solution to our marriage is to just let him hold me and for us to be intimate again.

A huge part of me wants to just walk away and not try, part of me is perfectly fine holding on to my anger and resentments, doing so has allowed me to stop focusing on him and get my life back... but it's not just me, It's our daughter and our families as well.

So that's where I am.

I know I should go to al-anon, but I'm going to talk to the counselor first.

totfit

I am no expert, but I would just leave. Just because a person starts to get clean or even does for good, it is not your duty to hang around if nothing else changes. Leaving/divorce is certainly not good for a child or the couple involved, but I would merely weigh the consequences of staying. I really wish you the best.

LoveMeNow

Welcome to SR but as always I am sorry for what brings you here.

Sounds like you are being emotionally held hostage by his suicide attempts or threats. It can often be an effective too to manipulate a loved one into not leaving.

Did he receive any treatment for his attempt?

incitingsilence

There is no time like now.

Understand that you do not have to explain anything to him or anyone about your choice to leave. You can just go as you need to when you need to for you and your child. This has nothing to do with him.

This is your life and love is not based on manipulation, and on being held hostage, which sounds like he has done with the suicide attempt … It is also doesn’t involve holes in walls and belittling you in front of your child, nor does it have any fear involved.

I have some suggestions…

First a book the gift of fear, even if you just read the 2 chapters on relationships. There is a lot of learning within the pages.
Also have you contacted your local domestic violence shelter? If not, maybe you should … They will have information can help you to keep yourself and your child safe.

Please take good care of you.

Stay safe!

YearForMe

As the saying goes....

When the pain of staying outweighs the fear of leaving.....

It's time to go.

Many times...the end of a relationship is like closing the door to a room that is already empty.

I just left my AH of 24 years...who has been addicted to Vicodin for the past 4+ years.
Alot of emotional damage was done in those 4+ years.

Nothing to the extent that you have endured....but we all have our limits.

wicked

This concerns me, not counting the evil emotionally blackmail suicide attempt, he seems to not respect or care for either one of you.
Degraded her mommy, she might not know all the words, but you can believe she is getting every one of the feelings. Yours and his.

I think, in my opinion you need to call a domestic violence organization in your area.
He is awful, and I hope you get away soon.

You and your daughter deserve everything to the moon and back.
Do not let this mean and nasty man put any more fear in your baby.

I feel for you, and wish I had left much earlier, and wish my mother had left earlier too.

Beth

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR......I have to say that your post triggered the living day lights out of me. To some extent.......I could have been the author of that post......30 years ago. It brought feelings to the surface that I had long forgotten or let go of.......

I did leave my XAH. He was not violent but he was very volatile and infantile. Talking to him was like talking to an angry, irresponsible, contrary 5 year old in a man's body. For the entire five years I was married to him, he threatened suicide if I left him.....and I knew within six months of marrying him that I had made an awful mistake. But it was the bed I made, so I felt I had no choice but to sleep in it.

I also went to a marriage counselor near the end....when I thought it was the last hope and I couldn't take it anymore.....I knew I needed help. I was hoping that having him speak with someone else to mediate would help. He went to one session, behaved like a child, and wouldn't go back. But I did. And yes.....she did validate my desire to leave him.....and I did leave him (we had a 1-1/2 year old son at the time).

Although my situation is a little different (he never attempted suicide...just threatened constantly), I came to the conclusion that if he elected to take his life, it would be his choice....not mine. He is still alive today......30 years later. Still addicted. Still angry. Still blames me for everything that went wrong with his life. And he introduced my (now adult) son to drugs at a very young age. In some ways (and I know this horrible to say....God forgive me) I wished he had made good on his promise to kill himself. I was angry at him for lying about that for a very long time.

The good news.......I divorced him and met a wonderful man two years later whom I've had the privilege of being married to now for 28 years. I can't imagine what those blessed 28 years would have been like if I'd stayed with my XAH. He77 on earth.....no doubt. Even divorced, my XAH did everything he could to try to bring chaos into our lives. I had to detach in a very big way to prevent him from disrupting our daily lives but he still managed to do so periodically. He's a very sick man.

There are two people you have a responsibility to....yourself and that little girl who can't take care of herself.....she needs a stable, loving parent to guide her through her formative years. Ask yourself.....is she getting that in the current environment or is she being taught that it's ok for a man to treat a woman like crap? Is this the type of relationship you would like her to someday have with a man? The relationship between you and your husband is her "normal".

I can relate so well with where you are right now......there are choices. And yes......the one thing I would change if I could about my own past......is I wish I had found Al-Anon or Nar-Anon OR gone consistently to a therapist to help me work through the stuff. I didn't do a good job of taking care of myself......I hope you do better.

Take care of you.

gentle gentle hugs
ke

allforcnm

I think it's great that you have an appointment with a counselor this week. I hope that he decides to go with you & does so with a good attitude; but if he won't go then by all means go alone. I think it would be very good for you to talk to someone about your situation and your feelings. When my husband was in rehab I started working with a therapist and she was a great help to me. My husband was not abusive, although we had some pretty good arguments, separated for a while, the whole bit... Therapy can help you work through the trauma, emotions, understanding why, and it can help you move forward- for yourself, for your daughter, and for the relationship. So please do go, and if you don't like this counselor then try another.

You didn't say in your post how far along your husband is in working a plan of recovery. Early recovery can have a lot of ups and downs, and be very emotional for all. In the stickies at the top of this forum there are a couple of threads from National Institute of Drug Abuse. One explains the medical aspects of drug addiction and how there are actual changes that occur in the brain. There are pictures of MRI scans of the brain of a meth user while using and then like a year later. People heal but it takes time. Also length of use and learnt behaviors have so much to do with it. People often hang onto the lying, blaming, anger, etc. for a long while- behaviors have to be unlearned. None of this means he is absolved of the way he treats you. But maybe it will help explain some of his behavior.

Obviously the suicide attempt and follow up threats were not coming from a stable mind. This is where it gets tricky because we can't make a lifelong sacrifice of ourselves to save another; but people with addiction have a disease and their brains are not functioning properly; they can't cope, can't reason like a non-user. When it gets to this point, they must have medical treatment in my opinion. We never know when the cry wolf' is getting closer to a reality. If your husband would consider some private therapy along with his NA meetings, this might be really helpful to his overall recovery.

I hope things go well for you this week.

cynical one

Valerie,

Just wondering, what is your husbands DOC (drug of choice)? I'm guessing cocaine/crack or meth???