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Need help with bf addicted to pot + co-dependent relationship

Old 07-14-2013, 10:19 PM
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Need help with bf addicted to pot + co-dependent relationship

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I really needed some advice from people with experience dealing with addicts in their lives.

My bf is a former crack addict and meth user. He hasn't used any "hard" drugs for about two years now. We have been dating for a year and 5 months.

Ever since I met him he was a very heavy pot user. I don't have a problem with pot in moderation, but I've since learned that he started smoking pot when he was 10, and hasn't gone more than a month without it since. He is 21. If I had to estimate, he usually smokes pot at least 5-10x a day, every day. He has to smoke when he gets up in the morning. Without it he gets really irritable and mean and finds a way to get it from someone.

He's dealing with a lot from his past--I think he might have PTSD. He saw his friend overdose when he was into other drugs, and it still haunts his dreams. Ever since his uncle died at Christmas, he started having panic attacks when he leaves his house. So he is not really able to go anywhere. He also hasn't had a job since November, and he feels incapable of having a job. He plays video games and smokes pot every day. His car is broken and he hasn't fixed it so I drive him everywhere, when he is comfortable enough to go out occasionally. He lives with his mom who is very lax even though she doesn't approve of smoking pot. He dropped out of high school... He thinks he may have ADHD. He was the quintessential indifferent high school student/druggie. He sort of wants to go to school, but he doesn't want to put the work in. He plays guitar and his life plan is to do that and give guitar lessons.

I am worried that we are co-dependent and I am enabling him. I often buy him cigarettes, food, soda, or weed. I bring him food from my work every day because he often doesn't eat because his mom doesn't have proper food in the house... And he rarely eats when I'm not with him. He gets low blood sugar and gets really emotional. He keeps smoking weed even though I know it is making him even more anxious. He doesn't have health insurance. He wants to see a doctor for his anxiety and depression. I have given him resources to find a dr. that will prob. see him for free, offered to pay for it, and tried to get him involved in a paid clinical trial for PTSD where he could get paid for help... He has turned it all down. I know he needs to do this for himself and be active in pursuing it.

He always says I am being mean to him if I tell him I can't buy him something. I need to set some kind of bottom line because nothing I do is helping him. I think I may actually just be making him worse. I feel bad whenever I can't buy him something. But our relationship is so draining. We haven't been on a date since... October. He didn't get me or make me anything for my birthday, Valentine's day, or my birthday last year... He is always mad at me for not being supportive enough.. He has started drinking more and randomly takes shots of alcohol throughout the day. I think I am being co-dependent because I feel I take on all of his problems and worry about them all the time. But I feel like this relationship is also one sided and he does not really do anything but take. It is so draining. I just don't know what to do at this point. Any advice would be appreciated.

ETA: None of us have much money at all (me, his mom, or him). I have a spending problem... I think it's my coping mechanism to deal with the stress in my life.. I know he probably thinks that is selfish of me. His mom and I have jobs but we're both struggling to get by.
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Old 07-15-2013, 04:47 AM
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I think your bf needs to deal with his issues on his own.

And I think you need to deal with your issues on your own.

Please get educated about addiction, there is a ton of stuff to read here on the forum.

Yours is the typical addict co dependent relationship, as you said , he takes you give.

Al anon would be a great resource for you and individual counseling as well.

You are young, there is so much more to life then being used by a drug addict.

If you look in the substance abuse forum there are several threads there about pot addiction.

I hope you stick around, there is a lot of wisdom here, it sounds like you could use a lot of support and help.

You do not have to live this way, you are being used. It is probably in your best interest to go no contact with this guy and begin to take control of your own life.

We are here and we care. Hugs Katie
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Old 07-15-2013, 07:07 AM
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I am sorry you are stuck in this situation.

Well, he gave up one drug to do another...and another. Alcohol and weed, and from the sound of it he is heading downhill (taking alcohol shots all day...).

He desperately needs to grow up. He needs to take care of himself. He needs to be responsible for himself. He needs to be free to make those decisions, what he chooses from that point is up to him.

I totally understand having true mental health issues, but that is definitely not unusual when tied to drug use (whether they originated before using or during). The problem is, he isn't seeking help for them, so he is stuck in his own downward spiral. Likely a doc is going to tell him he needs to stop smoking weed and drinking, and he doesn't want to be told that, so its easier to use those issues to his advantage to manipulate you and his mother. Its a great control system.

Please read all the posties at the top of this forum. If you can find an al anon or nar anon meeting near you I would highly recommend you going.

You are too young to be letting your life be dragged down by his problems. Take care of yourself.
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Old 07-15-2013, 10:49 AM
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Thanks for the support you guys.

I know you are right, it's not easy facing these things and even harder to face my bf about them. But I know they must be done for his health and my own...
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Old 07-15-2013, 12:44 PM
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let's see.....
21 yr old high school drop out
lives at home
has no job
has no working car
no ambition
no money
smokes pot all day long
drinks
plays video games

but has a girlfriend who did
graduate
has a job
has a car
doesn't do drugs
has ambitions
has money

hmmmmm

time to cut him off hon. you ain't the bank. you're making it even easier than it is for him right now to keep doing absolutely nothing but sound like he is entitled to the moon.

he's a leech, dear. a mooch. he gripes when you do not give him what he wants...and what does he want? MONEY. has the audacity to b*tch if you spend your OWN MONEY on your self???

dude has issues. and you are not qualified OR obligated to fix them.
let this be a live and learn moment and move on with your precious young life!
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Old 07-15-2013, 05:43 PM
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Glad you are here...

My bf is a former crack addict and meth user. He hasn't used any "hard" drugs for about two years now. We have been dating for a year and 5 months.
then you said,
Ever since I met him he was a very heavy pot user.
Hard or soft, dry or wet, hot or cold, all drugs end lives.
He is not living, he is a leeching parasite, using the women who love him to get what he wants.

Snoprincess,

Please educate yourself about being codependent.
You are so young and you can stop this bad habit of "helping" grown men.

I am asking you to please put him back where you found him,
and move on by yourself for awhile.
Ask yourself why you would even want to be around someone who treats his mother badly?
(wow, i just had a big AHA! I have a son living with me. He cannot use or abuse anything here,
but he has not done anything productive for a long time. Sigh.)

Maybe you could try some AlAnon meetings, and you will meet others who understand
you and then you can begin to live your own life.
Not support a leeching, smoking, non-working, uneducated and actually mean person.

You have done what any caring person would do.
He has not grabbed the life savers you have thrown him.
He is not interested in changing, so the only thing you can do is change yourself.

I am so happy you found this forum.
So much information for you and lots of caring people.

Beth
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