pravchaw

Dear SR friends,

I am getting some great advise and feedback from all of you.. My previous thread was getting too long and cumbersome so I have started a new one.

My son is home now withdrawing from heavy long term regular marijuana use. He says he not smoked for 6 days. Extremely irritable and not pleasant to be around. Any tips on how to handle very early recovery?

Eve13

pravhaw, I have no tips, but want to say I am following your posts as we walk in similar places. I admire you and your wife agreeing to take your son back in, and having your boundaries firmly set. All the best to your son as he begins his recovery.

HopefulmomtoD

What about rehab? What happened? Detach as much as you can.

pravchaw

He has filled out the forms - it will take a few weeks to get everything lined up. Also he has got a new job starting on Monday - so he says he wants to try to lick this on his own. He says he will go to rehab only in case he really needs to. I did not argue. Thanks for advise on detaching - I needed that reminder. Its none of my business. I can only offer, cannot force, as long as he respects our boundaries.

Carrots

Boundaries are really hard. As you know, my dtr is outpatient rehab. But I think she might have relapsed. It's hard to know. Am I being paranoid? I'm supposed to stay out of it- and I'm doing pretty good at not freaking out. Im not snooping or trying to break in to her computer or following her around. (Even though everything is screaming inside my head to do so). I realize this is her battle, but how do you know if they really are following the rules/respecting the boundaries. I mean Im guessing shes not going to come in to my house and take a bong hit in front of me. I don't want to go looking for boundary breaking. I'm tired!!
What is your plan for your son? Maybe he's honest... Maybe mine is too...but I don't know how to trust her.

I need to go to a meeting but I just had surgery so I'm house bound. :-(

I'm glad your son is saying he wants recovery. I'm glad he has a job too! I'm hoping this is the real deal for him and you get some relief from worry. Prayers for your son and my daughter, both.

pravchaw

I don't think you are being paranoid, just realistic. As we have learnt the hard way, sobriety is rarely a straight road. My son has been smoking for the last 6 to 8 years, and as an addict for the last 3. Given that he is 21, that is a third of his life. He has not mentally matured. I don't think we need to go policing for boundary breaking, but if it becomes obvious then we have follow through. If he comes clearly high or I find him smoking in the yard, then he has to leave. However I don't want to go searching through his room. That will be our addiction not his. I am hoping too that this is real, and he is tired of his life style, but am prepared to protect my boundaries. If necessary.

cynical one

Do you have any boundaries on bad behavior? Like if the irritability or moodiness crosses the line and becomes abusive?

neferkamichael

I would make it clear to him that he has to stop. I was instantly addicted to marijuana at 17, I called it a gift from god. I became instantly addicted to cocaine at 25, and it was a disease from the devil. I didn't dare bring drugs or alcohol into my parents home, and the reason I didn't was because if things went bad for me on my own I would at least have a place to go. I think most 21 year old's don't want to loose their mother, so in whatever way you can make him understand how bad it will get for him if he goes back to using. I'm 59 years old and now 3 years sober and I have nothing else.

HopefulmomtoD

IDK, Pravchaw. Addicts are manipulative and he's managed to get what he wants- back in your house with Mom and Dad taking care of him.

It must be different in Canada that rehab takes several weeks? Here if you have insurance coverage they have to find you a spot. Or, if you're paying cash ... never a problem to get a spot somewhere obviously. The problem here is if you have no insurance coverage.

The last time my DS came back home, we told he had to be working on recovery HARD to live here. (AA meetings daily and sponsor)

I know its hard .... just some things that came to mind.

Good luck!

pravchaw

CN: I have not put explicit boundaries on moodiness or irritability. Right now I believe he is withdrawing so I have cut him some slack, I think the slack will be gone in a couple of weeks.
Neferkamichael, thank you very much for your comment and your unique insight into addict think. I think you are dead right. We need him to think through what he will lose if he uses again.
Hopeful mom : When my son was staying with us last time he was attending AA regularly but still smoking. But you are right that I should insist on some form of treatment if he wants to stay with us.
I also told him that he needs to go for a blood test in a month so that we know he is clean and every month there after.

Justfor1

pravchaw, if I recall he stole Grandmas ATM card to buy weed? That is serious addiction and it is highly unlikely he will be able to stop on his own. Marijuana today is not the same as the 1960's marijuana. It is strong and I'm sure he buys the "hydro" or good stuff. Dealers will often add other drugs to the pot to make it stronger as well. This is not a "party phase" for your son but likely chronic addiction.

pravchaw

Yesterday we all went to one of the best restaurant in the city for dinner. Both my sons ordered wine (sommelier's wine pairing) to go with the excellent price fixe menu. I understand AA philosophy forbids any mild altering substances. Not very logical I believe as my son never had a problem with alcohol (unless he is using it a substitute for mj). Is fine wine verboten for recovering mj addicts? Opinions please.

pravchaw

Justfor1 - what are you suggesting. Should I be forcing him into rehab? This did not turn out very well last time.

Carlotta

It is not so much that it is Verboten as that there is a change he could substitute one drug for another. If he is in NA which views alcohol as a drug and like AA is a program of complete abstinences from any mind altering substance, then he is not working an honest program.
If he is using another method, then it is different.
When I quit drinking I decided to quit smoking pot completely, not that I ever had a problem with pot but because with addictive personalities, it is just too easy to replace one drug for another.
Anyway, I don't think you should worry about the wine but if he starts bringing 6 packs at home then chances are he is substituting.

HopefulmomtoD

IMO, your son is an addict. His drug of choice is MJ, but he will substitute for other drugs most likely. Why does he like MJ? He likes feeling different or high. Alcohol will fulfill the void left by not smoking MJ.

Were you wrong last night to let him drink? IDK. On the one hand, I think its really important to spend time together as a family and have some positive experiences together again. Most likely had you made an issue out of it, your pleasant family experience would have gone downhill quickly. Also, he hasn't shown he has a problem with alcohol .... yet.

Personally, we don't drink around our son anymore. Of course, he does have a problem with alcohol. If I were you, I don't know that I could have enjoyed the wine with my DS knowing of his history.

So, in other words, I can see both sides, but I wouldn't do it.

The AA/NA follower would say no way. But, as we know there are some gray areas in addiction and not one answer for everyone.

SundaysChild

If he's going to AA, then he wasn't following program if he had a drink. I'm not familiar with marijuana addiction, as my son moved past there long ago, but I know that alcohol triggers the same areas of the brain that are triggered during opiate use, so for opiate users, it can be the first step towards relapse.

pravchaw

Carlotta and Hopeful mom. Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate response. I (like many of us) parents are feeling our way around this. He used to go to AA but he is not in it anymore. His tax return money just came in, which we will give to him tomorrow. Let us see if he relapses. I will keep you posted.

Eve13

pravchaw, these are, to some degree, unchartered waters we're in, but it seems like many families are walking on the same path.

Tax return money just came in? Does he have any legal bills that you've paid, or any debts owed to you/your wife? Can the money sit in an account? I ask, because our son cannot manage money at all. And right now, would probably relapse if he has a significant chunk of change. We are trying to keep temptations down, encouraging counseling and following a program. Proactive, I guess is the word I'm looking for.

Carrots

Maybe he could put some of that tax return money towards the $4500 that will be needed for rehab?

cleaninLI

Pravchaw,
Recovered addict here. Please DO NOT give your son his tax return money! Money = drugs in our addict mind. He is way too new to recovery to be able to thwart the temptation to purchase mj with that money. I have been in recovery for 4 months and still my family does not give me money. I know that if I am able to buy them I will.