pravchaw

Thanks. I will hold on to the money for now. He has gone to work. Unfortunately my wife said she found a bunch of empty beer cans and bottle of wine in the drawer of his night table. Clearly he is substituting alcohol for mj to cope. He was holed up in his room all weekend. Please advise.

Eve13

What was the agreement about using when he moved home? I don't recall, is he now agreeable to rehab and you're waiting for a bed? It's terrible when trust is violated, and as parents we try to support our kids. But there is a fine line between supporting and enabling and I guess that's the conversation you and your wife need to have, to determine the plan to present to your son.

HopefulmomtoD

Tell him the only way he can live in your home is if he attends rehab and is actively working on his recovery.

My son's counselor told me the average person goes to 2 to 3 rehabs before finding recovery. If he's dragging his feet about going, I'd show him the door.

I'm sorry, but not surprised. I'd also clear my house of alcohol before he does.

On the bright side, he always manages to find work. At least there is a spark of motivation there. ;-)

Eve13

Looking through this site today, i ran across articles that may help you and your wife. And ultimately your son. Check out the articles in the best of SR.

pravchaw

Thanks for your responses. It is clear he is "self medicating" to cope with mj withdrawal. I did not have an agreement per se for alcohol (but its clear that there is great risk of cross addiction - if anything alcohol addiction is probably as bad or worse than mj). Its not normal to isolate yourself and drink in one's bedroom.

I have sent in the forms for the rehab (not sure if he will willingly go or not), but I will insist on some form of therapy (his choice) starting now. If things don't improve, I will insist on in patient rehab.

HopefulmomtoD

His tax return can help pay for rehab/counseling. If he balks- you'll know he's not serious.

Rehab can't hurt. I know its a lot of money, but if you can afford it, I'd do it. I don't think I'd even give him he option. He's tried the self regulating/AA/ working with a sponsor for a while. It will get him started on recovery and give him tools. It will also give you and your wife a period of time where you know he's safe and give you some space to figure out how you want to proceed

I just remembered something my son said. He spent six months at a rehab and then sober living. He heard the steps over and over again. But, he says now, he didn't really "get it" til this last time in rehab.

Rehab isn't a cure all and some can even argue its waste of money but its the best we have at the moment.

Hang in there. My DS is now 6 months plus sober. Finished a couple of college courses with an A and a B and has been working full time. Still has work to do- but overall doing much better.

BeavsDad

He's already been to rehab and has experience with AA.
He has all the tools he needs to succeed. When he's ready.

How is letting him get get drunk in your house helping him?

He's an addict, addicted to substances. Alcohol is a substance.

"I will not have an active addict living in my home" is a clear cut boundary.

It's your house. You get to decide what that means. It doesn't matter if he thinks there's a double standard because other people get to drink. Tough sh*t.

He can always leave if he doesn't like it.

HopefulmomtoD

The other things is- do you want to be the warden in your house always checking up on him? Looking through his room? Administering drug tests?

This is so hard, I know. I really didn't want my son coming back home again after his last relapse. We/he had trouble finding an affordable sober living home, so he came back. But, he was VERY committed to recovery this time.

Don't let him get comfortable, lol. He most likely is going to have to be very uncomfortable to want to make changes.

AnvilheadII

in reading all this i have to wonder if this is JUST about a pot addiction. his behavior seems quite extreme, which could indicate other drugs. DRINKING is not a solution. it's a sign of desperation and inability to stop putting some type of mind/mood altering substance into his body. i think you are being duped. played.

Justfor1

Anvil, I tend to agree. Pot heads tend to have a slow but steady downward bottom. But this kid runs out of money quickly, struggles to keep a job, drops out of college ect...To the dad, if you drug test him don't be surprised to find other substances. I have known a few pot heads and none of them resorted to stealing from family members. Of course, I may be wrong but I hope you at least think about it.

GardenMama

Yes, don't let him get comfortable! That is great advice that in hindsight I realize helped my daughter take action towards recovery on her own.

I know this is so hard. He's done the paperwork and now you have to wait. Last summer those two weeks were the hardest of all...she was in our home, out getting high, coming back at all hours, and yes, I allowed that to happen. I could not put her out of the house at that point. It all felt so fragile and precarious...and I was afraid for her and for us. She did get a bed, and she did go to treatment. Every one of us has done this differently and though we all have advice for you, each of us is completely alone in the process itself. You are in my thoughts for wisdom and peace, Pravchaw. Take good care.

LoveMeNow

You are very loving and devoted Dad. Your son is very lucky, however he is making that your Achilles heel.

I would never of tried to pull this stuff with my dad because I knew I would be out that door so fast. My mother, that's a different story.

Your son apparently thinks your boundaries are weak and he can do whatever he wants without consequences.

I have played that same chess game with my own son. He was always 3-10 moves ahead of me. He knew my love would allow him to play me and that he did. I still love him very much, I just had to stop the game for me and him.

pravchaw

Thanks all for your advise and support. Anvil & Justfor1 - I really do not think he is using other substances. He is just extremely addicted to mj. All signs point to mj and alcohol - isolating, eye lids are bit hooded, lack of interest in anything except video games and internet. Appetite seems to be normal. I will however get him tested at the next visit to the doctor. He is not making much money and after paying his rent and bus pass has a couple of hundred left. He has managed to get social assistance till september and whatever he can make under the table as a hourly unskilled labourer (very sad because a couple of years ago he got into nuclear engineering before he crashed into severe addiction).

I have not observed any contractions of his pupils, drowsiness etc - which are signs of opiates. I also don't think its meth or cocaine which I believe are uppers and cause maniac behavior.

I will have a talk with him this evening and lay out the boundaries. He can continue to drink and can go back to his rented room OR get into an outpatient program or back into AA/NA immediately.

cynical one

Say what you mean, mean what you say. The lesson you are teaching him is that you don't stick to what you say, so he doesn't have to stand by any agreement either. In 8 short days he has gone from agreeing to rehab to getting loaded in your home.

July 7
July 11
July 12
July 15
July 15

allforcnm

I think its really hard to tell at this point what is going on. Has he been mixing mj with large amounts of alcohol all along, or is he really trying to stop the mj and is suffering withdrawals (even if only emotional) and is now trying to self medicate with alcohol? It doesn't sound like he has been drunk in your home, and yet he knows you have searching privileges and he is not sneaking the bottles of alcohol out of the house. I don't think he is bashing your boundaries at this point, but I think this again shows he needs professional help because possibly more is going on behind the scenes emotionally causing the use of the substances. Your a good dad, none of this is easy.

cynical one

Really?

allforcnm

Yes really. I cant say he was drunk. I don't know when his room was last searched, or how long he was accumulating bottles. I don't see signs of his walking around the house drunk, or being unable to control himself. I don't know if he was in his room boarded up smoking mj or playing video games, or drinking himself silly. It is a definite problem, but if there was nothing specific in the "rules" about drinking, and he is of age, then until this issue is addressed as a house rule... then in my mind is not breaking a boundary that was set.

cleaninLI

Pravchaw,
You seem to be a well educated, kind hearted and loving dad. Seems like you had a good upbringing and raised your son well. I am sure you have high expectations for your son to have an enxcellent education and have a rewarding professional career someday. In fact, you remind me so much of my own father. He always cared so much for us and always went out of his way to help us. It must be a huge blow to see your son's life unravelling before your eyes. You are powerlessly, watching, your son destroy his future and you have no control over it. It is so hard for you to take a stand and force your son to decide rehab and your continued support or drugs and cutting off your support. It is especially hard since he is finally back home again. You can not bring yourself to say goodbye once again. Your son knows you better then anyone else. He knows how you feel about family sticking together. He knows how much you love him. He knows just how far he can go with you. Think about it, do you really want to be going thru this for the next 25 years? In five years from now, do you want to receive a call from your son asking you to bail him out of jail? Or throwing your savings away on Unnecessary lawyer fees? Wouldn't you rather put this all behind you now while he is still young? If you want your son to change you need to continue to change. Keep those boundaries in place, ok?

AnvilheadII

delete -self censor

pravchaw

We have no alcohol in the house which is accessible. I really think he has not smoked mj since he moved in last week. mj has been his undoing. We would have definitely noticed mj as we are on the alert for it. I did not perceive alcohol to be his drug of choice. However I certainly don't want him to turn into an alcoholic. I have to think through this calmly, discuss with my wife, before I drop a ton of bricks on him and boot him out again. He is after all 21 yo and entitled to a degree of privacy inspite of his disease or disorder.