dogluvah

I recently posted about a ex-drug user and ex alcoholic. Anyway, he was crazy about me, I said something he didn't like and he hung up on me. So, I was snooping on his online dating profile, and he contacted me. I thought he was contacting me because he wasn't over me. Anyway, he invited me to church and then after a few messages, he says he only just wants to be my friends. Now, I have chased him all morning. Pressuring him about why he's over me, etc. I can't stand that he's over me and doesn't want to date me again. He says he only wants to go to church and movies once in awhile. It's the rejection that I can't stand.

What do I do? What advice can you give me?

dogluvah

I really need some help! I feel like I'm going crazy. Can someone please advise me?!

dogluvah

Ok, we had some more words. I tell him to come by at 4:30pm, give me a kiss, and lets' catch up and talk. He reads the message, no answer. Then I tell him that I'm not going to church with him, I'm going to another church with a friend, and to call me after church if he wants to take me out on a date tonight. I then say I don't want to be friends, only date. He reads that and responds that he's not coming by, it's not a good idea that we go to church together because he doesn't want to argue. He says we can try again to go to church in a few weeks if I want a friend. He then says he will talk to me, probably via facegook message in a few days. Why? I don't know. I tell him "how dare you turn out a date with me, and let's see if you can do better.". So that was that? Anyone know why he would want to message me in a few days? Or was he just being nice?

What do you guys make of this? If this guy completely done with me? Or will I hear from him again as a man who wants to date me?

lizwig

Hi Dogluvah. Yes it sounds like he is trying to be nice. The back and forth up and down seems very crazy to me. It sounds like one minute you're telling him you want to be friends the next you don't. This is crazy making. If I recall you are both in your mid 40's and he still lives at his mother's house....that lacks some real immaturity as did the other behavior you had mentioned. I don't think this man is mature enough for adult conversation but would be remiss if I didn't point out you are contributing as well. Not trying to hurt your feelers....but why not take a break...focus on why you would even want to be with someone who isn't entirely sure he wants to be with you. Healthy attracts healthy. Time to refocus some energies. 900 years ago when I was single...it often seemed when I was healthiest in myself I had more men interested in me than when I was feeling neurotic about a lost relationship. Start working on you...good things will follow.

dogluvah

lizwig, I will take a break. He told me an hour ago that he was leaving. And he is still on Facebook going around and around with me. He says he doesn't have a friend like me to do things with. He now says I'm scaring him, but why does he continue to message me? After asking him if he is picking me up for church and then getting no answer, I just said, "BYE!". He just looked at that too. He's not out running errands like he said.

lizwig, do you think this is the last I've heard from him?

Please reply. I'm dying from the rejection here!!!

Should I send anymore messages to him. My feelings are really hurt now. He's not taking me to church. He has not picked up the phone to call me. He said he's only interested in friendship.

lizwig

I'm sorry you are struggling. Listen carefully to his words. He is telling you that you are scaring him and that he only wants to be friends. Believe him. Shut down your Facebook and go do something fun. This sounds really dysfunctional to me. With or without the addiction. Have you read the book co-dependent no more by Melody beattie? It's really good and may help you identify why you are putting your feelings of self worth in this guy. A long time ago a friend of mine had a guy that would not listen to her Gentle attempts at breaking things off with him. She finally said to him, in front of our while group no less, "you are like a booger I cannot get off my finger. I...can....not...flick....You....off"!!! I felt really embarrassed and awkward for him but she was right. And who wants to be a booger!? Pick yourself up and leave him in the rear view mirror.

dogluvah

Here are the messages that went forth today:

Me: "I really missed your sweet personality while we weren't speaking. Such a shame. Bye.C'mon, xxx. Just tell me. I'd really like to know. Why are you over me? I want to date you again. If you want to date me. Let me know. You can laugh around me as much as you want, sweet man. Now, did you still want me to go to church with you? Why don't you call me so that we can talk? If there is another woman in the picture I can respect that and bow out."

Him: " lol Yes you are and I respect that. Can we start as friends and see what happens? That way it's not all complicated to soon."

Him: "Okay just stop browntresses!! lol I'm not sure if we are right for each other. Maybe our personalities are just to different. Alls I know is it would be nice to see you and go to church with you. That's all. No funny business. lol"

Him: "I do still like you but I don't want to lead you on and then hurt you. I can be blunt too."

Him: "I don't want to get involved and then have to back out and hurt you. I am a gentlemen."

Him: "I just thought we could be friends, Browntresses. I thought that would be nice. Someone to go to church with once in a while. Maybe a movie now and then. I'm not sure if I want more. I am being honest and I know you appreciate that. I just want to be your friend. "

Him: "Browntresses, I really have to go now. I really need to relax and enjoy the service tonight and I don't want any pressure or to argue. Thank you for all the sweet things you have said. You are sweet. You mean a lot to me too. I'm just not ready to give you an answer now. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. Maybe we can try to go as friends on Wednesday in a few weeks. If you write back now and I don't answer it's because I'm leaving now and not just ignoring you. Your friend xxxx."

And this is the last thing I wrote, "You rotten f*cking a**hole. You really hurt my feelings. Here I am giving you another shot, and this is what I get. Like I said, let's see if you can do better..."

Lizwig, would you still say that it is over? And this is the last I will ever hear from him? If so, I will go and shutdown facebook now. I've really lost it! I haven't called anyone those names in a long, long time.

Shiek

It sounds to me like the relationship is over, I'm sorry. Maybe it's just best to shut down your facebook and move on, I'm sorry but he doesn't sound interested and you have to respect he was honest about it and didn't drag it out, plenty of fish in the sea, maybe in a few months once everything has cooled down you two can try and be friends, I know it's painful and rejection really hurts but it's probably time to let go, best wishes and luck.

LoveMeNow

IMO, I would hold off dating anyone right now and really do some hard work on myself. Fining out the route problem for your fear of rejection and/or abandonment is important to your emotional health.

Healthy people attract healthy people, sick people attract sick people.

He was honest and stated his feelings very clearly. I give him credit for that. I am confused why you refused to respect his feelings and boundaries.

dogluvah

lizwig do you agree with Shiek after reading my lastest post on the conversation we had today? I'd like to hear others chime in too. Thanks everyone.

dogluvah

LovemeNow, it just seems like he wasn't sure. If you'll notice in one of the messages he said, "let start out as friends and see what happens. That way it won't be complicated". Then he said, "I can't make that decision right now". Did you read that part? It's in my post directly previous to this one.

LoveMeNow

I read it. He was clear to me about what he wanted and it wasn't good enough for you. In your mind, he should jump at the chance to be in a relationship with you. When he refused more, you lashed out in anger.

That's my take on it. IMO, this is not about him or what he did or didn't write. This has to do with you and your inability to be rejected.

lizwig

It sounds to me like he is trying to let you down easy. I would say work on yourself and down the road if you can be friends then try but you need to respect the boundaries he's asking for. I know it's painful but once you start empowering yourself I think you'll feel better. I think we've all tried to tell you essentially the same thing. Work on you...it will be time well spent and time you'll never regret.....

dogluvah

My friend thinks he will message me in a few days. None of you think that that will happen?

In the mean time, I am going to work on myself and get some professional help.

lizwig

Whether he does or doesn't working on you is a gift you can give yourself. Ultimately your relationship with yourself should be the most meaningful one you have.

dogluvah

LoveMeNow, I'm not clear about what you are saying. What do you mean he was clear to you about what he wanted? What does he want?

Mountainmanbob

AnvilheadII

he SAID he wasn't that interested....I don't know how much clearer it needs to be? I think you would do well to steer clear of all men until you regain a sense of balance and security. that may take a while.

this is a completely inappropriate response:

"You rotten f*cking a**hole. You really hurt my feelings. Here I am giving you another shot, and this is what I get. Like I said, let's see if you can do better..."

he's not the issue here............

dogluvah

Ok, update: He read the cursing message at 4:26 pm and blocked me from replying to his messages to Facebook at 4:45pm. Another one of his childish tantrums. The reason that we broke up in the first place was because he hung up on me during a disagreement over the phone. How can you communicate with someone like this?

mstrust

i really hate to say anything that might come off wrong, but your response to him that was highlighted by anvil was tantrum-like. i can't blame him for blocking you. i agree that you probably should steer clear of relationships for a bit and work on yourself.