Can a relationshp surrive a Halfway house
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Baya,
there is nothing wrong with planning. Sometimes in AA there is an attitude that we need not plan, that all will be well with God's providence. But Bill W once wrote that God's providence was to give us brains. Possibly where the alcoholic runs into trouble with planning is in planning the results and placing expectations on them. Whe expectations aren't met, resentment sets in. So I make my plans, but the results are in God's hands.
we alcWies can also use up a lot of energy fretting over the past and worrying about the future, we can get so caught up in this that we forget about the only day that counts, today!
I once heard a quote that sums up living one day at a time quite well. It went something like this " Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery. But today, lived well, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope"
there is nothing wrong with planning. Sometimes in AA there is an attitude that we need not plan, that all will be well with God's providence. But Bill W once wrote that God's providence was to give us brains. Possibly where the alcoholic runs into trouble with planning is in planning the results and placing expectations on them. Whe expectations aren't met, resentment sets in. So I make my plans, but the results are in God's hands.
we alcWies can also use up a lot of energy fretting over the past and worrying about the future, we can get so caught up in this that we forget about the only day that counts, today!
I once heard a quote that sums up living one day at a time quite well. It went something like this " Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery. But today, lived well, makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a vision of hope"
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 625
Originally Posted by Lily1918 
I second this motion! and I would like to add, that as loved ones of addicts, we will always be second. recovery is ALWAYS first. so.... do you want to always be second? we are always second. either to drugs, or to recovery.
In a relationship with someone of faith, you shall always be second to their faith/god.
In any heathy relationship with someone with diabetes, you'll always be second to their insulin. Cancer? Their chemotherapy. etc., etc.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I will offer this up for your consideration...
My exABF had been in and out of treatment well over a dozen times.
He had lived in dozens (seriously...dozens) of halfway houses.
Nothing had "stuck" and made him stick with his recovery.
When we were together I thought I helped to provide a healthy atmosphere. I am in recovery myself...and after being with him I was immersed in al anon as well. I read everything I could, went to intensive retreats to learn how to deal better, I knew all of his tricks, all of his rationalizing and justifying behaviors. And I also believed I could do a "better job" of holding him accountable because I would "know" if he had relapsed.
Yes...I DID know. Probably not all of it, but eventually after that last treatment, after they had recommended a halfway house and WE had decided that "coming home" would be a better plan...well, yes I DID know when he relapsed.
The absolute worst part of my story is that eventually his disease used me as an excuse to use. The denial, manipulation and deceit (which allow an addict to continue using) conspired to blame me.
I think he knew that I was finally done. And when I was done I became his latest excuse.
Consider this. If you live together, and he does not go to the recommended halfway house (assuming it is recommended...) if he does go out and relapse then he can easily say "ah well...I should have done what they recommended".
Give yourselves some time. His going to a halfway house is not the same as "you walking away". Life is not black and white. Check out al anon. Check into your own recovery...it is the absolute best thing you can do for the situation!
Peace!
My exABF had been in and out of treatment well over a dozen times.
He had lived in dozens (seriously...dozens) of halfway houses.
Nothing had "stuck" and made him stick with his recovery.
When we were together I thought I helped to provide a healthy atmosphere. I am in recovery myself...and after being with him I was immersed in al anon as well. I read everything I could, went to intensive retreats to learn how to deal better, I knew all of his tricks, all of his rationalizing and justifying behaviors. And I also believed I could do a "better job" of holding him accountable because I would "know" if he had relapsed.
Yes...I DID know. Probably not all of it, but eventually after that last treatment, after they had recommended a halfway house and WE had decided that "coming home" would be a better plan...well, yes I DID know when he relapsed.
The absolute worst part of my story is that eventually his disease used me as an excuse to use. The denial, manipulation and deceit (which allow an addict to continue using) conspired to blame me.
I think he knew that I was finally done. And when I was done I became his latest excuse.
Consider this. If you live together, and he does not go to the recommended halfway house (assuming it is recommended...) if he does go out and relapse then he can easily say "ah well...I should have done what they recommended".
Give yourselves some time. His going to a halfway house is not the same as "you walking away". Life is not black and white. Check out al anon. Check into your own recovery...it is the absolute best thing you can do for the situation!
Peace!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Baya
Does the addict appericate you standing by his side or would I be doing him a favor if I walked away?
My husband came home after rehab, and your right in that it was comforting to have a plan in place, a timeframe to work with. I understand your feelings of uncertainty in the situation. I personally think the best thing is to maintain open communication with your BF, and talk about your feelings. You are correct, life is full of choices. He can choose to go to a half way house in order to support his recovery, but odds are he will still be expected to be able to handle other life responsibilities… like a job. In thinking like this, I have always wondered why some believe this is acceptable, but a relationship should be set aside. Life is comprised of many things; and we have to find balance, or we are not really living fully. Just my ponderings.
Having a life apart.. my definition of this is really just having your own interest, things that you can do alone, or with other friends, things that enhance your life, goals just for you. Maybe it involves work, school, hobbies.
One thing is certain I think... if it is meant to be, it will be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 34
Allforcnm,
I hide its of my fears from him because I do not want to overwhelm him. I do want what ever is best for him. He has been in treatment before throuout life but never a halfway house. Six months apart is not the worse thing that could happen simply not what I want if that makes any since.
I hide its of my fears from him because I do not want to overwhelm him. I do want what ever is best for him. He has been in treatment before throuout life but never a halfway house. Six months apart is not the worse thing that could happen simply not what I want if that makes any since.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 34
Atalose very interesting point. I do have fears of where I fit in when he is sober. Will he be the same man? Will he still love me? I am by no means addicted to anything and have accomidated him in every way to help him become sober. But what happens when he can take care of himself. When he no longer needs me to "help" him. Will I for the first time be in a healthy relationship? Or will I suddenly feel he no longer needs me. Do I associate him needing me with loving me? When he is sober he is amazing. The most caring loving man I have ever met. He has never been mean when he is drinking at all, but he is slowly killing himself. He drinks one day and is hungover the next.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Do you want to be his mother - caring and helping him?
Or do you want to be his girlfriend - grown independent adults who should be capable of caring for them selves.
If you’re looking to take care of someone, want someone who “needs” you – then find a babysitting job.
Those are not healthy traits for an adult relationship, those are the things that smother them and burn them out.
Your codependency is telling you all the wrong things about love and relationships.
Or do you want to be his girlfriend - grown independent adults who should be capable of caring for them selves.
If you’re looking to take care of someone, want someone who “needs” you – then find a babysitting job.
Those are not healthy traits for an adult relationship, those are the things that smother them and burn them out.
Your codependency is telling you all the wrong things about love and relationships.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Baya
Does the addict appericate you standing by his side or would I be doing him a favor if I walked away?
What I am telling you is that for a romantic relationship to work, both parties need their sh*t together. Otherwise, things generally won't go well. So when you ABF goes to a halfway house, he's got a lot on his plate in terms of recovery/sobriety/whatever. The best way to help him, and by extension helping yourself, is to be aware of this and understand that his recovery is going to take precendence over your relationship with him.
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 34
ZoSo,
I am the first to admit I like black and white it is easy.
I came on line hoping to find another person who had been in my shoes. Someone who would understand the insecurities, the fears, and the accomplishments of the person standing by the ABF.
I am a very intelligent person but when it comes to matters of the heart there are no solid answers. I just want somone who can say I understand I know that the thought of being away from him for any length of time is scary regardless of the fact that it is the right thing for both of us. His being sober is the only way he will live.
I am the first to admit I like black and white it is easy.
I came on line hoping to find another person who had been in my shoes. Someone who would understand the insecurities, the fears, and the accomplishments of the person standing by the ABF.
I am a very intelligent person but when it comes to matters of the heart there are no solid answers. I just want somone who can say I understand I know that the thought of being away from him for any length of time is scary regardless of the fact that it is the right thing for both of us. His being sober is the only way he will live.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Baya...
Do you know what's scarier than being apart from him? Being with him while he's in full blown alcoholism. Because that's something that you have no control over, and it's the most helpless feeling in the world watching somebody you care about self-destruct.
So, yeah, I get your apprehension, and I get why you're scared. But what I'm trying to tell you is you have control over how you handle the separation. And in order to get a handle on it, you have to accept that, for now, the relationship will have to take a back seat. Doesn't mean you have to like it. Doesn't mean you'll be comfortable with it. But it does mean is YOUR life goes on, and you can work on you.
Having been in your shoes, I would encourage you to find a local Al Anon meeting in your area so you can receive face-to-face support. I would also read as many of the posts and sticky notes as you can while you're here. Remember: you're doing that for you, not for your ABF. You can get through this, if you do the right things...
Hang in there. You'll be OK.
ZoSo
Do you know what's scarier than being apart from him? Being with him while he's in full blown alcoholism. Because that's something that you have no control over, and it's the most helpless feeling in the world watching somebody you care about self-destruct.
So, yeah, I get your apprehension, and I get why you're scared. But what I'm trying to tell you is you have control over how you handle the separation. And in order to get a handle on it, you have to accept that, for now, the relationship will have to take a back seat. Doesn't mean you have to like it. Doesn't mean you'll be comfortable with it. But it does mean is YOUR life goes on, and you can work on you.
Having been in your shoes, I would encourage you to find a local Al Anon meeting in your area so you can receive face-to-face support. I would also read as many of the posts and sticky notes as you can while you're here. Remember: you're doing that for you, not for your ABF. You can get through this, if you do the right things...
Hang in there. You'll be OK.
ZoSo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Baton Rouge
Posts: 34
Thank you I do have some really great news on Friday I am goin to his treatment center for a day of learning with other family members. I think that will be very beneficial.
And If I listen to the people who have been through this already I will be fine. But I am sure I will lose site of things from time to time.
Baya
And If I listen to the people who have been through this already I will be fine. But I am sure I will lose site of things from time to time.
Baya
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Columbus
Posts: 13
When my husband first entered rehab, I had a very, very hard time with him being away for five days with no way to contact him. I would have absolutely resisted any talk of a sober living house. In my mind, he would have a much better chance of success in his own home where he could be made comfortable. "Besides," I thought, "He needs me. If I'm not there to guide him and take care of him, he might not succeed." Little did I know how condescending that attitude really was at its core. The "I know best" attitude will only hurt, not help.
After he relapsed, I found this site and began doing a lot of reading. It only occurred to me then that I don't *want* him to need me. I want to have a partner who is my equal, with neither of us dependent on the other. While he did not enter a sober living facility (heavy NA attendance, etc instead), I would definitely not have resisted at all this second time had he told me he wanted to go. Instead I would have welcomed the opportunity. This is because I love him, but I am learning to love myself too. We would each have been able to focus on our own recovery- him from his addiction and co-dependency and me from my co-dependency- apart from each other. There's no guarantee that he will stay sober either way, but it would have made it easier for us to make the relationship a secondary issue to recovery. While it might have been painful, sometimes that's needed for true healing to happen.
Understand that he probably won't be all better if he comes straight home. I'm speaking from my experience and from the stories of others I've read here. People start to feel better at that 30 day mark (or so I hear) but they won't necessarily feel good consistently for months afterward. It will be better than when he's actively abusing for sure, but you have to be prepared for the realities of recovery, whatever they might be in his case. The hardest thing to do with my husband living at home is to not jump in and make him feel better or fix a problem for him whenever he's having a bad day or just feeling bad. You sound like me last year, so I suspect this may be hard for you too. You won't be doing anyone any favors long term though by doing so.
This time around, I'm making myself my biggest priority. He can't meet my needs right now, because he needs to focus on his recovery- something else I wasn't okay with at first ("Why won't he pay more attention to me/show me more affection/go out with me, etc), but am totally fine with now. *I* can meet my needs, and the more time I put into doing so, the more that belief will become intrinsic.
If he does opt for a sober living house, try and see it as an opportunity for you both to become stronger, better people. If it works out, your relationship will be so much better and more fulfilling as a result. And if it doesn't, you will have done a beautiful thing if you succeed in learning to take care of yourself first, and will lead a much happier, more fulfilling life generally.
After he relapsed, I found this site and began doing a lot of reading. It only occurred to me then that I don't *want* him to need me. I want to have a partner who is my equal, with neither of us dependent on the other. While he did not enter a sober living facility (heavy NA attendance, etc instead), I would definitely not have resisted at all this second time had he told me he wanted to go. Instead I would have welcomed the opportunity. This is because I love him, but I am learning to love myself too. We would each have been able to focus on our own recovery- him from his addiction and co-dependency and me from my co-dependency- apart from each other. There's no guarantee that he will stay sober either way, but it would have made it easier for us to make the relationship a secondary issue to recovery. While it might have been painful, sometimes that's needed for true healing to happen.
Understand that he probably won't be all better if he comes straight home. I'm speaking from my experience and from the stories of others I've read here. People start to feel better at that 30 day mark (or so I hear) but they won't necessarily feel good consistently for months afterward. It will be better than when he's actively abusing for sure, but you have to be prepared for the realities of recovery, whatever they might be in his case. The hardest thing to do with my husband living at home is to not jump in and make him feel better or fix a problem for him whenever he's having a bad day or just feeling bad. You sound like me last year, so I suspect this may be hard for you too. You won't be doing anyone any favors long term though by doing so.
This time around, I'm making myself my biggest priority. He can't meet my needs right now, because he needs to focus on his recovery- something else I wasn't okay with at first ("Why won't he pay more attention to me/show me more affection/go out with me, etc), but am totally fine with now. *I* can meet my needs, and the more time I put into doing so, the more that belief will become intrinsic.
If he does opt for a sober living house, try and see it as an opportunity for you both to become stronger, better people. If it works out, your relationship will be so much better and more fulfilling as a result. And if it doesn't, you will have done a beautiful thing if you succeed in learning to take care of yourself first, and will lead a much happier, more fulfilling life generally.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
It is absolutely hard to not know when your loved one is coming home. I kicked my husband out like 18 days ago and I have missed him but like someone said, missing him is better than dealing with the lies and manipulation etc.
That being said, i also caved last night and spent the night with him in his hotel room. My heart got the best of me and now I am confused again.
He still isn't coming home yet, but I feel like I screwed everything up. How can I continue to detach with love and just let him fend for himself out there after we made love and had such nice and important conversations together where we felt like a team again? I'm not sending a clear message to him either. <sigh>
I worry I am making mistakes -- but I just wanted to say that I get that is hard not to know when your loved one will be coming home.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
That being said, i also caved last night and spent the night with him in his hotel room. My heart got the best of me and now I am confused again.
He still isn't coming home yet, but I feel like I screwed everything up. How can I continue to detach with love and just let him fend for himself out there after we made love and had such nice and important conversations together where we felt like a team again? I'm not sending a clear message to him either. <sigh>
I worry I am making mistakes -- but I just wanted to say that I get that is hard not to know when your loved one will be coming home.
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by Baya
Allforcnm,
I hide its of my fears from him because I do not want to overwhelm him. I do want what ever is best for him. He has been in treatment before throuout life but never a halfway house. Six months apart is not the worse thing that could happen simply not what I want if that makes any since.
I hide its of my fears from him because I do not want to overwhelm him. I do want what ever is best for him. He has been in treatment before throuout life but never a halfway house. Six months apart is not the worse thing that could happen simply not what I want if that makes any since.
It sounds like this what you realize also in regards to your boyfriend. Its just hard to do I know. I also think I know what you mean about overwhelming him with your fears; I tried to always be honest with my husband, but I focused mostly on the here and now, and maybe a brief plan for the future. the plans then developed gradually as time went on. I worked with a therapist when my husband was in rehab, and she was a big help. She helped we work through my fears, many feelings from the past, and how to get a grip on the future. A lot of my issues were resolved that way, and it turned out to be a good experience.
Great News on your family sesssion. Hopefully this will be a big help, and maybe ease some of your fears too.
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