Baya

My boyfriend is currently in treatment for alcoholism, and I have no idea how to handle the possibility of a halfway house.

My Boyfriend is currently in a 28 day program and this I can put my head around. I have a definite time when he will be home and a prayer that he will remain sober. We have discussed a halfway house and that I just can not get confortable with because it does not come with a time to be home. Maybe someone who has experienced this can shed some light on the matter. I have no intentions of ever leaving him I will stand by him no matter what. I simply need to learn how to adjust to the one day at a time.

Gottalife

Hi Baya,
He will no doubt come out with a few new ideas himself, but I suppose the thing to recognise is that what ever he does, he does, and there is not much you can do about it.
The best thing I can suggest is for you to get in touch with Alanon. They can't fix your boyfriend, but they can show you how to take care of yourself in these circumstances.

Baya

Thank you Mike. I have been to a few al anon meetings and I'm still struggling. I am a very planned person and learning to live one day at a time is difficult. I read about alcoholism and I am trying to educate myself.

legna

I'm not sure I can tell you HOW to adjust to one day at a time, but I may be able to give you some encouragement. We waited from June 1988 without knowing if my wife would ever be able to come home. It wasn't until June of 2011 that we received a date on which she would come home.

If you're willing to wait, you can wait longer than you think - even without a date. If I can do it - so can you.

Mountainmanbob

Baya

Legna how did you do it you must know something I do not know?

AnvilheadII

what is it about HIM living in a halfway house that bothers you? that might be very key. it's HIS recovery and HIS life and these are HIS choices to make, ultimately. as oneHP just said, it's wise to thoroughly vet the residence first - however even in the BEST of circumstances, if an addict wants to use it won't matter if they are in a halfway house or church!!!

what are you doing for YOU while he is away? you are important and this is a good time to really focus on you and you alone!

Baya

I am not good at focusing on me. Helping him came much easier. What scares me is what would scare anyone when there significant other were gone for an indefinant time. I know military wives go through this all the time.

Baya

What I just read is it is his recovery his choice. He also made a choice to be in a relationship.

legna

Maybe I do...but I surely didn't when the journey began. Writing is healing for me; I wrote this many years ago but thought I'd share it with you - I was just going to copy/paste the last paragraph but it was weird out of context and so you get it all. Really though, it's the last paragraph - remembering to be grateful.

Other men wake up in the morning, open their eyes and find them resting upon their wives. The might make coffee for her as she cooks breakfast or give her a kiss on their way out the door to work. Other men might give her a call in the middle of the day just to tell her they love her or hear the sound of her voice. They might send her flowers for no particular reason or surprise her by swinging by for lunch. When other men return home from work at the end of their day, their wives might be there to greet them with a smile and a hug. They might cook, sit and eat together; they might cuddle up on the couch together watching a movie or talking about their days and finally, they might head to bed where he can fall asleep knowing she is safe with his arms wrapped lovingly around her.

Other men can see their wives every day; they don’t need another man’s permission to do so. Other men don’t need stand by impotently while personifications of insecurity and fear masquerading as men find new ways to belittle, disrespect and dehumanize her. Other men don’t drive twelve hundred miles every week for the privilege of seeing the woman they love. Their kisses, embraces, letters and phone calls aren’t restricted or monitored. Other men can put their arm around their wife when they sense she needs his touch; they can make her laugh when life’s getting too stressful. Other men can hold their wife when she cries; they can tend to her when she’s sick.

Other men, but not me.

My wife is in prison. The simplest acts of a husband are, on those rare occasions when they are even possible, monumental challenges. While the love is easy, every other aspect of our lives seems incredible hard. And yet, if I take a moment and examine my situation honestly, I would not trade my life for anyone’s on the planet. No other man can call my baby his wife. No other man can lay claim to her love or have her be the willing recipient of his love. I am somehow, miraculously, living the one life I would choose if I could choose amongst all the over six billion lives being lived on earth – the life of the man who is loved by this woman.

How in the life of a man so blessed, the life of a man living the one life he would choose if he was free to choose from all that exist, how is it that he can ever forget to be grateful? How can joy, even for a moment, slip away? How can the pressures of the day, the difficulties at work, or an unkind word from some inconsequential soul – how can that measure next to the greatest gift imaginable? What is it in a man that makes him so quick to forgo his gratitude and joy over even the pettiest of life’s transgressions? I truly regret that I may never know – but I know this: By a gift of human nature, I have the power of choice; and in this moment I resolve, that no matter what challenges life continues to bring, to always remember to experience the joy and gratitude that I am not other men.

Baya

Wow that was really powerful. Not many people understand why we stay i know it is how that confuses me at times.

legna

Thanks, always a little scary sharing stuff out of the diary.

Baya

I like to write as well. I just found this site and I think it is awesome to share. I can council everyone but me.

zoso77

I would encourage you to not think in terms of whether the relationship will survive the halfway house, but whether he does well, and whether you do well. His recovery has to come before the relationship, and whether or not you realize it, you need to live a life apart from him...

ZoSo

Baya

I suppose I am not at a point that I understand why I need a life apart from him. Wouldn't that be giving up on him?

BB89

Baya,

I also found myself in your situation a few months ago. My boyfriend also chose to move to a sober living home after rehab. He had a general timeline for the amount of time he would stay there but I knew that could and probably would change. He has been there for three months. It has been a long, hard three months but it honestly does get better every day. Him and I agreed to pretty much put our relationship aside while he is there which was painful at first but I have come to accept and appreciate it. We still speak but not too often and I see him usually once or twice a month.

The time he intended on leaving is approaching and he is still not sure he is ready to come home. That is ok. I cannot rush his recovery or put any pressure on him to return home because that is unfair to him. He is doing what he knows is best for him and I must respect that. In fact, I want him to stay where he is. Not because I don't miss him or want to see him, because he needs to be whole again when he returns. He is no good to himself, me or our relationship if he cannot heal in the way he needs.

I can't tell you what your experience will be like, but I can tell you that if you truly love him, you must support him on this. If he is willing to put in the time it will be well worth it in the end. This time you will spend apart can be a blessing in disguise if you choose to view it that way. I was terrified at first. Honestly, I was afraid he would grow away from me. But I realized I was afraid because I knew I was sick too. I was terribly co-dependent and I knew it. I was afraid he would see it and not want me around him anymore. I, like you, would rather focus on others instead of myself but that is not healthy. I have spent this time apart from him working on myself just as much as he is working on himself. I don't do it for him anymore though, I do it for me. You can do it too.

Lily1918

I second this motion! and I would like to add, that as loved ones of addicts, we will always be second. recovery is ALWAYS first. so.... do you want to always be second? we are always second. either to drugs, or to recovery.

Baya

I know it will not be an easy road nothing worth having ever is.

Baya

Does the addict appericate you standing by his side or would I be doing him a favor if I walked away?

Mountainmanbob