Followed advice and now I am in so much Pain
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oldfort, Tn
Posts: 15
Followed advice and now I am in so much Pain
Its been a few weeks since I wrote..Have had so much to deal with, with husbands illness and dr appts.. You all inspired me with your responses on my dilemma with my AS who is 28.
It all came to a head a few days ago. Started by him bringing some girl around here thinking she was gonna stay here. Could tell she was all tweaked up also. They were outside laying on my deck and would not leave. My older son stepped outside and she gave him a note to give to me. Which was saying I was a horrible rotten person and should be ashamed of myself and so on...Mind you, I never met nor do I know this girl. My husband took the note and went outside, I followed. He was telling her very nicely she had no right to write that to me, that we don't even know her. She was just ugly mouthed. So I got in her face and told her to get off my deck, she wouldn't so my husband turned her towards the stairs and my AS jumped up and lunged at my husband.
Knowing full well one hit to his spleen and can kill him, My AS was punching my husband. Next thing I know my other 2 sons have jumped in and I am on very bottom of all 4 of these guys. Finally got the police here, but my AS also called police and told them this was his residence and we all assaulted him.
I broke down and cried to the officers please I don't want him to go to prison as he is on 8 yrs felony probation. That he needed help, not prison. They were very very kind to me. They took my AS into custody, the girl ran, cops said they had a warrant for her in another county. Anyway my AS starts calling me next day from jail, demanding I write a check and bail him out or he has 3 warrants and we will be arressted for assaulting him, I never laid a hand on him.
I finally have turned my phone off and terrified he may get released and he will come right back here or he may do some time, either way am terrified.
I got pretty injured in this. My knee is so swollen and purple and very hard to walk and many other bruises and soreness. I am so torn to pieces..How can my AS attack us like that and then even try to kick door in..I know he needs help. Its killing me to cut off contact with him, but I am the one he always tries to contact as he knows I cave. We also are in process of moving almost 2000 miles away due to my husbands illness to be near family, so I will be walking away from my AS. Am I a horrible mother? I just am so very stressed, I find it hard just to breathe..I am angry at him and at the thought of what could of happened. His drugs have taken him over and he gets very violent when on them..
Thank each and everyone of you...
It all came to a head a few days ago. Started by him bringing some girl around here thinking she was gonna stay here. Could tell she was all tweaked up also. They were outside laying on my deck and would not leave. My older son stepped outside and she gave him a note to give to me. Which was saying I was a horrible rotten person and should be ashamed of myself and so on...Mind you, I never met nor do I know this girl. My husband took the note and went outside, I followed. He was telling her very nicely she had no right to write that to me, that we don't even know her. She was just ugly mouthed. So I got in her face and told her to get off my deck, she wouldn't so my husband turned her towards the stairs and my AS jumped up and lunged at my husband.
Knowing full well one hit to his spleen and can kill him, My AS was punching my husband. Next thing I know my other 2 sons have jumped in and I am on very bottom of all 4 of these guys. Finally got the police here, but my AS also called police and told them this was his residence and we all assaulted him.
I broke down and cried to the officers please I don't want him to go to prison as he is on 8 yrs felony probation. That he needed help, not prison. They were very very kind to me. They took my AS into custody, the girl ran, cops said they had a warrant for her in another county. Anyway my AS starts calling me next day from jail, demanding I write a check and bail him out or he has 3 warrants and we will be arressted for assaulting him, I never laid a hand on him.
I finally have turned my phone off and terrified he may get released and he will come right back here or he may do some time, either way am terrified.
I got pretty injured in this. My knee is so swollen and purple and very hard to walk and many other bruises and soreness. I am so torn to pieces..How can my AS attack us like that and then even try to kick door in..I know he needs help. Its killing me to cut off contact with him, but I am the one he always tries to contact as he knows I cave. We also are in process of moving almost 2000 miles away due to my husbands illness to be near family, so I will be walking away from my AS. Am I a horrible mother? I just am so very stressed, I find it hard just to breathe..I am angry at him and at the thought of what could of happened. His drugs have taken him over and he gets very violent when on them..
Thank each and everyone of you...
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are NOT a horrible mother! i am so relieved that your husband did not suffer any injury and that you aren't too badly injured yourself. look at your bruises. you did what ANYONE would do when being attacked....protect yourself. that it was your own child doing the attacking matters NOT.
i'm sure it hurts but to me it sounds as if getting far far away is a godsend. FOR YOU.
don't bail him out. for me as an outsider, i hope he stays locked up, it seems safer for everyone concerned that way. that's sad, but it's also true. you said he needs help, which is very true, however that help can't be FORCED upon him and right now he sounds to be in a very very bad head space and a danger to others.
i'm sure it hurts but to me it sounds as if getting far far away is a godsend. FOR YOU.
don't bail him out. for me as an outsider, i hope he stays locked up, it seems safer for everyone concerned that way. that's sad, but it's also true. you said he needs help, which is very true, however that help can't be FORCED upon him and right now he sounds to be in a very very bad head space and a danger to others.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Sweetie, you are not a horrible mother. You are in a horrible situation. I wish I could just give you a hug. Jail would be better for your son than what is going on right now. Drugs are a prison in their own right. You and your husband need to be as far away from him as possible until he changes.
When I read what you wrote I thought of Step One. Does your life feel unmanageable?
"We admitted we were powerless over drug addiction ~ that our lives had become unmanageable."
Things can get better. For me they stopped being so horrible when I stopped thinking I was in control. I let go of that illusion and put my hand up and asked for help.
Are there al-anon meetings near you?
No contact is absolutely the best thing for now. If he comes back you and your husband will not be safe. Your safety and your husband's health need to be your priorities right now.
Peace and prayers for you and your family.
Hanna
When I read what you wrote I thought of Step One. Does your life feel unmanageable?
"We admitted we were powerless over drug addiction ~ that our lives had become unmanageable."
Things can get better. For me they stopped being so horrible when I stopped thinking I was in control. I let go of that illusion and put my hand up and asked for help.
Are there al-anon meetings near you?
No contact is absolutely the best thing for now. If he comes back you and your husband will not be safe. Your safety and your husband's health need to be your priorities right now.
Peace and prayers for you and your family.
Hanna
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Sorry you are going through this nightmare!
Although your son is an addict; he is also an adult. I can not imagine how hard this is on you to see your "little boy" acting like this and bringing these consequences on himself. But, he's not a little boy anymore and he knew he was on probation. At some point, it's good parenting, IMHO, to allow our children to experience their consequences.
Glad you and your husband and other sons are ok.....for the most part.
Although your son is an addict; he is also an adult. I can not imagine how hard this is on you to see your "little boy" acting like this and bringing these consequences on himself. But, he's not a little boy anymore and he knew he was on probation. At some point, it's good parenting, IMHO, to allow our children to experience their consequences.
Glad you and your husband and other sons are ok.....for the most part.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
You are not a horrible mother or person! Please don't listen or believe the words of somebody whose brain has been hijacked.
IMO, letting go and giving your son to God is the best possible thing at this point....I pray you do so - guilt free and with unconditional faith.
IMO, letting go and giving your son to God is the best possible thing at this point....I pray you do so - guilt free and with unconditional faith.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
The Police tend to have a special protocol for dealing with Meth addicts because they are so prone to spontaneous violence which escalates over time.
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do, or not that is going to cause him to change. You are not that powerful. None of us are and that's what hurts, the most.
His crimes, not you, resulted in the warrants. Please don't fall for the manipulation he's sure to attempt.
Prison will give him the opportunity to get and stay clean if he wants it bad enough. He's likely going to be safer in prison than on the streets. And so are you and your husband.
This tough love thing means being tough with ourselves and resisting the urge to rescue. Know, you deserve a peaceful home. Under the same circumstances, I would seek a restraining order. If he has keys, change the locks. Do not hesitate to call the Police if he comes around. Your lives may depend on it.
Meth is a horrible, horrible drug.
There is absolutely nothing you can say or do, or not that is going to cause him to change. You are not that powerful. None of us are and that's what hurts, the most.
His crimes, not you, resulted in the warrants. Please don't fall for the manipulation he's sure to attempt.
Prison will give him the opportunity to get and stay clean if he wants it bad enough. He's likely going to be safer in prison than on the streets. And so are you and your husband.
This tough love thing means being tough with ourselves and resisting the urge to rescue. Know, you deserve a peaceful home. Under the same circumstances, I would seek a restraining order. If he has keys, change the locks. Do not hesitate to call the Police if he comes around. Your lives may depend on it.
Meth is a horrible, horrible drug.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oldfort, Tn
Posts: 15
It has been 5 days now since my AS was taken to jail. I have kept my phone off. I am not dealing with this at all. My nerves are so torn up. I fear him getting out and having no place to go. I fear him not getting out and doing years..I just don't know how to cope or get my life back to normal. I don't think it will ever be.
Maybe it was more than just meth he was on. I know he was doing pills. But I was reading other posts of finding tin foil with burnt ash and no odor. I too would always find that. I assumed it was meth. I have no idea what to even look for. I'm not drug wise. Someone said on here that it sounded like heroin. How can you tell? I know my AS is sick and needs help. Doesn't make it any easier on me.
So worried and stressed. Worried that he is sitting there alone with no contact, not able to call any of us, feeling we have deserted him. But I just cannot bring myself to talk to him. He blames me for everything that happens to him..I feel like I am dying inside. I know so many of you say prison is what he needs, but is that really the answer? He needs treatment. Underneath the drugs he is a wonderful person. He is in it really bad. Thank you all, I just need support so I came hear to read, and vent a little.
Maybe it was more than just meth he was on. I know he was doing pills. But I was reading other posts of finding tin foil with burnt ash and no odor. I too would always find that. I assumed it was meth. I have no idea what to even look for. I'm not drug wise. Someone said on here that it sounded like heroin. How can you tell? I know my AS is sick and needs help. Doesn't make it any easier on me.
So worried and stressed. Worried that he is sitting there alone with no contact, not able to call any of us, feeling we have deserted him. But I just cannot bring myself to talk to him. He blames me for everything that happens to him..I feel like I am dying inside. I know so many of you say prison is what he needs, but is that really the answer? He needs treatment. Underneath the drugs he is a wonderful person. He is in it really bad. Thank you all, I just need support so I came hear to read, and vent a little.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Debysu, I am so very sorry for all your pain. Hard as it is, you need to stop taking responsibility for your son's wellbeing. He is an adult. He chose the path he is on. The choice you have, is whether you are going to let the drugs destroy his life, or whether you are going to give it more power to destroy all of you.
I really understand what you are going through. Three years ago I thought I would forever be in the darkness with my AS. I cried constantly and was in a deep depression. I remember saying to my AS that I couldn't be his safety net anymore.
Today I am happy again, even though my son is still in the same place. We as mothers cannot deal with this type of stress indefinitely. It will kill you and your husband.
You are not responsible for your son's choices. You do not have to deal with the consequences. If you step back and let him see you are not there to rescue him anymore, he may wake up. If you don't, this horrible drama will continue to play out.
I will keep you and your whole family in my prayers.
I really understand what you are going through. Three years ago I thought I would forever be in the darkness with my AS. I cried constantly and was in a deep depression. I remember saying to my AS that I couldn't be his safety net anymore.
Today I am happy again, even though my son is still in the same place. We as mothers cannot deal with this type of stress indefinitely. It will kill you and your husband.
You are not responsible for your son's choices. You do not have to deal with the consequences. If you step back and let him see you are not there to rescue him anymore, he may wake up. If you don't, this horrible drama will continue to play out.
I will keep you and your whole family in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oldfort, Tn
Posts: 15
Everyone is so right..I have got to do this, I have got to be strong..We are leaving here asap, due to my husbands health and the stress here. I myself am on 2 meds for depression dealing with the AS and my husbands illness. I know I have to let go and let GOD, I just hope GOD hears my prayers for healing my AS and one day I can see him again.
I feel he is not just an addict but maybe have mental problems too, or maybe thats just been the drugs all along. As he will act worse than a 2 yr old with any pain or anything, a sore throat and he will lay on floor and cry. It's always been that he hates me, I am the worst mother in the world, because I am supposed to take care of my kids. My oldest is 33, my youngest 26. I cannot get it thru my AS head that he is an adult and momma not suppose to take care of them. Can't get him to understand how bad we need help right now with the illness my husband has, and me being disabled myself. I know I am weak, and I am praying for strength. He knows how to work me. I wish if they were going to let him out of jail, that they would put him in a rehab or a half way house or something. I have no clue if he will get out when he has court, if they will keep him in for probation violation or what. I don't even want to know. My goal is to leave this coming week to go spend a month with my mother and sister who are very sick and live 800 miles away, and then to come back and get our moving underway.
I cannot stay in this house anymore, we are not happy here. So many bad memories. Its time for change. I have a wonderful husband who is my soul mate. He does not deserve this disrespect in our home that he works so hard for and while he is so sick too...
I feel he is not just an addict but maybe have mental problems too, or maybe thats just been the drugs all along. As he will act worse than a 2 yr old with any pain or anything, a sore throat and he will lay on floor and cry. It's always been that he hates me, I am the worst mother in the world, because I am supposed to take care of my kids. My oldest is 33, my youngest 26. I cannot get it thru my AS head that he is an adult and momma not suppose to take care of them. Can't get him to understand how bad we need help right now with the illness my husband has, and me being disabled myself. I know I am weak, and I am praying for strength. He knows how to work me. I wish if they were going to let him out of jail, that they would put him in a rehab or a half way house or something. I have no clue if he will get out when he has court, if they will keep him in for probation violation or what. I don't even want to know. My goal is to leave this coming week to go spend a month with my mother and sister who are very sick and live 800 miles away, and then to come back and get our moving underway.
I cannot stay in this house anymore, we are not happy here. So many bad memories. Its time for change. I have a wonderful husband who is my soul mate. He does not deserve this disrespect in our home that he works so hard for and while he is so sick too...
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
I know the part where they tell you you are the worst mother in the world and that you are supposed to take care of your children hurts. My son tried that on me again recently too.
The truth is that the only reason they say it is to try and guilt you into doing what they want you to do. Once you see through that, the manipulation doesn't work anymore.
As far as the mental problems, I am convinced that drugs will bring it out. How can you mess with your brain's wiring all the time and it not have an effect? There are so many people diagnosed with bipolar now and look how many people use drugs. I suspect rather than self-medicating, the drugs are causing the problems.
I have two sons. The one tells me I am the worst mother in the world and the other tells me I am the best mother in the world and better than any of his friends mothers. I know I gave both my children a lot of love, raised them the very best I knew how and yet they turned out so differently.
You have two other sons who turned out just fine. Let that be your consolation. Stay strong. You, your husband and your other sons deserve it.
The truth is that the only reason they say it is to try and guilt you into doing what they want you to do. Once you see through that, the manipulation doesn't work anymore.
As far as the mental problems, I am convinced that drugs will bring it out. How can you mess with your brain's wiring all the time and it not have an effect? There are so many people diagnosed with bipolar now and look how many people use drugs. I suspect rather than self-medicating, the drugs are causing the problems.
I have two sons. The one tells me I am the worst mother in the world and the other tells me I am the best mother in the world and better than any of his friends mothers. I know I gave both my children a lot of love, raised them the very best I knew how and yet they turned out so differently.
You have two other sons who turned out just fine. Let that be your consolation. Stay strong. You, your husband and your other sons deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
You are not a horrible mother. My AH used meth and during that time he blamed his parents for his problems. When he stopped using drugs, he developed a great and loving relationship with his parents. It's not you, it the drugs and his choice to take them, that impair his judgement.
Stay strong and let him deal with the consequences of his own actions. He will try to guilt you and manipulate you, don't fall for it. Don't allow his addiciton to continue to rob you of the peace and happiness you and your family deserve.
Whenerver I start to worry I am reminded of a verse (luke 12:25) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" How does worrying help you or your son? Trade the worrying in for a prayer, leave it to your higher power and move on. I know it's easier said than done, but what is the alternative?
Good luck and sending you lots of hugs.
Stay strong and let him deal with the consequences of his own actions. He will try to guilt you and manipulate you, don't fall for it. Don't allow his addiciton to continue to rob you of the peace and happiness you and your family deserve.
Whenerver I start to worry I am reminded of a verse (luke 12:25) "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" How does worrying help you or your son? Trade the worrying in for a prayer, leave it to your higher power and move on. I know it's easier said than done, but what is the alternative?
Good luck and sending you lots of hugs.
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