addict in recovery
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Posts: 369
addict in recovery
hello again...
as i posted a few weeks ago, i guess, my boyfriend is in recovery, far away, had been gone almost three months and will be gone at least two more. i am working on ME and he is working on HIM. when do we work on the relationship?
he keeps telling me that i need to go get help and go to meetings...and it really comes across like he thinks if i do this, i will better learn how to deal with him. i don't think he gets that i learn how to deal with ME better. for the record, i am in therapy and have been. i do a lot of reading and all that, but i don't currently go to meetings.
i get the impression that he wants me to get over all of what has happened between us, in my life, because of his addiction, without him having to deal with any of it. it seems selfish and self-absorbed. i get that he needs to focus on his recovery, but does that mean i should have to put all my needs aside?? i mean, the needs that i have that concern him?? i guess i don't get it and i thought i would be more involved in his recovery if our relationship was as serious and meaningful as he said he felt it was. i feel like i'm shut out and expected to just wait.
insight anyone??
as i posted a few weeks ago, i guess, my boyfriend is in recovery, far away, had been gone almost three months and will be gone at least two more. i am working on ME and he is working on HIM. when do we work on the relationship?
he keeps telling me that i need to go get help and go to meetings...and it really comes across like he thinks if i do this, i will better learn how to deal with him. i don't think he gets that i learn how to deal with ME better. for the record, i am in therapy and have been. i do a lot of reading and all that, but i don't currently go to meetings.
i get the impression that he wants me to get over all of what has happened between us, in my life, because of his addiction, without him having to deal with any of it. it seems selfish and self-absorbed. i get that he needs to focus on his recovery, but does that mean i should have to put all my needs aside?? i mean, the needs that i have that concern him?? i guess i don't get it and i thought i would be more involved in his recovery if our relationship was as serious and meaningful as he said he felt it was. i feel like i'm shut out and expected to just wait.
insight anyone??
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
could be just meeting/12 step recovery enthusiasm on his part to at least some degree. it's like, hey wow, this AA/NA stuff is the bomb and I think everybody should try it!!!
his recovery is his, however he's doing it and however it works out for him. 3 months is NOT very long, not at all, 90 days stacked up against YEARS of drug abuse. right now especially with distance between you and him in some type of treatment program (I presume???) his focus really needs to be more inward.
keep your focus on you, and more shall be revealed.
his recovery is his, however he's doing it and however it works out for him. 3 months is NOT very long, not at all, 90 days stacked up against YEARS of drug abuse. right now especially with distance between you and him in some type of treatment program (I presume???) his focus really needs to be more inward.
keep your focus on you, and more shall be revealed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
maybe i'm just at a point where too much damage has been done?
maybe somewhere inside me i feel this is not the way i want to live anymore and i'm just scared?
maybe i'm too worn out from being in a relationship with an addict and all that entails--all the codependent self-sacrifice and needless suffering--to be in a position where he expects me to continue to give and give while not getting anything back?
maybe i want an equal partnership and this has never been that...
why am i so terrified of ending it? why am i so afraid THAT would be the mistake?
maybe somewhere inside me i feel this is not the way i want to live anymore and i'm just scared?
maybe i'm too worn out from being in a relationship with an addict and all that entails--all the codependent self-sacrifice and needless suffering--to be in a position where he expects me to continue to give and give while not getting anything back?
maybe i want an equal partnership and this has never been that...
why am i so terrified of ending it? why am i so afraid THAT would be the mistake?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
They are absolutely selfish and self-absorbed when they are addicted and while they are healing.
If he knew what Al-anon was really all about, he would probably not be excited for you to attend. My recovering brother makes jokes all the time "Stay away from al-anon. It's very bad." That's because we learn about their manipulations and also learn to focus on ourselves.
I think this is a good time for you to also be very selfish. Focus on getting what you need to get healthy and heal.
Change is terrifying. Growth is a struggle and very scary sometimes. Acknowledge those feelings, breathe, and keep moving forward.
If he knew what Al-anon was really all about, he would probably not be excited for you to attend. My recovering brother makes jokes all the time "Stay away from al-anon. It's very bad." That's because we learn about their manipulations and also learn to focus on ourselves.
I think this is a good time for you to also be very selfish. Focus on getting what you need to get healthy and heal.
Change is terrifying. Growth is a struggle and very scary sometimes. Acknowledge those feelings, breathe, and keep moving forward.
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