Just need some validation for leaving my coke addict boyfriend
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Just need some validation for leaving my coke addict boyfriend
I should know better, I know, but i started dating a guy last fall who told me up front he was a coke addict. But he also said he was wild for most of his life but at the age of 45 (we're the same age) it was pretty much out of his system and he only did it 'once in a while'. I chose to take that as maybe a few times a year? I dont have a problem with that as long as it's rare and doesn't cause problems. (I've never been addicted to anything) I didn't know his history at the beginning - which I've since discovered included overdoses, lost his house, went bankrupt... And for some reason I chose to believe him when he said he was living in his parents basement 'between places'. Of course it became obvious he has no intention of ever leaving because his parents do pretty much everything for him except wipe his ***. He hadn't had a girlfriend in 20 years also. WTH was I thinking? He isn't a bad person, he works very hard - he's just ignorant, unmotivated, irresponsible and stuck on being 18 years old. He insists he's never hurt anyone but himself. I should also mention - don't know if this has to do with his life long coke addiction - while at school, he had a gun put in his face when he was 14 years old, and then his best friend was shot and killed next to him. It was the earliest school shooting here in Colorado - back in the early 80s. He never had any counseling after that happened, and was a witness in court for months. Seems pretty traumatic to me.
So I broke up with him probably 3 or 4 times for various reasons. But on the other hand we had a blast together, so much in common, and just kinda clicked in a lot of ways. But his 'once in a while' coke habit was more like every 3 weeks. Could be worse, but it wasn't what I signed up for.
I trusted him. I thought he was really honest - had a big, loving family, and just seemed nice but maybe misunderstood. He told me often that his integrity was the most important thing to him - told me he was trustworthy, loyal and stood by his word.
A few weeks ago I gave him an ultimatum - get your s**t together or he can add losing his GF because of coke to his list of life screw ups. He told me he wanted to quit, he was ready to be done with it, and he didn't want to lose me. He said everything I wanted to hear and he was totally sincere. I found him a drug addiction counselor, confirmed his insurance covered it, made him an appointment and of course he cancelled it -- said there was a problem with his insurance but on May 1st it would be all fixed and he would definitely go. That was last week.
Yesterday he told me he was almost scammed on Facebook. After hearing the details I was VERY suspicious-- it involved a girl who wanted him to send money to Nigeria. (Who falls for nigerian scams??) Turns out he was chatting with her for days, fell for it, and from the message he let me see before snatching his phone away from me he called her sweetie, lots of XOs - which made all his messages to me mean nothing. SO there's that. And last night while I out, I walked up on him buying coke. You should have heard the story which basically consisted of 'it wasn't for me'. However when he passed out I found the baggie in his jeans pocket. It turned into my fault - I forced him to lie to me, I should accept him as who he is and accept his mistakes, and I should just forgive him -- even though he refused to accept responsibility for it (he was set up, it was someone else's fault, the coke 'found him' - he wasn't looking for it). And as far as the scammer 'girl' went - according to him it didn't matter what he said to her because he felt sorry for her and just wanted to help! It was actually all almost funny listening to him try to justify his actions.
I left him. I can't deal with all that. It makes me sad but in all honesty I saw the end coming. He told me all the time he loved me and I believe he did as much as he could. I just can't understand why after the whole deal with him agreeing to see the counselor, etc. that he would just do this - and deceive me as well with this scammer 'girl'.
I've learned to never give someone the benefit of the doubt - especially a coke addict.
Thanks for reading my rambling post. I feel really stupid and embarrassed - I'm hesitant to even tell my friends.
So I broke up with him probably 3 or 4 times for various reasons. But on the other hand we had a blast together, so much in common, and just kinda clicked in a lot of ways. But his 'once in a while' coke habit was more like every 3 weeks. Could be worse, but it wasn't what I signed up for.
I trusted him. I thought he was really honest - had a big, loving family, and just seemed nice but maybe misunderstood. He told me often that his integrity was the most important thing to him - told me he was trustworthy, loyal and stood by his word.
A few weeks ago I gave him an ultimatum - get your s**t together or he can add losing his GF because of coke to his list of life screw ups. He told me he wanted to quit, he was ready to be done with it, and he didn't want to lose me. He said everything I wanted to hear and he was totally sincere. I found him a drug addiction counselor, confirmed his insurance covered it, made him an appointment and of course he cancelled it -- said there was a problem with his insurance but on May 1st it would be all fixed and he would definitely go. That was last week.
Yesterday he told me he was almost scammed on Facebook. After hearing the details I was VERY suspicious-- it involved a girl who wanted him to send money to Nigeria. (Who falls for nigerian scams??) Turns out he was chatting with her for days, fell for it, and from the message he let me see before snatching his phone away from me he called her sweetie, lots of XOs - which made all his messages to me mean nothing. SO there's that. And last night while I out, I walked up on him buying coke. You should have heard the story which basically consisted of 'it wasn't for me'. However when he passed out I found the baggie in his jeans pocket. It turned into my fault - I forced him to lie to me, I should accept him as who he is and accept his mistakes, and I should just forgive him -- even though he refused to accept responsibility for it (he was set up, it was someone else's fault, the coke 'found him' - he wasn't looking for it). And as far as the scammer 'girl' went - according to him it didn't matter what he said to her because he felt sorry for her and just wanted to help! It was actually all almost funny listening to him try to justify his actions.
I left him. I can't deal with all that. It makes me sad but in all honesty I saw the end coming. He told me all the time he loved me and I believe he did as much as he could. I just can't understand why after the whole deal with him agreeing to see the counselor, etc. that he would just do this - and deceive me as well with this scammer 'girl'.
I've learned to never give someone the benefit of the doubt - especially a coke addict.
Thanks for reading my rambling post. I feel really stupid and embarrassed - I'm hesitant to even tell my friends.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
one of the main building blocks
Originally Posted by walker328 
I left him. I can't deal with all that. It makes me sad but in all honesty I saw the end coming. He told me all the time he loved me and I believe he did as much as he could. I just can't understand why after the whole deal with him agreeing to see the counselor, etc. that he would just do this - and deceive me as well with this scammer 'girl'.
that paragraph pretty much sums it up I think
sounds as if he just does not wish to be honest with you
honesty would be one of the main building blocks in a relationship
onehigherpower
sounds as if he just does not wish to be honest with you
honesty would be one of the main building blocks in a relationship
onehigherpower
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Originally Posted by onehigherpower
that paragraph pretty much sums it up I think
sounds as if he just does not wish to be honest with you
honesty would be one of the main building blocks in a relationship
onehigherpower
sounds as if he just does not wish to be honest with you
honesty would be one of the main building blocks in a relationship
onehigherpower
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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He insists he has always been honest with me - he told me he was a coke addict when we met (as well as a slight misrepresentation of the truth), and he told me (minus MANY details) about the scammer girl. Both are true - he was *somewhat* honest with me - and he says this is all my fault because I don't trust him.
I almost fell off my chair laughing when I saw this:
and he says this is all my fault because I don't trust him
If you want the definitive rebuttal to his assertion, I give you this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html
Read it, read it again, and read it some more. Because this was written by an addict about addicts. And it has the additional benefit of being correct.
Hang in there. You will get through this.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 505
Walker, you have absolutely done the right thing. I have to say, a lot of things in your story set off my triggers because they were so similar, I thought for a minute maybe you were dating my XA!! He's also a lifelong coke addict, only 41, parents (before they both passed) did everything for him and babied him, hard worker but emotionally/mentally 'stunted,' told me he didn't want to hurt me, he loved me, he had 'morals,' blah, blah, blah. The whole time I was 'waiting for him to get his head on straight' and 'giving him time' he was working on getting back with one of his exes, who he told me was a 'psycho' and 'she needed to get over it because he wasn't interested in her anymore.'
As you'll hear from so many people here, he obviously isn't ready to quit and nothing you do or say can make him do it. He has to want it for himself. And yes, what he went through at 14 is very traumatic. But if that's why he's using, it's not going to just go away if he doesn't work on it. But again, HE has to make that decision to get help - there's nothing you can do to make him. Please read the stickies at the top of the page, especially "What Addicts Do." That one really helped me to put things in perspective and start understanding what I was dealing with. You need to take care of you. And please don't feel embarrassed or stupid - you're not stupid for loving someone and wanting to believe them. All of us here have been exactly where you are and are learning to pick up the pieces and move on.
This is a great place, and I'm glad you found us. Please keep reading and posting - it really will help.
As you'll hear from so many people here, he obviously isn't ready to quit and nothing you do or say can make him do it. He has to want it for himself. And yes, what he went through at 14 is very traumatic. But if that's why he's using, it's not going to just go away if he doesn't work on it. But again, HE has to make that decision to get help - there's nothing you can do to make him. Please read the stickies at the top of the page, especially "What Addicts Do." That one really helped me to put things in perspective and start understanding what I was dealing with. You need to take care of you. And please don't feel embarrassed or stupid - you're not stupid for loving someone and wanting to believe them. All of us here have been exactly where you are and are learning to pick up the pieces and move on.
This is a great place, and I'm glad you found us. Please keep reading and posting - it really will help.
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It's hard to believe he didn't/doesn't love me. I guess I made a lot of excuses for his behaviour - mostly thinking he was just not used to being considerate of someone else because he's been alone for so long. The more I think about it - I think he wanted to love me but he just couldn't grasp even the basics of being in a relationship.
I'm not easily manipulated - I can see right though that. And as soon as he started in with that last night - that was it. No point in letting that go any further. And even though I called him on everything - he'd keep on denying it was his fault... It was almost entertaining listening to him try to dig himself out of a hole. I must have said 'Do you think I'm stupid?' 20x last night. I just wanted him to accept responsibility - and he wouldn't. It was fascinating.
My brother is a life long (but currently behaving himself) coke addict - I've heard it all.
I'm not easily manipulated - I can see right though that. And as soon as he started in with that last night - that was it. No point in letting that go any further. And even though I called him on everything - he'd keep on denying it was his fault... It was almost entertaining listening to him try to dig himself out of a hole. I must have said 'Do you think I'm stupid?' 20x last night. I just wanted him to accept responsibility - and he wouldn't. It was fascinating.
My brother is a life long (but currently behaving himself) coke addict - I've heard it all.
Originally Posted by zoso77
Welcome to the Board, although I am sorry for what's brought you to us.
I almost fell off my chair laughing when I saw this:
and he says this is all my fault because I don't trust him
If you want the definitive rebuttal to his assertion, I give you this:
What Addicts Do
Read it, read it again, and read it some more. Because this was written by an addict about addicts. And it has the additional benefit of being correct.
Hang in there. You will get through this.
ZoSo
I almost fell off my chair laughing when I saw this:
and he says this is all my fault because I don't trust him
If you want the definitive rebuttal to his assertion, I give you this:
What Addicts Do
Read it, read it again, and read it some more. Because this was written by an addict about addicts. And it has the additional benefit of being correct.
Hang in there. You will get through this.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
even though it still looks white to the eye
Originally Posted by walker328
he was *somewhat* honest with me
well I guess so
but
if my wife was somewhat honest with me or me with her
I don't think our marriage would last long
my sponsor put it to me this way
say we take a gallon of white paint
then we put 5 drops of black paint into it
mix well
even though it still looks white to the eye
we no longer have a true white paint
onehigherpower
but
if my wife was somewhat honest with me or me with her
I don't think our marriage would last long
my sponsor put it to me this way
say we take a gallon of white paint
then we put 5 drops of black paint into it
mix well
even though it still looks white to the eye
we no longer have a true white paint
onehigherpower
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Denver
Posts: 24
I hear ya... and thank you for that. It makes sense to me.
Originally Posted by onehigherpower
well I guess so
but
if my wife was somewhat honest with me or me with her
I don't think our marriage would last long
my sponsor put it to me this way
say we take a gallon of white paint
then we put 5 drops of black paint into it
mix well
even though it still looks white to the eye
we no longer have a true white paint
onehigherpower
but
if my wife was somewhat honest with me or me with her
I don't think our marriage would last long
my sponsor put it to me this way
say we take a gallon of white paint
then we put 5 drops of black paint into it
mix well
even though it still looks white to the eye
we no longer have a true white paint
onehigherpower
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
I believe you did the right thing for you and for him. You can't make him better and he doesn't sound like he has any interest in changing.
I do think an unresolved traumatic event can result in lifelong drug use. It's sad that he never got help as a child, and never bothered to get himself help as an adult.
But I do believe in the 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause it
You cannot Cure it
You cannot Control it
I think walking away is the best course of action here. He tricked you into a relationship by withholding key info, and I would not be able to handle the Facebook betrayal.
(((Hugs))) I know you say you feel embarrassed and stupid, but you seem incredibly strong. In 3 years of coming here you are the first poster I recall who gave up the relationship before it got completely out of control. Usually we have to beat people about the head and neck before they recognize it's time to move on from this kind of impending nightmare. :
I do think an unresolved traumatic event can result in lifelong drug use. It's sad that he never got help as a child, and never bothered to get himself help as an adult.
But I do believe in the 3 Cs.
You didn't Cause it
You cannot Cure it
You cannot Control it
I think walking away is the best course of action here. He tricked you into a relationship by withholding key info, and I would not be able to handle the Facebook betrayal.
(((Hugs))) I know you say you feel embarrassed and stupid, but you seem incredibly strong. In 3 years of coming here you are the first poster I recall who gave up the relationship before it got completely out of control. Usually we have to beat people about the head and neck before they recognize it's time to move on from this kind of impending nightmare. :
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
I can't say you "shouldn't" feel any certain way. Any of your emotions are valid.
But, I will tell you, and it doesn't have to be to your friends, maybe SR is enough, please don't keep secrets as such. There is no shame in anything you've done.
You experienced something that may be the best thing for you as you go on in life. In sharing you might help another person who is in the same situation. Best to you always.
But, I will tell you, and it doesn't have to be to your friends, maybe SR is enough, please don't keep secrets as such. There is no shame in anything you've done.
You experienced something that may be the best thing for you as you go on in life. In sharing you might help another person who is in the same situation. Best to you always.
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