What do you think?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
What do you think?
Alanon's purpose it to teach families and friends of alcoholics (addicts) recover from the effects of living with the problem drinking of a relative or friend whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
For me, this was not possible. I know that I could never live with an active user, be it alcohol or drugs - ever again.
Do you think it is possible to get healthy while living with an active user??
Just to clarify - I am not bashing alanon in the least. I have complete respect for the program and all it offers. I am just looking for opinions and insight. Thank you!
For me, this was not possible. I know that I could never live with an active user, be it alcohol or drugs - ever again.
Do you think it is possible to get healthy while living with an active user??
Just to clarify - I am not bashing alanon in the least. I have complete respect for the program and all it offers. I am just looking for opinions and insight. Thank you!
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Well, you CAN live with an active user.....
Happily? Um......no
I mean, unless youre ok with being used, lied to, manipulated, etc....
Not many of us are though.
You are right in thinking its not possible. Many do not have your strength.
Be careful, and be strong
Happily? Um......no
I mean, unless youre ok with being used, lied to, manipulated, etc....
Not many of us are though.
You are right in thinking its not possible. Many do not have your strength.
Be careful, and be strong
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Laurie may be able to help me with this...but there is an OLD TIMER in AA, Irish Annie - she has quite the story (not sure if she is still alive, speaker tapes seem to end about 1999???) - she was a hard core drunk, got sober, but her husband did not and she somehow managed to live with him for many years.
other than that I really don't have much experience or knowledge of relationships successfully surviving active addiction. the very nature of the beast is a set up for failure. addiction progresses. things get worse. addiction devours the long term addict.
I think perhaps what Alanon is talking about is being ok in the more immediate sense, not as a lifestyle? how to regain our own strength, reclaim our own power, to detach and learn how to not take what THEY do so personal. and simply learn to live and let live.
other than that I really don't have much experience or knowledge of relationships successfully surviving active addiction. the very nature of the beast is a set up for failure. addiction progresses. things get worse. addiction devours the long term addict.
I think perhaps what Alanon is talking about is being ok in the more immediate sense, not as a lifestyle? how to regain our own strength, reclaim our own power, to detach and learn how to not take what THEY do so personal. and simply learn to live and let live.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes , I think you can get healthier living with an active addcit.
Completely healthy, I think that to be completely healthy for most of us means no active addcition in our homes.
At some point I think you have to remove yourself from active addcition.
Completely healthy, I think that to be completely healthy for most of us means no active addcition in our homes.
At some point I think you have to remove yourself from active addcition.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
I have no opinion on alanon.
But I will answer the can you get healthy with an active user in the home? Yeah and it isn’t as hard as one would think. I did. I was in recovery and living a way better life and a happy fulfilling one for myself before my husband really was.
Now with that being said, in getting healthy would I have stayed if he didn‘t continue to progress in a healthy way for him. No I don’t see me staying around. I am not really sure if anyone can.
I know you still are struggling at times with what to do for you, but in getting healthy one finds you now can make decisions for yourself without a second thought. There is no struggle ( no guilt, no shame ) with what you need to do, you just know what you need and won’t be compromising your health at all. This is a learning experience, keep learning about you because you hold all your answers and always did.
I tend to think at times that many think this is easy and a done and over thing. The addict will get clean and their lives would be magically better. As if….It isn’t on any side, it takes work, hard work and focus on yourself not them as some distraction or excuse.
.
I am going on 9 years in since I first asked that question we all do in the beginning. How can I help him … 5 of those in real recovery, no more drinking or pills or sick thinking, but I still am learning about myself.
But I will answer the can you get healthy with an active user in the home? Yeah and it isn’t as hard as one would think. I did. I was in recovery and living a way better life and a happy fulfilling one for myself before my husband really was.
Now with that being said, in getting healthy would I have stayed if he didn‘t continue to progress in a healthy way for him. No I don’t see me staying around. I am not really sure if anyone can.
I know you still are struggling at times with what to do for you, but in getting healthy one finds you now can make decisions for yourself without a second thought. There is no struggle ( no guilt, no shame ) with what you need to do, you just know what you need and won’t be compromising your health at all. This is a learning experience, keep learning about you because you hold all your answers and always did.
I tend to think at times that many think this is easy and a done and over thing. The addict will get clean and their lives would be magically better. As if….It isn’t on any side, it takes work, hard work and focus on yourself not them as some distraction or excuse.
.
I am going on 9 years in since I first asked that question we all do in the beginning. How can I help him … 5 of those in real recovery, no more drinking or pills or sick thinking, but I still am learning about myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I think Al-Anon is trying to state as clearly as the program can that it is not a part of the program to suggest that a person leave the alcoholic/addict. It is a means of staying neutral on that topic. Note that it doesn't mention anything about living with the A or leaving them. It speaks only to our own recovery.....whether the A continues to use or not. That way....the means of finding our own serenity is left to the individual without any suggestion or pressure to leave the addict.
Do I think it's possible to live with active addiction? Sure. Anything is possible. Am I willing to do it. No. But that's my personal choice......it has nothing to do with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.
Just my two cents.....which is worth......as usual......about two cents.
gentle hugs
ke
Do I think it's possible to live with active addiction? Sure. Anything is possible. Am I willing to do it. No. But that's my personal choice......it has nothing to do with Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.
Just my two cents.....which is worth......as usual......about two cents.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Good Morning, I totally agree with Kindeyes. I think my main goal of attending Al-Anon was not to "cure or fix" my son. It was to give myself tools so that the decisions I made moving forward came from a position of strength and knowledge. I use the program to get clarity...because as we know...dealing with an active alcoholic or addict is a lesson in manipulative craziness. Without some form of rational thinking reminding me that I don't need to play along...I'd still be struggling. I feel I now have the tools to recognize when I'm being manipulated and where I want the direction of MY life to lead...regardless if he is still using or not.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Yes I believe you can. My Alanon sponsor was a 'double winner' and lived with her practicing AH for years. He would not move from the house, and she was damned if she was going to give 'her' house to him. She had the proof that she not he had paid all of the mortgage.
So he lived in the 2nd bedroom. When he still worked she had the cleaning lady clean it weekly, as she did NOT want to get roaches or worse from his lack of hygiene and that is the way they lived until his death. Was she happy with him? Nope but she was happy in the life she carved out for herself. So in essence they were just roommates for over 15 years.
Just like my AA sponsor and hubby, Pat became a dear dear friend, and is one to this day. In Oct of 2010 I called her on the phone after I had ended it with my 'first love', lol and once again she was there for me. Whether Pat ever knew it or not she has been quite a 'role model' in both AA and Alanon!!!!!
So yep you can continue to 'live with' a practicing alcoholic and NOT engage. It takes a certain 'mind set' but it can be done and one can be happy with their life. It is just that the A is a distant roommate and nothing more.
the big question would be what are the individual's 'motive' for staying versus separating.
And yes, Irish Annie also did this. Her spouse is long gone now, and she is still around but has some serious 'health problems' so does not do much speaking, stays in the L.A. area and no traveling. Another GREAT Role Model!!!!! First time I heard her at maybe 2 or 3 months sober, I kept saying 'she is telling my story', 'she is telling my story', She too was a very HARD DRINKER.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
So he lived in the 2nd bedroom. When he still worked she had the cleaning lady clean it weekly, as she did NOT want to get roaches or worse from his lack of hygiene and that is the way they lived until his death. Was she happy with him? Nope but she was happy in the life she carved out for herself. So in essence they were just roommates for over 15 years.
Just like my AA sponsor and hubby, Pat became a dear dear friend, and is one to this day. In Oct of 2010 I called her on the phone after I had ended it with my 'first love', lol and once again she was there for me. Whether Pat ever knew it or not she has been quite a 'role model' in both AA and Alanon!!!!!
So yep you can continue to 'live with' a practicing alcoholic and NOT engage. It takes a certain 'mind set' but it can be done and one can be happy with their life. It is just that the A is a distant roommate and nothing more.
the big question would be what are the individual's 'motive' for staying versus separating.
And yes, Irish Annie also did this. Her spouse is long gone now, and she is still around but has some serious 'health problems' so does not do much speaking, stays in the L.A. area and no traveling. Another GREAT Role Model!!!!! First time I heard her at maybe 2 or 3 months sober, I kept saying 'she is telling my story', 'she is telling my story', She too was a very HARD DRINKER.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I know I am not suppose to judge or take anyone else's inventory....BUT.......as I sit in a few meetings, I see the beautiful, professional woman who appear to have so much going for them yet stay with an active alcohol or addict and all the heartache and chaos that accompanies it. It makes me feel sad and I can't help but ask myself why????? Then I come home and feel like I justify my own reasons. (Comparing out) I know this is wrong but I am not sure how to change it!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
There is a lot of sadness surrounding addiction no matter which side you sit on. You can’t take that in, it isn’t healthy for you.
So they stayed, that is there choice. I would be more concerned if you needed to judge anything in how they are presenting themselves and how they are working on their recovery. If they are walking that walking, not just quaking away ( and yes this side quacks too, very well ). Not that they are living in a home with an active alcoholic or addict. But that is just my opinion.
Don’t let the sadness be a distraction because it can be. And it will detract from what you need to do for you. You can’t take on anyone else’s pain and you aren’t suppose to. And you can’t focus on them either because you need to focus on you right now. If the meetings are a distraction then you need to take a break if you can’t get that you aren’t there for anyone but yourself.
And that comparing out, an interesting tool that keeps one trapped in denial. I am not as bad as, he is not as bad as….so been there, done that, on both sides. UGH!
Don’t forget it isn’t about why they are, but why are you….as you are.
So they stayed, that is there choice. I would be more concerned if you needed to judge anything in how they are presenting themselves and how they are working on their recovery. If they are walking that walking, not just quaking away ( and yes this side quacks too, very well ). Not that they are living in a home with an active alcoholic or addict. But that is just my opinion.
Don’t let the sadness be a distraction because it can be. And it will detract from what you need to do for you. You can’t take on anyone else’s pain and you aren’t suppose to. And you can’t focus on them either because you need to focus on you right now. If the meetings are a distraction then you need to take a break if you can’t get that you aren’t there for anyone but yourself.
And that comparing out, an interesting tool that keeps one trapped in denial. I am not as bad as, he is not as bad as….so been there, done that, on both sides. UGH!
Don’t forget it isn’t about why they are, but why are you….as you are.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"I know I am not suppose to judge or take anyone else's inventory....BUT.......as I sit in a few meetings, I see the beautiful, professional woman who appear to have so much going for them yet stay with an active alcohol or addict and all the heartache and chaos that accompanies it. It makes me feel sad and I can't help but ask myself why????? "
Well, I was a professional women, and for many years I could not translate my business sense into my personal sense. I was in control in the office and in court, and I was totally out of control in my personal life...all due to my bad choices. Today, I look deep into myself and ask...Why? I now plead "Temporary Insanity" and my friends
are in total agreement with my pleading. We can't all be wrong, it has to be that!
Well, I was a professional women, and for many years I could not translate my business sense into my personal sense. I was in control in the office and in court, and I was totally out of control in my personal life...all due to my bad choices. Today, I look deep into myself and ask...Why? I now plead "Temporary Insanity" and my friends
are in total agreement with my pleading. We can't all be wrong, it has to be that!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dollydo 
"I know I am not suppose to judge or take anyone else's inventory....BUT.......as I sit in a few meetings, I see the beautiful, professional woman who appear to have so much going for them yet stay with an active alcohol or addict and all the heartache and chaos that accompanies it. It makes me feel sad and I can't help but ask myself why????? "
Well, I was a professional women, and for many years I could not translate my business sense into my personal sense. I was in control in the office and in court, and I was totally out of control in my personal life...all due to my bad choices. Today, I look deep into myself and ask...Why? I now plead "Temporary Insanity" and my friends
are in total agreement with my pleading. We can't all be wrong, it has to be that!
Well, I was a professional women, and for many years I could not translate my business sense into my personal sense. I was in control in the office and in court, and I was totally out of control in my personal life...all due to my bad choices. Today, I look deep into myself and ask...Why? I now plead "Temporary Insanity" and my friends
are in total agreement with my pleading. We can't all be wrong, it has to be that!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Just another comment!
I feel so much compassion for the parents but not the wives or husbands! I guess it could be a reflection of how I feel about myself and how I "handled" my own situation. I think I need to practice being more gentle with myself.
I feel so much compassion for the parents but not the wives or husbands! I guess it could be a reflection of how I feel about myself and how I "handled" my own situation. I think I need to practice being more gentle with myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Do you think it is possible to get healthy while living with an active user??
But I think one can live with an active user just fine depending on the situation. I have been with my boyfriend over a year, and he was an active user the whole time. We have separate residences, but have still basically lived together most of this time. Maybe it is only because he is a Highly Functional Addict. But his use was seldom ever an issue between us. I have my own life, and he has his own life, and they intersected where they needed to in order to keep our relationship happy and I think healthy (and my opinion is all that counts on that). Im seeing more instability with him, now that he is in treatment and trying to stop. (Although I know this will be temporary).
Not related to drugs, but I know of several couples who face this more with work addiction than drug addiction. Partner cant understand the requirements and the time it takes away from home and family to be successful in what they do. They get lonely, dont have enough of their own interest, or fulfilling work, and they allow themselves to focus on their partner being the problem. The work addicted partner in turns ends up getting bored with them because they arent getting anything back emotionally, and sometimes physically while they are the one supplying the "lifestyle" to the other. Ends up sad for both people.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
LMN
just curious...wasn't it somewhat recently that your husband relapsed (again) and that he just recently got the shot? you have stayed with him through a few relapses now...after you had threatened to leave if he EVER relapsed again, and then stayed when he did. how are you different from these women you are judging?
just curious...wasn't it somewhat recently that your husband relapsed (again) and that he just recently got the shot? you have stayed with him through a few relapses now...after you had threatened to leave if he EVER relapsed again, and then stayed when he did. how are you different from these women you are judging?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by lesliej
LMN
just curious...wasn't it somewhat recently that your husband relapsed (again) and that he just recently got the shot? you have stayed with him through a few relapses now...after you had threatened to leave if he EVER relapsed again, and then stayed when he did. how are you different from these women you are judging?
just curious...wasn't it somewhat recently that your husband relapsed (again) and that he just recently got the shot? you have stayed with him through a few relapses now...after you had threatened to leave if he EVER relapsed again, and then stayed when he did. how are you different from these women you are judging?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
And that comparing out, an interesting tool that keeps one trapped in denial. I am not as bad as, he is not as bad as….so been there, done that, on both sides. UGH!
As I get older, I feel like I should be more confident, more comfortable with me. But it's the opposite! The older I get, the more pressure I put on myself and the less confident I feel.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Happiness is different for each person. And what makes us happy today, may not be what makes us happy tomorrow.
I worked with a wonderful woman who lived with an active alcoholic for many years, she built a flourishing business and he paid people to run his business because he was drunk most days. She volunteered and got involved in the arts and had her own friends and a great Al-anon group, he had his bottle. This worked for them for years...then it didn't anymore. She had "enough" and wanted "more". Her happiness bar rose a notch or two. They divorced and last heard, they are both happy today. She has a new husband who is sober and loving and respectful and he has his bottle still...although it will kill him one day soon.
My point is, only we can decide what level of happiness is okay for us. For me it meant taking it one day at a time. Although it was my son, I was not happy when I was living in the chaos of his addiction, but I could channel out happy times for me doing other things...for a while.
You don't have to measure your happiness against that of anyone else, LMN, you just need to find what works for you today and live with that.
Hugs
I worked with a wonderful woman who lived with an active alcoholic for many years, she built a flourishing business and he paid people to run his business because he was drunk most days. She volunteered and got involved in the arts and had her own friends and a great Al-anon group, he had his bottle. This worked for them for years...then it didn't anymore. She had "enough" and wanted "more". Her happiness bar rose a notch or two. They divorced and last heard, they are both happy today. She has a new husband who is sober and loving and respectful and he has his bottle still...although it will kill him one day soon.
My point is, only we can decide what level of happiness is okay for us. For me it meant taking it one day at a time. Although it was my son, I was not happy when I was living in the chaos of his addiction, but I could channel out happy times for me doing other things...for a while.
You don't have to measure your happiness against that of anyone else, LMN, you just need to find what works for you today and live with that.
Hugs
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