What do you think?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Lately, I haven't been working on me and I can feel the difference. My comparing out has been the opposite....this time. It's that ugly little voice that says "I am not as good as, I am not as successful as, I am not as young as."
As I get older, I feel like I should be more confident, more comfortable with me. But it's the opposite! The older I get, the more pressure I put on myself and the less confident I feel.
As I get older, I feel like I should be more confident, more comfortable with me. But it's the opposite! The older I get, the more pressure I put on myself and the less confident I feel.
LMN you are very hard on yourself. Somedays I have to just accept where I am and trust the direction I am going will in the end give me the peace I seek. I have felt over the last month or so that I am steadily heading there.
Be compassionate with yourself. If and when it is time to move on from where you are now, you will. I have faith in you!
Much Love Katie
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"As I get older, I feel like I should be more confident, more comfortable with me. But it's the opposite! The older I get, the more pressure I put on myself and the less confident I feel."
In my circle of cronnies I have found that the women who are either working or kept
up their careers until they retired have a much higher self esteem and are more confident than their counterparts who were/are totally dependent on their husbands for their financial needs. That applies to my widowed and single friends as well, the more financially independent they were throughout their lives, they more content they are today.
SAHM's seem to somehow lose their confidence as they age, might be because their children leave the nest, and they do not have a new/another career to replace the one of being a mom, it is especially difficult for some SAHM when the husband dies, they are totally lost. The husband worked, the husband handled all the financial issues, the husband made all the major decisions....the list goes on and on. Many of my aged widow friends now depend on their sons to make all their financial decisions for them, and several don't make any decisions unless they consult their sons first...it is weird to me.
Just my observations, could all be my own convaluted thinking.
In my circle of cronnies I have found that the women who are either working or kept
up their careers until they retired have a much higher self esteem and are more confident than their counterparts who were/are totally dependent on their husbands for their financial needs. That applies to my widowed and single friends as well, the more financially independent they were throughout their lives, they more content they are today.
SAHM's seem to somehow lose their confidence as they age, might be because their children leave the nest, and they do not have a new/another career to replace the one of being a mom, it is especially difficult for some SAHM when the husband dies, they are totally lost. The husband worked, the husband handled all the financial issues, the husband made all the major decisions....the list goes on and on. Many of my aged widow friends now depend on their sons to make all their financial decisions for them, and several don't make any decisions unless they consult their sons first...it is weird to me.
Just my observations, could all be my own convaluted thinking.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
As post by Dasiydoc:
"But I think one can live with an active user just fine depending on the situation. I have been with my boyfriend over a year, and he was an active user the whole time. We have separate residences, but have still basically lived together most of this time. Maybe it is only because he is a Highly Functional Addict. But his use was seldom ever an issue between us."
Would someone please pass the
....keeps my hands busy!
"But I think one can live with an active user just fine depending on the situation. I have been with my boyfriend over a year, and he was an active user the whole time. We have separate residences, but have still basically lived together most of this time. Maybe it is only because he is a Highly Functional Addict. But his use was seldom ever an issue between us."
Would someone please pass the
....keeps my hands busy!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Dollydo, you are so right! (Even with your limited knowledge, lol)
Even my sister, a successful professional woman, really has struggled after her kids all moved away to live their own lives. She thought she was going to enjoy being on her own again but has found it difficult. She still spends a lot of time with them but misses them terribly, She has tried to fill the void in some unhealthy ways (her words) and is really working on that now!
I have to admit, having no one to try to fix (but me) has left me feeling kind of empty, not on a conscious level. Thank you, I can't fix what I can't see!
PS. I decided to have my resume "revamped." Working from home is way too isolating for me at this point in my life.
Even my sister, a successful professional woman, really has struggled after her kids all moved away to live their own lives. She thought she was going to enjoy being on her own again but has found it difficult. She still spends a lot of time with them but misses them terribly, She has tried to fill the void in some unhealthy ways (her words) and is really working on that now!
I have to admit, having no one to try to fix (but me) has left me feeling kind of empty, not on a conscious level. Thank you, I can't fix what I can't see!
PS. I decided to have my resume "revamped." Working from home is way too isolating for me at this point in my life.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Katiekate
So maybe there is the root. Perhaps part of your healing and growth is about taking the pressure off and allowing yourself to be who you are and embrace you.
LMN you are very hard on yourself. Somedays I have to just accept where I am and trust the direction I am going will in the end give me the peace I seek. I have felt over the last month or so that I am steadily heading there.
Be compassionate with yourself. If and when it is time to move on from where you are now, you will. I have faith in you!
Much Love Katie
LMN you are very hard on yourself. Somedays I have to just accept where I am and trust the direction I am going will in the end give me the peace I seek. I have felt over the last month or so that I am steadily heading there.
Be compassionate with yourself. If and when it is time to move on from where you are now, you will. I have faith in you!
Much Love Katie
The hardest thing to forgive myself for was my denial and ignorance! I have had to work hard on that and often feel triggered by those in the same state of mind!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
After my second divorce, both my AA sponsor and my Alanon sponsor decided that
I had to take my 'Super Woman cape' buried at the back of my closest and use it
to wrap that big heavy truck chain I was using to beat myself up.
I thought they were crazy, lol but they insisted that I do a visual in my mind of
doing that action. You know, IT WORKED. The next time I mentally started to
beat myself up, the thought came to me, "can't do that, you threw away the cape
and chain."
Give it a try, it cannot hurt.
(((((Dollydo))))) I so agree with you. I too have friends my age, that were SAHM's
and their hubbies have already passed and some who had a pretty good career, and
again the difference can be seen in how they negotiate life today.
I personally, after my 2nd divorce in '87 DECIDED that I would NEVER marry again,
and I would NEVER live with a significant other permanently. We each had to have
our own residences.
Now with my long time S.O. it was great, we spent time with each other at either
his place or mine and we had our 'alone' time and our 'own cave to retire to.' Be-
sides I am a very 'lazy' person if the truth be told and a full time, live in, relation-
ship is just too much damn work. I LOVE living alone and being the one who has
to make all my decisions for me!
Now this didn't happen overnight. Both sponsors after that divorce in '87, strongly
suggested that I take at least a year, to live alone with ME, to learn about ME, and
to see what I did and didn't like about ME. Well that year turned into almost 5 years
but I really came to appreciate ME. Then slowly I got involved with my S.O. He too
liked, no loved our arrangement. It was really great and I did love him dearly! His
sudden demise was a real blow to me, however, even though I went through the
grieving process, I didn't have the 'confusion' of having to pay bills, etc as those were
things I had done all along.
The only thing I regret is I didn't 'insist' harder that he changed doctors. He had had
a 'complete physical' (to this day I say it was haphazard) just 10 days prior to his
demise and was told he was in excellent health, when some of the lab work I saw
said otherwise (being an RN I could read and understand the results). 10 days later
he had a MASSIVE HEART ATTACK and died. The medical examiners autopsy (here
if a person dies alone, it is a requirement that an autopsy must be done )and his
report said his heart was in very bad shape with lots of scarring. So I don't know
if it could have been prevented, but I still believe that his life could have been pro-
longed for quite some time with some extra care, new diet, etc
Sorry venting here, but as you can see that 'need' to fix others is still alive and well
within me, rofl
It really was and is fun, LEARNING to rely on only me, and rewarding as I learned that there
were many things I can do and NOT have to call an expensive repairman to do. I
still remember when I dropped a rather valuable (both dollar wise and sentimental
value) ring down the sink drain in the kitchen. I actually cried for a bit. Then, wiped my
eyes and went to the computer to see how to take the 'drain trap' off of the sink line
in the hopes the ring was still in the trap.
Followed the directions and yep got the 'trap' off and found my ring. Then before I
put the trap back on, I cleaned it thoroughly, including a bath in a big pot with boil-
ing water to get the 'gunk' out of it. Put it back on, and my sink has never drained
the way it was now doing. I learned how to change my oil, recharge my air condi-
ioner, change filters and lots of normal maintenance stuff I used to 'pay' for.
All of the above and more not mentioned, have been quite a 'self esteem' booster
for me. I do not need a 'him' on my arm to feel complete. A 'him' has become a
nice accessory but but not a necessity.
You can do whatever you want to do (((((LMN))))), it is all within you. Was it easy?
Hell no! But it has been an eyeopening experience and I wouldn't trade what I have
gone through and learned for a million dollars!
You know deep down you can do this. You know you can reach whatever goal you set
for yourself! And ........................................ you are not doing any of it alone, we
are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
I had to take my 'Super Woman cape' buried at the back of my closest and use it
to wrap that big heavy truck chain I was using to beat myself up.
I thought they were crazy, lol but they insisted that I do a visual in my mind of
doing that action. You know, IT WORKED. The next time I mentally started to
beat myself up, the thought came to me, "can't do that, you threw away the cape
and chain."
Give it a try, it cannot hurt.
(((((Dollydo))))) I so agree with you. I too have friends my age, that were SAHM's
and their hubbies have already passed and some who had a pretty good career, and
again the difference can be seen in how they negotiate life today.
I personally, after my 2nd divorce in '87 DECIDED that I would NEVER marry again,
and I would NEVER live with a significant other permanently. We each had to have
our own residences.
Now with my long time S.O. it was great, we spent time with each other at either
his place or mine and we had our 'alone' time and our 'own cave to retire to.' Be-
sides I am a very 'lazy' person if the truth be told and a full time, live in, relation-
ship is just too much damn work. I LOVE living alone and being the one who has
to make all my decisions for me!
Now this didn't happen overnight. Both sponsors after that divorce in '87, strongly
suggested that I take at least a year, to live alone with ME, to learn about ME, and
to see what I did and didn't like about ME. Well that year turned into almost 5 years
but I really came to appreciate ME. Then slowly I got involved with my S.O. He too
liked, no loved our arrangement. It was really great and I did love him dearly! His
sudden demise was a real blow to me, however, even though I went through the
grieving process, I didn't have the 'confusion' of having to pay bills, etc as those were
things I had done all along.
The only thing I regret is I didn't 'insist' harder that he changed doctors. He had had
a 'complete physical' (to this day I say it was haphazard) just 10 days prior to his
demise and was told he was in excellent health, when some of the lab work I saw
said otherwise (being an RN I could read and understand the results). 10 days later
he had a MASSIVE HEART ATTACK and died. The medical examiners autopsy (here
if a person dies alone, it is a requirement that an autopsy must be done )and his
report said his heart was in very bad shape with lots of scarring. So I don't know
if it could have been prevented, but I still believe that his life could have been pro-
longed for quite some time with some extra care, new diet, etc
Sorry venting here, but as you can see that 'need' to fix others is still alive and well
within me, rofl
It really was and is fun, LEARNING to rely on only me, and rewarding as I learned that there
were many things I can do and NOT have to call an expensive repairman to do. I
still remember when I dropped a rather valuable (both dollar wise and sentimental
value) ring down the sink drain in the kitchen. I actually cried for a bit. Then, wiped my
eyes and went to the computer to see how to take the 'drain trap' off of the sink line
in the hopes the ring was still in the trap.
Followed the directions and yep got the 'trap' off and found my ring. Then before I
put the trap back on, I cleaned it thoroughly, including a bath in a big pot with boil-
ing water to get the 'gunk' out of it. Put it back on, and my sink has never drained
the way it was now doing. I learned how to change my oil, recharge my air condi-
ioner, change filters and lots of normal maintenance stuff I used to 'pay' for.
All of the above and more not mentioned, have been quite a 'self esteem' booster
for me. I do not need a 'him' on my arm to feel complete. A 'him' has become a
nice accessory but but not a necessity.
You can do whatever you want to do (((((LMN))))), it is all within you. Was it easy?
Hell no! But it has been an eyeopening experience and I wouldn't trade what I have
gone through and learned for a million dollars!
You know deep down you can do this. You know you can reach whatever goal you set
for yourself! And ........................................ you are not doing any of it alone, we
are walking with you in spirit.
Love and hugs,
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by lesliej
LMN
just curious...wasn't it somewhat recently that your husband relapsed (again) and that he just recently got the shot? you have stayed with him through a few relapses now...after you had threatened to leave if he EVER relapsed again, and then stayed when he did. how are you different from these women you are judging?
just curious...wasn't it somewhat recently that your husband relapsed (again) and that he just recently got the shot? you have stayed with him through a few relapses now...after you had threatened to leave if he EVER relapsed again, and then stayed when he did. how are you different from these women you are judging?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
"We are as happy as we make up our minds to be."
- Abraham Lincoln
I believe our environment is stronger than our will power. Eventually we may take on characteristics, behaviors, and attitudes of those closest to us. That is where the saying "birds of a feather flock together" comes from. I read this Lincoln quote every morning now and realize there is a lot of truth in these simple words.
It's not to say that I never experienced happiness living with an active addict. Life with active addiction was anxiety producing which was a sort of high I suppose because there was always drama to focus on. I think it's all human nature- addictive tendencies and desire for love are things that we all share.
Those of us seeking recovery are on a spiritual path that begets change. The change has been the most uncomfortable part for me. Learning new behaviors, attitudes, and ways to live. I chose not to live with active addiction because it was holding me back from my true potential and it was leading me down a self-destructive path. To me, this is not love.
- Abraham Lincoln
I believe our environment is stronger than our will power. Eventually we may take on characteristics, behaviors, and attitudes of those closest to us. That is where the saying "birds of a feather flock together" comes from. I read this Lincoln quote every morning now and realize there is a lot of truth in these simple words.
It's not to say that I never experienced happiness living with an active addict. Life with active addiction was anxiety producing which was a sort of high I suppose because there was always drama to focus on. I think it's all human nature- addictive tendencies and desire for love are things that we all share.
Those of us seeking recovery are on a spiritual path that begets change. The change has been the most uncomfortable part for me. Learning new behaviors, attitudes, and ways to live. I chose not to live with active addiction because it was holding me back from my true potential and it was leading me down a self-destructive path. To me, this is not love.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dasiydoc
I will pass it over to you Dolly, I have just finished reading an amusing post about a sickly codependent who chased her boyfriend all over the backyard with a loaded gun, actually shooting at him. Her friends all cheered and encouraged her, and even now as the story is told it is applauded as a gallant effort. I know if I did this, I would be grateful to have escaped a felony charge, and also humbled by my lack of self control.
You should look up that post while you eat the popcorn.
You should look up that post while you eat the popcorn.
As always...more has been revealed!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Umm... well Im not sure if I should say this but IMHO. husbands are just a tad different than boyfriends. you see there are these little things called VOWS. Hard to believe but some actually take them seriously. Divorce is always an option. oftentimes it is a good option, but I would never ever compare myself or my boundaries to someone elses or take someone elses inventory... just responding to a couple posters here... once again IMHO... boyfriends do not equal husbands. girlfriends do not equal wives and a relationship of 10 years or less with no children involved do not in any way shape or for equal a marriage that has been built for an entire lifetime.
ok back to the OP:
Im not sure LMN... that boys mom has completed the 12 steps and her codie moments are far and few between. she pushes me to be independent and she says things like "even if he never relapses and you get your happily ever after... lets be realistic... car accidents happen... etc." She has been dealing with her son a looooong time. His gma on the other hand will never get well. she's almost 90 and was raised to be codependent.
as for me... the healthier I get the less I want active addicts and codies in my life. BUT my bf is not my husband... so.... I really do think its different. kinda. anyways... can a person get healthy? yes. absolutely. but would I keep that person in my life? for me... no. Its a spiritual issue. "as for me and my house ..."
ok back to the OP:
Im not sure LMN... that boys mom has completed the 12 steps and her codie moments are far and few between. she pushes me to be independent and she says things like "even if he never relapses and you get your happily ever after... lets be realistic... car accidents happen... etc." She has been dealing with her son a looooong time. His gma on the other hand will never get well. she's almost 90 and was raised to be codependent.
as for me... the healthier I get the less I want active addicts and codies in my life. BUT my bf is not my husband... so.... I really do think its different. kinda. anyways... can a person get healthy? yes. absolutely. but would I keep that person in my life? for me... no. Its a spiritual issue. "as for me and my house ..."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Attacking another poster's ESH is uncalled for and against the rules of SR so are you blatant attempts at trying to "embarrass" posters.
As always...more has been revealed!
As always...more has been revealed!
I wrote the above post because I was annoyed and then I deleted it and replaced with a smiley face, because I realized engaging either of you was pointless.
I wish you both well on your continued recovery from codependency.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dasiydoc
I shared my personal experience & was basically insulted by you Lovemenow, and by Dollydo for no reason, other than you disagree with my comment.
I wrote the above post because I was annoyed and then I deleted it and replaced with a smiley face, because I realized engaging either of you was pointless.
I wish you both well on your continued recovery from codependency.
I wrote the above post because I was annoyed and then I deleted it and replaced with a smiley face, because I realized engaging either of you was pointless.
I wish you both well on your continued recovery from codependency.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and so back to the topic...what was it? oh yeah, can we or can we not live with active addiction?
some can. some can't. addiction covers quite a spectrum....low bottom, high bottom, functional, highly functional, not so functional, no longer able to function and completely 24/7 steeped in the drug of choice. thing is it's all a continuum....each are STAGES of addiction, not special TYPES of addiction. addiction left unchecked will ALWAYS get worse.
I have never to this day seen a person continue to use unabated and get BETTER. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't quit. I watched my mom die at 57 cuz she would NOT quit. a buddy of mine from back in the day who was a coke dealer is today a successful straight up business man. I knew a guy in NA who finally got his act together, repaired his relationship with his children, was a good father, a good worker, a good all around person....and was killed one night on 167 by a drunk driver. another guy who had done time in prison for murder and became a changed man and a strong member of NA. the guy who was at my first AA meeting back in '87 and later developed diabetes and had his legs amputated, and part of one arm and now confined to a wheel chairs STILL attended meetings, every day. way back when, he was once shy and awkward with women and we were buddies so we went out on a pretend date so he could get some practice in a safe setting.
recovery is possible, but there are NO guarantees....and just cuz we wish they would, doesn't mean they will. we are each that person driving home from work only to have their life cut short. we are each the sober person who later was befelled by yet another disease that sought to destroy their body. we are each the innocent who was killed by an addict in the relentless grip of the drugs. we are each the woman here locally who was killed by her husband two nights ago.....as far back as 2007 he was arrested for domestic violence...but as her grieving niece said...she had a big heart, she would always take him back, always give him another chance............
some can. some can't. addiction covers quite a spectrum....low bottom, high bottom, functional, highly functional, not so functional, no longer able to function and completely 24/7 steeped in the drug of choice. thing is it's all a continuum....each are STAGES of addiction, not special TYPES of addiction. addiction left unchecked will ALWAYS get worse.
I have never to this day seen a person continue to use unabated and get BETTER. I shudder to think where I would be today if I hadn't quit. I watched my mom die at 57 cuz she would NOT quit. a buddy of mine from back in the day who was a coke dealer is today a successful straight up business man. I knew a guy in NA who finally got his act together, repaired his relationship with his children, was a good father, a good worker, a good all around person....and was killed one night on 167 by a drunk driver. another guy who had done time in prison for murder and became a changed man and a strong member of NA. the guy who was at my first AA meeting back in '87 and later developed diabetes and had his legs amputated, and part of one arm and now confined to a wheel chairs STILL attended meetings, every day. way back when, he was once shy and awkward with women and we were buddies so we went out on a pretend date so he could get some practice in a safe setting.
recovery is possible, but there are NO guarantees....and just cuz we wish they would, doesn't mean they will. we are each that person driving home from work only to have their life cut short. we are each the sober person who later was befelled by yet another disease that sought to destroy their body. we are each the innocent who was killed by an addict in the relentless grip of the drugs. we are each the woman here locally who was killed by her husband two nights ago.....as far back as 2007 he was arrested for domestic violence...but as her grieving niece said...she had a big heart, she would always take him back, always give him another chance............
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
my ESH...?
my experience is that I did leave my relationship with an active addict, even after having had multiple "episodes of hope"...3 months, 5 months, 8 months...hope of living without the addiction between us
my experience is what it is like to leave someone you love, who has an addiction that you can't live with.
my strength is that I left, after a long hard battle with my codependent attachment to his addiction.
my hope is that my life is better, I am happier.
unfortunately not all happy endings are due to the fact that the addict quit using
my ESH is my ESH and I offered it in response to your question about others who you say you self-admittedly judge because they stay
when you question why others stay...but you yourself do not have the ESH of having left...I question your judgement and offer outside perspective.
I love it when others validate their staying because of having said vows
we mere "girlfriends" are the bottom feeders in the pecking order of fearful judgmental types who as you said perhaps "compare out" or maybe use similar tools that addicts use...the "not yets" and the "not as bad as"...deflection, finger pointing, comparing
it is interesting to me that those who have not actually walked...can so easily judge others who have not yet walked, or offer advice to those who haven't walked under the guise of well-meaning ES&H that they simply can NOT have if they haven't experienced it
until you have done it you will not have that particular type of ESH
oh, but yes, I forget...my ESH is of lesser value because I did not take "VOWS"
BS
my experience is that I did leave my relationship with an active addict, even after having had multiple "episodes of hope"...3 months, 5 months, 8 months...hope of living without the addiction between us
my experience is what it is like to leave someone you love, who has an addiction that you can't live with.
my strength is that I left, after a long hard battle with my codependent attachment to his addiction.
my hope is that my life is better, I am happier.
unfortunately not all happy endings are due to the fact that the addict quit using
my ESH is my ESH and I offered it in response to your question about others who you say you self-admittedly judge because they stay
when you question why others stay...but you yourself do not have the ESH of having left...I question your judgement and offer outside perspective.
I love it when others validate their staying because of having said vows
we mere "girlfriends" are the bottom feeders in the pecking order of fearful judgmental types who as you said perhaps "compare out" or maybe use similar tools that addicts use...the "not yets" and the "not as bad as"...deflection, finger pointing, comparing
it is interesting to me that those who have not actually walked...can so easily judge others who have not yet walked, or offer advice to those who haven't walked under the guise of well-meaning ES&H that they simply can NOT have if they haven't experienced it
until you have done it you will not have that particular type of ESH
oh, but yes, I forget...my ESH is of lesser value because I did not take "VOWS"
BS
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by lesliej
my ESH...?
my experience is that I did leave my relationship with an active addict, even after having had multiple "episodes of hope"...3 months, 5 months, 8 months...hope of living without the addiction between us
my experience is what it is like to leave someone you love, who has an addiction that you can't live with.
my strength is that I left, after a long hard battle with my codependent attachment to his addiction.
my hope is that my life is better, I am happier.
unfortunately not all happy endings are due to the fact that the addict quit using
my ESH is my ESH and I offered it in response to your question about others who you say you self-admittedly judge because they stay
when you question why others stay...but you yourself do not have the ESH of having left...I question your judgement and offer outside perspective.
I love it when others validate their staying because of having said vows
we mere "girlfriends" are the bottom feeders in the pecking order of fearful judgmental types who as you said perhaps "compare out" or maybe use similar tools that addicts use...the "not yets" and the "not as bad as"...deflection, finger pointing, comparing
it is interesting to me that those who have not actually walked...can so easily judge others who have not yet walked, or offer advice to those who haven't walked under the guise of well-meaning ES&H that they simply can NOT have if they haven't experienced it
until you have done it you will not have that particular type of ESH
oh, but yes, I forget...my ESH is of lesser value because I did not take "VOWS"
BS
my experience is that I did leave my relationship with an active addict, even after having had multiple "episodes of hope"...3 months, 5 months, 8 months...hope of living without the addiction between us
my experience is what it is like to leave someone you love, who has an addiction that you can't live with.
my strength is that I left, after a long hard battle with my codependent attachment to his addiction.
my hope is that my life is better, I am happier.
unfortunately not all happy endings are due to the fact that the addict quit using
my ESH is my ESH and I offered it in response to your question about others who you say you self-admittedly judge because they stay
when you question why others stay...but you yourself do not have the ESH of having left...I question your judgement and offer outside perspective.
I love it when others validate their staying because of having said vows
we mere "girlfriends" are the bottom feeders in the pecking order of fearful judgmental types who as you said perhaps "compare out" or maybe use similar tools that addicts use...the "not yets" and the "not as bad as"...deflection, finger pointing, comparing
it is interesting to me that those who have not actually walked...can so easily judge others who have not yet walked, or offer advice to those who haven't walked under the guise of well-meaning ES&H that they simply can NOT have if they haven't experienced it
until you have done it you will not have that particular type of ESH
oh, but yes, I forget...my ESH is of lesser value because I did not take "VOWS"
BS
people who have not spent years and years with addiction in thier lives. I just didn't want to name names. but I was replying to those who "are not codependent and the addict is the only problem."Edited to add that I am a girlfriend, not a wife, and for me.... personally, because of my belief system and the HP I choose... I would have a harder time walking away from a husband than a BF, which is why I have not married my addict.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I tried living with an active addict, but in the end I couldn't live with him and be healthy and true to myself.. My marriage was a sham.. Full of lies and empty promises of I'm really quitting this time.. I worked two jobs, cleaned the house and made sure all the bills were paid while he laid on his ass all day, sleeping, playing video games and high as a kite when he wasn't working part time waiting tables.. I didn't have a husband I had a really horrible roommate..
If my ex would have really put in the effort of true recovery then I would probably be still married I him today but I was the only one in recovery and I don't think my recovery truly started until I divorced him and went No Contact.. Without him being around, I was able to let go of a lot of anger and resentment and start truly working on myself
If my ex would have really put in the effort of true recovery then I would probably be still married I him today but I was the only one in recovery and I don't think my recovery truly started until I divorced him and went No Contact.. Without him being around, I was able to let go of a lot of anger and resentment and start truly working on myself
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I have no idea about the alanon stuff, and I cant say if one is sick' if they can get well' while living with an active user based on my experience, but I would ask why not? If your talking about codependency being the sickness, then what does the active user have to do with your getting well?
actually I think Dollydoc is right on in her question here
al anon is focused on the co-dependent, NOT the dependent.
obviously there are al-anon members who do decide to stay, but the program focuses on the idea that one can find serenity and well being even if in relationship with someone who is actively using...mother, father, brother, sister, wife, husband, son, daughter, boyfriend...girlfriend.
I think the point is that you don't HAVE to leave...or stay... to find well being. it may be easier, healthier, harder, or unhealthier, one way or another...but al anon speaks to the capacity of each of us to find serenity and well being in ourselves...our spirit...not at the whim of someone else's use.
actually I think Dollydoc is right on in her question here
al anon is focused on the co-dependent, NOT the dependent.
obviously there are al-anon members who do decide to stay, but the program focuses on the idea that one can find serenity and well being even if in relationship with someone who is actively using...mother, father, brother, sister, wife, husband, son, daughter, boyfriend...girlfriend.
I think the point is that you don't HAVE to leave...or stay... to find well being. it may be easier, healthier, harder, or unhealthier, one way or another...but al anon speaks to the capacity of each of us to find serenity and well being in ourselves...our spirit...not at the whim of someone else's use.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
What a strange turn some threads can take.
I have been a wife and a girlfriend to an active addict. I have left both. I realized in my own time I could not live with their addictive personalities.
It took almost ten years with my husband and five years with my boyfriend.
In my situations I could not be a healthy person with them in active addiction. Probably because I had kids. As much as I might be able to ignore and not focus on the addict I knew at the end my kids would not be able to so the same. The guilt I felt was draining. The shame was killing me.
Had there been no kids involved... I dont know what would of happened. I could only speculate. I might of stayed a lot longer.
On an side note - there are things I have done when I was "crazy" that I can laugh about today. I have been to meetings where addicts can take a very lighthearted approach to their story when sharing. A story when said in a different setting or tone can be shocking and criminal.
I have threatened my AO's dealer with police action over the phone. Some days I can look at how scarey and stupud and dangerous that could of been. Other days I can tell it and just chuckle and shake my head at the thought of what I used to be like.
I have been a wife and a girlfriend to an active addict. I have left both. I realized in my own time I could not live with their addictive personalities.
It took almost ten years with my husband and five years with my boyfriend.
In my situations I could not be a healthy person with them in active addiction. Probably because I had kids. As much as I might be able to ignore and not focus on the addict I knew at the end my kids would not be able to so the same. The guilt I felt was draining. The shame was killing me.
Had there been no kids involved... I dont know what would of happened. I could only speculate. I might of stayed a lot longer.
On an side note - there are things I have done when I was "crazy" that I can laugh about today. I have been to meetings where addicts can take a very lighthearted approach to their story when sharing. A story when said in a different setting or tone can be shocking and criminal.
I have threatened my AO's dealer with police action over the phone. Some days I can look at how scarey and stupud and dangerous that could of been. Other days I can tell it and just chuckle and shake my head at the thought of what I used to be like.
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