EnglishGarden

He has an AA sponsor.

Do you also have one-to-one support for yourself, pravchaw? We are so easily manipulated and conned by addicts...they are always ten steps ahead of us.

Find a meeting and get a sponsor. Or a counselor who works with parents of addicts. Just don't be alone with this. It is mind-twisting, and we always need someone who will keep our thinking straight. We are really irrational sometimes when we are affected by a loved one's insanity. And we don't even know. So I hope there is someone there for you. Someone with recovery.

pravchaw

Thank you. My son's AA sponsor is helping us as well, but I need to get some support. We have joined a family group at a addiction treatment facility but it does not start until later in March. Let me know if you or any one with an addicted adult child is willing to talk over the phone or skype until I can get set up with a group here.

GardenMama

Meetings in Ontario, Canada

Here's a link to NarAnon in Toronto. There's a meeting tomorrow night and many others. I have found NarAnon the most incredible support and bastion of wisdom and love around the harrowing experience of having an addicted child. Seriously consider going to one ASAP. Such a huge relief to find kindred spirits who just want their loved ones to recover but who know they have to recover as well.

The most powerful thing at our meeting lately was a family of 4, all adults, who came together to their first meeting when the daughter/sister was out of control again. Bring whoever in your family is willing. As they say, addiction is a family disease.

Take care.

EnglishGarden

Drug addiction came into my life via a relationship, not a family member, but I do attend Nar-Anon sometimes, as well as Al-Anon, and in the Nar-Anon meetings the majority of people there are parents of young adults who have addictions, primarily, it seems, to heroin and meth here. Like Gardenmama described, sometimes several members of one family will walk in, new, together. Last meeting it was the grandmother, mother, and sister of a young man who is a drug addict, all making the choice to get educated about stopping the cycle of enabling and living their lives in a healthier fashion. Nar-Anon also has a great book of daily readings to keep a loved one in reality and some good pamphlets as well. It does not have the long history Al-Anon has, but as prescription drug addiction now is epidemic here in the states, more and more people are attending. I hope you will look into it. The meetings last an hour, first name only, you don't have to talk and can just listen. It could do you a world of good.

GardenMama

Thanks, EG, for making what I was gushing about more clear for a newcomer.

Anaya

Thumbs up here to NarAnon; very helpful for me.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

pravchaw

Since we turned him out - for the first time in many years he is making some effort to find a job. Apparently he is staying at a friends house - he would not tell us who, but he met my wife (his mother) yesterday who bought him a bus pass to get around.

I will get to a Nar-Anon meeting asap. Is it the same as Al-Anon? My son is a Marijuana addict? Does it matter?

pianogirl1193

It's good that you are forcing him to figure it out on his own. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon are very similar...Nar-Anon is for friends and families of drug addicts while Al-Anon is for friends and families of alcoholics. My EXBF is addicted to marijuana though and I go to Al-Anon (simply because there are more Al-Anon meetings in my city). It really doesn't matter which you go to. It's all the same. Let us know how the meeting goes when you do go! Remember that all meetings have a different feel, so if one doesn't feel right, try a couple more.

pravchaw

I think we are learning to detach now. He is a big boy and he will have to learn how to survive. His AA sponsor told us that he is at a fork in the road of his life - either it can lead to good things or things can get a lot worse. He has a history of making bad decisions - but we always broke his fall. We obviously did him no favours. We should have just let the consequences punch him in the face. Though I don't know any of you - I want to thank you for being there the last few days - some of the most difficult in my life.

pravchaw

The story continues ... our door bell rang at 5 am. It was our prodigal son, cold tired and hungry. He had crept into our garage and slept in my wife's car, till he could not stand the cold anymore. He said he could not get in touch with his friends and had no where to go - no money, no phone.

GardenMama

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Follow your heart and your best instincts as a parent, and as you have been, keep educating yourself as the parent of an addict. We are here for you.

Kindeyes

This is so heartbreaking for a parent. I can't even begin to tell you how many times that happened to us. I can't even tell you how many times I let him him. And the hardest thing I have ever done......is turn him away.

This is a really tough journey for a parent. Addiction goes against every fiber of our being and instinct. It is a baffling and cunning disease.

Allowing our adult children the dignity of solving their own problems and facing the consequences of their decisions is really tough.....particularly when they prove time and again that they are drawn towards poor decisions. But if I continued indefinitely to slide a pillow under my son's butt, he would have no reason to change the course of his decisions.

This is tough stuff. I will never, ever be grateful for my son's addiction......but I will be eternally grateful for the lessons I am learning and people who came into my life that are a direct result of his addiction.

You are not alone.......there are a bunch of parents on this forum who are walking with you.

gentle hugs
ke

pravchaw

Thanks for your support. This ain't easy.
I went a little weak and did tell him that he could stay for a few nights till he can work out alternative accommodation.
However he has to leave the house when we go to work and come back in the evening. He cannot be in the house by himself.

I recognize that I may not have done the right thing, for now. This is the first time me have kicked him out - so I guess we are in the learning and hardening process. But now I am determined that the rest of the family will not be held hostage to his addiction.

Oz11

My son had more issues than that I kicked him out of the house,we lived in fl and he sleep in a tent in his buddy's front yard. But I had no other option I had a younger son watching. And I was not going to let it be around him. He almost didn't finish high school. Got kicked out of navy.Stole lots and lots of stuff and money from us before I kicked him out. Cried so many tears my eyes hurt, but I did pray and prayed often. It took years before he woke up, I would ask God to let him not kill himself before he got a clue. You can love them but not make them drink from the good well. He is 37 now in college had a great job making more money than me until his lay off. He has some issues, but he changed all for the better. Hang in their I know it is very,very,hard.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Pravchaw, I am another mom of a 22 year old addict. He has been in/out/in/out of jail due to burglary and theft of items in our own home! He is a very intelligent, educated and well taken care of young man. He has let everyone in his life down due to his addictions and I always took his side and defended him until I realized that....
His addiction was not HIM! My son needs to separate himself from the addictive personality that takes over when he uses (heroin is DOC). He knows he can never live under our roof again, and he also knows this time he has to find his own way to rehab. My heart hurts and is very heavy (you can read my previous posts) because of his broken commitments but I also know and feel that the bottom is close. I believe this is almost over and since my son should be dead but is still here on Earth, I believe that his path is soon clear. Though it is heartbreaking to watch them self destruct, there is NOTHING that will get in the way of their drug if they want it and NOTHING they won't do to keep their DOC.
Keep reading, go to your meetings and determine what boundaries you want to set.
Hugs
Teresa

Kindeyes

We all do what we can live with at any given time......none of us fully understand your situation and we don't have to live with the consequences of the decisions you are making for your family. There is no judgement here......just support. We do understand how very hard it is.......

I will share my experience (including what I consider failures on my part), strength (what I had to do to live through the worst moments), and hope (for myself and for my dear son). That is what we all have to offer to you.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

pravchaw

Thanks - he has now secured social assistance and has located accommodation. He plans to move out tonight but needs me to pay his 1st month and deposit, till he can get some income. He is actively looking for a job and says he plans to hang on to college.

Oz11

Well I hope he grows up, if not you hold on to positive things in your life. He is watching how you also handle life stress's sounds like he has trouble in that area. Keep posting

EnglishGarden

Pravchaw, do you know the book "Beautiful Boy" by David Scheff, about his son's drug addiction? And the two books his son--Nic--has written from his addict point of view?

I recommend both. Especially Nic's. His father was so naive, and reading Nic's books, how he played his family and lied and always found someplace else to land when they kicked him out.....it is good for parents to read.

Another excellent book from the addict's point of view, my favorite, is "I Want My Life Back" by Steve Hamilton. Again, the motive to read these books is to scrub away any naivete you have about addict thinking and behavior.

Your son does not get to be the most important person in your family. Please try to remember, as things continue to unfold. The rest of the family should never be sacrificed to rescuing your son. The greatest good for the greatest number.

pravchaw

Thanks EG. I will make it a point to read the books you recommended.
My son just picked up his stuff and left. While sad, we are also feeling a sense of relief. While we have paid his rent and deposit with no hope of getting it back - but a small price to pay to get him out.

Oz, I too hope he will grow up - but I doubt he has hit his bottom. I think he will scrape along the bottom for a while and show up periodically for support or money. We will just have to say No. If he blows his rent money he can live in the shelter or camp out as the weather gets better. I doubt he will stay in college either - though I have promised to pay for his tution if he passes.

Its been a field of broken dreams. Three years ago I sent him to study Nuclear Engineering and now he will be lucky to hold a job of check out clerk.