Parent of a Pot Addict

Old 03-03-2013, 12:14 PM
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Pavchaw, I feel your pain, wish I could make it better. But I see you have come up with a plan to help you manage in your pain. Distance sometimes is helpful when people are into self destructive behavior . If we don' t have watch it all we find we start living among the living again. Please keep us posted, good luck.
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Old 03-09-2013, 06:31 AM
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Question Pot addiction

My son dropped by yesterday. As I explained earlier in this thread I asked my son to leave our home because of his pot addiction and associated dishonesty and stealing. He has been on his own for about 2 weeks now.

He called my wife and asked that he could have dinner with us. My wife picked him up from his AA sponsors home. He said he has quit smoking pot and still going to college. He hung around the house for a while, played his favorite video game had dinner with us and left to go to an AA meeting with his sponsor. He says he wants to clean up his act and come home.

I want to know he is serious about recovery before letting him back in. Both I and my wife miss him but don't want to go back into enabling and he slides back into his old lifestyle. Advise and thoughts will be very welcome.

Last edited by pravchaw; 03-09-2013 at 06:32 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 03-09-2013, 07:03 AM
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Didn't he get his own place? Is he working and paying for that place? If he is in college full time, then he can work part time. What is the hurry to come back home. Is it to save money? I think it is important to know whether he can keep his job. When out stepdaughter moved back in at 19 she immediately stopped going to work, and went back to old ways of lying around doing nothing. It did not work for her to be home. She thought of it as a way to do nothing.

Each person is an individual. With her, we had her sign a written contract as to the rules of coming back. We ended up having to kick her back out.
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Old 03-09-2013, 07:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Oz11 View Post
Pavchaw, I feel your pain, wish I could make it better. But I see you have come up with a plan to help you manage in your pain. Distance sometimes is helpful when people are into self destructive behavior . If we don' t have watch it all we find we start living among the living again. Please keep us posted, good luck.
Well said, Oz11.

I also feel your pain, Pravchaw. This is tough for you all.

I do know that I feel a sense of relief and calm when I decide to stick with boundaries and work towards "living among the living again."
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Old 03-09-2013, 09:31 AM
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He is on social assistance (welfare) and we helped him out with the deposit for his rent. He goes to college part time. He does not have a job but claims he is looking for one. He admitted that he was using a week ago. I am extremely wary of the fact that he comes home falls into his old habits. I want to see some real change in him first. So at least for the next couple of months he has to live separately and work on himself. Any advise of what change I should watch out for, which would indicate real recovery?
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:12 AM
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It is good to get an update from you, Pravchaw.

If you read my very first posts, you'll see I came here asking for advice about my decision to not let my 19 yo RAD live at home after 28 days of inpatient. Based on all the affirmation I got here, I did not let her come home. She will likely never live with us again, by her own choosing now, and I truly believe that living on her own has actually HELPED her recovery. There are too many triggers at home and the ghosts of old behaviors just waiting to settle in again.

He's 21. Perhaps its time that he figure his own life out. If he knows he can live at home in a month or two or six, his goal for recovery will likely only be long enough to get what he wants--living the easy life at home again. Then the backsliding will begin again.

There are very likely Sober Living Environments (SLEs) in your city, and there may even be some for college students. There are in my city of less than a million. If he is committed to sobriety, these will be welcome suggestions from you, but once you've offered, just back off.

Backing off with my daughter, while initially painful, is actually now leading us to a better relationship.

She is in her 2nd semester of college since she got clean, and today called me all stressed out, saying she thought the semester was going to be a $2k mistake. I said, "Are you going to fail all your classes, honey?" She said, "No, I'm just not doing as well as I'd like." Her standard for herself is actually higher than mine! I share this as an example for you. Let him feel the consequences of his own actions and then maybe he will surprise even himself with his own strength and determination.

Keep us posted. Have you been to AlAnon or NarAnon yet?
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:37 AM
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Thumbs up

Based on all the affirmation I got here, I did not let her come home. She will likely never live with us again, by her own choosing now, and I truly believe that living on her own has actually HELPED her recovery. There are too many triggers at home and the ghosts of old behaviors just waiting to settle in again.
Backing off with my daughter, while initially painful, is actually now leading us to a better relationship.
Thank you very much for your advise. This is very actionable and makes sense.

Keep us posted. Have you been to AlAnon or NarAnon yet?
Yes, I attended an open meeting and my wife attended a closed one. She found it quite helpful and helped put our issues in context. I plan to go again next week and we plan to start attending the family support group therapy at CAMH.
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:51 AM
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So glad to hear you are both making use of all the help you can find. It is hard parenting an addict! We need each other and lots of well-trained professionals!

Take care.
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:02 PM
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I have not been able to find a "Sober Living Environment" in the Toronto area. The only places seem to be rehab centers which cost $250 per day or more. If anyone knows of any please let me know.
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:36 PM
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My husband and I allowed the son of one of his best friends to come live with us. His dad had passed away, and the son had been reacting for months drinking a lot, using cocaine. His mom was grieving and couldnt handle him at home any longer. The big event came when she found out he swindled a whole semester of college tuition but withdrew and got the money back. She asked us to try to help him because she didn't want him on the streets.

He has been living with us since last summer and calling our furnished basement home. We had only a few rules. No drugs in the house, no being drunk in the house, no drug friends in the house, be polite and respectful.

He was going to counseling for the loss of his father, and the drug addiction. He kept that up.
My husband helped secure a job for him and the people there also knew his dad,'sort of took him under their wing and taught him all aspects of the business to see what interested him.

This all started for us last summer I guess.
We only had a few rules broke. Once he came home very late drunk and my husband left him to sleep in the backyard on lawn furniture (it was summer) and once he hung out with old friends, the whole car got pulled over and even though a passenger he was taken to jail. Was released no charges because my husband agreed to pick him up.

After that he wised up. He started going to church with us and got involved in their young adult programs. Made friends, even met the girl he now dates. He found funds on his own to re-enroll in college (most leftover from what he swindled) and started again. Last semester his mom began paying again for his tuition. He will now graduate in May and will be working full time for the same company. He wants to start grad school next fall.

I think you will see him behaving responsibly, trying to make new friends, lead a decent life. Being respectful to you and your wife. Good grades, an interest in his future.

I wonder sometimes what would have happened if his path had been different. Like if he had been on the streets, been left at jail or had charges against him, had not had money for tuition. I will think about all this as as watch him graduate in a couple months. I should also add, after he got back in college and had the part time job, he offered to pay us rent. Remember we are not even relatives in this situation. We didn’t want to take the money at first, but he said it was to thank us for helping him. Then we felt it was an important step for him to take in becoming an adult. He is going to be moving back to his moms after he graduates. He is doing this so he can work full time and save money. His mom has a large home and now lives alone. The rent money that he gave us, we plan to give it all back to him as part of his graduation gift. We are very proud of him.
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:48 PM
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We are very proud of him.
Thank you for this story, Deuce. It fills me with hope. Its a fine line between detachment and abandonment. Between you and his mother, you found it - and he responded. I hope to able to post a similar story is due course.
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Old 03-09-2013, 02:56 PM
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I would just like to caution you, Pravchaw, that there is a significant distinction between drinking/drug abuse and the disease of addiction.

Addictive disease is not cured by nurture. It is a permanent, lifelong, irrevocable change in the structure and chemistry of the brain. When we mistakenly believe that we can influence this biological illness by our love and nurture, we will be shocked when the addict not only does not get sober, but resists and resents our efforts to change him.

So do continue learning about addiction, for if your son has addictive disease, what looks like loving concern and support from the family could be part of what keeps his addiction enabled. We do not cause addiction but we most definitely can contribute to its progression by rescuing the addict from the consequences of using.

Your son is addicted to pot, in your opinion. This means he will use any means to pave the way toward an easy life as an addict. Pot is also demotivating. So a nice room in the basement and loose change is the last thing a pot addict needs. Be very careful. Keep learning. When the family starts recovering in the right way, it can hasten a bottom for the addict. Not always. But it increases the chances.
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Old 03-09-2013, 03:00 PM
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They might be called Oxford Houses in Toronto...and yes they are! Just googled it. Check out this link:

Oxford House

You can also get to their main page with info about how to get in. Looks like there are some vacancies in and around Toronto.

Take care.
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Old 03-09-2013, 03:20 PM
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Your son is addicted to pot, in your opinion. This means he will use any means to pave the way toward an easy life as an addict. Pot is also demotivating. So a nice room in the basement and loose change is the last thing a pot addict needs. Be very careful. Keep learning. When the family starts recovering in the right way, it can hasten a bottom for the addict. Not always. But it increases the chances.
Thank you. I will keep this advise top of mind. I want to avoid enabling but still want to keep the channels of communication open.
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Old 03-09-2013, 03:26 PM
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Oxford Houses in Toronto
Unfortunately they are all across the border in the US, we are Canadians. I will keep on looking.
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Old 03-09-2013, 03:40 PM
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Well, I put Toronto in the search, but clearly didn't look long enough! Sorry.

And I second everything EG just wrote to you. After my RAD overdosed and nearly died, we believed her when she said she'd only tried heroin once or twice...we nurtured her and loved her and then my sister took her into her home in another part of the country, got her a job at her firm, a new bedroom, clothes, sought out friends her age for her, then BOOM. She couldn't keep up the facade...three months later she was back in our state in rehab, and it was not easy to get her, there even then, even when she had admitted she had a problem.

My humble advice: Don't let him live at home yet; set really firm boundaries and keep telling him you love him.
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Old 03-09-2013, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by GardenMama View Post
Well, I put Toronto in the search, but clearly didn't look long enough! Sorry.

And I second everything EG just wrote to you. After my RAD overdosed and nearly died, we believed her when she said she'd only tried heroin once or twice...we nurtured her and loved her and then my sister took her into her home in another part of the country, got her a job at her firm, a new bedroom, clothes, sought out friends her age for her, then BOOM. She couldn't keep up the facade...three months later she was back in our state in rehab, and it was not easy to get her, there even then, even when she had admitted she had a problem.

My humble advice: Don't let him live at home yet; set really firm boundaries and keep telling him you love him.
I would ask if while she was being nurtured, loved and all the rest. was she getting any kind of professional, or group support on a regular basis to help her grow and evolve? If there were emotional issues were they being handled in therapy? I agree, there is no sure fire answer that fits everyone. That is why it comes down to your specific situation.
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Old 03-10-2013, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Deuce View Post
I would ask if while she was being nurtured, loved and all the rest. was she getting any kind of professional, or group support on a regular basis to help her grow and evolve? If there were emotional issues were they being handled in therapy? I agree, there is no sure fire answer that fits everyone. That is why it comes down to your specific situation.
Yes, since age 12, every possible thing I could do (therapy, mentors, access to arts & special programs, dual-diagnosis treatment at 15, etc). And sometimes there was a little traction, and sometimes not. She was likely an addict (in the disease sense we discuss on SR and in NarAnon) by age 15, but is so smart, precocious, and manipulative that all of the professionals in a hospital treatment setting concluded after one week that she was not an addict.

She was, though, and was probably suffering from anxiety/depression. I believed them--that she wasn't an addict--and then continued to offer her several more years of support and opportunity and love. We even left the town where we were living, in part for her, hoping that in a new setting she'd find more opportunity and a new set of friends. Instead, she found the drug dealers.

I agree, every situation is different, and when dealing with a severely addicted teen or young adult, normal parenting instincts & solutions don't usually work.

Your friend's son is lucky to have you. I am glad it worked out for him.
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Old 03-10-2013, 06:57 AM
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Thank you for the good advise. I agree that he cannot live at home yet, as I believe there is a high probability he will revert back to his old patterns. In fact, I doubt he has given those patterns up yet, as he still hangs around with his old crowd. His word will have to be backed by consistent action.

Deuce, he has access to professional help and support if he needs if he choose to use them. In the past he has not or done so inconsistently. So the best strategy is to step back, detach and let him work out his issues by himself. He knows he has a life line to grab when he really wants to.
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Old 03-11-2013, 07:32 AM
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Question Best Practices for Helping Addicts to Bottom out

Good morning friends,

Does anyone has advise on best practices for helping an addict hit bottom?

We have removed my son from our home, cut him off all cash. We are still paying for his cell phone and bus pass. We allow him to come home couple of times a week for meals and to relax.

Any other suggestions? Should we be tightening up further. My goal is not to enable but at the same time not to disable. Am I on the right track. I know these are detailed questions, and every case is different, but please share your experiences with helping your A hitting their bottom.
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