HopefulmomtoD

I think with young adults its walking a tightrope between enabling but not completely as you put it disabling and cutting off contact. I know my DH and I have really struggled with it. My 22 RAS (alcoholic) is now two months sober and living at home. However, we've had a rough year of kicking him out, a couple of detoxes, a 30 day rehab, 6 months of sober living environment, back home, another relapse. This last time we kicked him out for a week and he was pretty desperate. Fortunately, insurance paid for a rehab (the others we had financed). We told him he couldn't come back home and needed to find a sober home following rehab. Long story, but that did not work out. We again let him back home and so far, so good. He's attending AA meetings daily and working with a sponsor and has over 60 days sober. He is also taking a couple of college courses and just started a full time job.

Sorry I don't have a lot of suggestions, because as you know they have to really want to get sober. It sounds like you are doing everything possible to not enable but also help him get his life on track.

Has he done any kind of rehab? I really think the intense programs can really help them get on track.

Kindeyes

I did what I could live with at any given time. And unfortunately, I did some very enabling things for a long time. I slipped a pillow under my son's bottom more often than I care to admit. All the while he became further entrenched in addiction.

I had long periods of no contact with my son but I did it for me......not to force him to a bottom (there's a huge difference in this....subtle but huge). I needed the time to concentrate on my own recovery without the F.O.G. that is often created when the addict is around.

An addict is going to use until they get sick and tired of being sick and tired......and not one moment sooner. There is nothing we can do to make it happen faster IMHO. However, we CAN change ourselves and that will often change the dynamic with the addict.

I had to change the focus. Instead of thinking in terms of forcing my son to his bottom, I had to think in terms of how to best take care of me, my place of serenity (my home), and my life partner (my husband). This focus shift allowed me to make decisions without any manipulative intent. I could say what I mean (state my boundaries), mean what I say (my boundaries are not negotiable), and not say it mean.

It took me a long time to get there ( I'm a slow learner lol). But once I was able to fully embrace the concept that I could only control myself and my own environment, the dynamic changed. I don't credit myself with my son getting himself into a long term rehab....he did that.....but I do credit myself with taking care of me and changing myself.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

pravchaw

Hi HopefulMom - Thanks for sharing your experience. Yes - he has been to a 21 day rehab - but relapsed soon after. He has been attending AA off and on over the last few months but seemed to have tapered off. He did go to a meeting last week with his sponsor.

Ke - I hear you but I can't say I fully understand. Perhaps this is one of those things you have to learn for your self. Perhaps hitting my bottom (surrender, CCC, detachment) will help him in hit his bottom?

HopefulmomtoD

Sorry I missed the rehab comment- I read your thread last night and then responded this am. Anyway, at least you know that he knows what to do. Now, he just has to decide to do it.

The big problem I had with putting my son out of the house was that other than his GF he had nowhere to go. (He's more of a loner.) It sounds like your son would have a place to go? Albeit with pot smoking friends. Are the laws more lenient in Canada for marijuana? A friend of mine's son was/is alot like your son. However, he recently got arrested for selling a small amount to a friend. Had to spend a night in jail and is facing a felony. That's scared him straight for a while ... I hope it doesn't take an arrest to get your son sober/clean.

My son loved marijuana in HS, but made the switch to mostly alcohol a couple of years ago. He said it was easier to get and wasn't afraid of getting arrrested buying it.

One other question, do you think your son has any mental health issues like depression that he is self medicating?

pravchaw

Hi Hopefulmom,

Thank you for your reply. Its so wonderful to be able to talk to parents like yourself who have been through the ordeal.

Marijuana is illegal in Canada but the police do not press felony charges if they find small amounts for personal use. However if they suspect a person is trafficking they will prosecute for sure. In fact, this issue first came to my attention when he got arrested in grade 12 with a large amount of marijuana in car (our car) with 3 other youths. He swore up and down that it did not belong to him but to one of the other youths. I believed him, got him a lawyer (cost of over 3 G's) and he got off with community services and no record. It later dawned on me that he is addicted as well after he started failing in engineering college. He later switched to business, where he continues to struggle.

This is my big fear - him getting into trafficking to make money and getting arrested. (Not that I can do anything about it.) After we told him to leave he spent a few nights with his pot friends (and after their parents kicked him out as well) he spent the night outside in freezing weather (he crept into our garage and slept in our car). The next day he somehow managed to convince the city to put him on social assistance and get a room. He now receives some rent money and food money and is more or less on his own. I told him I will pay his college tuition if he passes (which I doubt he will).

He has consulted with a psychiatrist and he is on anti-depressants for the last 3 months. I am pretty sure that depression is due to his addiction not the reverse.

HopefulmomtoD

Its so painful and sad, isn't it to see their potential wasted? My son is also on anti depressants- however, his depression is much better now that he is sober and his life is getting on track. Of course, the meds don't really work when they are using other drugs like pot and alcohol- depressants.

I'm glad he's got shelter so you and your wife don't have to suffer with him living on the streets. Hopefully, he'll come to his senses soon and get tired of living this life.

It really does sound like you are doing everything you can. Don't lose hope- I've read plenty of stories of boys like ours turning it around.