allforcnm

Hi Daisy,
My husband worked his recovery by using private therapy. He went through detox, and then he did enter an inpatient rehab, but it was a non 12-step and based on individual therapy. It worked well for him, and when he came home then he started working once a week with a doctor to continue follow up care. That is pretty much all he does, except – he had to remove all the people in his life that were involved in his drug use. In his case, it was people he worked with. So he was able to get a transfer at work to another project, another building. I read where you said your boyfriend doesn’t have friends that use, but only suppliers. That is good, but he will still have things that remind him of using. And he will have to figure out what changes he needs to make in that area.

It is sort of a tough place you are in, he is reading and acting like he is getting ready for change, but he hasn’t taken that jump in yet. I don’t think you should push him, but it is ok to talk about the options with him, and offer encouragement.

Dealing with all of this stuff can be really confusing for us too; what helped me was getting set up with my own therapist when my husband was in rehab. She was able to explain what my husband was going through, technical information, and she helped me understand about enabling, codependency, and how to sort through my feelings and thoughts. I would suggest you look into something like this for yourself. I saw your post on the secular forum also I have read quite a bit about SMART, because my therapist recommended one of their books and the philosophy matches a lot of what I was taught in my therapy. So if you have questions on any of it, please feel free to send me a note.

Based on what Ive read, I think that your boyfriend is lucky to have your support. Just be sure to take care of yourself and don’t get too caught up in all of the research on addiction. I did that for a while early on, and at some point it became unhealthy for me. I am glad I took the time to read and learn, but I just had to find a healthy stopping point for myself.
Good luck to both of you.

crazybabie

Daisy, I was thinking about this thread last night after the football game sometimes there seems to be someone come along that I feel the need to share more with and your the one lol sorry.

We have quite a few things in common my husband as I already said was smoking pot from age 12 we met when he was 16 and I was 15 I have never known him off of any drug from what you said it is my understanding that your bf has been using all the time that you have know him.

That means neither of us really know the person we are with I don't know about you but that is kinda scary for me.

In the beginning and for now my husbands addiction did not bother me at all I was happy and loved being with him then we had our first child, two years later our second and 2 years later our third.

Think about your future for a minute should he continue to use and you marry have kids what then? I know we live One Day at a Time but this, is something you should think about addiction can not be hidden from kids no matter how hard we try. I am guessing the two of you are kinda young? May I ask how long you have been with him.

I suppose I should add that the for now his addiction doesn't bother me part is because he stopped the pills and for now the pot. I learned to live with the pot although I don't know what I will do if he starts it back I have not decided. I do know if he restarts pills we are playing baseball and he is OUT.

dasiydoc

Hope you enjoyed a nice cackle of laughter as you posted this, because if provides me with no support, and 0% wisdom. I wish you well in your continued recovery.

hello-kitty

Hi Daisy, if you find certain posts by certain people are extremely unhelpful or upsetting you, you can block that person by going to your user control panel.

Honestly, I have to admit I wondered the same thing about your posts - if everything is A-ok, why post? I really don't understand what's "not ok" with your relationship with your boyfriend as you define it. It sounds like you are fine with him using drugs, understand that you can't make him quit, change him or make him serious about recovery, and question the usefulness or appropriateness of the programs (AA, NA or al-anon) that have been recommended...

Anyway, if you don't like that I just said that you can always block me too. I'm just confused on what kind of support or feedback were expecting?

dollydo

"Hope you enjoyed a nice cackle of laughter as you posted this, because if provides me with no support, and 0% wisdom. I wish you well in your continued recovery. "

No cackle of any kind, I take recovery from both addiction and codependency very serious. I have tried to support you with my 0% wisdom and knowledge, you counter every statement. You can block/ignore me and I will do the same, resolves that issue.

tjp613

Suppose you want to boil a frog. How do you do it? You could place the frog into a pot of hot water, but as soon as it feels the heat, it will jump out. So, what can you do? Put a pot of cool water on the stove and then add the frog. Not sensing danger the frog will stay. Next, turn the burner on low to slowly heat the water. As the water warms, the frog relaxes. The warmth feels good. As the water gets hotter it acts like a steam bath draining away energy and deepening the frog's relaxation. The frog becomes sleepy and has less and less energy while the water is getting hotter and hotter. By the time the frog realizes its danger, the water is beginning to boil, and it is too late to take action. There is neither time nor energy left to do anything. The frog perishes in the boiling water.
---------------

I am guessing from what you have posted, daisydoc, that you are enjoying a cozy, warm bath...just like the frog in the parable.

It's fine to stay in the relationship if you choose to do so... we all have the power to choose. Just keep your eyes open and come back here to read every so often...espcially if you perceive that the water is getting warmer. Believe it or not, we desire nothing but health and happiness for you.

crazybabie

Daisy, I would just like to say that when I joined here and when I left and came back which has not really been very long I found that the post that made me wanna hit my computer screen I later found out were the post I needed the most. Just a share of my experience.

allforcnm

In case you are still reading, I went back and read your introduction post, and I do see why you posted on family forum, and it appears that while you are happy now with your boyfriend, and accept him the way he is, you still have concerns for your future if he doesn’t get help. Rightfully so.

In regards to some of the replies you received, I think it might be helpful to understand that most of the people on this forum (unless they are parents) came here because they want to break up with someone but cant find the courage, have broken up with someone, were dumped by someone, or some have multiple issues, and most are in some kind of pain. Many also have very strong opinions based on what they have experienced personally. This is of course my opinion based on what Ive observed since coming here.

So your saying 'you like your boyfriend' throws a lot of people off and they wonder why are you here. There are a minority of people here who actually do like their significant others, are staying with one that is an active addict, or who like me chose to stay with one that entered recovery. But still most of us have struggled, or are struggling with issues related addiction, or issues with codependency, or both.

I like my husband too…. Not so much when he was actively using because he had behavioral issues then… so you are lucky to have not experienced that so far.

If you dont want to post here again, I would also suggest you don’t forget about the Newcomers forum because there is a more diverse group of people; addicts, recovering using various methods, and even family memebers. It has a wider range of topics related to addiction also.

Do what works for you Daisy. Good luck to you and your boyfriend.

dasiydoc

I didn’t run off and leave because of the comments. I just didn’t have much time yesterday and couldn’t reply to anything else. I know there is good advice to be found here, and that is what has kept my interest, kept me reading here for this past week.

I thought I had been handling the situation with my boyfriends drug use ok. As I said in my first post, I havent been trying to make him stop, or control him because I know he has to want to stop and take the initiative on his own, or it wont work. I compared it to trying to force someone to be on a diet and exercise program. I only started getting involved in the research of treatments because he asked me to. He has been dragging all this stuff in and pouring through it, and he talks to me about it. I don’t feel like Im leading the way or responsible for his decisions in any of this, but I also don’t think it is wrong to show interest, and offer support.

What got me confused was this comment:
It made me start thinking I was wrong in not trying to be more active in all this, like I should try to influence him based on our relationship. Then I posted about that and everyone said no that type of thinking is codependent. So I mean this is where I got confused. I think I have it straight in my head now.

Yes thank you. I had already posted in both, asking for information. I got a lot from the secular forum and I forwarded it to my boyfriend because that was the one area he didn’t have as much information on. SMART Id already seen their website, but AVRT doesn’t have one, so this was helpful. And the good people on the newcomers are the ones who sent me to the family forum.

Yes it seems we do, and I appreciate your posts because they do make me think about the future with him. The two things I ever get afraid of are is knowing how dangerous the drug is, and that he could die instantly while using, or I might walk in and find him one day already dead. I have actually had bad feelings in the past, and got nervous going into his house, just to find him fine and dandy. That is hard to balance in your brain. And I do think about the future . we are both in our twenties. I have known him just over a year. I guess the only truthful answer would be that I need to think more about if I would want to make a lifetime commitment to him. Like I said, I do like him and I respect him as a person, but he has a problem and right now he is not even taking steps to deal with it. At the same time he is not showing symptoms of his use and that makes it difficult, at least for me. I think it is sort of like the issue with pot and your husband. You don’t approve of it per say, but does his doing this really make him a bad person that you don’t like, or does it not really affect you directly? But sounds like when he is on pills it does affect you and so you have a boundary that you wont accept that in your life.

I realize this is what I need to learn about, and think about a lot. I came here thinking no problem if he starts doing thinks that I don’t like then I will just end it with him. But now I question how well I know myself, and would I make small allowances that lead to big allowances. A great example is that FROG story.

Thank you for sharing this, although it made me think of biology class. It does make sense, and I have read it a couple of times. This is why I need to learn more, and make informed decisions. Frogs don’t understand about the water temperature, and most of you are trying to tell me it will get hotter and hotter before I realize it. It like the parable someone else told me about suddenly realizing im far out as sea and have to have the strength to swim back, if my boat should sink.

I guess what Im going to do is stop researching because it is obvious he has all the information he needs. I will continue to talk to him when he asks me for my opinion and such. I am reading some books, and I have ordered a few more. So I will slowly get through them as I don’t have a lot of time right now. I will also read here off and on, but probably wont post unless there is some change, or I have some questions when I read the codependent book.
Also I should say because some people seemed to take offense. I have no problems with meetings, and I know they help a lot of people. I even went to one with my boyfriend because he asked me to, and truthfully I was also curious having heard and read about them but never seen one in action.

Yes, I have read and been told about a lot of weird things that go on at meetings; my boyfriend has heard it also, but I don’t really know that it would be appreciated if I brought that subject up here. I also agree there is good and bad in most recovery programs, so maybe I should leave it at that. My boyfriend will decide what he wants to do, and when he wants to take on the challenge. Right now, he seems to be leaning towards picking a specialist and working it that way. That would alleviate a big concern he has over privacy, and he also seems to feel a trained doctor can help him the most. But as we all know, he has taken no action yet. All he has to do is make that first phone call and set up an appointment. Sort of funny, but he also has bio’s of doctors he is considering. I did make slight fun of him, and told him if he pinned them to the wall, then he would look like a stalker or something. But he laughed with me so it was ok.

GerandTwine

AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) is a method of self-recovery carefully developed by Jack Trimpey and available in his popular manual titled "Rational Recovery The New Cure For Substance Addiction, The Revolutionary Alternative to Alcoholics Anonymous", 1996, and his more recent book, "The Art of AVRT", 2010. Rational Recovery does have a website at rational dot org, which includes a slide show "Crash Course" on AVRT.

crazybabie

Quote:Originally Posted by crazybabie
we have quite a few things in common

I think it is sort of like the issue with pot and your husband. You don’t approve of it per say, but does his doing this really make him a bad person that you don’t like, or does it not really affect you directly? But sounds like when he is on pills it does affect you and so you have a boundary that you wont accept that in your life.


daisy, I grew up in a family where smoking pot was normal including my parents and I smoked with my hubby off and on from age 15 until I found out I was expecting my first child at age 18.

His pot smoking started bothering me when his consumption got to the point of he was smoking an ounce a week by his self that is a lot of cash and then sometimes the person is not home and he would have to wait

Your right the pills I will not tolerate that is my boundary the pills do affect me in many ways.
I am and am not OK with the pot I know that sounds crazy I am still trying to find where I stand on that one.

redatlanta

Hi Daisy - Sorry for what you are going through.

You know when I first got on the forum I got some responses that I didn't like - After much reflection and going to Al Anon and staying active on SR I came to realize that I just wanted people to agree with me. I wanted to people to agree that it was ok to make excuses for RAH who was AH at the time - I loved him - and while I was upset and tortured by his relapse I did not want to leave him.

Some people held my hand and some people smacked me right in the face, the combination was what I needed. Dollydo I found initially to be harsh but what she said was the truth without handholding, or patting me on the back, or taking 12 posts to get to it. I look for her posts now and take to heart the wisdom of someone who has been there and done that for much longer than I. The posts that got under my skin and inflamed me are the ones in retrospect that meant the most and in the end had the most effect on me to help myself, and I have done that and continue to do so. My relationship is better for it.

What I get out of reading your story is a lot of no's - can't do inpatient, can't do outpatient, and can't do AA or NA. While there are other recovery options aside from AA and NA on some level ABF will most likely at the very least have to do a medical detox - it could be physically harmful not to.

I applaud that you are concerned and are trying to be supportive but IMO when someone is truly dedicated to getting clean they will do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING to get there without worry of people knowing or making excuses of why something won't work for them. Its a matter of priorities - to him his graduate program is more important, to me his sobriety is because it is the foundation to success in using that heard earned degree. Your ABF sounds like he is a dabbler in getting clean - researching and gathering information without taking the next step. Reminds me of when I used to get dressed in my exercise clothes, pop Jane Fonda in the VCR, and sit on the couch and watch it.

As for his parents I wouldn't bother. They already know as you said - they are financially enabling him anyway. You don't really know them that well and sounds like he doesn't have the greatest relationship with them. This sounds like a potential bomb to me - further enabling, turning against YOU (oh yes that happens), or the worst - expecting you to FIX their son. EEEE Gads, no thanks.

Wishing you well and will keep up with your story.