LoveMeNow

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared

If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease

If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease

But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?

One minute I had you…then next you were gone

You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring

But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

dollydo

"Someone told me the other day, I think Dolly that it wasn't doing him any good with me just sitting around while he gets high. Like I should be doing something."

What I was implying is that you have no bounderies. He can do whatever he pleases in your presense, it is all ok, his behavior does not affect me...wrong...it does.

IMO, when dealing with an addict, bounderies are imperative. One of my bounderies with exabf, no drugs in my home, no drugs done in my presense anywhere, anytime.

Here is a short story...at the very end of my relationship (right before he was arrested in my front yard)...at one am in the morning I heard a real loud bang on my door. I got up, squad cars were alit in the street, the sheriff had a search warrent and dogs, big drug sniffing dogs. I let them in, they combed my house and yard, no drugs. ABf had been arrested the night before being implicted in a drug ring. If drugs had been found in my home, I could have lost it, I could have lost everything, my entire life would have been altered.

You can pontificate all you want to, however, you are playing with fire, and, you will get burned. Not my rules, just how it works.

kmangel

After my son had gone to rehab a few months he met his current girl friend. They now live together. She has never abused drugs or alcohol (she is not a drinker herself and has never used or abused drugs--not even cigarettes), so her boundary was no drugs period. He began to relapse after he first moved in with her, but she made it clear to him he would have to leave if he abused drugs while living with her.

Prior to his moving in with her (he was living at home with his father and me) I made it clear to him that our home was not his Plan B should it not work out with him and the girlfriend. He had moved back home with us after rehab and that was a very enlightening time for my husband and me. Like you seeking info from this forum, I had come here to seek advise about our son moving back home with us. The resounding message was "No!" but we didn't listen and he moved in with us. Seven months of ups and downs, a couple relapses, and my final realization that he had to move out. The girl friend was in his life by then so she invited him to move in with her--but with the no drug abuse condition.

He has apparently towed the line--so far. From what I can see he really is doing well. He's doing so much better with his girl friend than he did with his father and me. Whether or not it will continue is yet to be seen and whether his girl friend will stand her ground should he relapse is yet to be seen, too. She's now much more invested in their relationship than she was when he first moved in. It wont be easy to break it off should he relapse. But then, maybe he will stay the course. Time will tell.

crazybabie

Daisy, I understand that confusion and I was tired last night let me clarify about my husband I am not saying pot is OK this, is how he progressed and keep in mind your bf is not smoking just pot.

My husband needed to get his health card for work he drives for his job and he knew that when you go in for the physical they also drug test so he stopped smoking and started taking hydrocodone and xanax he thought he was unique he thought he would not get addicted to the pills he has told me that he was wrong his addiction to these continued for 3 1/2 years and now if he stays recovered from them he is only on day 7 he will ALWAYS be recovering.

So it really isn't as simple as it seemed last night.

crazybabie

Very good question LMN

anond

Some addicts don't progress beyond a certain point because they are incarcerated (they could end up in a drug sting or in a fight with a strung out drug dealer or one of their clients and police get involved) or they overdose and end up institutionalized (which has happened to my AH) or they die.

This could happen the first time they use a drug and each and every time after they use.

ave

Daisy, I have been reading your posts, and I really feel for you. I am a RA and also in a relationship with a man who is recovering from drug addiction, and it has been an incredibly painful and bumpy ride. I am also lacking in boundaries and am just beginning to dip my toes into the coda world, as I now clearly see the need for it in my life. I can really relate to what you are going through. You are SO not alone.

Anyway, having read your post here, I felt like I needed to express something to you from my experience.

He will not get AND STAY sober until he has hit a bottom. Period.

Recovery is a hard and intense process that requires working every single day. It is hard work, and no addict will become truly willing to do it until they are absolutely desperate to recover. In my experience, I had gone to rehab, lost jobs, been arrested, had trouble with family and relationships, etc., and none of it was enough to make me change, even though I knew I had a problem and needed to get sober. I went to therapists to try and sort out the issues that were driving my use, but alas, I still used. Self knowledge could not cure me. Using was my crutch. I did not know how to weather life's storms without drugs and alcohol, so when I experienced stress, disappointment, arguments, even consequences from my using, I used in order to deal with (or rather, to forget about) my feelings about those things. My problem was bigger than just the drink and the drug. I have a mental and spiritual disease of addiction, that manifests itself FIRST in my thoughts and feelings, and THEN in my actions (drinking and using). I could not deal with life in a healthy and rational manner. I only was able to get sober once I had caused myself sufficient emotional, mental, and spiritual anguish, and I was absolutely desperate and willing to go to any lengths to get sober.

I suspect that your BF may logically know he needs to stop, but that does not mean he can do it alone. 12 Step groups have saved my life, and the lives of hundreds of people who have shared their experience, strength, and hope with me.

The idea of "hitting a bottom" and consequently, surrendering, is a critical component in recovery. I did not like AA, NA, or CA when I first went to them. I had all kinds of issues with them, the format, the principles, etc... So I didn't go. I had all types of excuses why they wouldn't work for me. And I also had all types of excuses why I couldn't get sober.

Eventually, I had no more excuses, and I went to meetings because they would save my life. And they did.

In my opinion, he has a long way to go before he hits bottom. Until then, all the research and talking about it will be what he is willing to do.

Similarly with bottoms, in my emotional recovery and now in my relationship, I have learned that despite all the good advice and ideas I may get, I tend to do what I want until it brings me to an emotional bottom. I have been entirely unable and unwilling to set boundaries with my boyfriend, who has been relapsing for the last month and a half, even though I know it is in my best interests to do so. I do not trust him anymore. I do not believe what he says. My self esteem has suffered tremendously. I do not take his using personally, most of the time, but what I do have trouble detaching from is the lying, and the hope that he will get back to a place of willingness and we can share the same beautiful love we once had.

Yesterday I hit yet another emotional bottom with him. I just can't take it anymore. My involvement with him is draining me. Yet, I am still not fully able to let him go.

The point I am making is, if you stay, and he does not get well, it will be painful. But the elevator is only going to continue going down. It's up to you to decide when you've had enough, and just get off.

LoveMeNow

Normie's have strong boundaries, strong ethics and morals. They are not easily compromised.

It seems you are tying to rationalize, justify and make excuses for your actions and choices. I have been there and done that! Cynical One has a very informative blog. You can put her name is in the search feature and then the blog - to access it.

In my husband's case, it all started out "legal." I didn't really think much of it at the time. I slowly started to see the progression and thought that my telling him to STOP taking them was the answer. Had I known then what I know now....I would have done things very differently.

When he finally admitted to me that he had a problem, I still had no clue how serious the "problem" was. It wasn't really until I joined SR that I really started to fully understand. I was in deep denial and took some very wise, tough, and educated posters to shake me out of it.

I was told my addict husband wasn't special, my love could not fix or save him and that I thought I was "terminally unique" (Cynical One has that information in her blog). I fought the advice kicking and screaming. I still believed he was special, he was different, our love and marriage was different. I was very wrong!

hello-kitty

As long as you think what you have is ethical, normal and you are satisfied with your relationship, I don't have much else to add to this conversation. One thing I know is that everything always works out in it's own time. I hope he hits his bottom before you hit yours!

lightseeker

I think it's hard for me when I see the writing on the wall when someone states that addictive behavior isn't affecting their relationship. When there is nothing wrong with the behavior or the participation in the relationship of the addicted person it is hard to justify walking away and/or having boundaries.

I realize that it's hard to see through the trees to understand the "forest" at this stage of things. It's hard to believe that knowing someone only when they have using a substance or action as a crutch that we really don't KNOW the person deep down. They don't have to be high all of the time at all for that addictive thinking to be going on at all times. It's an approach to life that occurs and that is what ultimately made a difference for me in the relationship that I was involved in.

When it's all fun and games (mainly good that is) it's hard to figure out why it might be bad for you to stay. Unfortunately, in these situations you just have to play it out. Everyone is right....a normie would draw a line in the sand already. I thought that I would and could be wish and keep myself protected....walk away if things went south. I didn't realize that by the time that I even thought something like that I was hooked.

The disease of deception (our own to ourselves) is already underway if we tolerate unacceptable behaviors more than one time. Tough stuff this addiction and codie stuff.

There is such a tendency in me to want to rush in and warn people that are on the brink of some potentially really difficult times. I understand though because I was in their shoes at one point - and there was nothing that changed anything for me. I had to hit my own bottoms. And I am so sorry that that it what it took.

Oh well....I guess that's why we always say that we'll keep your chair warm until you feel that you need us. This is a program of attraction and not promotion....sometimes I forget that - especially when I see myself in someone elses posting. That's when I want to reach out and save someone....maybe myself? So....I step back and let things unfold as they need to unfold. Let go or get dragged. So hard to do, so hard to do....

bluebelle

That's very true. I deceived myself and stayed in denial for a long time. I also would tell myself that I wouldn't tolerate X behavior. However, when I saw that behavior, I would say o.k., I'll tolerate that, but I won't tolerate Y behavior.

anond

How is this for denial. I would say "I will never tolerate AH using cocaine again" - this said as he lay passed out on the couch from prescription painkillers and after he had blown his check on video poker machines.

dasiydoc

Good point. I like him as he is now, if he stops using then I will have to see if I still like him I guess. I do know we all grow and change, and if there is a real connection between people then we are happy to see them go down the path they need for themselves. Sadly if people do end up growing in different directions, and the feelings change, then it is something you just have to accept. Not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime, some serve their purpose and then end.

LoveMeNow

Sounds like you have it all figured out then. I sincerely wish you both the best of luck.

dasiydoc

wish i did

Pamel

I hate the term "normie". I have had one husband who was a "recovering alcoholic" and it took me years to find out that he was going to AA meetings to pick up girls (he "was" quite good looking).

The problem really at the heart of it was I was trying to fix him and not me. Go to Al-Alanon, and talk about all of this. Your BF is not a "sick" person, but a person who has a condition you CANNOT CURE!!!

What you CAN do is change the dynamic. ...and in the process change your own way of being in your world. I HATE this condition of addiction (I refuse to call it a "disease"); it is genetic. Not his fault or yours, but still a problem. Fix you, and it may help him.

JMHO, Hele

dasiydoc

I seem to have really set people off by mentioning that thread. But the thread was helpful to me and it had so much in it that was shocking to me. I was only using the term "normie" because it was mentioned in that thread.

Ive read a lot of weird stuff going on at AA NA CA meetings. Im just not feeling its a great option for my boyfriend. I knew AA had a family support system, but until I came here I didnt know it really followed the same step type process.

LoveMeNow

Other then Pamel, who else has the term normie set off? I have not seen one other reply about it.

There is good and bad in all things. AA, NA, Alanon, Churches, schools, Dr's.

There is a secular side on SR for SMART & AVRT recovery. Maybe he will be more open to those programs when or he if decides to seek treatment.

Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

dollydo

"I like him as he is now,"

Oh boy, that speaks volumes. If everything is A-ok, why post?

"Ive read a lot of weird stuff going on at AA NA CA meetings. Im just not feeling its a great option for my boyfriend."

I am sure that if you feel it's not a great option for your ABF, it must be right.

Adios and Good Luck!

secondwind

NA or any recovery program is not for you to decide on. The program needs to be picked by your BF. He may find that NA is exactly what he needs.

What are the things you have heard about going on in the meetings. I will say there is good and bad in every recovery program

Your one and only concern should be about you. Sure as a gf you can visit and talk about recovery programs with him... but you need to listen... not instruct and decide what is right. The decision is his. The process is his. The recovery is his. Unless you know a recovery program is dangerous you need to leave it alone.

Carrie

The Belle Of The Ball