moving things along...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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moving things along...
ok...so he left friday evening and hasn't been back since except when he showed up here to get an amp yesterday. i had a feeling he would do something like that so i came home from work early and he showed up within five minutes of my arrival. i made him give me the key to my condo.
when he left friday he didn't take any of the medication he NEEDS. didn't take any clothes. didn't even take his toothbrush. he went back to the house where he was staying before and a good amount of his stuff is still there anyway because he never moved it back here. i am getting calls, emails, texts about how he needs to get certain things, he needs his old phone, he needs his medications, he needs clothes, musical crap, etc. he wants me to leave a key under the mat. he is swearing he's not on narcotics but he looked wasted when he showed up here, his speech is a mess, he can't type, and his texts are bordering on gibberish. plus, he's a total liar. he also is saying "i'm not moving out unless you want me to." and, "i can't believe you are doing this to me! i can't believe you are so cold!"
i do NOT want to leave the key and i will NOT leave it. WILL. NOT. i will leave his medications in a bag between my two doors. i say it is not my problem he made these choices and i can't trust him and therefore i do not want him here when i am not.
why do i feel guilty??? i'm NOT leaving the key. i'm NOT. if he needed things, he should have thought about that, right??? it's not MY emergency, right??? i'm also legitimately concerned that he is going to end up killing himself by overdosing or a bad med combo and he just won't wake up or something. i can't control this. there is nothing i can do. right???
when he left friday he didn't take any of the medication he NEEDS. didn't take any clothes. didn't even take his toothbrush. he went back to the house where he was staying before and a good amount of his stuff is still there anyway because he never moved it back here. i am getting calls, emails, texts about how he needs to get certain things, he needs his old phone, he needs his medications, he needs clothes, musical crap, etc. he wants me to leave a key under the mat. he is swearing he's not on narcotics but he looked wasted when he showed up here, his speech is a mess, he can't type, and his texts are bordering on gibberish. plus, he's a total liar. he also is saying "i'm not moving out unless you want me to." and, "i can't believe you are doing this to me! i can't believe you are so cold!"
i do NOT want to leave the key and i will NOT leave it. WILL. NOT. i will leave his medications in a bag between my two doors. i say it is not my problem he made these choices and i can't trust him and therefore i do not want him here when i am not.
why do i feel guilty??? i'm NOT leaving the key. i'm NOT. if he needed things, he should have thought about that, right??? it's not MY emergency, right??? i'm also legitimately concerned that he is going to end up killing himself by overdosing or a bad med combo and he just won't wake up or something. i can't control this. there is nothing i can do. right???
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Good girl- keep the key safe. Put his stuff outside.this is going to be hardcfor a while because you a changing your behavior. But that's what you need to do so you can focus on your own mental health. i hope you feel a sense of pride for your accomplishments. .
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: San Diego CA
Posts: 21
MS -- Addicts are masters at guilt and manipulation. Yes, there "is" something you can do......continue doing what you are doing! Sounds like you already know that letting him back in would be the wrong thing to do. He'll be back 100 times for everything imaginable including a paper clip or something.
I hope he doesn't OD, but there is nothing short of 24 hour surveillance that can stop him from doing that. I assume you're not up for that.
I wish you the best.
I hope he doesn't OD, but there is nothing short of 24 hour surveillance that can stop him from doing that. I assume you're not up for that.
I wish you the best.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I think you are doing GREAT! I felt guilt, too, until I had some space and time away from him.
My XABF did die from his addiction (actually an addiction we shared until I chose recovery). Did I feel sad? Yes. Did I feel guilty? Nope. I knew "our" addiction inside and out, but there was nothing I could do. I chose recovery, he didn't. By that time, I'd also learned a good deal about codependency and realized I couldn't have changed things for him. I've also had several people reach out to me and find recovery. It was THEIR choice, not mine.
Hang in there, sweetie. At some point you may want to go NC (no contact). Allow him the dignity to live his life as he chooses, whether you agree with it or not.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My XABF did die from his addiction (actually an addiction we shared until I chose recovery). Did I feel sad? Yes. Did I feel guilty? Nope. I knew "our" addiction inside and out, but there was nothing I could do. I chose recovery, he didn't. By that time, I'd also learned a good deal about codependency and realized I couldn't have changed things for him. I've also had several people reach out to me and find recovery. It was THEIR choice, not mine.
Hang in there, sweetie. At some point you may want to go NC (no contact). Allow him the dignity to live his life as he chooses, whether you agree with it or not.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Codependents have a lot of unhealthy guilt. Addicts prey on it and our fears and we allow it. Stay strong.
YOU deserve happiness and peace. Make 2013 about falling in love with yourself, the rest will follow!
YOU deserve happiness and peace. Make 2013 about falling in love with yourself, the rest will follow!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Posts: 369
thanks again... i feel like i need so much support. too much. i had therapy today. told the whole nasty story and it was a good session all around. i don't want to talk much to friends about this. i feel stupid, in a way...and what do i have to say that's new? i talked to my brother--the stable one--and he is all in favor of me getting his stuff out of here ASAP.
i can't shake the anxiety right now. he hasn't been trying to get in touch with me for a few hours, which i know doesn't sound like much, but given what has been happening, it is. i just dread hearing something terrible happened to him and i'm sure i'm not the only one who has had their mind go crazy with all the possibilities.
he played the "how can you do this to me, it's christmas," card. i knew he would. i can't help what time of year he screws up. and it's been constant anyway, just a matter of degree. sometimes i would like to be able to just stop life for awhile and let myself catch up when i feel i can.
i hate this. it has to happen.
i can't shake the anxiety right now. he hasn't been trying to get in touch with me for a few hours, which i know doesn't sound like much, but given what has been happening, it is. i just dread hearing something terrible happened to him and i'm sure i'm not the only one who has had their mind go crazy with all the possibilities.
he played the "how can you do this to me, it's christmas," card. i knew he would. i can't help what time of year he screws up. and it's been constant anyway, just a matter of degree. sometimes i would like to be able to just stop life for awhile and let myself catch up when i feel i can.
i hate this. it has to happen.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The real question is, in regards to him...how can he do this to himself? You are taking care of you and that is a great thing. Be proud of that.
As you sit and worry, filled with anxiety....he is high and content without a care in the world. Its his life, let him live it.
Back to you!! What are you going to do to help yourself heal??
As you sit and worry, filled with anxiety....he is high and content without a care in the world. Its his life, let him live it.
Back to you!! What are you going to do to help yourself heal??
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
Protect your house! If your gut is telling you not to trust him, DON'T trust him. When I kicked my EXABF out, I packed his clothes in garbage bags and boxes, and left them outside when he said he was coming. It sounds as if you are setting healthy boundaries. At this point, you can only control yourself.
There are no right or wrong answers. This is YOUR life, what you do is your decision. I know how difficult and confusing this is, but it's in your hands. Any feelings you have are valid even if they don't make sense. Allow yourself to feel; eventually, it will help you heal.
I also had to come to terms with the real possibility that my EXABF's addiction might kill him. It felt horrible, but I knew that I had no control over his addiction. Although I don't have contact with him anymore, I still pray for him, and I have accepted that it's in God's hands now.
I hope things work out for you. Take advantage of the supportive community of SR. This forum has really helped me get through some tough times.
There are no right or wrong answers. This is YOUR life, what you do is your decision. I know how difficult and confusing this is, but it's in your hands. Any feelings you have are valid even if they don't make sense. Allow yourself to feel; eventually, it will help you heal.
I also had to come to terms with the real possibility that my EXABF's addiction might kill him. It felt horrible, but I knew that I had no control over his addiction. Although I don't have contact with him anymore, I still pray for him, and I have accepted that it's in God's hands now.
I hope things work out for you. Take advantage of the supportive community of SR. This forum has really helped me get through some tough times.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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if he needed things, he should have thought about that, right???
He knew he needed them but he also wanted them to stay where they are as a possible in...
why do i feel guilty??? i'm NOT leaving the key. i'm NOT. if he needed things, he should have thought about that, right??? it's not MY emergency, right??? i'm also legitimately concerned that he is going to end up killing himself by overdosing or a bad med combo and he just won't wake up or something. i can't control this. there is nothing i can do. right???
Every one of those is simply RIGHT.
He knew he needed them but he also wanted them to stay where they are as a possible in...
why do i feel guilty??? i'm NOT leaving the key. i'm NOT. if he needed things, he should have thought about that, right??? it's not MY emergency, right??? i'm also legitimately concerned that he is going to end up killing himself by overdosing or a bad med combo and he just won't wake up or something. i can't control this. there is nothing i can do. right???
Every one of those is simply RIGHT.
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yes. i am listening to my gut now because i haven't in the past and it has really messed me up not to. wasn't sure my "gut" was even there...or what it was saying. now at least i've learned how to recognize it.
funny. right after i posted, he started calling and texting. i won't answer. i texted that i would leave his guitar in the basement along with his medication because he is whimpering about how he NEEDS his guitar. should have thought of things like that before he did what he did and made his own choices. then i got messages about how much of a "f**king b***h" i am and that this must be a game to me. i'm not having a single bit of fun. so i doubt it.
can't reason with him. can't appeal to logic. none of that. IT IS HIS LIFE. and these are HIS choices, you're right... not my problem. can't be my problem. i want peace.
funny. right after i posted, he started calling and texting. i won't answer. i texted that i would leave his guitar in the basement along with his medication because he is whimpering about how he NEEDS his guitar. should have thought of things like that before he did what he did and made his own choices. then i got messages about how much of a "f**king b***h" i am and that this must be a game to me. i'm not having a single bit of fun. so i doubt it.
can't reason with him. can't appeal to logic. none of that. IT IS HIS LIFE. and these are HIS choices, you're right... not my problem. can't be my problem. i want peace.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: San Diego CA
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[QUOTE=mstrust;3725186]
he played the "how can you do this to me, it's christmas," card.
There will always be a reason. After Christmas he can play the "New Years" card. Then Valentines Day........Easter, birthday, etc.?
In my opinion you should do what your gut tells you is right and don't concern yourself with his excuses or timing issues.
he played the "how can you do this to me, it's christmas," card.
There will always be a reason. After Christmas he can play the "New Years" card. Then Valentines Day........Easter, birthday, etc.?
In my opinion you should do what your gut tells you is right and don't concern yourself with his excuses or timing issues.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
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Think of the insanity of his statements. He takes off for days to go get high - then says "How can you do this to me?" I am sure the list can go on and on.
Now you're the b!tch!!??!! I would get his stuff out as soon as possible, go no contact for you - so you clear your mind of the all crazy making that has gone on. Its the only way!! I know its hard, but nothing is harder then trying to have a relationship with an active addict. You tried that, now its time to try something better....better for YOU!!
Now you're the b!tch!!??!! I would get his stuff out as soon as possible, go no contact for you - so you clear your mind of the all crazy making that has gone on. Its the only way!! I know its hard, but nothing is harder then trying to have a relationship with an active addict. You tried that, now its time to try something better....better for YOU!!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
when my bf and i broke up recently he wanted to come over and get his stuff while i was at work. he had a key, and that made me uncomfortable. told him no i wouldnt allow that (it was the key to my garage so i could just turn off my garage remote and he wouldnt be able to get in) but i had to work late and felt uncomfortable about coming home at midnight, so told him id be dropping his stuff at his place and he agreed to meet me there on his lunch break. he thought i was just playing with him. i had meticulously packed up EVERYTHING. gave him NO reason to ask to get this or that. he was very hurt about it, but im not into playing games. if hes going to act like a jerk, then im out of there.
the morale of my story is that i did what I needed to do for ME. to keep ME safe. he isnt even a drug addict, but i made sure i didnt put myself into any unnecessary situations. i told my gf where i was going and when. sent her his address and organised to text her when i left. my gut feeling felt like something wasnt right, and i go into over protection mode. dot Is and cross Ts. you have more reason to be overly thorough than i do. protect yourself MsTrust. so glad you are doing well. keep taking one step forward, and dont listen to his bs. dont try and reason with him. you know its pointless. just tell him what you are willing to offer and stand your ground. if he ODs you will not be responsible. you offered him a loving relationship, and he CHOSE addiction. so therefore he CHOSES the outcomes of his choices. as do you. keep looking out for yourself, and let him live the life he chooses.
hugs for xmas.
the morale of my story is that i did what I needed to do for ME. to keep ME safe. he isnt even a drug addict, but i made sure i didnt put myself into any unnecessary situations. i told my gf where i was going and when. sent her his address and organised to text her when i left. my gut feeling felt like something wasnt right, and i go into over protection mode. dot Is and cross Ts. you have more reason to be overly thorough than i do. protect yourself MsTrust. so glad you are doing well. keep taking one step forward, and dont listen to his bs. dont try and reason with him. you know its pointless. just tell him what you are willing to offer and stand your ground. if he ODs you will not be responsible. you offered him a loving relationship, and he CHOSE addiction. so therefore he CHOSES the outcomes of his choices. as do you. keep looking out for yourself, and let him live the life he chooses.
hugs for xmas.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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mstrust, you are on the right course. Don't let him guilt you back into your life. These guys can be RELENTLESS!!
My situation is almost comic. I'm getting telephone calls from my AH's family from across the country, telling me to "leave him alone" and to "stop visiting him". I visited him once, to bring him denture glue. Didn't realize that was a problem. And HELLO family members - maybe you need to talk to AH.... and ask him to "leave ME alone".
Do you know he called me 38 times yesterday!! 38 times!!
I took only 2 of the calls, when I was in the frame of mind to talk to him. What did he want? His clothes are dirty - he needs his laundry done. Oh and he owes three days on his TV. And if I come by to visit, could I bring him two hotdogs?
Sorry, hon. I'm not doing your laundry. I don't have control of your money anymore, so call your brother about your TV. And I've been ordered not to visit you, so forget about the hotdogs.
No contact is sounding more and more the way to go with AH. And no contact with his family members too.
PS: mistrust - changing the locks is a good idea. Maybe he copied your key while he had it.
My situation is almost comic. I'm getting telephone calls from my AH's family from across the country, telling me to "leave him alone" and to "stop visiting him". I visited him once, to bring him denture glue. Didn't realize that was a problem. And HELLO family members - maybe you need to talk to AH.... and ask him to "leave ME alone".
Do you know he called me 38 times yesterday!! 38 times!!
I took only 2 of the calls, when I was in the frame of mind to talk to him. What did he want? His clothes are dirty - he needs his laundry done. Oh and he owes three days on his TV. And if I come by to visit, could I bring him two hotdogs?
Sorry, hon. I'm not doing your laundry. I don't have control of your money anymore, so call your brother about your TV. And I've been ordered not to visit you, so forget about the hotdogs.
No contact is sounding more and more the way to go with AH. And no contact with his family members too.
PS: mistrust - changing the locks is a good idea. Maybe he copied your key while he had it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 75
I do feel for you. This whole thing really sucks and I'm going through it right along with you. And, no matter what guilt trips he may try to play, this is not your fault. Once the "I can't believe you did this to me at Christmas" fails, don't be surprised when he calls telling you he is tired of this lifestyle and is getting clean and sober once and for all (after all, wouldn't it then be time for "New Years Resolutions?). He may say he NEEDS you in his life because you are his best friend - the only thing that matters in this world - and he simply CAN'T get clean without knowing you are there for him and will be there to support him through it. He'll want you to make promises that you will stay with him and want you to tell him how much you love him and need him in your life. Please, REMEMBER, you HAVE been there for him and he still HASN'T changed.
This is YOUR time. YOUR turn for happiness without the drama. Your time to realize how amazing and beautiful and smart and fun and charismatic YOU are. YOU deserve more than this. YOU deserve better than this. Don't fall prey to his manipulation and mind games because YOU MATTER!
Like I said, I am right there with you. I am currently boxing up the remainder of my AH's belongings. I have taken his pictures off of the walls because I don't need or want to see him anymore. Last night when his mom called to ask if I was willing to talk to him - because he's hurting and he loves me and misses me and I'm his very best friend in the whole world, I said NO. And the fact is, I didn't say no because I am angry or hurt. I didn't say no because I want to hurt him or punish him. I said no because I am tired. Because I am sad for him. Because I know I deserve more and I know I have been happier since he has been gone than I was in all of the last 4 years.
Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Give him ALL of his stuff, change your locks, block his number from calling you. Go out with friends. Learn to live again and be good to yourself.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
This is YOUR time. YOUR turn for happiness without the drama. Your time to realize how amazing and beautiful and smart and fun and charismatic YOU are. YOU deserve more than this. YOU deserve better than this. Don't fall prey to his manipulation and mind games because YOU MATTER!
Like I said, I am right there with you. I am currently boxing up the remainder of my AH's belongings. I have taken his pictures off of the walls because I don't need or want to see him anymore. Last night when his mom called to ask if I was willing to talk to him - because he's hurting and he loves me and misses me and I'm his very best friend in the whole world, I said NO. And the fact is, I didn't say no because I am angry or hurt. I didn't say no because I want to hurt him or punish him. I said no because I am tired. Because I am sad for him. Because I know I deserve more and I know I have been happier since he has been gone than I was in all of the last 4 years.
Take care of yourself. You deserve it. Give him ALL of his stuff, change your locks, block his number from calling you. Go out with friends. Learn to live again and be good to yourself.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Get all of his belongings back to him – this is part of the game that an addict plays to maintain a relationship with an enabler. Why are you responsible for his things? In the language of consuming, his things are his life, so you are by extension responsible for his life. Cut that out now.
If it's a risk to your own recovery to have him there while you are, it *might* be a good choice for you to take his things to him. On the surface it could feel like more codependent behavior, but if you're doing it for yourself, to rid your home of his presence and deny any reason for him to come around, it might be a good choice.
Keep doing what you're doing. Make the tough decisions and stick with them. You will soon learn how empowering the word "No" can be.
If it's a risk to your own recovery to have him there while you are, it *might* be a good choice for you to take his things to him. On the surface it could feel like more codependent behavior, but if you're doing it for yourself, to rid your home of his presence and deny any reason for him to come around, it might be a good choice.
Keep doing what you're doing. Make the tough decisions and stick with them. You will soon learn how empowering the word "No" can be.
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so i got a couple more wasted messages last night about how he NEEDS this and NEEDS that and i don't get it and he NEEDS to be able to get in. i told him again, i will put your guitar and medication in the basement. i woke up today and before i left for work, not only did i do that, but i put every single thing of his in the basement. (the door is outside the house and is not locked.) ALL of his stuff...and then i sent him a message telling him it was ALL down there.
well, i got home from work, found he had been here--in the basement--and he had taken NOTHING. not his guitar, not his medication, NOTHING he needed SOOOO bad. he rifled through something, left it disheveled but left it ALL here. he sent me a text before i discovered this saying, "i forgot my medication on the door if that's where you left it." i just said again, "i left it ALL in the basement, as i told you."
i do not get it. whatever. it's not IN the house--and it feels good that all my space is mine again, at least.
i am going through a roller coaster of emotion again...the usual, i don't believe he ever really loved me, how could he treat me this way, why did this happen, blah blah blah. trying to keep my senses. there is nothing i can do. it's not personal. he is making his own choices and i need to let him. period.
well, i got home from work, found he had been here--in the basement--and he had taken NOTHING. not his guitar, not his medication, NOTHING he needed SOOOO bad. he rifled through something, left it disheveled but left it ALL here. he sent me a text before i discovered this saying, "i forgot my medication on the door if that's where you left it." i just said again, "i left it ALL in the basement, as i told you."
i do not get it. whatever. it's not IN the house--and it feels good that all my space is mine again, at least.
i am going through a roller coaster of emotion again...the usual, i don't believe he ever really loved me, how could he treat me this way, why did this happen, blah blah blah. trying to keep my senses. there is nothing i can do. it's not personal. he is making his own choices and i need to let him. period.
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not this time, he's not. i can't take it anymore. i really reached the end of what i can tolerate. i do not believe one word that comes out of his mouth, pretty much...and that alone, without the drugs, causes me so much anxiety it's ridiculous. i also don't really want his stuff down there for long...for one, it prolongs this. for another, if anything happened to it in any way, shape, or form, he would find a way to make it my fault. not getting in that argument.
what sucks a lot is that in addition to my other emotions, i have this constant underlying fear that i will hear bad news about him in the not-too-distant future, as i mentioned before. i am doing nothing effective by having it humming in my background. but i can't seem to help it.
what sucks a lot is that in addition to my other emotions, i have this constant underlying fear that i will hear bad news about him in the not-too-distant future, as i mentioned before. i am doing nothing effective by having it humming in my background. but i can't seem to help it.
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